A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR THATPETERG FOR EPISODE 100...
This script is between Shy Yeti (Paul) and an antiques dealer who Paul calls looking to buy a present for Aunt Tappie which Bettina Du Pres can give to Aunt T when they eventually meet... Paul has been tasked with arranging all these and the following scenes (1 longer and 2 shorter) detail his activities.
SCENE 1 (OF 3, LONGER)
BROCANTE:
Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)
SHY:
Hello? I'm calling from London, England - I've heard very good things about your business...
BROCANTE: (with extra politeness)
That is most heartening, sir! How exactly can I be of help?
SHY: (nervously, cautiously)
Well, I was hoping to speak with Mister Brocante? Is that you, perhaps?
BROCANTE: (jovially)
Indeed, sir - at least it certainly was when I woke up this morning - I presume that nothing has changed since then? Might I be of some assistance, sir?
SHY: (self-importantly)
Err... Yes... Yes... I do hope so... I'm looking for a gift... It's from one friend of mine for another friend of mine - I'm sort of the middle man, as it were... I'm just trying to get some ideas and a friend of mine, a Mister Smellie recommended you...
BROCANTE:
Of course! I know Mister Smellie... He's always in here... He and his Auntie love to come antique shopping here.. I think those two quite literally must eat antiques - anything antique and shaped like a hen and they're simply all over it!
SHY:
Really... How lovely... Well, you see a friend of mine, Bettina - she's an agony aunt...
BROCANTE: (almost sarcastic, hard-to-tell, maybe just very dry)
Oh! Fabulous! Agony Aunt's are just the very best kind of Auntie's there is, aren't they?
SHY: (slightly muddled)
Errr... Absolutely! Well... You see, so Bettina is a friend of Auntie Tappie's - but they've not seen one another in years - they are due to meet soon, but Bettina wants to send Tappie a gift in advance... I'm sorry... You don't need to know any of this...
BROCANTE:
Not at all! It's fascinating... I'm sorry... May I ask? Are you an Australian gentleman? I note an international number...
SHY: (enthused)
Not Australian, no... I'm a bit of a fan of Australia though - but I'm actually English... I may have said before - I'm calling you now from London...
BROCANTE:
Oh, terrific! I've been to London - but not for years... I have family in Paris...
SHY:
Different country, of course - but geographically not so terribly far away... Anyway... As I was saying... If we can work out a good present for Tappie - then Mr Smellie has said that he will come and pick it up...
BROCANTE:
Marvellous! Well, as I actually know the customer then it'll probably help us make a selection...
SHY:
That would be good. So, do you have anything particular in mind? Sorry... I don't mean to rush you...
BROCANTE:
No trouble... Now, let me think... Well, now it does occur to me that have recently come into possession of a rather natty antique badger hat dating back to the early 1800s... Is that something that you might be interested in?
SHY: (unsure)
Errr... Maybe... I must say that do find badgers quite amusing!
BROCANTE: (mystified, in awe)
Amusing! AMUSING! Badgers are not to be laughed at, sir... Badgers are the mystic gurus of the animal world - they are to be worshipped - and adored...
SHY: (respectfully)
Fine! Yes... Whatever you say... I'm convinced... I didn't actually realise that badgers wore hats... Especially not back in the early 1800s...
BROCANTE: (quite sarcastic for a moment)
Well, what did you think they wore? Sea-shells?
SHY: (slightly fazed)
Errr... Umbrellas, maybe...
BROCANTE: (almost mocking)
Don't be ridiculous...
SHY: (defensive)
Sorry... To be honest I'm not sure if Aunt Tappie is particularly interested in badgers - partly because she isn't one nor is acquainted with one... At least I don't think she is... If you've got anything Poodle-themed then my podcasting colleague and show-biz friend Big Fatty might be interested; although that's quite a different matter...
BROCANTE: (slightly put out)
Well... No... I'm sorry... I have nothing of that nature - but I do promise to keep an eye out for you...
SHY:
Okay then... Well, moving on... What else do you have that I might be interested in... And before you say it - I already have an extra-terrestrial commode shaped like a question mark...
BROCANTE: (clearly not keen to speak on the subject)
Honestly! Hey, let's not go there... A couple of weeks ago my shop was full of the things...
SHY: (beginning to garble)
Well, I believe there was an alien gathering in the Finger-lake region... I can't even begin to tell you how I know that - but somewhere on another planet there's a statue of me on a hill-side that recites choice cuts from one of my favourite books of my own poetry...
