THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - BROCANTE'S RETURN!!!

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR THATPETERG FOR A NEW EPISODE...

This script is between Shy Yeti (Paul) and infamous antiques dealer, Brocante who Paul had dealings with back in episode 100 when he was middle man between Bettina Du Pres and Aunt Tappie when a present or two was required. This time, however - Paul is calling for a quite different reason. These scenes will feature during another episode - as yet undecided, to be released early (ish) in 2018.

SCENE 1 (OF 3) - EARLY IN THE EPISODE

BROCANTE: (politely)

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY: (almost nervously at first)

Hello? I'm not sure if you'll remember me...

BROCANTE: 

Ah yes! Mister Shy Yeti from Old London Town... How nice of you to call...

SHY: (surprised)

Goodness! How did you know it was me!?

BROCANTE: (with regret)

I'm telepathic... Actually no... If you want the truth you're the only person who ever calls here - literally the phone hasn't rung since you called during episode 100...

SHY: (surprised)

Good grief, really? That's almost ??? episodes ago now!

BROCANTE: (moving on - trying to sound helpful)

I know... It's a shame, but true... I've learnt to live with it... Anyway, what can I do for you, Mr Yeti? Are you on the look out for another delightful antique bargain?

SHY: (uncertain)

Well... I am and I'm not...

BROCANTE: (curious)

Would you care to explain?

SHY: (politely)

Well, I'd love to hear of any bargains that you may have to offer - but I am also curious to know whether you also buy antiques - should I have something of interest to your business...

BROCANTE: (warming to the subject)

Well now... That certainly leaves me curious... As it happens I might be interested - depending on what it is that you have to sell...

SHY:

Ah, well - let's hear what YOU have to sell first... I'm curious now... Anything exciting?

BROCANTE:

Oh yes, sir... Plenty... Let me see... I should probably let you in on a few movers and shakers for the 2018 Spring catalogue... Do you think?

SHY: (enthusiastically)

Oh yes! Yes, please!

BROCANTE: (completely seriously)

I'm sure what your thoughts are re: neck-warmers for giraffes - because we have a lovely set of those in some rather unusual some-might-say unsavoury colours; dating back to the late 1990s...

SHY: (surprised)

My goodness! I take it they've been well-looked after...

BROCANTE: (attempting to do his best sales pitch for the item)

Most definitely... They've never been used - they were stitched by my niece, Wanda when she was abducted by aliens back in '93 and all they would let her do was knit scarves... and the odd hat...

SHY:

Oooh... My friend Brenda's really into hat-making - she's a whizz with a bobble...

BROCANTE:

It's a dying art - it really is... I do hope your friend wasn't also kidnapped by aliens...

SHY:

Oh... No... I don't think so, no...

BROCANTE:

I'm glad to hear it... Of course when Wanda returned from the stars she simply didn't have the heart to give them away, except that she needed the money to bail her husband out when the aliens came back again 15 years later... He was hopeless with the knitting and so in his case the space people simply demanded money to return him...

SHY:

Goodness! I was kidnapped by aliens a while ago now - it was the making of me though... No obtrusive probing and I met some lovely alien gentlemen who are now amongst my best friends...

BROCANTE:

Alas Wanda wasn't so lucky... Returning to our original topic of conversation - I can send you photos of the scarves if you think you'd be interested...

SHY:

Oh, I'm definitely interested... The only thing that concerns me is the colour of them - you described the colour as... unsavoury - that's a very odd way to describe something that you are trying to get someone to buy...

BROCANTE:

I guess so... Although I don't suppose you really ought to eat them - so in which case they ARE unsavoury... Alien wool comes from alien cows and alien cows are grumpy at the best of times - not to mention the odd things that they eat...

SHY: (not liking the sound of that)

Oh... Oh! I'm not sure I want to think about this too much... So what was the actual colour of the scarves again?

BROCANTE:

Red... A sort of... dried blood kind of colour...

SHY:

Oh...

BROCANTE:

It would go very well with your eyes, sir...

SHY:

My eyes are blue...

BROCANTE:

Exactly! Red and blue go very well together...

SHY:

And how much are you charging for these things?

BROCANTE:

I'll send you a quote and then you can call me back and let me know your thoughts...

SHY: (in agreement)

Alright... Do you still have my email address...

BROCANTE:

Yes, sir... Probably... Do consider my offer won't you - I'll keep them reserved for you - but do be aware that there is quite a waiting list...

SHY:

Really?

BROCANTE:

No, sir... That was just wishful thinking... Goodbye now...

SHY:

Oh...

THE PHONE FALLS SILENT AND SHY YETI IS LEFT WAITING FOR THIS QUOTE - HAVING RATHER FORGOTTEN WHY HE CALLED IN THE FIRST PLACE... 

SCENE 2 (OF 3) - MID-WAY THROUGH THE EPISODE

BROCANTE: (politely, kinda blah, blah, blah)

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY: (enthusiastically)

Hello? It's me, again - Shy Yeti... We've spoken before...

BROCANTE: (vaguely)

Really? Are you sure? No, you must be mistaken... I'm pretty sure I'd remember talking to a yeti; shy or otherwise!

SHY:

I'm the yeti from England... I bought the antique badger hats... You remembered me when I called before - earlier this episode; you were telling me about scarves for giraffes...

BROCANTE: (like.. no... who are you?)

Hmm... It's not ringing any bells...

SHY:

They were the colour of err... dried blood... The scarves, I mean - not the giraffes!

BROCANTE: (enlightened)

OOOOOH! The blood-red scarves for giraffes - why didn't you say so? Mr Yeti! Of course, it's you! No need to be so mysterious - it's most splendid to hear from you... How can I help you?

SHY:

Well, do you remember that you sent me a quote... For the scarves...

BROCANTE:

Ah, okay... Remind me... What did I quote you?

SHY:

Shakespeare... "To be or not to be..."

BROCANTE:

Oh! Yes! That's a good one, isn't it, sir!?! Everyone likes that one...

SHY:

Err... Yeah...

BROCANTE:

So, now - is there anything else I can help you with? Would you like another quote? Something from an old Audrey Hepburn movie, perhaps - or The Best Of Woody Allen...

SHY: (delicately)

That would be splendid... Thank you... Only I have something that I'd like to ask you first...

BROCANTE:

Of course, sir... Go ahead... I'm all ears...

SHY:

Aha! Well, I don't know if you know this - but I do a podcast...

BROCANTE:

I'm afraid I have no idea what a podcast is, sir - I don't even own a television set...

SHY:

It's like a radio show...

