A SCRIPT FOR TIM - THE DEADIEGRAMS EPISODE OF THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - THE AFTER-LIFE...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF TASTES LIKE BURNING...

Dear Tim,

SOME OF THIS EPISODE IS ALREADY RECORDED - YOU MAY STICK TO THE SCRIPT OR AD-LIB, I WILL NOT RECORD MY SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION UNTIL I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR WORDS AND THEN I'LL REACT WITH THOSE... CONSIDER THIS A GUIDE SCRIPT ONLY... ONLY CERTAIN SECTIONS OF THESE EPISODES HAVE BEEN SCRIPTED - BUT YOUR SECTION OF THE STORY BEGINS AS FOLLOWS... 

I THANK YOU...

Mr Yeti :)

THIS FIRST PIECE IS BASICALLY THE CLIFFHANGER FOR THE FIRST EPISODE...

Paul (Shy Yeti) is lost somewhere on "the other side" having gotten on the wrong bus from work... He is disorientated and hears a strange ghostly noise and is walking closer to it...

YETI:

Hello? Hello? Who's that? Hello... I'm looking for help... I'm lost...

VOICE: (DEADIEGRAMS)

They all say that, sweet cheeks... I know your sort... You're just after my valuables...

YETI:

Err... I'm really not.. I just want to find the way out... 

VOICE:

Yeah, yeah... They all say that one too... What happened? Did you sell your soul and now you're regretting it?

YETI:

No! No... That's not what happened at all! I literally rushed to catch a bus and... well... it really wasn't the bus that I thought it was going to be...

VOICE:

Bad move... Jumping on buses without checking on their destination first...

YETI:

I know what you mean... Although I somehow doubt that the bus would have had TO THE OTHER SIDE on the front of the bus...

VOICE:

You make a good point, sonny... It probably just said HELL...

YETI:

This isn't HELL, is it? Come on... Hell doesn't even exist...

VOICE:

You've clearly never been to Miami in a heatwave...

YETI:

Well no, I'm from London... I've been to Vegas and that was pretty hot... Now, listen... I recognise your voice... I'm pretty sure I do...

VOICE:

It's possible, I suppose... After all, I do occasionally share my wisdom with the peoples of the internet...

YETI:

Do you podcast?

VOICE:

I believe that is what it is called... I also tweet...

YETI:

Blimey... That's not bad for a disembodied voice... No offence meant or anything...

VOICE:

None taken, furry chops...

YETI:

Just a minute! I just clicked...

VOICE:

That'll be your hip - or your back... It's the curse of middle age...

YETI:

Nothing like that! No, I've just remembered which podcast you're on! TASTES LIKE BURNING! With Tim and James and James and Tim...

VOICE:

No need to repeat yourself - I heard you the first time...

YETI:

Oh, I'm sorry... I have some friends - well, they're not around at the moment - they're aliens... Funny little fellas - they were great fans of that show... And of James and Tim... That's how they spoke... (does a quick impression, but it's not very good...)

VOICE:

Well now, I must admit that this is beginning to sound familiar...

YETI:

You're Deadiegrams, aren't you? THE deadiegrams!!!!

DEADIEGRAMS:

Errr... I might be... What's it worth to you?

YETI:

Oh... I'm not sure it's worth a great deal - it only means that we have kind of met... Perhaps you can point me in the right direction for getting home... Do you know where the bus stop home might be?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Buses? No... Never use them, sonny... People wee on the seats - you can catch things off them... Sure, I know I'm dead - but it's best to be careful... There are worse things than death you know... STDs for a start... Did you know dead people can still catch STDs? Only there are no ghostly doctors - so you just have to put up with it...

YETI:

NO GHOSTLY DOCTORS? But what about the ghosts of doctors who used to be alive...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Never happens... 

YETI:

What do you mean it never happens - it must do... Doctors aren't eternal! Listen... Did you just make that all up - what you just said then...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Might have done... I like to spice things up now and again and you did interrupt my afternoon nap what with all that shouting you were doing out in the ghostly mists and all...

