GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE CHRISTMAS STAR!!
CAST:
GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS
OLIVER LOUSE
SHY YETI
CHARLIE GRRR
IKK THE ALIEN
THE MAN FROM THE MANAGEMENT
THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS
Setting The Scene:
It is late afternoon, just before Christmas and we join Shy Yeti, Gladstone McWhiskers, Oliver Louse and Charlie Grrr who are busily swanning about the Christmas Market in Hyde Park. Charlie is causing all manner of disturbances, but this gives the other time to enjoy a mulled wine and to catch up. Both Gladstone and Ollie walk using electro-powered stilts - so they are all at the same height of a normal human-being rather than being lost in the crowd amongst busy feet! As they make their way through the market and the fairground people tip their caps at the three of them - clearly aware who they are - although they are definitely more interested in Gladstone than in Oliver or Shy Yeti.
SHY: (wistfully)
I can't believe it's Christmas again! One minute it's late Summer - next it's Halloween followed by my birthday and suddenly... Christmas week! BOOM!
GLADSTONE: (knowingly/in agreement)
You're not wrong there, Yeti...
OLLIE: (concerned)
I hear your birthday wasn't exactly a success this year... You must be upset - I know how much you love to celebrate it!
SHY: (playing it cool)
Oh... I'm over it now, but yes... I got myself locked in a basement in a spooky old mansion in the country... I was meant to be going to Italy, but it simply didn't happen for me...
OLLIE: (supportive)
What a shame... You doing alright now, mate?
SHY: (still very casual)
Oh yes... For sure... Water under the bridge...
OLLIE: (making polite conversation)
Which city had you planned on heading to?
SHY: (chuckling a little)
Verona... Never been before... Still haven't been - at least I have, but only in my imagination...
OLLIE: (lowering his tone, in confidence)
Sometimes you just can't beat a good imaginary holiday... I take them all the time - working for this one who doesn't much like to vacation you bloomin' well have to!
GLADSTONE: (sounding hurt, but not really meaning it)
Now! Now! That isn't true and you know it, Oliver! You should come with us to Venice next time we go... Do you know it?
SHY: (a little over-enthusiastically)
Do I know, Venice!?! Do I ever! It's only my every favourite place EVER!
OLLIE: (encouragingly)
Then you really should come next time...
GLADSTONE: (in agreement)
Absolutely!
SHY: (keenly, but growing distracted)
I WILL! Now... (looking around the busy fairground in front of them) Where exactly are we meant to be meeting Charlie!?
OLLIE: (looking around)
Is there a pie stall here? There must be!
SHY: (still a little O.T.T.)
Mince pies, surely - it's Christmas after all...
GLADSTONE: (calmly)
Let's go and take a look around...
THEY HAVEN'T GONE FAR WHEN THEY HEAR A COMMOTION - AT FIRST THEY IGNORE IT AND THEN THEY BEGIN TO RECOGNISE THE VOICE - THE FIGURE CAUSING ALL THE FUSS IS NONE OTHER THAN CHARLIE GRRR...
(intrigued/dismayed) Good gracious! What is going on now?
OLLIE: (lowering his voice)
We can keep walking, if you prefer boss - it's not like he's our responsiblility...
SHY: (keenly)
Oh! And miss all the action!? Surely not...
GLADSTONE: (with a sigh)
I wouldn't put it quite that way... But you're right - he kind of is my responsibility - maybe I can settle him down a bit and sort out whatever the problem is...
OLLIE: (solemn)
I hope you don't regret trying, boss...
GLADSTONE: (sadly)
Oh... It usually pays off in the end, at least for a while - but then only a few days down the line we're back to square one and there's some new issue that he's caused rearing its ugly head...
SHY: (with a grin at the memory)
Sometimes literally! Remember the time he invited Nessie down to London for the weekend?
OLLIE: (also chuckling)
Don't let him hear you calling him ugly... Sorry, boss!
GLADSTONE: (wincing)
Hmmm... I don't think there's any worry of that occasion - Nessie has long since gone home, but yes - I do remember it well!
SHY: (apologetically)
I must say, I do feel partly responsible for that as it was some of my team who had been hunting for Nessie in the first place... Of course when I say "hunting" I mean that in the kindest and most sociable way possible, you understand...
GLADSTONE: (with understanding)
Of course - I don't doubt it for a minute...