BROCANTE: (trying to sound as if he is beginning to know what is going on)

I vaguely know what you are referring to - and you are the keeper of your very own "radio pod-cast" are you?

SHY:

I am, yes - and on that show I have a cast of characters who help me out...

BROCANTE:

How odd, sir? Who are these... characters if I may be so curious...

SHY:

Oh, Yeti Uncle John - we're related... Ikk - he's an alien... Cromitty - he's a slightly erratic mad-ish professor... Bettina Du Pres - a socialite of uncertain means... Dameus Twinklehorn - an actor and eccentric... Charlie Grrr - a bear celebrity... There are others - but those are the main ones...

BROCANTE: (unsure)

I see... Fascinating, sir... But how does this concern me?

SHY:

Well... It's just... You know... I kind of wondered how much they might be WORTH...

BROCANTE:

I'm sorry? How much they might be worth WHERE, sir?!

SHY: (helpfully)

In your shop... I thought you might be able to value them - tell me how much you might be able to sell them for on the celebrity marketplace... I could maybe trade them in, perhaps - get myself a new cast for episode one hundred and fifty... You know... A new year - a new cast - a bit of spring-cleaning around the old show... Things like that...

BROCANTE:

Hmm... Yes, I see your point, sir... It makes sense; mix things up a little bit... Fresh blood and all that!

SHY:

So? Is it something that you can help me with, perhaps?

BROCANTE:

Hmm... I need to think about it... Believe it or not this wouldn't be the first time this had happened - that Ricky from The Foul Monkeys podcast sells off his co-stars on a regular basis and I've been able to give him quite a good price for them too - helps him to buy new material for the show...

SHY: (hopeful)

That's what I'd heard - SOOOOooooooo - I just wondered...

BROCANTE: (being helpful)

Listen... I'll call you back... Within the hour... I promise, you... Stay by the phone...

SHY: (enthused)

Oh! How exciting...

BROCANTE RINGS OFF LEAVING SHY HOLDING THE PHONE LOOKING ONE PART ENTHUSIASTIC - ONE PART CONFUSED... WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!?!

SCENE 3 (OF 3) RIGHT AT THE END OF THE EPISODE

BROCANTE: (politely, almost bored sounding)

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY: (trying not to sound too disappointed)

Hello! It's me again - Shy Yeti... We spoke earlier... You said you were going to call me back, but I never heard from you and now the episode is almost over - I wondered whether I might have missed your call!!

BROCANTE:

Shy WHO sir?

SHY: (grumpy)

SHY YETI! FROM LONDON! WE'VE DONE BUSINESS...

BROCANTE: (coy)

Oh, sir... I'm blushing...

SHY: (embarrassed)

No! No, not like that, silly... I bought the badger hats and we were speaking before about the possibility of me selling some of my regular cast members to you as antiques or somesuch...

BROCANTE: (enlightened)

OH! SHY yeti... Why didn't you say? Of course I remember you!

SHY: (relieved)

Thank goodness... I was beginning the think that I was talking to someone with the memory of a gold fish...

BROCANTE:

Not to my knowledge, sir...

SHY:

Oh, well... I'm glad... So... Had you thought about my suggestion? I emailed you some profiles of the regular cast who appears on my podcast in the hope that you could price them up... They're quite a mixed and interesting bunch - from a bear celebrity to a... mad scientist isn't a term that I like to use...

BROCANTE: (a little vague)

I do recall... Isn't one of them a cute little alien with a high squeaky voice?

SHY:

Yes... Yes... Lovely Ikk... To be honest he's the one that I'd be most reluctant to part with...

BROCANTE:

I can see why - but he's probably the one that other podcasters would be most keen to trade you for...

SHY: (catching on)

Ah! Trade, you say... Do you mean like how football clubs swap their players around...

BROCANTE:

Exactly that... To be honest I really don't think you'll get much for them as antiques - but on the other hand I'm pretty sure a talent agency would be keen to take them off your hands...

SHY:

Talent, you say? Oh... Yes... I suppose so... I never really thought of them in terms of actually having talent... I'm sorry... I've wasted your time, haven't I?

BROCANTE: (encouraging)

No... No.. Not at all... It just so happens - that as well as owning an antique shop I also RUN a talent agency - so I'm pretty sure that we can do business... However one of the criteria of doing a deal will be that you agree to take my useless man-servant Igor as a work experience student on your podcast...

SHY:

Oh... Well... Yes... Okay, then... No problem...

BROCANTE: (doing his best sales-pitch)

Don't worry... He's quite easy to look after... He sleeps on the ceiling and will keep your home free of spiders and other creepy-crawlies by kindly eating them all for you...

IGOR: (excitedly)

Me Igor! Me love spiders! Tasty! Tasty! Tell him about the bunny rabbits, master... I like their lovely ears...

BROCANTE: (distracted)

Shhh now, Igor... I'm trying to speak... So, Mr Yeti - what do you say? Is it a deal!?

SHY: (hopeful)

That sounds perfect... So you think we'll make some money from trying to trade my regulars on the open podcast-host market, then?

BROCANTE:

Oh yes... I'm pretty sure that you'll make at least ONE BILLION POUNDS... (he laughs stagely)

SHY:

Oooh 'eck! I like the sound of that...

SUDDENLY WE HEAR ANOTHER VOICE - IT IS YETI UNCLE JOHN...

YETI UNCLE JOHN: (irritatedly)

Oi! Yeti! Wake up! You're dreaming! You've a podcast to edit...

SHY: (sleepily)

Oh! What? Did I drop off...

YETI UNCLE JOHN:

You were mumbling something about the podcast, but I couldn't work out what you were talking about...

SHY:

Oh... Alright then... Sorry... Let me just get myself together and then I'll get on with the editing... I just need to make a quick phone call...

YETI UNCLE JOHN:

Alright... Well, don't take too long, will you?

SHY:

No! No... Of course not... (he thinks of minute and then mutters to himself as he dials a number) Hmm... That dream has given me an awesome idea...

BROCANTE: (politely)

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY:

Hello! Hello... It's ME, Shy Yeti! Do I have an deal for you... Now listen to this...

THE MUSIC SWELLS TO A PEAK AND THE EPISODE CONCLUDES...

This script was written between the 25th October and 28th November 2017, with further rewriting done up until 7th December 2017.

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - A COSY CHAT WITH DEADIEGRAMS!!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 
CATCHING WITH DEADIEGRAMS...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF TASTES LIKE BURNING...

Dear Tim,

This is probably going to be a dream sequence to be used in one of our episodes in late December...

I thank you.

