JAY THE HAUNTCUB - LINES FOR #300

LINES FOR HAUNTY – EPISODE 300…

* Scene breakdown…

·         Haunty is a bit late and apologises to Paul

·         Haunty and Dameus

·         Bettina and Haunty – before and down the aisle

·         Haunty outraged

·         Haunty furious, but calmer afterwards

·         Haunty worried that Bettina won’t take his call

Haunty is late and apologises to Paul

Haunty:

Sorry yeti – apologies – I thought I was going to be late! I’m not, am I?

Paul:

No! No! It’s fine… What happened? Traffic problems, I heard...

Haunty:

Well, partly, yes... But I had some trouble with Aragog - you know - my eight-legged child...

Paul:

Yes... Yes... Of course! Were you needed to help with urgent home-work or something? Being a dad can be very tiring, can't it? At least that's what Deeley tells me - he has three of us to look after!

Haunty:

He's not wrong... No... Originally Aragog was going to be the ring-bearer...

Paul:

Blimey! That would have been pretty ambitious; original too though!

Haunty:

Yes... That's what I thought; but it was not to be...

Paul:

Ah! What changed the plans exactly?

Haunty:

Aragog refused to travel by anything other than private jet and I just couldn't afford it...

Paul:

Fair enough; although it's understandable - hopefully we'll meet another time!

Haunty:

I do hope so... Come and visit... You really must!

Paul:

I'd love to! Love to! Hey! Time's getting on - you ought to go and get ready...

Haunty:

Sure... Sure... Is there somewhere I can go to change?

Paul:

Yes... Yes... Just down there... The door is marked - Gentlemen's Waiting Area... You may bump into Dameus - he's just having 40 winks before the ceremony... Just be careful not to make him jump - you know how nervous he gets...

Haunty:

Oh! Oh, okay... Sure... Thanks, yeti - see you in a moment... This is exciting! I'm getting nervous!

Paul:

Ha! Me too!

Haunty and Dameus

Haunty is heading to get changed for the ceremony and he bumps into Dameus in the corridor...

Haunty:

Hi, listeners - it's me... Haunty... I'm in a bit of a hurry to get ready but I had to just pause to say hello more directly to you... Dameus is meant to be around here somewhere, but I've not bumped into him yet... I'll just make my miraculous change in here - I shouldn't bother him... Anyway, it's been quite a busy day travelling here by rollercoaster - you wouldn't believe the delays I've had... Anyway... I'm really glad that I've made it - this really is going to be the wedding of the year... (there is a noise outside) Oh! What's that? Sorry, listeners - I'm just going to have a look outside... Hello? (we hear the door creak open) Hello!? Who is that?

Dameus:

It is me... Mr Dameus Of The Twinklehorns...

Haunty:

Dameus! Ha! You're funny! How are you doing? Sorry I'm running late... I'm just getting changed right this minute...

Dameus:

Of course... You are Jay The Hauntcub...

Haunty:

Err... Yeah! And you're Dameus Twinklehorn... Are you okay? Paul said you were napping...

Dameus:

I am fine, thank you, yes... I must be going... I need to be getting wedded...

Haunty:

Oh yes... Of course... Well, I'll be there in a minute... (hurriedly) Sorry, listeners - got to dash... See you later! Wish me luck! I need to get my tie straightened and THEN I need to find Miss Bettina Du Pres! She's going to have a very busy and important afternoon ahead of her!

Bettina and Haunty – before and down the aisle

Bettina tells Haunty that she is nervous...

Bettina:

Darling! I'm so glad you're able to be at my side... I'm ridiculously nervous, you know!

Haunty:

Oh, no... Bettina... Don't be nervous... This is your special day... You've been looking forward to it for months...

Bettina:

Yes... This is true, Jay dear...

Haunty:

Do you want me to fetch Aunt Tappie - I'm slightly surprised that you didn't want one last word with her before... well... you know...

Bettina:

No! No! Don't bother her, dear - I told her to sit at the front with Toppie - she's still quite tired after the journey over...

Haunty:

I guess so... Yes... So what CAN I do to reassure you?

Bettina:

Oh, Jay - you are a sweetheart... I don't think you can do anything... I don't think you need to - just get me down that aisle with a smile on my face and your job will be done...

Haunty:

Well, of course I will - but... I hate to ask this, but you're not having second thoughts are you?

Bettina:

Second thoughts? No... Honestly! No... Not even third or fourth thoughts... It's just that... well... I'm sure this isn't news to you Jay, but it's not my first time down the aisle, if you see what I mean... I can't help but be just a little cynical about the whole event...

Haunty:

I suppose... But this is different, surely - you and Dameus - you're good together, aren't you?

Bettina:

Better than husband number one, most certainly... Ha! Oh... Dameus and I have had our disagreements, sure - mostly about money - but yes... you're right - we are good together...

Haunty:

Well, I'm glad to hear you say that...

Bettina:

Yes... Well, the only trouble is - I'm pretty sure that I said much the same before I married Husband Number One...

Haunty:

Hmm... But this was years back, right?

Bettina:

Yes... Centuries ago... I'm joking; although we were both very young... well, younger...