BROCANTE: (not sounding like he really means it)
How enchanting...
SHY: (reflectively)
Yes... Yes... I suppose you could say so, in a way... I've never known quite whether to be flattered or offended - I'm told that it's sometimes used as an image to scare the alien children...
BROCANTE; (briskly)
Well, that seems fair enough to me, sir... You can't choose your audience...
SHY: (attempting to move the conversation on)
Well, anyway - so just to confirm - the whole extra-terrestrial commode idea is out before we even consider it...
BROCANTE: (thinking... dragging it out a bit)
Very good... Very good... Well now, let me think... What about Regency turnip-coloured bed-socks for otters?
SHY: (drily, slightly teasing)
All the rage, are they?
BROCANTE:
Back in the day, yes sir...
SHY: (slightly distracted / almost talking to self)
Regency... That's the 1800s again, isn't it? Hmm... Still, I'm not convinced... All these things are very practical - what about something nice that exists purely to be decorative - attractive... A centre-piece... Something feminine... This is for dear Aunt Tappie remember...
BROCANTE:
Does she do Haddock?
SHY: (caustically)
"Do them"? How does one do a haddock? Quickly before it swims away, I guess... DO THEM! Whatever do you mean?
BROCANTE: (returning to his earlier politeness mode)
Well, you see, I do have a range of rather nice pencil drawings...
SHY: (deliberately/disbelievingly)
Of Haddock?
BROCANTE: (matter-of-factly)
No... Of sheep - drawn by haddock...
SHY: (mutters to self)
Right! Of course, you do... You know what - I think I might just send her a nice big bouquet of flowers and big box of chocolates... It would definitely be easier...
BROCANTE: (helpfully)
I have both here if you're interested...
SHY:
What? Antique flowers? Antique chocolates?
BROCANTE:
Of course! Dating back to the late 1920s...
SHY: (quick to end the call)
Err... Sure... Right... Well, let me get back to you... Goodbye now... Thank you for calling...
SHY YETI HURRIEDLY BREAKS THE CALL...
BROCANTE: (slightly put out, talking to self)
What a rather odd gentleman... It's a stronger man than most that turns down pencil-drawings of sheep drawn by an Haddock in an Elizabethan wig... Oh well! His loss...
THE NEXT SCENE IS BRIEFER AND WILL BE INCORPORATED INTO EPISODE 100 SEPARATELY - ABOUT 10-15 MINUTES IN...
SCENE 2 (OF 3, SHORT)
MR YETI CALLS BACK TO THE ANTIQUE STORE SOME WHILE LATER...
BROCANTE:
Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (Once again he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)
SHY:
Hello? Mister Brocante? It's Shy Yeti again... I called you earlier...
BROCANTE:
Which century?
SHY:
Which century, what?
BROCANTE: (matter-of-factly)
Which century did you call me from? 18th? 19th? 20th? 21st Century? I've worked here a long time - I can't remember every caller - but we do keep a detailed log book of all the calls that we've received - including a good number of the messages delivered to us by pigeon-mail...
SHY: (sound a little out of sorts)
I called right at the start of this episode - about ten minutes ago... I was looking for a present for Toppie Smellie's Aunt Tappie - but we weren't having much luck! Well, now it looks like I've run out of time - I need to get packed - I have a flight to catch and I need this present selected before I leave... In fact there's no time for Toppie to come and examine it - it'll have to be express delivered!
BROCANTE: (vague)
Oh... Really? I'm terribly sorry - this is all a bit of a blur... Remind me again... What were their names? Tony Smiley, you say - and his pet poodle, Tipsy?
SHY:
No! No! It's Toppie, not Tony - Toppie Smellie... Just a minute? You're kidding me, right?
BROCANTE: (politely)
I am sir... I do remember you... I couldn't resist teasing you though, sir... To be honest I was expecting you to call back - especially after all the many various exciting potential gifts that we discussed when you called before... Who could resist?
SHY: (relieved)
Well, thank goodness... You put my blood pressure right up for a minute there...
BROCANTE: (hopeful)
Was it the bed-socks for otters sir? Was that what caused you to call back? I believe we also have them in a sort of mustard colour...
SHY:
To be honest I'm still no closer to deciding what I want to buy - so I'm just going to get the lot...
BROCANTE: (surprised)
Get the lot? What? ALL of it? Why, I don't understand, sir...
SHY:
The otter socks... The antique chocolates... The Haddock-drawn sheep portraits... The badger hat... Even the alien pooping receptacle... It's not as if I'm paying... Send the bill to Bettina Du Pres at the following address and to heck with the cost...
