THE CRYPTKEEPER - FOR THE SHY LIFE PODCAST HALLOWEEN SHOW!!

CRYPTKEEPER LINKS FOR MISTER TROBBELIDGE...

This script was written during late August and early September 2017 to be included as links for THE SHY LIFE PODCAST'S Halloween episode to go alongside pre-recorded scenes for this edition...

SCENE 1

To be played right at the start of the episode...

PAUL: (excitedly-introduction voice)

Hello and welcome to a very exciting edition of The Shy Life Podcast! This one has been waiting for you for a while now - we recorded it on location in April as we really wanted to be prepared. Also we wanted to be different and present to you with a Spring ghost story and...

CRYPTKEEPER: (yokel accent, attempting doom)

Note: Mr Trowby. Please adapt any lines to accommodate additional yokelisms.

Ooh ahh. Excuse me, sir! I'm sorry - but you can't record Halloween podcasts there!

PAUL: (disgruntled)

Really? Says who? You? Who have you come dressed as? A bargain budget grim reaper? My goodness - I've heard of austerity, but this is ridiculous...

CRYPTKEEPER: (somewhat sternly)

No... No... No... That is not the case at all - I'm not the Reaper; Grim is actually my cousin... Boy is that one a show off... Young whipper-snapper - flaunting his oopizootics and flashing his impressive blade about! I swear that one day he's going to have somebody's eye out with that thing!

PAUL: (mellowing slightly)

Good grief! It doesn't bear thinking about! So who are you, exactly?

CRYPTKEEPER: (proudly)

I'm the cryptkeeper, Dorset branch.

PAUL: (doubtful)

Really? You don't sound especially scary? Are you meant to be?

CRYPTKEEPER: (doing his best yokel Brian Blessed impression)

Don't try me, Madame... I say, don't try me... Run the title music!

PAUL: (initially put out and then resignedly, but in his radio voice)

Hey! That's my line... Oh, for goodness... Go on then... You heard the man! Run the title music! (mutters, impressed) Good grief, listeners... His eyes are actually quite hypnotic! Even on audio!!

The Title Music Plays...

SCENE 2

Before things get going...

PAUL: (still doing his confident podcasting voice)

So, there we go... That was the title music! Moving on now - we have a fear packed new episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST for you today... and... actually... that does sound a little off-putting when I say it like that... Really... It'll be very enjoyable - but because it's Halloween it'll also be a little scary too, maybe... Well, hopefully, I should say - but - you know - in a good way...

CRYPTKEEPER: (interrupting)

Hello! You do know that you can't do that here, don't you?

PAUL: (put out)

I beg your pardon!?

CRYPTKEEPER: (matter-of-fact)

You do know that you can't do that here - that there podcasting... You can't do it here... All I'm telling you is exactly what I told that last lot...

PAUL: (curious)

The last lot of what!?

CRYPTKEEPER:

Of podcasters... From them there Round The Archives podcast...

PAUL: (excitedly)

Oh, I know them... They're very good... I've been on that show, you know... I did the end theme tune...

CRYPTKEEPER: (mutters to self, but Shy overhears)

That explains a lot...

PAUL: (grumpily)

Hey! Don't be mean! Anyway - how come you get to say who stands here anyway...

CRYPTKEEPER: (forcefully)

It's MY crypt! So please - go on your way... I don't want to have to do to you what I did to your podcasting colleagues...

PAUL: (with concern)

Oh, blimey... What did you do?

CRYPTKEEPER: (sounding quite impressed by his own actions)

I don't want to go into it, but let's just say I had to open up a brand new box of rubber spiders and order extra squirty cobwebs once I was done...

PAUL: (quick to make an exit)

Good grief man! There's no need for talk like that! Alright... Alright... I'm going... I presume there must be another spooky graveyard somewhere around here... Come on listeners... Let's go... Moving on...

SCENE 3

This occurs somewhere near the middle of the episode...

PAUL: (doing his radio voice again)

Hello listeners... I hope you're enjoying our Halloween episode - it's terribly spooky, isn't it? We're going to pause for a bit of poetry now... Well, when I say a bit of poetry - don't worry - I am going to read a whole poem... I'm not going to suddenly tail off half-way through... Although I imagine one or two of you would rather that's exactly what I did! There really is no accounting for taste...

CRYPTKEEPER: (surprised)

HEY! YOU! What are you doing here again?

PAUL: (equally as surprised, but quite casual considering)

Oh! It's you again! The cryptkeeper with the... regional accent...

CRYPTKEEPER: (attempting to scare them)

That be me... I thought I told you to be on your way... Do you want me to dig out a pair of fake devil horns and a rather unconvincing plastic pitchfork to send the fear of the all hallows into you?

PAUL: (hurriedly, with concern)

No! No! Not at all... I'm sorry... I had no idea I'd wandered back into your crypt... I seem to be going round and around here... It's so hard to tell when you're working on audio...

CRYPTKEEPER: (disapprovingly)

Lack-lustre sound effects - that's your problem!

PAUL: (a little sombrely) 

I know! I know! We're just not up to the standard of some shows...