Mr Yeti :)

YETI: (a little sleepy)

Hello, listeners - I've just been having a bit of a day dream... Those of you who have listened to the show for a while will remember all the lovely guests that I've had on the podcast but there's one who I spoke to in... well, rather odd circumstances... You may remember her...

FLASHBACK TO DEADIEGRAMS PREVIOUS APPEARANCE AND THEN RETURN TO NOW...

Do you recall? She was quite a presence... Sometimes when I think about future shows I imagine what it would be like if we met again in better circumstances - you know, for a cosy chat... I think it would be lovely... (his voice begins to echo) lovely... LOVELY... L-O-V-E-L-Y...

WE NOW ENTER MR YETI'S IMAGINATION - WE ARE LISTENING TO SOME KIND OF EXTRA FANCY VERSION OF THE PODCAST - MR YETI IS MORE ANIMATED THAN USUAL...

YETI: (very jolly)

Heeeeeey! Listeners.... How are you?

THERE IS APPLAUSE...

Lovely!

DEADIEGRAMS: (rather less enthusiastic)

Hello, trollface...

YETI: (correcting her, politely)

Shy Yeti...

DEADIEGRAMS: (still quite dismissive)

Whatever... This sofa's a little tatty - but I don't suppose in matters when you're 100% audio...

YETI: (still taking her comments with good humour)

Ha! You're not wrong, Deadiegrams...

DEADIEGRAMS: (slightly more friendly)

Call me D-grams... My people are trying to get me to rebrand - to be honest I'm not sure there's much point! Afterall you can't teach a dead dog new tricks...

YETI: (awkwardly)

Well, it's lovely to have you here, Deadie - I mean, D-grams... You're looking well, considering...

DEADIEGRAMS: (doing her best to show interest)

Charmed, I'm sure... I see you got back from the other-side - not many people manage that...

YETI: (enthusiastically)

Oh well, I met a nice statue who pointed me in the right direction of the bus station...

DEADIEGRAMS:

You should come back in the spring when the new plants start to grow...

YETI:

Ahhh... Daffodils?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Venice fly-traps... Deadly nightshade... Giant man-eating succulents...

YETI: (surprised)

Oh! How... unconventional... You should open your own garden centre...

DEADIEGRAMS: (bemused)

Why EVER would I want to do that? I have oceans of agony to advise on...

YETI: (still attempting to remain upbeat)

Of course... Which is exactly what I wanted to ask you about... In your long career what is it about your job that you love the most?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a chuckle)

Pay day, sweetie... That's what everybody says, surely...

YETI: (taken aback)

You get pay day? Even... now...

DEADIEGRAMS: (sounding quite impatient)

Why, of course - you don't think I do this job for free do you? Have you flipped?! No... I'm paid like anybody else... Sure, there's a little more ectoplasm on the notes than you'd normally find on the notes residing in your wallet - but I find it keeps the moths company...

YETI IS ABOUT TO ASK ANOTHER QUESTION WHEN THERE IS THE SOUND OF SUDDEN COUGHING AND YETI NOTICES THAT THEY ARE BEING OVERHEARD BY ONE OF HIS PODCAST REGULARS; YETI UNCLE JOHN. HOWEVER DEADIEGRAMS SEEMS QUITE TAKEN WITH HIS ARRIVAL...

(curious/positive) Well... Hello, dearie... Now WHO exactly are YOU!

YETI: (slightly less than enthusiastic)

Err... This is Yeti Uncle John... He's family...

DEADIEGRAMS: (confused)

I'm sorry, furface - is that a euphemism?

YETI: (snappily)

Err... No... Well, I'm not sure, actually - we don't really talk about stuff like that... I'm sorry, D-grams - I'll just find out what he wants... (turning away crossly) Yeti Uncle John! What do you want, exactly? I'm right in a middle of an interview with a very important guest...

JOHN: (grumpily)

Yes... Yes... We know that...

YETI: (mildly horrified)

WE!?!

JOHN: (irritated)

Yes! WE! US! The regulars! YOUR regulars - or had you forgotten us!?

YETI: (calming/playing vague/teasing)

Errr... Maybe slightly... You are kind of forgettable... (pause) I'm JOKING!

DEADIEGRAMS: (interrupting)

Oh, go on... Let them ask me questions... It could be fun... They might be cuter than you...

YETI: (lost for words)

I... I... I...

JOHN: (excitable)

See! She's keen! Let's chat, lady! It would be a pleasure! What's you're favourite flavour of ice cream?

DEADIEGRAMS: (leisurely, but like it's a positive thing)

Despair... with mainly just a hint of desperation...

JOHN: (enjoying the conversation)

Oooh... I think I know that taste... It's a bit rich for me - but I respect your choice there; pretty heavy duty! Okay... Next question - which do you prefer - being alive or being dead?

DEADIEGRAMS: (flamboyantly)

What a stupid question - being dead is far more fun... Of course it is!

JOHN: (curious)

Sure... I thought as much... But what are the best bits about being dead?

DEADIEGRAMS: (chuckles)

The long weekends...

JOHN: (sounding a little pleased with himself)

Cool... And my final question - which is your favourite Beatle?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Dung! Every time - no competition... I admire their work ethic... Is that it? (John mumbles in the affirmative) Well, good... (flirtily) Maybe I'll see you later for a little drinky...

JOHN: (nervously)

Oh... Err... I... Yes... Well, thank you, now... Oi, Ikk... It's your turn now...

IKK: (with enthusiasm)

Oooh! How exciting... Hello Deadiegrams - it's lovely to meet you...

DEADIEGRAMS: (surprised, an emotion she rarely experiences)

Wow! What the hell have you come as, sweetcheeks...

IKK: (pleased/excited)

Ha! I'm just here as myself...

DEADIEGRAMS: (relaxing)

Don't tell me... You're one of those alien-types, right?

IKK: (politely)

Yes, sir... Yes, sir, I am...

SHY YETI: (whispers)

Say yes, maam, Ikk - not sir...

DEADIEGRAMS: (laid back)

Sir, is just fine by me... I've always felt I had the authority of a sir...

IKK:

Absolutely, sir...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Go ahead little Martian fellow... What is your question?

IKK: (thinking about it very carefully before asking)

Where is the strangest place you have ever eaten Chinese food...

DEADIEGRAMS: (pondering)

Well, sweetcheeks - now that's a extremely good question!

IKK: (full of respect)

Thank you, your honour... So what would your answer be?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with certainty, having considered it)

Probably on the end of Blackpool Pier dressed in nothing more than a top hat and Christmas decorations - it was... oh... summer 1973 and I was mistaken for a glam rocker when actually I was simply on the way to a friend's wedding and had taken the wrong turning just off Spaghetti Junction...