BROCANTE:
Err... Sir... Are you sure? *makes tapping noises* All those items come to slightly more than one million dollars...
SHY:
No problem at all? She can afford it... I recently learnt that she has shares in The Garden Gnome-ing Industry...
BROCANTE: (excitedly)
Well, if you absolutely sure, sir...
SHY: (decidedly)
Oh, yes... I am... Please, gift-wrap them and send them to Aunt Tappie and sign it With Love From Bettina Du Pres...
BROCANTE:
No problem, sir... I will get my assistant Igor, Junior onto it immediately... It will be our pleasure...
SHY: (warming to the idea, pleased)
Thank you! THANK YOU! She's going to love this! LOVE IT, I TELL YOU... *gibbers a bit, giggling to himself* I HAVE TO GO NOW! I HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH! I HAVE TO GO!!
BROCANTE:
Sir? Sir?! Are you okay? Hello? HELLO!? Good grief... Those Brits... Talk about eccentrics! They're all plain weird! (shouts) Igor! Bring the wrapping paper - no, the expensive range - the mice nibbled the cheap stuff... Presumably it's cheap but tastier... Oh, and tell the haddock that we need more sheep drawings - and make sure the paint is dry before we dispatch them this time... Oh, and tell the grand-mother otters that we need them to knit some more bed-socks too... HURRY IGOR! HURRY! HURRY!
WE HEAR IGOR, JUNIOR MAKING NOISES IN THE BACKGROUND... SHY YETI CAN STILL BE HEARD GIGGLING - THE WHOLE SCENE FADES DOWN...
HERE IS ONE FINAL BRIEF SCENE TO BE PLAYED AFTER THE END THEME MUSIC...
SCENE 3 (OF 3, SHORT)
MR BROCANTE IS BUSY IN THE SHOP WITH HIS ASSISTANT, IGOR, JUNIOR...
BROCANTE:
Igor, Junior... We have more customers looking for the antique otter bed-socks... Do you have another box or two hanging around somewhere...
IGOR: (eager to please)
Yes, Master... Yes...
BROCANTE: (impatiently)
Well, hurry then... Go - fetch it...
JUST THEN THE PHONE RINGS - IT IS SHY YETI...
BROCANTE:
Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (yet again he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)
SHY:
Hello? Mister Brocante? It's Shy Yeti again... I just wondered if you could help me...
BROCANTE:
Why certainly sir... But if you were calling to query our returns policy, then I'm sorry - but it expired just minutes before you called...
SHY:
Oh no... We don't want to return anything... Aunt Tappie was thrilled with her gifts... Admittedly Bettina Du Pres hasn't yet seen the bill - but she's loaded and her boyfriend, Nathan is even more loaded I believe, at least I heard her say he was well-endowed...
BROCANTE: (trying to remain polite)
Excellent, sir... Then how can I help?
SHY:
I wanted to buy some antiques for myself... Do you ship to the UK?
BROCANTE:
Why, of course, sir... What sort of thing were you looking for? We have storks especially trained...
SHY:
Oh... Ah! You're kidding again... Okay! Sure... As for what I am looking for - I'm still unsure... Do you have anything exciting that you think might be of interest to a first time investor... Anything from a couple of centuries back in a nice bright shade of pink...
BROCANTE: (helpfully)
Errr... The badger hats that we shipped to Aunt Tappie come in pink... We still have half-a-dozen boxes of those - or you might like to experiment with something slightly more exotic... We have Aztec toe-warmers, just in... They've got a bit of a pong - but nothing you can't get rid of if you bung them in the washing machine on a hot wash. We have actual live ant-eaters in the shop modelling them - should you want to check out our web-cam... They do nip - but you should be safe on the other side of the screen...
SHY:
Oh marvellous! Marvellous... This all sounds jolly good... I do hope it's awfully expensive...
BROCANTE:
Of course... We'll make sure it is - we can always add some gold braid... Might I ask, is somebody else paying?
SHY: (chuckling)
It's funny you say that... Bettina wants to buy me a thank you gift for arranging this whole reunion with Aunt Tappie - I can't say it's been terribly successful, but I still intend to take her up on the offer... This whole business has been a complete nightmare to organise! Even my grey hairs have grey hairs! Go on...What else do you have...
BROCANTE: (fading out)
Well we did just get an actual genuine Egyptian Pyramid in just the other week - they come in pairs - all ancient and curse-free, in case you wondered - so no worries there... I think they always look mighty fine on a mantel-piece if you have the space...