YETI:

Now you're telling me that ghosts take naps? Is that a lie too?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Spot on... You're a quick one, sonny - and no mistake.... What was that you were saying about us meeting before... Did I haunt you once or something? Don't you come here asking for your money back!

YETI:

No... No... No... It's just I think I may have tweeted you and your answered my question on the TASTES LIKE BURNING show...

NOTE: AT THIS POINT WE HEAR A FLASHBACK OF EXACTLY THIS - TAKEN FROM THE EPISODE THAT WAS ACTUALLY RECORDED - I HAVE SAVED THE EXACT CLIP ALREADY...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Oh yes... Yes... That tolls a bell now you mention it, sonny...

YETI:

You were very helpful... It was nice of you to reply... Thank you...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Why, of course sonny - it was my pleasure - and my job... Gets my picture in the Spectral News now and again...

YETI:

There really is only one more thing that you could do for me, dear lady - if you would be so kind - and that is simply to point me in the direction of the bus stop... I only want to get home...

DEADIEGRAMS: (evil chuckling)

That's all you wish to know, is it? Is it, really? Well, I'm afraid it's just not going to be that easy... You see - now you're here there is simply no undoing it...

YETI:

I don't understand... Surely those buses must go back and forth...

DEADIEGRAMS:

It's none of your business whether they do or whether they don't - I am afraid it is against the rules... You are here now and here you will stay... There is no going back... No return to sender... NO! NO! NO! You can never go home - you are here forever, young man! Do you hear me? FOREVER! FOREVER! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

HER VOICE ECHOES AND WE HEAR SHY YETI PROTESTING IN DISBELIEF... THIS IS THE END OF THE FIRST OF THE TWO EPISODES - THERE MAY BE SOME KIND OF ANNOUNCER SUMMING IT ALL UP - BUT I'LL SEE ABOUT THAT LATER...

THIS IS FOR THE SECOND EPISODE - THERE WILL BE A RECAP AND THEN THE ADVENTURE WILL CONTINUE...

SHY YETI:

ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I hear you... No need to be QUITE so dramatic! If I was a less charitable and suspicious minded person then I'd almost guess that you enjoyed imparting people such bad news...

DEADIEGRAMS:

It is kind of fun... You should try it sometime...

SHY YETI:

Maybe I will... Hmm... Let me see... I think it's my turn... Hey! Deadiegrams - I just received a phonecall - it was from the launderette...They're terribly sorry - but they accidentally washed your colours with those brand new white sheets that you'd only just brought... I believe they've all gone a rather sickly shade of pink!

DEADIEGRAMS:

As bad news goes it hardly rates especially highly...

SHY YETI:

But they were new sheets - dead expensive...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Well, I'm dead too - so they're in good company... And I LIKE pink!

SHY YETI:

Oh, you spoil-sport, you...  Well, if I'm going to be stuck here then I ought to be allowed to ask a question...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Go ahead... Ask away!

SHY YETI:

Well, I was just wondering - do you have a proper christian name? Like Joyce or Suzanna or Muriel? I mean, were you once somebody's actual grandma?

DEADIEGRAMS:

That would be telling... It's not something I choose to share with anyone... I like to preserve my anonymity...

SHY YETI:

Well, I know you do... For your public... But now I'm here I feel sure that we're going to end up as very good - very close friends - buddies even... Bridge partners... Dinner party chums... I predict that pretty soon we'll end up having weekends away... I mean, as I've nowhere else to live we might as well start co-habiting immediately... I'm a very loyal friend Dee... Don't think you'll get rid of me... Ha!

DEADIEGRAMS: (to herself)

Well now, I don't like the sound of that - not one bit... He just won't stop talking! What a one-man walking mouth on legs! No wonder he's a podcaster - I guess talking is what they're best at... This one must be at it 24-7! Maybe I ought to give him directions out of here, after all... At very least I'll send him somewhere a long, long way from me... I shall send him towards the spooky tree - maybe the zombies will get him - that should keep him quiet for awhile...

