SHY YETI AND LONG LOST COUSIN ALGERNON!!
This script was written between March and early July 2018 and is intended to be included as links for an episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST where Mr Yeti meets his long lost cousin Algernon. The rest of this episode will be ad-libbed around these scripted scenes/links for release later in 2018.
To be played right at the start of the episode...
YETI: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)
Hello listeners! I'm terribly excited today... You'll never guess what's happening - you really won't! It's okay - I'm going to tell you... (takes a deep breath, makes a slightly excited whimper) I'm about to meet a long-lost member of my yeti family! My long lost Cousin Algernon!! It's been a while coming... You may remember that I had a letter from him back a few months now; well - we've been emailing one another for a month or three and have been getting on very well... So now's time to finally connect. I was hoping that Yeti Uncle John would be able to join me, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen now - well, you know how busy he gets (add any relevant event specific to time of recording)... It's all terribly exciting - I can't help myself but keep talking about it to people... Have a listen to this, why don't you!?!
Of course John is being terribly sceptical - but the rest of the team are more positive...
AT THIS POINT PAUL TALKS WITH A NUMBER OF THE REGULARS - JOHN, CROMITTY, MARTIN, BETTINA, DAMEUS, ALBERT, CHARLIE GRRR ETC - BUT IT IS ALL AD-LIB...
There you go! At least not everyone is as negative as Yeti Uncle John - he was having a go at me because at some point I mistakenly called Algernon my Uncle, but it turns out he's my Cousin - John thinks it's suspicious, but I think he's just being extra grumpy. I mean, you know how complicated yeti families can be... So he's my cousin! My cousin... It's all been ironed out now! Well, kind of...
When I say that I'm about to MEET Long Lost Cousin Algernon this isn't strictly true - we're actually going to speak online, but I'm sure we will meet eventually - this is just the start... As I say - it's ever so exciting...
We hear the beep of a Skype call and then join the conversation a little way in...
YETI: (over-excitedly)
This is amazing! I can't believe that we've been able to connect like this... Isn't technology wonderful?
ALGERNON: (calmer, but pleased)
It is boy, it surely is... Although I do hope that one day soon we'll be able to meet in person...
YETI: (showing interest)
Sure... Where is it you're living at the moment? Philadelphia, is it?
ALGERNON: (somewhat vague)
Well, yes... Mostly... But I travel... I think it's in the blood - as I hear you're very keen on it too...
YETI: (enthusiastically)
What? Travelling? Oh yes... I love it! I've been all over Europe - but I'd love to come to Philadelphia... Maybe I could arrange a trip for next year... I've been to America on a number of occasions...
ALGERNON: (taking charge)
Yes... Yes... I'n sure that would be possible... Although what I think would be better would be if I came to you... I have a long history with London and I have some business to attend over there too...
YETI: (encouraging)
Really? Well, that would be marvellous... Just let me know when you're coming... Do you have a date?
ALGERNON: (suddenly becoming very vague)
Well, no... No... Not yet... It all depends on my funding...
YETI: (curious/nosey)
Oh yes? Funding from your work?
ALGERNON: (sounding quite mysterious)
Kind of, yes...But it's... well... it's a little unconventional... I mean, you might think it is - but it's actually pretty normal for people these days - especially when you're self-employed like me...
YETI: (trying not to probe too much)
Oh... Yes... Right... I don't think I have a clear picture of what you actually do... I wasn't sure if the travelling was for work or for play...
ALGERNON: (still vague)
A little of both, of course - but no... I have quite a lot of claws in a number of different pies...
YETI: (politely)
Oooh... That sounds awfully exciting...
ALGERNON: (sounding genuine)
I import bobble-hats for kittens - very rich kittens... That's one of the things I do... Woollen ones... Expensive wool... From very shy koala bears...
YETI: (slightly lost for words)
Oh... Gosh... Interesting... I imagine bobble hats like that must be really quite expensive...
ALGERNON: (in agreement)
Oh they are... They are... Very expensive... But, of course, it's only a small part of what I get up to...
YETI: (trying to remain casual)
Gosh... Well, you must tell me more... If you'd like to...