IKK: (pleased)

That's a good answer, D-Grams... Was the food good or can't you remember?

DEADIEGRAMS: (enthusiastically)

It was absolutely fantabulous... The best I ever had...

IKK: (moving on)

Thank you... Cromitty is next if you're willing to answer another question or two...

DEADIEGRAMS: (encouraging)

Why, of COURSE!!! Do step up... Thank you for your question, Tricky Ikky... It brought back good memories...

IKK GIGGLES AND CROMITTY STEPS UP TO ASK THE NEXT QUESTION...

Ah now! You're a curious one... Cromitty, is it? C-R-O-M-I-T-T-Y...

CROMITTY: (respectful)

Yes, miss... Exactly that! Ever so pleased to meet you...

DEADIEGRAMS: (on the very edge of impatience)

And you have a question for me? What flavour question exactly?

CROMITTY: (sounding quite serious)

I have scientific leanings and so my queries are along those lines...

DEADIEGRAMS: (hurriedly)

Ask away...

CROMITTY:

What is your favourite Cuppa Soup?

DEADIEGRAMS: (calmly)

Regret... With extra croutons... And yours?

CROMITTY:

I am very partial to a mixture of belly button fluff and dust - inspired by recipes handed down in our family on my grandmother's side of the family.

DEADIEGRAMS: (not sounding too much like she means it)

Fascinating... You must share the recipe with me...

CROMITTY:

I will indeed... One more question if you've time...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Of course, honeylumps - as your first question was so brief...

CROMITTY:

What is your favourite variety of science?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Hmmm... That's a harder one... Maybe biology with just a smattering of chemistry... I can't be doing with Physics - so don't ask me... Afterall we all know that the world is flat and there is no such thing as gravity!

CROMITTY:

Why, of course... Thank you, dear lady... Dameus... Are you ready to ask your question?

DAMEUS: (trying not to sound too nervous)

I am... Very much so...

CROMITTY: (prompting)

Then ask away, good sir Twinklehorn...

DEADIEGRAMS: (curious)

Twinklehorn, you say? Not one of the Twinklehorn's of New Hampshire, by any chance?

DAMEUS:

Not myself, no - but I do have connections out that way, I believe...

DEADIEGRAMS: (almost affectionately)

How fascinating... I once had flirtations with a New Hampshire Twinklehorn - I daren't even guess how long ago now - but you definitely have the family nose...

DAMEUS:

So, I'm told, Madame... So I'm told...

DEADIEGRAMS:

So... What might your question be?

DAMEUS:

Well, I'm an actor you see - and I wondered whether you'd ever tried acting yourself at all?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a chuckle)

Every day, darling... With my husband! Need I say any more?

DAMEUS: (embarrassed)

Oh! Golly! Good gracious! No! I get your point!

DEADIEGRAMS:

Still... Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh... He has been dead for 173 years...  But then I'm not far behind him and I'm absolutely fine...

DAMEUS:

Fine... Absolutely perfect... Errr... Yes... Good grief! What IS his problem?

DEADIEGRAMS: (growing distant / vague)

Believe me! I've contemplated that endlessly over the years... Hmm... The more I look at you - the more you remind me of him... (Dameus gives a little gasp!) Okay! Okay... There's nothing more to see here - do I have any more questions?

YETI:

It depends... Our Beargrrrian chum, Charlie Grrr is here... Do you answer questions about pies?

WE HEAR CHARLIE MUTTERING AND GRUMBLING ABOUT "PIES... PIES... PIES..." IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT DEADIEGRAMS DOES NOT SOUND TOO IMPRESSED...

DEADIEGRAMS: (making herself quite clear)

NO questions about pies... If I can't eat them then WE can't discuss them... The last pie I tried to eat turned out to be made of ectoplasm - and believe me - that's no fun at all! So? Are we done?

BETTINA: (urgently, out of breath)

Darling! Darling! One million kisses! One million and one kisses! Do you have time for just one more? So sorry, I'm late...

DEADIEGRAMS: (patiently)

I've never been known to say no to "just one more..." Go on dearie... What are you asking?

BETTINA: (over-the-top)

Most grateful... My name's Bettina Du Pres...

DEADIEGRAMS: (almost excited)

Darling! I know that! Everyone knows you - even the dead!

BETTINA:

Oh... Honey! So kind... I'm so flattered...

DEADIEGRAMS: (trying to hide some of her excitement)

How can I help!? I'm such a fan... How very exciting the meet you... Shh now... I'm not meant to enthuse so - but I'd be most grateful to answer your question - although I feel I should be asking you one!

BETTINA: (lowering her voice as she confesses)

Then do, darling! Please do... Actually... I need your advice on men... I'm a part-time, poorly used agony aunt and yet sometimes that is the one thing I need from other people; a listening ear!

DEADIEGRAMS: (with empathy)

Men! Oh... Aren't they just dreadful creatures - I can assure you they're no better behaved dead than they are alive!

BETTINA: (sad)

Why aren't I even surprised?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Still... I'm not sure I can offer you advice, but I can share my experiences - we can swap notes, I'm sure!

BETTINA: (impressed)

Delightful! That would be absolutely perfect!

AS THE TWO BEGIN TO CHATTER SHY YETI COMES BACK INTO THE FRAME (AS IT WERE) - HE SOUNDS A LITTLE GRUMPY!

YETI: (quite put out)

I can't believe it! I've been side-lined in my own day-dream... Well, I guess the only way to get around this is to stop daydreaming! That will shut them up...

DEADIEGRAMS: (teasing)

You wanna believe it, sweet-cheeks...

BETTINA: (non-plussed)

Oh, ignore him, darling - he's just jealous...

PAUL: (disgruntled)

WELL, REALLY!!

THE DAYDREAM ENDS AT THIS POINT AND WE RETURN TO OUR NEW YEAR EPISODE...

This script is either for our last episode of 2017 or our first episode of 2018 and was written between 13th September and 6th October 2017, with additional rewrites done between the 9th and the 24th of October 2017.

THE CRYPTKEEPER - FOR THE SHY LIFE PODCAST HALLOWEEN SHOW!!

CRYPTKEEPER LINKS FOR MISTER TROBBELIDGE...

This script was written during late August and early September 2017 to be included as links for THE SHY LIFE PODCAST'S Halloween episode to go alongside pre-recorded scenes for this edition...

SCENE 1

To be played right at the start of the episode...

PAUL: (excitedly-introduction voice)

Hello and welcome to a very exciting edition of The Shy Life Podcast! This one has been waiting for you for a while now - we recorded it on location in April as we really wanted to be prepared. Also we wanted to be different and present to you with a Spring ghost story and...