Haunty:

So who was he? You've never really mentioned him before; not to me, at least... Does Paul know more?

Bettina:

No... I've never spoken to Paul about him... Not even to Tappie... To be perfectly honest, I daren't even say his name - there might be a mirror in the room; did you ever see the movie, Candyman?

Haunty:

Of course, but I'm not convinced that saying your ex's name is suddenly going to conjure him up...

Bettina:

Perhaps not, dear... Still... This IS The Shy Life Podcast...

Haunty:

Hmm... Anyway, now is not the time to be bringing up the past, right - I get it...

Bettina:

I'll tell you all about him one day... He was an American... I can't keep away from your country - I just can't; there's just something irresistible about the men... (she laughs)

Haunty:

Oh! Paul's giving us a sign from the main hall... Are you ready to go?

Bettina:

Oh Jay - is this really about to happen!? Hold me! Just for a moment - I mustn't cry - I'll spoil my make-up!

Haunty:

Sweetie, don't - I'll spoil mine if you start!

Bettina:

Ha! You daft thing, you... Come on... Enough of this - let's go... Best foot forward!

Haunty: (in agreement)

Best foot forward! You look a million dollars...

Bettina:

One million and one dollars... (she does her familiar laugh)

Jay laughs too and they head off down the aisle...

Bettina: (at a whisper)

Wow... So many people...

Haunty:

Isn't there just!? I presume you did actually invite them all...

Bettina: (playful)

Darling! I thought they were all with you!

Haunty: (joking)

No! Not with me; are we even in the right building!?!

Bettina:

Ha! Silly... Shut up and keep walking...

Haunty: (with mock respect)

Yes, marm... Will do...

Haunty outraged

Haunty is outraged by what has just occurred...

Haunty:

Yeti! What the hell is going on here? I don't understand...

Paul:

We're really not sure, Jay - but believe me - we're trying to find out...

Haunty:

Well, what can I do? Look at Bettina... She's just sitting there - she's in a world of her own... Is it safe to move her to another room - a quieter space?

Paul:

Umm... Ikk? What do you think?

Ikk:

Yes, I think so, Paul! Jay The Hauntcub - please can you take her back to the dressing room whilst we try and work out what's gone on... I thank you...

Haunty:

Of course! I swear, when I find out who's done this to Bettina I'm going to slap him in the face with a wet kipper...

Paul:

Careful, Jay... Whoever it is might enjoy that!

Ikk:

It may even be a woman! We simply don't know!

Haunty:

But what the hell happened to Dameus!?!

Paul:

I'm not sure; that's what we intend to find out... Please Jay - if you could just get Bettina out of here...

Haunty:

Absolutely yes... Yeti... If you need me I'll be consoling a living legend in the back of an expensive limousine in a wind-swept car-park somewhere in the Surrey Hills...

Paul:

Err yes... Of course...

Ikk:

Golly! He has a way with words that Jay The Hauntcub! I never knew he was quite so passionate!

Paul:

Check out some of those old episodes of LOTSL - when he gets going; you'll be surprised...

(return to adlib scenes)

Haunty furious, but calmer afterwards

Haunty is furious - but time has passed and he is calmer...

Paul:

Ah! Jay! There you are...

Haunty:

Sorry yeti... I couldn't find the limousine - so we ended up back here in the dressing room... What's going on?

Paul:

Well... It's all pretty complicated - but we're beginning to make some sense of it... Actually - no, that's a lie - we're not making much sense of it at all... Where's Bettina?

Haunty:

Just powdering her nose - she'll be back in a minute... Is there any news of Dameus?

Paul:

No... Nothing... He appears to have left the building...

Haunty:

Was he EVER actually here? I mean - I saw what I thought was him in the corridor before the ceremony and he was acting oddly then... But now it looks like it might have been this other guy - the shape-changer, I suppose...

Paul:

I'm pretty sure Dameus was really at the very start when we first arrived - I spoke to him; he was our normal Dameus... Only somewhere along the way - possibly when he headed off to have his nap - well, the imposter took his place...

Haunty:

But who IS that guy?

Paul:

We've no idea yet... I'm sure we'll find out... The Police are taking him down the Station for questioning... He seems pretty confused himself...

Haunty:

Well, if he's an actor he could just be acting confused!

Paul:

Good point... Hmm... What's keeping Bettina? She's very quiet in there...

Haunty:

She is a bit... Let me go check! (he goes away) OH MY GOODNESS! YETI!

Paul:

What!? What's happened now?

Haunty:

She's just grabbed her handbag and her suitcase and she's shot off down the fire escape!

Paul:

She's done WHAT!?!

Haunty:

Look... There she is! In the distance! Do you see her! BETTINA! WAIT! There she goes - across the car park... Should I go after her?

Paul:

No... No... There's no point - don't you see - she has a taxi waiting... I guess she wants out of here and who can blame her?

Haunty:

I suppose so... Perhaps we should give her an hour or two and then call her mobile?

Paul:

Yes, maybe... How did she seem when you spoke with her?

Haunty:

She didn't say much at all - but I didn't really expect her to...