SHY YETI OOH AND AAHS AND THE SCENE FADES OUT AND THE EPISODE CONCLUDES...
This script was written during April 2017.
SCENE 1 (OF 3, LONGER)
BROCANTE:
Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)
SHY:
Hello? I'm calling from London, England - I've heard very good things about your business...
BROCANTE: (with extra politeness)
That is most heartening, sir! How exactly can I be of help?
SHY: (nervously, cautiously)
Well, I was hoping to speak with Mister Brocante? Is that you, perhaps?
BROCANTE: (jovially)
Indeed, sir - at least it certainly was when I woke up this morning - I presume that nothing has changed since then? Might I be of some assistance, sir?
SHY: (self-importantly)
Err... Yes... Yes... I do hope so... I'm looking for a gift... It's from one friend of mine for another friend of mine - I'm sort of the middle man, as it were... I'm just trying to get some ideas and a friend of mine, a Mister Smellie recommended you...
BROCANTE:
Of course! I know Mister Smellie... He's always in here... He and his Auntie love to come antique shopping here.. I think those two quite literally must eat antiques - anything antique and shaped like a hen and they're simply all over it!
SHY:
Really... How lovely... Well, you see a friend of mine, Bettina - she's an agony aunt...
BROCANTE: (almost sarcastic, hard-to-tell, maybe just very dry)
Oh! Fabulous! Agony Aunt's are just the very best kind of Auntie's there is, aren't they?
SHY: (slightly muddled)
Errr... Absolutely! Well... You see, so Bettina is a friend of Auntie Tappie's - but they've not seen one another in years - they are due to meet soon, but Bettina wants to send Tappie a gift in advance... I'm sorry... You don't need to know any of this...
BROCANTE:
Not at all! It's fascinating... I'm sorry... May I ask? Are you an Australian gentleman? I note an international number...
SHY: (enthused)
Not Australian, no... I'm a bit of a fan of Australia though - but I'm actually English... I may have said before - I'm calling you now from London...
BROCANTE:
Oh, terrific! I've been to London - but not for years... I have family in Paris...
SHY:
Different country, of course - but geographically not so terribly far away... Anyway... As I was saying... If we can work out a good present for Tappie - then Mr Smellie has said that he will come and pick it up...
BROCANTE:
Marvellous! Well, as I actually know the customer then it'll probably help us make a selection...
SHY:
That would be good. So, do you have anything particular in mind? Sorry... I don't mean to rush you...
BROCANTE:
No trouble... Now, let me think... Well, now it does occur to me that have recently come into possession of a rather natty antique badger hat dating back to the early 1800s... Is that something that you might be interested in?
SHY: (unsure)
Errr... Maybe... I must say that do find badgers quite amusing!
BROCANTE: (mystified, in awe)
Amusing! AMUSING! Badgers are not to be laughed at, sir... Badgers are the mystic gurus of the animal world - they are to be worshipped - and adored...
SHY: (respectfully)
Fine! Yes... Whatever you say... I'm convinced... I didn't actually realise that badgers wore hats... Especially not back in the early 1800s...
BROCANTE: (quite sarcastic for a moment)
Well, what did you think they wore? Sea-shells?
SHY: (slightly fazed)
Errr... Umbrellas, maybe...
BROCANTE: (almost mocking)
Don't be ridiculous...
SHY: (defensive)
Sorry... To be honest I'm not sure if Aunt Tappie is particularly interested in badgers - partly because she isn't one nor is acquainted with one... At least I don't think she is... If you've got anything Poodle-themed then my podcasting colleague and show-biz friend Big Fatty might be interested; although that's quite a different matter...
BROCANTE: (slightly put out)
Well... No... I'm sorry... I have nothing of that nature - but I do promise to keep an eye out for you...
SHY:
Okay then... Well, moving on... What else do you have that I might be interested in... And before you say it - I already have an extra-terrestrial commode shaped like a question mark...
BROCANTE: (clearly not keen to speak on the subject)
Honestly! Hey, let's not go there... A couple of weeks ago my shop was full of the things...
SHY: (beginning to garble)
Well, I believe there was an alien gathering in the Finger-lake region... I can't even begin to tell you how I know that - but somewhere on another planet there's a statue of me on a hill-side that recites choice cuts from one of my favourite books of my own poetry...
BROCANTE: (not sounding like he really means it)
How enchanting...
SHY: (reflectively)
Yes... Yes... I suppose you could say so, in a way... I've never known quite whether to be flattered or offended - I'm told that it's sometimes used as an image to scare the alien children...