SHY YETI:

I'm sorry... Were you speaking to me?

DEADIEGRAMS:

No... No... Just mulling over some ideas...

SHY YETI: (to the listeners)

Hello listeners... I'm hoping if I talk enough I'll drive her so crazy that she'll help send me home... Do you think that I'm in with a chance?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Excuse me... Yeti... Were you saying something before about needing to get home...

SHY YETI:

Oh... Well... It's not necessary - not now we've met up - I was hoping that you might be up for reading my fortune... I have bunions... You can read fortunes by examining bunions, can't you? Or is it hemorrhoids - I'm not sure if I have those or not, but you're welcome to check...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Errr... Thank you... No... I'm terribly sorry... But I am just on my way out of here - an old poltergeist friend of mine is having a birthday and as much as I'd like to take you along it's a strictly invite only do...

SHY YETI:

That's okay - I could wait here for you...

DEADIEGRAMS:

I really don't think you'd like it - it can be very cold around here and these birthday parties can last decades; literally decades... I'm sure your listeners will be missing you back in London...

SHY YETI:

Oh, I doubt it... At any rate - I'm still recording...

DEADIEGRAMS:

That's all very well, but where will you edit your material? No... No... You need to take all your recordings home with you - back to lovely London Town... You know what I'd recommend... If you follow that pathway over there - through the scary forest - past the creepy tree and alongside the spooky church; you'll find the bus station waiting there ahead of you...

SHY YETI:

The scary forest, you say? Can't you show me the way? I'm not sure that I fancy going that way by myself...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Just whistle... You'll be fine... (mutters) Right! I'm out of here - before he starts talking any more... Byyyyyyeeeee, darling! Lovely meeting you in person!

SHY YETI: (distracted)

WHISTLE!?! WHISTLE!?! Now that doesn't seem like it's going to be of much good... Hello!? Oh... Hello... Where she's gone to? Oh, blimey... Through the scary forest did she say? Well, I suppose I have no options... What should I whistle... Umm... *whistles the theme tune to Space 1999 season 2 - it's okay, it's a very vague in-joke, if it even counts as a joke!*

This script extract was written between Thursday 9th and Thursday 16th February 2017...

A SCRIPT FOR HAUNTY - THE DEADIEGRAMS EPISODE OF THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - THE AFTER-LIFE...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR JAY THE HAUNTCUB FROM LIFE ON THE POO LIST...

Dear Jay,

I am not going to be too specific as to who this character is - for some reason I've ended up visualizing him like he's some kind of talking statue - but I haven't gone into that in too much detail. He kind of starts off a bit grumpy and unfriendly, but ends up being nicer - as a comparison to the more sinister deadiegrams played by TLB Tim. If you'd rather he be some kind of pirate or highwayman or bandit or something - then play him that way and I'll alter my lines accordingly. It's up to you. Depending on how you play it then I'll also decide whether to add modulation to the voice - either higher or lower; happy to receive your thoughts on this too - I can always just leave it un-tampered with! You are welcome to ad-lib extra lines or not stick directly to the script as I'll record my bits as a reaction to whatever you record. 

I thank you... Gratefully signed, Mr Yeti.

THIS SCENE WILL PROBABLY APPEAR IN THE SECOND OF THE TWO EPISODES...

Paul (Shy Yeti) is lost somewhere on "the other side" having gotten on the wrong bus from work... As he stumbles on he sees a shape before him and much against his better judgement heads towards it!

YETI:

Oooh! Listeners... I can see someone up ahead... I wonder if he can help... He looks kind of strange... Like one of those living statues you see on the streets near tourist traps.. Still, he can't be any more scary than deadiegrams... I need to ask SOMEBODY for help... Well, here goes nothing! Wish me luck, aye... (Yeti hurries on towards the figure) Hello? HELLO!? Can you help me? Please... I'm lost... Don't try and hide - I can see you there... Listeners... I can see him... I know he's not ACTUALLY a statue - I just saw him blink...