CRYPTKEEPER: (yokel accent, attempting doom)

Note: Mr Trowby. Please adapt any lines to accommodate additional yokelisms.

Ooh ahh. Excuse me, sir! I'm sorry - but you can't record Halloween podcasts there!

PAUL: (disgruntled)

Really? Says who? You? Who have you come dressed as? A bargain budget grim reaper? My goodness - I've heard of austerity, but this is ridiculous...

CRYPTKEEPER: (somewhat sternly)

No... No... No... That is not the case at all - I'm not the Reaper; Grim is actually my cousin... Boy is that one a show off... Young whipper-snapper - flaunting his oopizootics and flashing his impressive blade about! I swear that one day he's going to have somebody's eye out with that thing!

PAUL: (mellowing slightly)

Good grief! It doesn't bear thinking about! So who are you, exactly?

CRYPTKEEPER: (proudly)

I'm the cryptkeeper, Dorset branch.

PAUL: (doubtful)

Really? You don't sound especially scary? Are you meant to be?

CRYPTKEEPER: (doing his best yokel Brian Blessed impression)

Don't try me, Madame... I say, don't try me... Run the title music!

PAUL: (initially put out and then resignedly, but in his radio voice)

Hey! That's my line... Oh, for goodness... Go on then... You heard the man! Run the title music! (mutters, impressed) Good grief, listeners... His eyes are actually quite hypnotic! Even on audio!!

The Title Music Plays...

SCENE 2

Before things get going...

PAUL: (still doing his confident podcasting voice)

So, there we go... That was the title music! Moving on now - we have a fear packed new episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST for you today... and... actually... that does sound a little off-putting when I say it like that... Really... It'll be very enjoyable - but because it's Halloween it'll also be a little scary too, maybe... Well, hopefully, I should say - but - you know - in a good way...

CRYPTKEEPER: (interrupting)

Hello! You do know that you can't do that here, don't you?

PAUL: (put out)

I beg your pardon!?

CRYPTKEEPER: (matter-of-fact)

You do know that you can't do that here - that there podcasting... You can't do it here... All I'm telling you is exactly what I told that last lot...

PAUL: (curious)

The last lot of what!?

CRYPTKEEPER:

Of podcasters... From them there Round The Archives podcast...

PAUL: (excitedly)

Oh, I know them... They're very good... I've been on that show, you know... I did the end theme tune...

CRYPTKEEPER: (mutters to self, but Shy overhears)

That explains a lot...

PAUL: (grumpily)

Hey! Don't be mean! Anyway - how come you get to say who stands here anyway...

CRYPTKEEPER: (forcefully)

It's MY crypt! So please - go on your way... I don't want to have to do to you what I did to your podcasting colleagues...

PAUL: (with concern)

Oh, blimey... What did you do?

CRYPTKEEPER: (sounding quite impressed by his own actions)

I don't want to go into it, but let's just say I had to open up a brand new box of rubber spiders and order extra squirty cobwebs once I was done...

PAUL: (quick to make an exit)

Good grief man! There's no need for talk like that! Alright... Alright... I'm going... I presume there must be another spooky graveyard somewhere around here... Come on listeners... Let's go... Moving on...

SCENE 3

This occurs somewhere near the middle of the episode...

PAUL: (doing his radio voice again)

Hello listeners... I hope you're enjoying our Halloween episode - it's terribly spooky, isn't it? We're going to pause for a bit of poetry now... Well, when I say a bit of poetry - don't worry - I am going to read a whole poem... I'm not going to suddenly tail off half-way through... Although I imagine one or two of you would rather that's exactly what I did! There really is no accounting for taste...

CRYPTKEEPER: (surprised)

HEY! YOU! What are you doing here again?

PAUL: (equally as surprised, but quite casual considering)

Oh! It's you again! The cryptkeeper with the... regional accent...

CRYPTKEEPER: (attempting to scare them)

That be me... I thought I told you to be on your way... Do you want me to dig out a pair of fake devil horns and a rather unconvincing plastic pitchfork to send the fear of the all hallows into you?

PAUL: (hurriedly, with concern)

No! No! Not at all... I'm sorry... I had no idea I'd wandered back into your crypt... I seem to be going round and around here... It's so hard to tell when you're working on audio...

CRYPTKEEPER: (disapprovingly)

Lack-lustre sound effects - that's your problem!

PAUL: (a little sombrely) 

I know! I know! We're just not up to the standard of some shows...

CRYPTKEEPER: (knowingly)

You're no Smellcast, that's for sure... You need to have a word with Toppie Smellie... He'll set you on the right road when comes to sound effects...

PAUL: (surprised)

You know Toppie!?!

CRYPTKEEPER: (casually)

Sure... We play bingo together... We have a fictional childhood together where we play all manner of card and board games...

PAUL: (upset)

You do... You what!?! I'm shocked... Oh! The Horror! The Horror! I thought I was the only one who he had a fictional childhood with... I'm devastated...

CRYPTKEEPER: (chuckling)

I'm only teasing, I was listening to one of your old episodes earlier... Now get out of here you bubble-headed boobie, you - before I set my pack of slightly grumpy chihuahuas on you and your rather meagre audience...

PAUL: (urgently, hurried, moving on...)

Ohhhhhhhhhhh,., Run listeners! Run! Here are some poems... 

SCENE 4

Just before the end...

PAUL: (radio voice)

So, that's about all we've got time for this episode... Oh... Just a minute... This place looks familiar... Oh, cor blimey... You'll never guess where we've ended up... 

CRYPTKEEPER: (non-plussed)

Back at my crypt...

PAUL: (embarrassed)

Sorry... Yes... It wasn't intentional... It's just such a lovely creepy location... All the other locations on this show are really low budget... Just mist with a random spot of howling or screaming thrown in... You've actually got gravestones here and some semblance of half-arsed spookiness...

CRYPTKEEPER: (mellowing)

So kind... Ah... Shucks... You do know how to flatter a fella, don't ya, yeti...

PAUL: (slightly awkwardly)

I only speak as I find... Anyway... I suppose we better be going...

CRYPTKEEPER: (now almost friendly)

Oh! Never mind... You're persistent! I admire that! How about a cup of tea and a slice of cake? Do you want to see around my crypt?

PAUL: (excitedly)

Oooh! It's the best offer that I've had all day... Can the audience come too!

CRYPTKEEPER: (overly pleased)

Why, of course! I'm always stocked up on tea bags... Come in! Come in! None of you are ticklish, are you? We have a poltergeist here called Barnaby who has wandering hands...