ALGERNON: (warming to the subject of talking about himself)
Well, when I'm not importing ever-so expensive bobble-hats for ever-so rich kittens I am also a party planner... That's where I make most of my money, to be honest...
YETI: (enthused)
Wow! A party planner - an
INTERNATIONAL party planner from the sounds of it... What? Rich people call you up and say - come here and organise some kind of fancy shindig for me?
ALGERNON: (modestly/non-committal)
Something like that...
YETI: (very impressed)
WOW! Golly, you don't half live a show-biz jet-setting life, Cousin Algie... I can't wait to hear more!
ALGERNON: (thoughtful)
Yes... Yes... Well, as soon as I can get over there... I either need a party to come up that is going on in London or I need my next online fund-raising total to reach its target...
YETI: (surprised)
Oh... You can't afford just to travel outside of work?
ALGERNON: (vaguely)
Alas, no... Obviously I have loads of money for an emergency - but I'm afraid it's all tied up in shares and property at the moment... I really must show you some of the photos...
YETI: (surprised/excited)
You're building a house?
ALGERNON: (sounding quite smug)
Well... It's more of a hotel... A resort, let's say... Or it will be once it's done...
YETI:
Oh, wow... Will I be able to visit?
ALGERNON: (so generous!)
When it's done - yes, of course... You should come and bring all your podcasting friends...
YETI: (dreaming big dreams)
I will... Yes... I have friends in the States... Maybe we could even have our next podcasting conference in your hotel - when it opens...
ALGERNON: (business-like)
That would be terrific... But why not organise some kind of fanclub show for your podcast in London - get me to organise it for you and then we'll get to meet... I'd like to say just pay for the flight - but inevitably there would be expenses - my accountant gets mad with me for doing unpaid work; even when it is for relatives...
YETI: (modestly/playful)
Sure... Sure... Still... I'm not sure I have enough fans in the UK - or even in the whole world to fill up a conference hall... maybe a telephone box... Ha! Even then there'd still be room for a merchandising table or two...
ALGERNON: (supportively)
Hey, guy! Don't sell yourself short...
YETI: (sounding positive and full of ideas)
No... No... I'm not... I'm just being realistic... Still... I have an idea...
ALGERNON: (almost affectionately)
Hey! Look... I'm going to have to go now, furry-guy...
YETI: (hopeful)
Can we speak again soon? I want to have a word with the listeners and then I'll have a plan to share with you...
ALGERNON: (in agreement)
Fine... Yes... Sure... Good to talk to you; speak to you later...
YETI: (enthused)
Bye now... Great to talk to you... Hey... Algie... I was going to ask...
(but the call drops) Oh! Oh... Well, never mind... Hey, listeners! I have an idea... I want to help my cousin... I really want to meet him and I can tell that he's a pretty proud kind of yeti - there's no way that he's going to accept me buying him a ticket... But if I can help by getting him over here as some kind of crowd-funding deal then I'm pretty sure that he'll be fine with that... I just have to think of something that I can do that people would be prepared to donate money to see... I'm going to come up with something and then I'll call him back... If you have any ideas do please let me know, won't you? Thanks listeners... Back in a bit... Moving on... Listen to something else and I'll speak to you in a bit...
To be played in the middle of the episode...
YETI: (excitedly)
Hello, listeners! Well, things are happening... I emailed Cousin Algernon with all my ideas and he seems to love them... We're about to speak again - at any minute, in fact... I do hope that he likes what I've come up with... As I explained before - I'm not averse to a spot of fund-raising... (Skype begins to ring) Oooh... There he is... Hello Cousin Algie! How are you? It's lovely to chat with you again! What's the weather like? Is it rainy? I bet it isn't - it's America, right - I bet it's sunny... Really sunny - like probably too sunny - the sort of sun which makes you feel like you're beginning to melt... (rambling now) Hey! Do you think that can actually happen? Can it actually get that hot? I mean in America - because clearly it can be hotter enough like... in a volcano, say - or up on the sun...