LIVING STATUE MAN:

I DID not just blink...

YETI:

You jolly well did and now you just spoke....

STATUE:

Alright! Alright! Enough already... What is it with all these questions... 

YETI:

I just need some help... I'm not meant to be here...

STATUE:

Don't tell me... You caught the wrong bus and here you are...

YETI:

Yes! Yes... Exactly that... How did you know? Did it happen to you?

STATUE:

Happen to me? HAPPEN TO ME? Are you kidding? Jeez... I'd never be that stupid...

YETI:

Well, that's not a very nice thing to say to someone...

STATUE:

Yeah, I know... Still, I quite enjoyed saying it... So - who ARE you, anyway?

YETI:

Why, I'm Shy Yeti... I'm quite a well-known poet and podcaster back where I come from...

STATUE:

Rubbish you are...

YETI:

I SO am... Oh, okay then... I may be slightly exaggerating... Still, come on... Even the dead must have heard of Pride48...

STATUE:

Nah... Never...

YETI:

Don't be a dumbo! You MUST have heard of them... What about Big Fatty? He's like the most famous of all of the podcasters! Big Fatty and Poodle McNoodle? Squeaky kitty? No? What about the gang from Cocktails and Creampuffs - Donna, Wendy and Joey... Or Pod Is My Co-pilot... Taffy, Rodan and Taylor The Latteboy...

STATUE:

Now you're just making the names up...

YETI:

I'm not! These are real people... What about Catching Up... Vera Speaks For Real...

STATUE:

I did know a Vera once - but she was trapped inside a bottle - you know... a genie... In fact she rarely got a chance to speak at all...

YETI:

Well listen... You must have heard of Adam Burns and Daniel Brewer... Greetings From Nowhere? Actually they recently wrapped up their shows... What about Chubs Gone Wild or Foul Monkeys? Come on - you must know of Toppie Smellie from The Smellcast... No? Not even Life On The Poo List, The Faraway Nearby or Tastes Like Burning?

STATUE:

TASTES LIKE BURNING, you say? Now I have heard of that one... With James and Tim and Tim and James?

YETI:

Yes! yes! They're the hosts of that show...

STATUE:

Well yeah - I have heard them... I met some aliens at our new year party and they really turned me on to that show... It's kind of groovy... 

YETI:

I KNOW THOSE ALIENS! They lived at my house for a while...

STATUE:

OMG! You're not that Shy Spaghetti person, are you?

YETI:

SHY YETI!

STATUE:

Oh... Okay... I can never make out their accents too well...

YETI:

I know... You should live with them... Still, I guess it's unlikely you being here in the underworld - or wherever this is... Just a minute - how come you were at a new year party with the aliens, if you're here?

STATUE:

Oh well... You know... I have my contacts...

YETI:

Really! Impressive... You know, I take this to mean that you can help get me home...

STATUE:

Nah... Nope... Can't do that... I mean I'm meant to be horrid to people like you... I'm not meant to help; I really shouldn't even be chatting to you like this for that matter...

YETI:

Who says you can't?

STATUE:

My boss...

YETI:

Oh! Forget him... Who is he anyway?

STATUE:

Well, technically it's me - I'm self-employed - but I like to give my elders and betters some respect... It's the way I would want to be treated if... if I was... if I was.. .me... him... 

YETI:

But you ARE him... you... Oh gawd, now I'm confused... Look! Listen here.... I really don't want to bother you - I just want to know how to get home... I have a podcast episode to finish and listeners waiting...

STATUE:

Hmm... You podcasters... I've heard about people like you... Are you recording this very conversation?

YETI:

Well, of course...

STATUE:

Does that mean I'll be on your podcast?

YETI:

Yeah... If that's okay - and it comes out alright... Should I interview you?