BROCANTE; (briskly)
Well, that seems fair enough to me, sir... You can't choose your audience...
SHY: (attempting to move the conversation on)
Well, anyway - so just to confirm - the whole extra-terrestrial commode idea is out before we even consider it...
BROCANTE: (thinking... dragging it out a bit)
Very good... Very good... Well now, let me think... What about Regency turnip-coloured bed-socks for otters?
SHY: (drily, slightly teasing)
All the rage, are they?
BROCANTE:
Back in the day, yes sir...
SHY: (slightly distracted / almost talking to self)
Regency... That's the 1800s again, isn't it? Hmm... Still, I'm not convinced... All these things are very practical - what about something nice that exists purely to be decorative - attractive... A centre-piece... Something feminine... This is for dear Aunt Tappie remember...
BROCANTE:
Does she do Haddock?
SHY: (caustically)
"Do them"? How does one do a haddock? Quickly before it swims away, I guess... DO THEM! Whatever do you mean?
BROCANTE: (returning to his earlier politeness mode)
Well, you see, I do have a range of rather nice pencil drawings...
SHY: (deliberately/disbelievingly)
Of Haddock?
BROCANTE: (matter-of-factly)
No... Of sheep - drawn by haddock...
SHY: (mutters to self)
Right! Of course, you do... You know what - I think I might just send her a nice big bouquet of flowers and big box of chocolates... It would definitely be easier...
BROCANTE: (helpfully)
I have both here if you're interested...
SHY:
What? Antique flowers? Antique chocolates?
BROCANTE:
Of course! Dating back to the late 1920s...
SHY: (quick to end the call)
Err... Sure... Right... Well, let me get back to you... Goodbye now... Thank you for calling...
SHY YETI HURRIEDLY BREAKS THE CALL...
BROCANTE: (slightly put out, talking to self)
What a rather odd gentleman... It's a stronger man than most that turns down pencil-drawings of sheep drawn by an Haddock in an Elizabethan wig... Oh well! His loss...
THE NEXT SCENE IS BRIEFER AND WILL BE INCORPORATED INTO EPISODE 100 SEPARATELY - ABOUT 10-15 MINUTES IN...
SCENE 2 (OF 3, SHORT)
MR YETI CALLS BACK TO THE ANTIQUE STORE SOME WHILE LATER...
BROCANTE:
Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (Once again he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)
SHY:
Hello? Mister Brocante? It's Shy Yeti again... I called you earlier...
BROCANTE:
Which century?
SHY:
Which century, what?
BROCANTE: (matter-of-factly)
Which century did you call me from? 18th? 19th? 20th? 21st Century? I've worked here a long time - I can't remember every caller - but we do keep a detailed log book of all the calls that we've received - including a good number of the messages delivered to us by pigeon-mail...
SHY: (sound a little out of sorts)
I called right at the start of this episode - about ten minutes ago... I was looking for a present for Toppie Smellie's Aunt Tappie - but we weren't having much luck! Well, now it looks like I've run out of time - I need to get packed - I have a flight to catch and I need this present selected before I leave... In fact there's no time for Toppie to come and examine it - it'll have to be express delivered!
BROCANTE: (vague)
Oh... Really? I'm terribly sorry - this is all a bit of a blur... Remind me again... What were their names? Tony Smiley, you say - and his pet poodle, Tipsy?
SHY:
No! No! It's Toppie, not Tony - Toppie Smellie... Just a minute? You're kidding me, right?
BROCANTE: (politely)
I am sir... I do remember you... I couldn't resist teasing you though, sir... To be honest I was expecting you to call back - especially after all the many various exciting potential gifts that we discussed when you called before... Who could resist?
SHY: (relieved)
Well, thank goodness... You put my blood pressure right up for a minute there...
BROCANTE: (hopeful)
Was it the bed-socks for otters sir? Was that what caused you to call back? I believe we also have them in a sort of mustard colour...
SHY:
To be honest I'm still no closer to deciding what I want to buy - so I'm just going to get the lot...
BROCANTE: (surprised)
Get the lot? What? ALL of it? Why, I don't understand, sir...
SHY:
The otter socks... The antique chocolates... The Haddock-drawn sheep portraits... The badger hat... Even the alien pooping receptacle... It's not as if I'm paying... Send the bill to Bettina Du Pres at the following address and to heck with the cost...
BROCANTE:
Err... Sir... Are you sure? *makes tapping noises* All those items come to slightly more than one million dollars...