PAUL: (enthused)

Oooh! Sounds marvellous! Come on listeners... Let's run the end theme tune... 

SCENE 5

Right at the very end...

PAUL: (just talking quietly to the listeners)

Hello again listeners... How is your tea? Isn't he nice this cryptkeeper... I knew he wasn't as mean as he made out...

CRYPTKEEPER: (curious but kindly)

What are you saying about me, yeti?

PAUL: (happy)

Ooh! Nothing bad... Just how lovely it's been to have you on the show...

CRYPTKEEPER: (apologetically)

Oh... Well... I'm sorry we got off on the wrong fang...

PAUL: (with affection)

You're a bit of softy really aren't you... Despite your spooky look...

CRYPTKEEPER: (giggles)

Hehe... I am rather... But don't tell anyone, will you?

PAUL: (sincere, hopeful)

I won't... It's fine... What did you think of the episode? Was it scary enough?

CRYPTKEEPER: (blithely)

Oh! I wouldn't know... I don't listen to scary things - I live it - I don't want to hear it in my spare time!

PAUL: (surprised)

You never watch horror films? Not even at Halloween?

CRYPTKEEPER: (keen)

Oh no... It's romantic comedies and anything involving making sponge cakes for me... Do you ever discuss romantic comedies and sponge cakes on your show?

PAUL: (unsure)

Hmm... Not yet... I guess we could... Would you be willing to come back on the show?

CRYPTKEEPER: (dreamily)

I'd love to... You know what I've always wanted to do, yeti...

PAUL: (curious)

No... What?

CRYPTKEEPER: (excitedly)

Play Santa... I've always wanted to do it - the red suit - the beard - the ho,ho,hos - the works...

PAUL: (uncertain)

Really?

CRYPTKEEPER:

Too right! As I say, I'd be prepared to dress up...

PAUL: (resignedly)

Well, I'm sure that could arranged - not that your costume would be too much of a problem on a podcast!

CRYPTKEEPER:

Oh, but I'd HAVE to dress up - that's half the fun...

PAUL: (in agreement)

Alright then... Fantastic! That's a deal... I'm not much of a Christmas person...

CRYPTKEEPER:

Are you not? Oh! I love it...

PAUL:

I love the food, of course... Anyway, let's do it - I'll be in touch...

CRYPTKEEPER: (quite emotional)

Terrific! You've made an old cryptkeeper very happy...

PAUL: (taking control again)

Great! I'm glad. Well, we have to go now... Say goodbye to the listeners please, cryptkeeper...

CRYPTKEEPER: (politely)

You can call me Gordon...

PAUL:

Say goodbye to the listeners please, Gordon...

GORDON: (over-playing it)

Goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee listeners...

PAUL: (to audience, lowering voice)

He's really not scary at all once you get to know him...

GORDON: (distant)

What's he saying about me? I'm ever so spooky... Honest I am... (fade out as Paul laughs)

All contents of this post are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - EPISODE 100: THATPETERG

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR THATPETERG FOR EPISODE 100...

This script is between Shy Yeti (Paul) and an antiques dealer who Paul calls looking to buy a present for Aunt Tappie which Bettina Du Pres can give to Aunt T when they eventually meet... Paul has been tasked with arranging all these and the following scenes (1 longer and 2 shorter) detail his activities.

SCENE 1 (OF 3, LONGER)

BROCANTE:

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY:

Hello? I'm calling from London, England - I've heard very good things about your business...

BROCANTE: (with extra politeness)

That is most heartening, sir! How exactly can I be of help?

SHY: (nervously, cautiously)

Well,  I was hoping to speak with Mister Brocante? Is that you, perhaps?

BROCANTE: (jovially)

Indeed, sir - at least it certainly was when I woke up this morning - I presume that nothing has changed since then? Might I be of some assistance, sir?

SHY: (self-importantly)

Err... Yes... Yes... I do hope so... I'm looking for a gift... It's from one friend of mine for another friend of mine - I'm sort of the middle man, as it were... I'm just trying to get some ideas and a friend of mine, a Mister Smellie recommended you...

BROCANTE:

Of course! I know Mister Smellie... He's always in here... He and his Auntie love to come antique shopping here.. I think those two quite literally must eat antiques - anything antique and shaped like a hen and they're simply all over it!

SHY: 

Really... How lovely... Well, you see a friend of mine, Bettina - she's an agony aunt...

BROCANTE: (almost sarcastic, hard-to-tell, maybe just very dry)

Oh! Fabulous! Agony Aunt's are just the very best kind of Auntie's there is, aren't they?

SHY: (slightly muddled)

Errr... Absolutely! Well... You see, so Bettina is a friend of Auntie Tappie's - but they've not seen one another in years - they are due to meet soon, but Bettina wants to send Tappie a gift in advance... I'm sorry... You don't need to know any of this...

BROCANTE:

Not at all! It's fascinating... I'm sorry... May I ask? Are you an Australian gentleman? I note an international number...

SHY: (enthused)

Not Australian, no... I'm a bit of a fan of Australia though - but I'm actually English... I may have said before - I'm calling you now from London...

BROCANTE:

Oh, terrific! I've been to London - but not for years... I have family in Paris...

SHY:

Different country, of course - but geographically not so terribly far away... Anyway... As I was saying... If we can work out a good present for Tappie - then Mr Smellie has said that he will come and pick it up...

BROCANTE:

Marvellous! Well, as I actually know the customer then it'll probably help us make a selection...

SHY:

That would be good. So, do you have anything particular in mind? Sorry... I don't mean to rush you...

BROCANTE:

No trouble... Now, let me think... Well, now it does occur to me that have recently come into possession of a rather natty antique badger hat dating back to the early 1800s... Is that something that you might be interested in?

SHY: (unsure)

Errr... Maybe... I must say that do find badgers quite amusing!

BROCANTE: (mystified, in awe)

Amusing! AMUSING! Badgers are not to be laughed at, sir... Badgers are the mystic gurus of the animal world - they are to be worshipped - and adored...

SHY: (respectfully)

Fine! Yes... Whatever you say... I'm convinced... I didn't actually realise that badgers wore hats... Especially not back in the early 1800s...

BROCANTE: (quite sarcastic for a moment)

Well, what did you think they wore? Sea-shells?

SHY: (slightly fazed)

Errr... Umbrellas, maybe...

BROCANTE: (almost mocking)

Don't be ridiculous...

SHY: (defensive)

Sorry... To be honest I'm not sure if Aunt Tappie is particularly interested in badgers - partly because she isn't one nor is acquainted with one... At least I don't think she is... If you've got anything Poodle-themed then my podcasting colleague and show-biz friend Big Fatty might be interested; although that's quite a different matter...