STATUE:

Oh no... I'm feeling shy now... My hair's a mess...

YETI:

It's okay... You don't have to speak if you don't want to, although this is an audio podcast - the state of your hair is hardly of relevance...

STATUE:

I'm not convinced - oh, maybe another time...

YETI:

Do you Skype?

STATUE:

Errr... We can try... I don't own a computer and I live in a completely different plain of existence - but we could definitely try...

YETI:

Hmm... Okay! So, let's get back to the matter in hand... What about giving me those directions back to the bus stop - do you know the way?

STATUE:

Oh yes... Well, they are my fleet of buses after all!

YETI:

They're what? Really?

STATUE:

REALLY!! I'm sorry... I feel bad now... It seemed like such a fun idea - to lure people from the living world here on the bus - to tease them and taunt them and give all the bored ghosts and ghouls something to do... But to be honest I never actually put a face to any of these feckless idiots... I mean, what kind of fool would just hop on a bus headed for the after-life...

YETI:

Hey! That's me you're describing there - and I didn't do it on purpose...

STATUE:

Oh! I know... Ha! Apologies! Weren't wearing your glasses, I suppose...

YETI:

Possibly! I guess you're spot on - I can't deny it, really! It's my own fault...

STATUE:

Oh, don't be too hard on yourself... I'll tell you the way back if you're nice to me...

YETI:

Oh, I will be... I promise to be grateful...

STATUE:

Well, I just can't bear to keep a podcaster from his microphone... So... You see that old dead tree over there shrouded in mist...

YETI:

I see it, yes...

STATUE:

Well, don't go anywhere near that... There's a grumpy poltergeist called Burt who lives inside it...

YETI:

Blimey, no... I'll avoid that one for sure, thank you very much...

STATUE:

No... Take the path in completely the opposite direction - passing the spooky church...

YETI:

The spooky church, aye... Why am I not surprised?

STATUE:

This place is nothing if not predictable - it's a creepy stereotype - I'll be the first to admit it... Anyway... Head on by the church - make sure you keep out of the graveyard... There's poison ivy... Poison ivy and zombies - but the poison ivy is the greater danger of the two...

YETI:

Really? Why's that?

STATUE:

The zombies are pretty harmless - the worse they do is gossip loads... You'll be fine - they may ask you in for tea, but the cakes are always stale, I wouldn't bother; just tell them you've got a bus to catch... Keep walking along the path and you'll reach the terminal within five minutes... Simple!!

YETI:

Oh! Awesome... No, further herculean feats of daring do to achieve?

STATUE:

Nope... That's it! Unless you want to take the long route around through the burning pits of hell...

YETI:

Ah! Maybe not... The short route will do me just fine... Well, I suppose I better get on before it gets dark... well... darker... mistier... spookier... scarier...

STATUE:

You'll be fine... When you get on the bus just tell them that Ferdy sent you... That's me... You'll get a ticket for the front seat with as much hot coffee as you can drink...

YETI:

That's awfully sweet of you... Well, see you around... Or not... If you're ever in London... Well, anyway...

STATUE:

Happy podcasting, good sir yeti...

YETI:

Bye now... (speaking more to self as he walks away) Well, he was nice, wasn't he listeners? I thought he was going to be a bit scary at first - but he thawed pretty quickly... Now... Which way did he say again; towards the tree or towards the church? Umm... The tree wasn't it? No... The church... I can hardly see one or the other... It's so misty... I do hope I don't get lost...

STATUE: (calling out after him)

Stick to the path... You'll lose your way... Do you hear me, yeti? Hello? Oh, fiddlesticks... That furball is going to get himself into trouble, at this rate...

ALSO... 

ADDITIONALLY TO THIS - COULD YOU DO A FEW RANDOM GHOSTLY MOANS AND WOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOO'S, PLEASE... THANKYOU...

This script extract was written between Thursday 9th and Saturday 11th February 2017 and is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017...