CRYPTKEEPER: (knowingly)

You're no Smellcast, that's for sure... You need to have a word with Toppie Smellie... He'll set you on the right road when comes to sound effects...

PAUL: (surprised)

You know Toppie!?!

CRYPTKEEPER: (casually)

Sure... We play bingo together... We have a fictional childhood together where we play all manner of card and board games...

PAUL: (upset)

You do... You what!?! I'm shocked... Oh! The Horror! The Horror! I thought I was the only one who he had a fictional childhood with... I'm devastated...

CRYPTKEEPER: (chuckling)

I'm only teasing, I was listening to one of your old episodes earlier... Now get out of here you bubble-headed boobie, you - before I set my pack of slightly grumpy chihuahuas on you and your rather meagre audience...

PAUL: (urgently, hurried, moving on...)

Ohhhhhhhhhhh,., Run listeners! Run! Here are some poems... 

SCENE 4

Just before the end...

PAUL: (radio voice)

So, that's about all we've got time for this episode... Oh... Just a minute... This place looks familiar... Oh, cor blimey... You'll never guess where we've ended up... 

CRYPTKEEPER: (non-plussed)

Back at my crypt...

PAUL: (embarrassed)

Sorry... Yes... It wasn't intentional... It's just such a lovely creepy location... All the other locations on this show are really low budget... Just mist with a random spot of howling or screaming thrown in... You've actually got gravestones here and some semblance of half-arsed spookiness...

CRYPTKEEPER: (mellowing)

So kind... Ah... Shucks... You do know how to flatter a fella, don't ya, yeti...

PAUL: (slightly awkwardly)

I only speak as I find... Anyway... I suppose we better be going...

CRYPTKEEPER: (now almost friendly)

Oh! Never mind... You're persistent! I admire that! How about a cup of tea and a slice of cake? Do you want to see around my crypt?

PAUL: (excitedly)

Oooh! It's the best offer that I've had all day... Can the audience come too!

CRYPTKEEPER: (overly pleased)

Why, of course! I'm always stocked up on tea bags... Come in! Come in! None of you are ticklish, are you? We have a poltergeist here called Barnaby who has wandering hands...

PAUL: (enthused)

Oooh! Sounds marvellous! Come on listeners... Let's run the end theme tune... 

SCENE 5

Right at the very end...

PAUL: (just talking quietly to the listeners)

Hello again listeners... How is your tea? Isn't he nice this cryptkeeper... I knew he wasn't as mean as he made out...

CRYPTKEEPER: (curious but kindly)

What are you saying about me, yeti?

PAUL: (happy)

Ooh! Nothing bad... Just how lovely it's been to have you on the show...

CRYPTKEEPER: (apologetically)

Oh... Well... I'm sorry we got off on the wrong fang...

PAUL: (with affection)

You're a bit of softy really aren't you... Despite your spooky look...

CRYPTKEEPER: (giggles)

Hehe... I am rather... But don't tell anyone, will you?

PAUL: (sincere, hopeful)

I won't... It's fine... What did you think of the episode? Was it scary enough?

CRYPTKEEPER: (blithely)

Oh! I wouldn't know... I don't listen to scary things - I live it - I don't want to hear it in my spare time!

PAUL: (surprised)

You never watch horror films? Not even at Halloween?

CRYPTKEEPER: (keen)

Oh no... It's romantic comedies and anything involving making sponge cakes for me... Do you ever discuss romantic comedies and sponge cakes on your show?

PAUL: (unsure)

Hmm... Not yet... I guess we could... Would you be willing to come back on the show?

CRYPTKEEPER: (dreamily)

I'd love to... You know what I've always wanted to do, yeti...

PAUL: (curious)

No... What?

CRYPTKEEPER: (excitedly)

Play Santa... I've always wanted to do it - the red suit - the beard - the ho,ho,hos - the works...

PAUL: (uncertain)

Really?

CRYPTKEEPER:

Too right! As I say, I'd be prepared to dress up...

PAUL: (resignedly)

Well, I'm sure that could arranged - not that your costume would be too much of a problem on a podcast!

CRYPTKEEPER:

Oh, but I'd HAVE to dress up - that's half the fun...

PAUL: (in agreement)

Alright then... Fantastic! That's a deal... I'm not much of a Christmas person...

CRYPTKEEPER:

Are you not? Oh! I love it...

PAUL:

I love the food, of course... Anyway, let's do it - I'll be in touch...

CRYPTKEEPER: (quite emotional)

Terrific! You've made an old cryptkeeper very happy...

PAUL: (taking control again)

Great! I'm glad. Well, we have to go now... Say goodbye to the listeners please, cryptkeeper...

CRYPTKEEPER: (politely)

You can call me Gordon...

PAUL:

Say goodbye to the listeners please, Gordon...

GORDON: (over-playing it)

Goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee listeners...

PAUL: (to audience, lowering voice)

He's really not scary at all once you get to know him...

GORDON: (distant)

What's he saying about me? I'm ever so spooky... Honest I am... (fade out as Paul laughs)

All contents of this post are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.