BROCANTE: (slightly put out)

Well... No... I'm sorry... I have nothing of that nature - but I do promise to keep an eye out for you...

SHY:

Okay then... Well, moving on... What else do you have that I might be interested in... And before you say it - I already have an extra-terrestrial commode shaped like a question mark...

BROCANTE: (clearly not keen to speak on the subject)

Honestly! Hey, let's not go there... A couple of weeks ago my shop was full of the things...

SHY: (beginning to garble)

Well, I believe there was an alien gathering in the Finger-lake region... I can't even begin to tell you how I know that - but somewhere on another planet there's a statue of me on a hill-side that recites choice cuts from one of my favourite books of my own poetry...

BROCANTE: (not sounding like he really means it)

How enchanting...

SHY: (reflectively)

Yes... Yes... I suppose you could say so, in a way... I've never known quite whether to be flattered or offended - I'm told that it's sometimes used as an image to scare the alien children...

BROCANTE; (briskly)

Well, that seems fair enough to me, sir... You can't choose your audience...

SHY: (attempting to move the conversation on)

Well, anyway - so just to confirm - the whole extra-terrestrial commode idea is out before we even consider it...

BROCANTE: (thinking... dragging it out a bit)

Very good... Very good... Well now, let me think... What about Regency turnip-coloured bed-socks for otters?

SHY: (drily, slightly teasing)

All the rage, are they?

BROCANTE:

Back in the day, yes sir...

SHY: (slightly distracted / almost talking to self)

Regency... That's the 1800s again, isn't it? Hmm... Still, I'm not convinced... All these things are very practical - what about something nice that exists purely to be decorative - attractive... A centre-piece... Something feminine... This is for dear Aunt Tappie remember...

BROCANTE:

Does she do Haddock?

SHY: (caustically)

"Do them"? How does one do a haddock? Quickly before it swims away, I guess... DO THEM! Whatever do you mean?

BROCANTE: (returning to his earlier politeness mode)

Well, you see, I do have a range of rather nice pencil drawings...

SHY: (deliberately/disbelievingly)

Of Haddock?

BROCANTE: (matter-of-factly)

No... Of sheep - drawn by haddock...

SHY: (mutters to self)

Right! Of course, you do... You know what - I think I might just send her a nice big bouquet of flowers and big box of chocolates... It would definitely be easier...

BROCANTE: (helpfully)

I have both here if you're interested...

SHY:

What? Antique flowers? Antique chocolates?

BROCANTE:

Of course! Dating back to the late 1920s...

SHY: (quick to end the call)

Err... Sure... Right... Well, let me get back to you... Goodbye now... Thank you for calling...

SHY YETI HURRIEDLY BREAKS THE CALL... 

BROCANTE: (slightly put out, talking to self)

What a rather odd gentleman... It's a stronger man than most that turns down pencil-drawings of sheep drawn by an Haddock in an Elizabethan wig... Oh well! His loss...

THE NEXT SCENE IS BRIEFER AND WILL BE INCORPORATED INTO EPISODE 100 SEPARATELY - ABOUT 10-15 MINUTES IN... 

SCENE 2 (OF 3, SHORT)

MR YETI CALLS BACK TO THE ANTIQUE STORE SOME WHILE LATER...

BROCANTE:

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (Once again he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY:

Hello? Mister Brocante? It's Shy Yeti again... I called you earlier...

BROCANTE:

Which century?

SHY:

Which century, what?

BROCANTE: (matter-of-factly)

Which century did you call me from? 18th? 19th? 20th? 21st Century? I've worked here a long time - I can't remember every caller - but we do keep a detailed log book of all the calls that we've received - including a good number of the messages delivered to us by pigeon-mail...

SHY: (sound a little out of sorts)

I called right at the start of this episode - about ten minutes ago... I was looking for a present for Toppie Smellie's Aunt Tappie - but we weren't having much luck! Well, now it looks like I've run out of time - I need to get packed - I have a flight to catch and I need this present selected before I leave... In fact there's no time for Toppie to come and examine it - it'll have to be express delivered!

BROCANTE: (vague)

Oh... Really? I'm terribly sorry - this is all a bit of a blur... Remind me again... What were their names? Tony Smiley, you say - and his pet poodle, Tipsy?

SHY:

No! No! It's Toppie, not Tony - Toppie Smellie... Just a minute? You're kidding me, right?

BROCANTE: (politely)

I am sir... I do remember you... I couldn't resist teasing you though, sir... To be honest I was expecting you to call back - especially after all the many various exciting potential gifts that we discussed when you called before... Who could resist?

SHY: (relieved)

Well, thank goodness... You put my blood pressure right up for a minute there...

BROCANTE: (hopeful)

Was it the bed-socks for otters sir? Was that what caused you to call back? I believe we also have them in a sort of mustard colour...

SHY:

To be honest I'm still no closer to deciding what I want to buy - so I'm just going to get the lot...

BROCANTE: (surprised)

Get the lot? What? ALL of it? Why, I don't understand, sir...

SHY:

The otter socks... The antique chocolates... The Haddock-drawn sheep portraits... The badger hat... Even the alien pooping receptacle... It's not as if I'm paying... Send the bill to Bettina Du Pres at the following address and to heck with the cost...

BROCANTE:

Err... Sir... Are you sure? *makes tapping noises* All those items come to slightly more than one million dollars...

SHY:

No problem at all? She can afford it... I recently learnt that she has shares in The Garden Gnome-ing Industry...

BROCANTE: (excitedly)

Well, if you absolutely sure, sir...

SHY: (decidedly)

Oh, yes... I am... Please, gift-wrap them and send them to Aunt Tappie and sign it With Love From Bettina Du Pres...

BROCANTE:

No problem, sir... I will get my assistant Igor, Junior onto it immediately... It will be our pleasure...

SHY: (warming to the idea, pleased)

Thank you! THANK YOU! She's going to love this! LOVE IT, I TELL YOU... *gibbers a bit, giggling to himself* I HAVE TO GO NOW! I HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH! I HAVE TO GO!!

BROCANTE:

Sir? Sir?! Are you okay? Hello? HELLO!? Good grief... Those Brits... Talk about eccentrics! They're all plain weird! (shouts) Igor! Bring the wrapping paper - no, the expensive range - the mice nibbled the cheap stuff... Presumably it's cheap but tastier... Oh, and tell the haddock that we need more sheep drawings - and make sure the paint is dry before we dispatch them this time... Oh, and tell the grand-mother otters that we need them to knit some more bed-socks too... HURRY IGOR! HURRY! HURRY!