Paul:

But not so much as a tear? A smutty comment? She didn't even try and goose you? Nothing?

Haunty:

Nothing! But then she had just gone through a complete calamity...

Paul:

Yes... Yes... I suppose so... I wonder...

Haunty:

What yeti? What are you thinking?

Paul:

I'm not sure... I need to go and do something... I'll see you back in the main hall in ten minutes...

Haunty:

Okay... I'll be waiting, yeti...

Haunty worried that Bettina won’t take his call

Haunty had tried to call Bettina but got no reply...

Paul:

Ah! Jay! There you are...

Haunty:

What's going on? Has there been any news?

Paul:

No... Nothing yet, I'm afraid... What about you?

Haunty:

I don't know if it was too soon - but I tried to call Bettina...

Paul:

And? What happened?

Haunty:

Nothing... Nothing at all - it just went through to answer machine...

Paul:

Hmm... Much as I expected... I think we'll have to wait until she wants to contact us...

Haunty:

Do you think she's going to be okay? I really think she'd turn to Tappie?

Paul:

Oh... Goodness knows... Those two are great friends - but they can also be rivals, at times; they can compete... I'm not sure Tappie is exactly Dameus's biggest fan, so maybe Bettina doesn't feel like sharing with her; perhaps she will later... I think Bettina just panicked and wanted to get away - there probably wasn't a lot of thought in it...

Haunty:

Poor Bettina... She didn't deserve this - not any of it...

Haunty: (this is a message on her answer machine)

Bettina! This is me! Jay The Hauntcub! Are you okay? Please call us to let us know where you are - to let us know that you're alright! Everyone is worried about you... If you need Tappie to be there with you she'll be there - or me, I can come and find you... Please just get in contact... We're worried about you... Okay? We're here to help you...

Brief Scene For Another Episode

Cousin Algernon Speaking With Bettina In The Hospital

Bettina:

Algernon! Darling! How ARE you? It's so wonderful of you to come to the hospital to help me out like this...

Algernon:

Bettina! Please - don't give it a second thought - it's my pleasure... I've told you before... Anything you need - you only have to ask...

Bettina:

Algernon... You're such a gentleman... Sometimes it's hard to even imagine that you're related to Paul; let alone that scallywag Yeti Uncle John - you have a class and style that simply eludes them...

Algernon:

Ah! Bless them... My long lost family! Of course I only vaguely even know them... (chuckles)

Bettina:

Aw! But they are your relatives - surely you want to get to know them better... And Paul - Shy Yeti - he has been in touch, I believe...

Algernon:

In passing, yes... Bettina, dear... I was teasing you; but I really don't know them very well - not yet, at least...

Bettina:

It seems incredible - but I suppose there are members of my own family who I would never even recognise should I happen to walk past them on the streets of Milan or Paris, say...

Algernon:

Paul and John are from very different parts of my family, of course - and then there is the distance...

Bettina:

Indeed... Still... You're here now... Had you arrived a moment or two later then you'd have met a couple of Paul's co-hosts - they were actually here - just popping in to say hello...

Algernon:

Ah! Yes... I did see two rather odd-looking fellows leaving as I arrived... One with very big hair and the other with a rather prominent nose...

Bettina:

Yes! Yes! That's them... I sent them on their way - I knew you were due to be arriving at any minute...

Algernon:

Of course, if you'd rather have gone home with them; I quite understand - we can call them back...

Bettina:

No! No! Not at all... I much prefer your company, Algie dear - as I said to you at the charity ball the other night... It's so nice to get some intelligent conversation that isn't all about hat stands, fruit bowls - or tea kettles!

Algernon:

My preferred range of conversation topics are somewhat broader than that... Well now! I haven't even asked; are you feeling better - when are they going to discharge you?

Bettina:

Imminently, darling! Turns out it was all a fuss about nothing! The x-rays confirm it! Just a bad sprain!

Algernon:

I'm glad to hear it! What WERE you doing up a ladder in the loft anyway!

Bettina:

Oh! It's a long story, darling... I'll tell you in the taxi on the way to Rules Restaurant...

Algernon:

Ah... It really is true what they say about you - you really do love to live in utter luxury...

Bettina:

Ha! My treat, Algie dear...

Algernon:

Oh! In THAT case... Bettina - it sounds terrific, but you really don't have to...

Bettina:

Oh, but I do... I need cheering up...

Algernon:

Well, if you say so... Who am I to argue? I hear that Rules Restaurant is absolutely marvellous...

Bettina:

Oh! It is, Algie... It really is! Ah... Here comes the doctor now... Just you watch me sweet talk him - he'll be signing the discharge papers quicker than you'll even have time to call for a taxi...

Algernon:

Ha! I don't doubt it for a moment... Let me just go and make that call...

Bettina:

Excellent! Doctor! How wonderful to see me... Don't worry... I won't charge you for my time... Now then... When do I get to leave your quaint little hospital... My dinner date for the evening is here to whisk me away - I'm sure you'll remember from experience quite how much I hate to let down my admirers...

(she laughs and the scene fades down)

Completed: 18/10/2019