OLLIE LOOKS AS IF HE MIGHT BE THINKING OF SAYING SOMETHING BUT THEN GETS DISTRACTED, FOR THEY ARE NOW QUITE CLOSE TO A STALL WHERE IT SEEMS THAT CHARLIE IS CAUSING A COMMOTION - IN FACT HE APPEARS TO BE ATTEMPTING TO DRUM UP TRADE FOR ONE OF HIS MANY CREATIVE PROJECTS... HE HAS EVEN SET UP A STALL AND HAS A RANGE OF HIS WARES THERE - ONLY APPARENTLY HE HADN'T CLEARED THIS WITH THE MANAGEMENT OF THE CHRISTMAS MARKET AND A NUMBER OF THE STALL HOLDERS ARE NOT BEST PLEASED AS HE SEEMS TO HAVE STOLEN THEIR THUNDER AND THE VISITORS TO THE MARKET ARE CROWDING AROUND THE BEAR RATHER THAN THEIR STALLS THAT ARE SELLING MULLED WINE, MINCE PIES AND OTHER CHRISTMAS-RELATED NICK-NACKS...
GLADSTONE: (with frustration)
Will somebody please tell me exactly what is going on here!?!
CHARLIE: (oblivious to any trouble that he may be causing)
Oh! Gladstone! How good to see you?! Ah! Shy! Oliver... What a splendid welcoming committee...
SHY: (trying to remain positive)
Afternoon, Charlie... What are you up to now?
CHARLIE: (proudly)
Just trying to give my public a little seasonal performance that's all...
OLLIE: (mutters)
Whilst offering them a range of Charlie Grrr-related merchandising at the same time...
CHARLIE: (matter-of-factly)
Well, of course - it would be remiss of me to show up for such an occasion and not to have anything of mine to sell them... My audience requires t-shirts, albums, dvds and blu-rays...
SHY: (trying to come up with as silly examples as he can manage)
Monogrammed pie-shaped cuff-links - personally paw-autographed extra glossy photo-album and uniquely poseable Charlie Grrr holographic fondu-set...
CHARLIE: (enthused)
Well yes, exactly... Of course! Although I'd not thought of that last one - I really must write it down!
GLADSTONE: (calmly but sternly)
Yes, well that is all very well - but you do realise that you should have gotten approval from the management here to actually do this - you need a special permit like all the other stall-holders here...
MANAGEMENT MAN: (quietly furious)
You can't just wander in here selling your trinkets - not without arranging it financially with ourselves...
CHARLIE: (very magnanimously)
No! No! It's fine... I am willing to waive any fee - you do not need to pay me anything...
GLADSTONE: (speaking low but informatively)
I suspect Mr... The gentleman here was rather expecting YOU to pay HIM for being here...
CHARLIE: (shocked/disbelieving)
Goodness! How preposterous! I am giving him free publicity... What more could he want? All these people here (he indicates the crowd) have been tweeting and posting photos on their instagram accounts telling their friends and family all about this little market of yours...
MANAGEMENT MAN: (outraged)
Begging you pardon, Mister Grrr, but we get thousands of tourists every year - quite probably millions and we have done so without your help up until now, I'll have you know... We're in the very centre of London... We have no need for additional publicity, thank you very much...
CHARLIE: (scoffing)
What nonsense! You're clearly being deliberately humorous - or you think you are... Well alas, I can tell you it isn't in any way amusing...
SHY/OLLIE: (unnerved)
Oh dear...
GLADSTONE: (attempting to intervene)
Well now... I'm sure we can sort this matter out...
CHARLIE: (disgruntled)
I don't know that there's time right now... I was hoping to sing my dance version of "Twinkle! Twinkle, Little Star..." but the star has already arrived...
SHY: (confused)
The star has WHAT!?
OLLIE: (surprised yet enlightened)
THE STAR HAS ARRIVED!! LOOK! UP IN THE SKY!?!
THEY ALL LOOK - AS DO THE PEOPLE MAKING UP THE CROWD AND SURE ENOUGH DESCENDING TOWARDS THEM IS WHAT LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE A STAR - ALTHOUGH ON CLOSER INSPECTION IT ACTUALLY RESEMBLES A BADLY DECORATED SPACE CRAFT INTENDED TO LOOK LIKE A STAR... EVERYONE SEEMS QUITE ASTONISHED BUT THEY ARE BUSILY TAKING PHOTOS... STILL... SHY SOON RECOGNISES THE VEHICLE...
CHARLIE: (with his most impressive booming growl)
THE CHRISTMAS STAR HAS ARRIVED!!
GLADSTONE: (intrigued)
Most curious...
OLLIE: (impressed)
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL!!?
MANAGEMENT MAN: (dismayed/thinking practically)
GOOD GRIEF!! THIS IS A HEALTH AND SAFETY NIGHTMARE AND NO MISTAKE!!!
OLLIE:
What's up Shy? You look a bit non-plussed...