ALGIE: (slightly awkward)
Errr... Yeah... It is kind of sunny, for sure... But just ordinary sunny - nothing too extreme...
YETI: (enthusiastically)
Oh, I am glad... Listen now! I have so many ideas to tell you about... Ideas for things that you could do to raise money for your journey over here...
ALGIE: (surprised)
Things that I could do?
YETI: (confused)
Err... Yes...
ALGIE: (selflessly)
You would be helping too, I take it... I mean... It might be difficult for me to do some of the fund-raising things alone, but; well, I guess if I must then I must...
YETI: (supportively)
Oh no... Sure... Sure! It's definitely something that I could do too if you wanted me to help...
ALGIE: (more at ease/friendly)
Hey! That's really helpful of you - much appreciated... Any chance of a coffee, by the way...
YETI: (muddled)
Errr... Yeah... I... Suppose... Is that possible... Sorry! Sorry... I don't mean to be stupid - but we're talking about Skype here... If I make you a coffee here then how do I get it to you? Fax?
ALGIE: (cheerfully)
Ha! No! You're about twenty years too late... It's all emails these days!
YETI: (playing along and trying to change the subject slightly)
Ah yes... Of course it is... But surely... No... No... Never mind... So how do you see all this charitable business working exactly?
ALGIE: (in charge)
Ah... Don't you worry... I have a list of things...
YETI: (curious)
Things that we could do?
ALGIE: (quite commandingly)
Well... Not exactly... Things that you could do specifically... I have plans of my own - I'm sure you have your own ideas too that we can consider - I know you said that you wanted to help. That's right, isn't it?
YETI:
Oh yes! Yes... Sure! So if I do stuff this side of the pond - then what is it that you'll be doing where you are...
ALGIE: (vaguely)
Ah... Hmm... Well, you don't really need to know that... Not at the moment, at least - I don't want to confuse you... You look like the kind of yeti that could be easily confused... Am I right?
YETI: (slightly unsure)
Oh yes... Yes, I guess so... So what are your ideas specifically for me? Nothing dangerous, I hope!
ALGIE: (vaguely mocking)
Dangerous!? Well... No... I mean my first suggestion was a sponsored walk - so as long as you don't select a route along The Great Wall of China or anything...
YETI: (with humour)
I doubt it... I really don't think I'd be up to that... I'm not sure the wall would be up to it either...
ALGIE: (bluntly)
You're not THAT fat, surely!?!
YETI: (slightly offended)
I never mentioned my size, Cousin Algernon... I think it's a fact that you can't walk from one end of the wall to another... It's not accessible... It's just not...
ALGIE: (quite business-like, almost dismissive)
Whatever you say... So... First up... A sponsored walk...
YETI: (mutters)
Within reason...
ALGIE: (misunderstanding)
In a reasonable location, yes... Right...
YETI: (trying not to be rude)
Alright... And? What else? It's all pretty standard stuff, so far...
ALGIE: (slightly lost for ideas)
Can you tap dance?
YETI: (not sounding sure)
I can try...
ALGIE: (warming to the suggestion)
On actual taps? On an actual sink? That might be fun...
YETI: (really not sounding keen)
As I said just now - I can try if it is so required...
ALGIE: (enthusiastic)
What about giraffe surfing?
YETI: (concerned)
Is that even legal?
ALGIE: (trying to sound like he actually knows something about the subject)
It is if you're prepared to gargle custard on the top deck of a London bus at the same time...
YETI: (playful)
What do YOU know of London buses, may I ask? I'm the Londoner - not you...
ALGIE: (snooty)
I'm only telling you what I read on the internet...
YETI: (chuckling)
Oh! Well, they'll put anything on the internet these days... There are videos of me reading poems in another country on the internet... Who'd have thunk it thirty years ago...
ALGIE: (bossy-sounding)
No-one probably... Right! Okay... Well, I've emailed you your instructions - so go check it out and get our plans in action; it should all come together pretty quickly if we get our act together...
YETI: (enthused again)
Come together? Really? Gosh... Right... Whatever you say... And what is that you're going to do again?
