PLANS FOR THE MM
CROSSOVER…
3 SKETCHES AND A
GOODBYE
BETTINA AND AUNT
TAPPIE – 1
Bettina:
Darling! What are we talking about today?
Aunt Tappie:
Oh… Silly… We’ve already discussed this…
Bettina:
Somebody ought to announce us dear… Don’t say another word
until somebody announces us…
Aunt Tappie:
Well, shouldn’t people already know that… No… No… Very well…
Toppie’s voice:
Our very special guests this time are my own Aunt Tappie –
often heard on the little Smellcast show and also Bettina Du Pres – actress,
socialite and star of The Shy Life Podcast!
Aunt Tappie:
Well, that was absolutely lovely…
Bettina:
Toppie! She’s not just your Auntie – she is also an actress,
socialite and podcaster… Really… Where he’s gone?
Aunt Tappie:
Never mind, dear – my entrance has been trumpeted and I am
happy… Now… Come along… It’s not our show… We need to get a move on… Let’s talk
film!
Bettina:
Oh yes, very well… Some of our favourites!
Aunt Tappie:
Thelma & Louise!
Bettina:
Oh… What a wonderful film – we both like that one, don’t we,
darling!?
Aunt Tappie:
Yes dear… They’re just like us, aren’t they dear?
Bettina:
Well… They’re friends; although I don’t think we were ever
quite as naughty as they were…
Aunt Tappie:
We were PRETTY naughty, darling – don’t make us out to be
angels…
Bettina:
Ah no… We were never angels – but sometimes we’d pretend we
were…
Aunt Tappie:
To get our own way…
Bettina:
Yes, dear! (they both
laugh)
Aunt Tappie:
Do you remember when we tried to trick Mr Warhol into buying
us dinner?
Bettina:
Of course, darling! We managed it too!
Aunt Tappie:
We did… You told him that your goldfish had died…
Bettina:
Yes, I did… And I smudged my mascara…
Aunt Tappie:
Yes… And I smudged my mascara too and it messed up my dress…
Bettina:
Which made you genuinely cry…
Aunt Tappie:
Yes! Yes… I did cry… Still… It got us a free dinner… (they both laugh again)
Bettina:
Anyway… Thelma and Louise…
Aunt Tappie:
WHERE dear? I don’t see them…
Bettina:
No! The FILM, darling… It’s one of our favourites…
Aunt Tappie:
Oh yes, dear – one of the very best… It’s a shame how it all
ends though…
Bettina:
Oh! Spoilers, darling!
Aunt Tappie:
REALLY!? (tuts) Well,
at least they go out in a blaze of glory…
Bettina:
I’d rather go out with a hunky lumberjack, myself…
Aunt Tappie:
Ha! You and me both, darling… (distracted) What? What! Oh… Apparently we’ve run out of time,
Bettina, darling…
Bettina:
What!? Already!?
Aunt Tappie:
We can come back in a bit, dear – Toppie and DJ have more to
be saying… We need to think of another favourite film…
Bettina:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre, darling!
Aunt Tappie:
No, Bettina! Something nice! Something for the ladies…
Bettina:
Oooh! Alright, then! More later, listeners!
Aunt Tappie:
Toodles, peeps!
BETTINA AND AUNT
TAPPIE – 2
Bettina:
So – did you want me to suggest another female buddy movie, dear?
Aunt Tappie:
I’m not sure, dear – I think they want us to say some more
about Thelma and Louise – it’s the movie that they’re discussing this week, remember…
Bettina:
Oh! Is it, Tappie, dear? Well, it is a very good movie… I approve!
Aunt Tappie:
What other film were you going to suggest, dear?
Bettina:
Well, my darling - I was actually thinking that Psycho might be a good one…
Aunt Tappie:
Psycho, dear!? As an example of a female buddy movie!?
Bettina:
Well, there ARE ladies in it, dear heart…
Aunt Tappie:
Yes, Betsy – I guess there is… But not in the same scene…
Bettina:
I'm sorry... Now you're confusing me... What do you mean, dear?
Aunt Tappie:
Well, lovely - if you recall the first lady gets murdered…
Bettina:
Spoilers, dear!
Aunt Tappie:
Oh, stop it, Betsy… Psycho was made 60 years ago… AND I don’t
see how it counts as a female buddy movie…
Bettina:
Well dear - when the first lady dies…
Aunt Tappie:
Marion… Her name’s Marion, dear – and her sister is Lila.
Bettina:
Oh golly, dear – you do know a lot… So when Marion gets… *whispers*
murdered… Her sister comes to the rescue to find out what’s going on…
Aunt Tappie:
Although she doesn’t rescue Marion, does she, dear - it's a bit late by then...