SHY: (keen to explain)
Oh... It's okay... It's just that I recognise the space ship... It belongs to one of my colleagues from the podcast... Ikk... You may have heard him on the show - I'm not sure that you've ever met...
OLLIE: (nervously)
No... Oh... Goodness... What's he doing here?
SHY: (disapproving)
Well, he's a sweet fellow - but sometimes far too naive and easily lead... I suspect that Charlie has talked him into doing this in exchange for... well, goodness knows what - probably nothing at all... Ikk likes to be helpful - he wouldn't demand anything if he thought he was doing Charlie a favour...
CHARLIE: (boomingly)
SHHH NOW! SHHH! MAKE WAY FOR THE CHRISTMAS STAR!!!
THE CROWDS STAND BACK - ALLOWING THE STAR/SPACE CRAFT TO LAND AMONGST THE MARKET STALLS - AFTER A MOMENT OR TWO A DOORWAY APPEARS FROM BEHIND SOME TINSEL THAT HAD BEEN COVERING THE ENTRANCE AND IKK - A FRIENDLY LOOKING ALIEN WEARING A SANTA CLAUS COSTUME AND RATHER TOO MUCH GLITTER EMERGES... EVERYBODY APPLAUDS - EVEN THE MAN FROM MANAGEMENT WHO HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN SO OUTRAGED...
IKK: (in his familiar high voice)
Hello everyone... My name is Santa Cuuuulause... I really shouldn't be here yet as it's not yet Christmas Day... I'm just here to say hello though and to pick up my good friend Charlie Grrr - to take him back to Beargrrria...
GLADSTONE: (grateful, chuckling)
Now that is an eventuality that I can get behind and fully support...
OLLIE: (slightly over-come)
Is that really Santa? REALLY-REALLY!?
SHY: (grinning, with affection)
Well, of course not - no... I told you... It's my colleague, Ikk... Charlie is just using him to transport all his purchases and whatnot back to his home to save having to post everything...
RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT A FLEET OF VANS BEGIN TO PULL UP - EACH WITH THE LOGO OF A VERY EXPENSIVE LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE STAMPED ON THE SIDE...
OLLIE: (surprised)
You're RIGHT!
SHY: (with mock offence)
Of course I'm RIGHT!!
GLADSTONE: (sympathetically)
Of course he is - Shy knows Charlie Grrr ALMOST as well as we do!
MEANWHILE, CHARLIE IS BUSY GETTING ALL HIS SHOPPING TRANSFERRED FROM THE VANS INTO THE SPACE SHIP - WHILST ALSO WAVING TO THE CROWD AND SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS... IKK LOOKS A LITTLE STAR-STRUCK BY ALL THE ATTENTION - BUT IS ALSO QUITE ENJOYING THE THEATRICS OF THE MOMENT...
You know what everybody... I think we can just let Charlie and Ikk deal with this matter... We're not required here...
OLLIE: (disappointed)
Oh... You mean we don't get to ride on the rocket ship...
GLADSTONE: (horrified)
NO! We do NOT get to ride on the rocket ship...
SHY: (lowering his voice)
I've done it... It's nothing to write home about - but don't tell Ikk I said that...
GLADSTONE: (chuckling)
You know I think I've seen quite enough of the market... I believe we should leave Charlie to his audience and go and get ourselves an afternoon tea - maybe even a cocktail...
SHY: (beaming)
I like your plan...
OLLIE: (wiggling his mandibles about excitedly)
I can't deny that I like the sound of that very much too...
CHARLIE: (disappointedly noting that they are departing)
YOU'RE NOT GOING, ARE YOU? I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SING...
SHY: (mutters)
Just keep walking - pretend you don't hear him...
GLADSTONE: (in agreement)
Good idea... Hurry along, Oliver...
OLLIE: (glad to be going)
You're two are so cruel - although it's probably for the best... I really don't think my ears deserve the torture of having to listen to one of Charlie's tunes about how marvellous he is - they really don't!
CHARLIE: (calling after them)
HEY! GUYS! HEEEEEY!
BUT GLADSTONE, SHY AND OLLIE KEEP WALKING AND WE LEAVE CHARLIE, IKK AND THE CROWDS OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS ENJOYING THEMSELVES AT THE CHRISTMAS MARKET - EVEN THE MAN FROM MANAGEMENT IS POSING FOR A PHOTO WITH THE INFAMOUS BEAR WHICH LOOKS LIKELY TO APPEAR IN THE EVENING PAPERS...
HAPPY CHRISTMAS BLOG READERS!! THANK YOU FOR READING!! BEST WISHES FOR 2018!! YETI HUGS, PAUL THE SHY YETI! XXX