ALGIE: (hurriedly)
I will exist! It'll work! Just you see! Look... Got to go... Busy! Busy! Busy! (the call is broken)
YETI: (muttering to himself)
Oh! Really!? Gosh... What an odd sort of fellow he is... Now then... Let me see this email... Sorry, listeners - I've just got to look at this for a moment - sorry to keep you...
THIS WILL PROBABLY GO INTO AN AB-LIBBED SCENE WITH PAUL AND YETI UNCLE JOHN DISCUSSING THE BIZARRE CONTENTS OF THE EMAIL!!
To be played towards the end of the episode...
YETI: (excitedly)
Hi listeners! I'm really quite tired today... I've spent the last few hours quite literally running around! I've done all manner of events for charity over the last week - raising money so Long Lost Cousin Algernon can come visit! The good news is that we've hit the target and I'm about to speak to him now to let him know that we've reached the goal and that he can finally come over and visit - we can finally meet!
(There is the Skype noise in the background and Mr Yeti's voice brightens) That'll be him now! Hello! Hello!?! Cousin Algernon! Hello! It's me - your cousin, Shy Yeti... How are you?
ALGIE: (sounding distracted)
Oh... Yes... Yes... I'm fine... How are you doing? You said you had something to tell me...
YETI: (over-enthusiastic)
I've raised you the money, Cousin Algernon! We've done it!?
ALGIE: (keen, but not too over-the-top)
Marvellous! I knew I could... We could, sorry... Apologies...
YETI: (supportively)
No! No! If it hadn't have been for your ideas and encouragement...
ALGIE: (vaguely apologetic)
Good point! No... No... That's fair! I'm only sorry that I couldn't have done more myself; but you know how it is!
YETI: (hopeful)
Err... I guess so... Have you booked your tickets yet?
ALGIE: (distracted)
Booked my what?
YETI: (helpful)
Your tickets... To come to London...
ALGIE: (suddenly catching on)
Oh... No... No, not yet... I'll do it tonight, I promise...
YETI: (becoming overly perky)
Well, just let me know your dates and I'll get the time off - this is going to be so exciting and hopefully all my blisters from the sponsored events I undertook will be healed up by then...
ALGIE: (quick to get away)
I'm sure they will... Look - I've gotta go... I'll be in touch... Just wanted to let you know that I got the money and I'm looking forward to buying those plane tickets... Thanks again for all your help...
YETI:
Oh... No trouble at all... Hey... By the way... I've been working out an itinerary for your trip... I'll mail it over so you can let me know if you want to change or alter anything...
ALGIE:
Okay... Sounds great... Gotta go...
YETI:
Oh! Oh... Yes... Okay... See you soon, Cousin Algernon... See you soon...
The line falls dead...
To be played after the end titles... Cousin Algernon leaves a message for Shy Yeti...
ALGIE: (upbeat)
Hi Yeti! It's me Cousin Algernon... How are you doing? Listen... Something's come up at work - things are a bit weird at the moment and I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to be able to get away to come over and visit you... Luckily I hadn't booked my tickets yet - but the money's there and safely banked - so as soon as I know when I can make this trip over to you then I'll be back in touch and I'll get something booked... Loved that itinerary thing that you emailed me - it all looks very good... Gotta go... Sorry about this... I'll call you again soon... Take care... Loving the podcast... You Brits... So silly,... Bye now!
The line falls dead...
BRIEF DIALOGUE 2
To be played after the end titles... Cousin Algernon leaves a message for an unknown caller - it might be Zap depending on when the episode is released - or it may be some other character; Other Dimensional Paul etc??
ALGIE: (more sly, somewhat suspicious)
Hey, it's me, Algernon... Yeah... Sure... Yes, I did what you said... No, I didn't speak to him - I just left a message... Yes... I was really upbeat... He'll never suspect a thing... Okay, yes... Yes, alright... I'll wait to hear from you... No... No... He has no idea... No idea at all... Come on, that Yeti is about as smart as a bag of rocks - it will never even occur to him... Okay... Okay, yes... Speak to you again soon... Goodbye now... Goodbye...
The line falls dead...
TO BE CONTINUED...
This script is copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.