Bettina:
Well, I guess so…
Aunt Tappie:
Well then… Listen Betsy – we’re not even discussing Psycho - AND it’s not a female buddy movie…
Bettina:
Alright then, darling… So what are we discussing?
Aunt Tappie:
THELMA AND LOUISE, DEAR!?
Bettina:
AGAIN!?
Aunt Tappie:
Yes! YES!! RIGHT NOW THIS MINUTE!!
Toppie:
Sorry ladies… You’ve run out of time… You’ll have to talk
about Thelma and Louise again in the last segment…
Aunt Tappie:
WHAT!? REALLY!? Well, now look what you did Bettina – with all
your irrelevant wittering…
Bettina:
Well, I’m SORRRREEEE, dear…
Aunt Tappie:
I'm sure you are... Oh! Oh! This will get you excited, dear - Brad Pitt is in it…
Bettina:
He is, dear? In Psycho!?
Aunt Tappie:
NO! IN THELMA AND LOUISE…
Toppie:
Sorry, ladies… Out of time…
Aunt Tappie:
Well, REALLY!!
Bettina:
How unreasonable, dear…
BETTINA AND AUNT
TAPPIE – 3
Aunt Tappie:
Darling! We're back on...
Bettina:
On where, dear!? Oh, recording... Marvellous... Do you want some gin, dear?
Aunt Tappie:
In a minute I'd love some - but first we need to trade some facts about the film, dear - about Thelma and Louise!
Bettina:
Oooh! Well - the first thing I want to say is that I can't believe this film is almost 30 years old; well, getting there, at least!
Aunt Tappie:
Oh, darling! I know... It seems only five minutes ago... I do actually remember seeing it at the cinema; I may even have gone to the premier - I forget now. Brad Pitt was simply OBSESSED with me around this time...
Bettina:
Really, darling... How marvellous for you... Had to fight him off, did you?
Aunt Tappie:
Something like that... I didn't fight him off too hard, mind...
Bettina:
Oh, Tappie dear! You can be such a hussy sometimes...
Aunt Tappie:
Ha! You're right... Still...
Bettina:
I've never heard him mention you in interviews...
Aunt Tappie:
No, darling... I swore him to secrecy... This was before the days of Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston, of course and years before Angelina Jolie came on the picture...
Bettina:
Sure... Sure... Anyway! Enough of that fiction; we should talk more about the film - I have facts here...
Aunt Tappie:
But the boys might already have discussed them...
Bettina:
You can't presume that, dear - directed by Ridley Scott... Geena Davis, Susan Sarandon... Harvey Keitel, Michael Madsen...
Aunt Tappie:
Brad Pitt...
Bettina:
Yes, thank you, dear - we've said QUITE enough about him, I think...
Aunt Tappie:
Six Academy Award nominations - won for Best Original Screenplay...
Bettina:
Did you know that it was very nearly Meryl Streep and Cher in the lead roles?
Aunt Tappie:
How fascinating! They could have turned it into a movie - like Mamma Mia - only... grittier... and with more scenes involving Brad Pitt...
Bettina:
Yeeeesssss... I sense a common theme here... Anyway - the story is meant to be set on a fictional route between Arkansas and the Grand Canyon, but it was actually filmed almost entirely in California and Utah. Oh golly... Do you remember that weekend we had in Utah back in '71, darling...
Aunt Tappie:
Remember it, darling? Why, of course not - but then again 1971 is a complete blur...
Bettina:
I spent most of it doing bit parts in Italian crime thrillers - the amount of Jack Daniels I drunk then was criminal...
Aunt Tappie:
I used to share a flat with a couple of hotties called Jack and Danny... The things they got up to... well... I really must write my autobiography one day!
Bettina:
Of course you'll have to make it all up if you're forgotten most of it...
Aunt Tappie:
Good point, darling! Ha!
Toppie:
Ladies! We're out of time... Let's call it a day - say goodbye to the listeners, why don't you?!
Aunt Tappie:
So soon! What a pity... Well, goodbye lovely listeners - goodbye from me - your friend Aunt Tappie!
Bettina:
...And goodbye from me too - Bettina Du Pres! It's been an absolute pleasure - one million kisses - one million and one kisses... (she does her usual chuckle)
Toppie:
Okay, ladies! Thank you! That's a wrap!
Aunt Tappie:
Wow! It's hot here, Betsy darling! Is it just me?
Bettina:
No! I'm burning up... Hey! Toppie! How's about a couple of gin and tonics for a pair of old broads...
Aunt Tappie:
Doubles! In a long glass with some extra ice!
Bettina:
Oh yes! And a cherry!
Toppie:
Your wish is my command...
Bettina and Aunt Tappie laugh and the sketch ends...