SHY:
No problem at all? She can afford it... I recently learnt that she has shares in The Garden Gnome-ing Industry...
BROCANTE: (excitedly)
Well, if you absolutely sure, sir...
SHY: (decidedly)
Oh, yes... I am... Please, gift-wrap them and send them to Aunt Tappie and sign it With Love From Bettina Du Pres...
BROCANTE:
No problem, sir... I will get my assistant Igor, Junior onto it immediately... It will be our pleasure...
SHY: (warming to the idea, pleased)
Thank you! THANK YOU! She's going to love this! LOVE IT, I TELL YOU... *gibbers a bit, giggling to himself* I HAVE TO GO NOW! I HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH! I HAVE TO GO!!
BROCANTE:
Sir? Sir?! Are you okay? Hello? HELLO!? Good grief... Those Brits... Talk about eccentrics! They're all plain weird! (shouts) Igor! Bring the wrapping paper - no, the expensive range - the mice nibbled the cheap stuff... Presumably it's cheap but tastier... Oh, and tell the haddock that we need more sheep drawings - and make sure the paint is dry before we dispatch them this time... Oh, and tell the grand-mother otters that we need them to knit some more bed-socks too... HURRY IGOR! HURRY! HURRY!
WE HEAR IGOR, JUNIOR MAKING NOISES IN THE BACKGROUND... SHY YETI CAN STILL BE HEARD GIGGLING - THE WHOLE SCENE FADES DOWN...
HERE IS ONE FINAL BRIEF SCENE TO BE PLAYED AFTER THE END THEME MUSIC...
SCENE 3 (OF 3, SHORT)
MR BROCANTE IS BUSY IN THE SHOP WITH HIS ASSISTANT, IGOR, JUNIOR...
BROCANTE:
Igor, Junior... We have more customers looking for the antique otter bed-socks... Do you have another box or two hanging around somewhere...
IGOR: (eager to please)
Yes, Master... Yes...
BROCANTE: (impatiently)
Well, hurry then... Go - fetch it...
JUST THEN THE PHONE RINGS - IT IS SHY YETI...
BROCANTE:
Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (yet again he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)
SHY:
Hello? Mister Brocante? It's Shy Yeti again... I just wondered if you could help me...
BROCANTE:
Why certainly sir... But if you were calling to query our returns policy, then I'm sorry - but it expired just minutes before you called...
SHY:
Oh no... We don't want to return anything... Aunt Tappie was thrilled with her gifts... Admittedly Bettina Du Pres hasn't yet seen the bill - but she's loaded and her boyfriend, Nathan is even more loaded I believe, at least I heard her say he was well-endowed...
BROCANTE: (trying to remain polite)
Excellent, sir... Then how can I help?
SHY:
I wanted to buy some antiques for myself... Do you ship to the UK?
BROCANTE:
Why, of course, sir... What sort of thing were you looking for? We have storks especially trained...
SHY:
Oh... Ah! You're kidding again... Okay! Sure... As for what I am looking for - I'm still unsure... Do you have anything exciting that you think might be of interest to a first time investor... Anything from a couple of centuries back in a nice bright shade of pink...
BROCANTE: (helpfully)
Errr... The badger hats that we shipped to Aunt Tappie come in pink... We still have half-a-dozen boxes of those - or you might like to experiment with something slightly more exotic... We have Aztec toe-warmers, just in... They've got a bit of a pong - but nothing you can't get rid of if you bung them in the washing machine on a hot wash. We have actual live ant-eaters in the shop modelling them - should you want to check out our web-cam... They do nip - but you should be safe on the other side of the screen...
SHY:
Oh marvellous! Marvellous... This all sounds jolly good... I do hope it's awfully expensive...
BROCANTE:
Of course... We'll make sure it is - we can always add some gold braid... Might I ask, is somebody else paying?
SHY: (chuckling)
It's funny you say that... Bettina wants to buy me a thank you gift for arranging this whole reunion with Aunt Tappie - I can't say it's been terribly successful, but I still intend to take her up on the offer... This whole business has been a complete nightmare to organise! Even my grey hairs have grey hairs! Go on...What else do you have...
BROCANTE: (fading out)
Well we did just get an actual genuine Egyptian Pyramid in just the other week - they come in pairs - all ancient and curse-free, in case you wondered - so no worries there... I think they always look mighty fine on a mantel-piece if you have the space...
SHY YETI OOH AND AAHS AND THE SCENE FADES OUT AND THE EPISODE CONCLUDES...
This script was written during April 2017.