WE HEAR IGOR, JUNIOR MAKING NOISES IN THE BACKGROUND... SHY YETI CAN STILL BE HEARD GIGGLING - THE WHOLE SCENE FADES DOWN...

HERE IS ONE FINAL BRIEF SCENE TO BE PLAYED AFTER THE END THEME MUSIC...

SCENE 3 (OF 3, SHORT)

MR BROCANTE IS BUSY IN THE SHOP WITH HIS ASSISTANT, IGOR, JUNIOR...

BROCANTE:

Igor, Junior... We have more customers looking for the antique otter bed-socks... Do you have another box or two hanging around somewhere...

IGOR: (eager to please)

Yes, Master... Yes...

BROCANTE: (impatiently)

Well, hurry then... Go - fetch it...

JUST THEN THE PHONE RINGS - IT IS SHY YETI...

BROCANTE:

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (yet again he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY:

Hello? Mister Brocante? It's Shy Yeti again... I just wondered if you could help me...

BROCANTE:

Why certainly sir... But if you were calling to query our returns policy, then I'm sorry - but it expired just minutes before you called...

SHY:

Oh no... We don't want to return anything... Aunt Tappie was thrilled with her gifts... Admittedly Bettina Du Pres hasn't yet seen the bill - but she's loaded and her boyfriend, Nathan is even more loaded I believe, at least I heard her say he was well-endowed...

BROCANTE: (trying to remain polite)

Excellent, sir... Then how can I help?

SHY:

I wanted to buy some antiques for myself... Do you ship to the UK?

BROCANTE:

Why, of course, sir... What sort of thing were you looking for? We have storks especially trained...

SHY: 

Oh... Ah! You're kidding again... Okay! Sure... As for what I am looking for - I'm still unsure... Do you have anything exciting that you think might be of interest to a first time investor... Anything from a couple of centuries back in a nice bright shade of pink...

BROCANTE: (helpfully)

Errr... The badger hats that we shipped to Aunt Tappie come in pink... We still have half-a-dozen boxes of those - or you might like to experiment with something slightly more exotic... We have Aztec toe-warmers, just in... They've got a bit of a pong - but nothing you can't get rid of if you bung them in the washing machine on a hot wash. We have actual live ant-eaters in the shop modelling them - should you want to check out our web-cam... They do nip - but you should be safe on the other side of the screen...

SHY:

Oh marvellous! Marvellous... This all sounds jolly good... I do hope it's awfully expensive...

BROCANTE:

Of course... We'll make sure it is - we can always add some gold braid... Might I ask, is somebody else paying?

SHY: (chuckling)

It's funny you say that... Bettina wants to buy me a thank you gift for arranging this whole reunion with Aunt Tappie - I can't say it's been terribly successful, but I still intend to take her up on the offer... This whole business has been a complete nightmare to organise! Even my grey hairs have grey hairs! Go on...What else do you have...

BROCANTE: (fading out)

Well we did just get an actual genuine Egyptian Pyramid in just the other week - they come in pairs - all ancient and curse-free, in case you wondered - so no worries there... I think they always look mighty fine on a mantel-piece if you have the space...

SHY YETI OOH AND AAHS AND THE SCENE FADES OUT AND THE EPISODE CONCLUDES...

This script was written during April 2017.

A SCRIPT FOR TIM - THE DEADIEGRAMS EPISODE OF THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - THE AFTER-LIFE...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF TASTES LIKE BURNING...

Dear Tim,

SOME OF THIS EPISODE IS ALREADY RECORDED - YOU MAY STICK TO THE SCRIPT OR AD-LIB, I WILL NOT RECORD MY SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION UNTIL I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR WORDS AND THEN I'LL REACT WITH THOSE... CONSIDER THIS A GUIDE SCRIPT ONLY... ONLY CERTAIN SECTIONS OF THESE EPISODES HAVE BEEN SCRIPTED - BUT YOUR SECTION OF THE STORY BEGINS AS FOLLOWS... 

I THANK YOU...

Mr Yeti :)

THIS FIRST PIECE IS BASICALLY THE CLIFFHANGER FOR THE FIRST EPISODE...

Paul (Shy Yeti) is lost somewhere on "the other side" having gotten on the wrong bus from work... He is disorientated and hears a strange ghostly noise and is walking closer to it...

YETI:

Hello? Hello? Who's that? Hello... I'm looking for help... I'm lost...

VOICE: (DEADIEGRAMS)

They all say that, sweet cheeks... I know your sort... You're just after my valuables...

YETI:

Err... I'm really not.. I just want to find the way out... 

VOICE:

Yeah, yeah... They all say that one too... What happened? Did you sell your soul and now you're regretting it?

YETI:

No! No... That's not what happened at all! I literally rushed to catch a bus and... well... it really wasn't the bus that I thought it was going to be...

VOICE:

Bad move... Jumping on buses without checking on their destination first...

YETI:

I know what you mean... Although I somehow doubt that the bus would have had TO THE OTHER SIDE on the front of the bus...

VOICE:

You make a good point, sonny... It probably just said HELL...

YETI:

This isn't HELL, is it? Come on... Hell doesn't even exist...

VOICE:

You've clearly never been to Miami in a heatwave...

YETI:

Well no, I'm from London... I've been to Vegas and that was pretty hot... Now, listen... I recognise your voice... I'm pretty sure I do...

VOICE:

It's possible, I suppose... After all, I do occasionally share my wisdom with the peoples of the internet...

YETI:

Do you podcast?

VOICE:

I believe that is what it is called... I also tweet...

YETI:

Blimey... That's not bad for a disembodied voice... No offence meant or anything...

VOICE:

None taken, furry chops...

YETI:

Just a minute! I just clicked...

VOICE:

That'll be your hip - or your back... It's the curse of middle age...

YETI:

Nothing like that! No, I've just remembered which podcast you're on! TASTES LIKE BURNING! With Tim and James and James and Tim...

VOICE:

No need to repeat yourself - I heard you the first time...

YETI:

Oh, I'm sorry... I have some friends - well, they're not around at the moment - they're aliens... Funny little fellas - they were great fans of that show... And of James and Tim... That's how they spoke... (does a quick impression, but it's not very good...)

VOICE:

Well now, I must admit that this is beginning to sound familiar...

YETI:

You're Deadiegrams, aren't you? THE deadiegrams!!!!

DEADIEGRAMS:

Errr... I might be... What's it worth to you?

YETI:

Oh... I'm not sure it's worth a great deal - it only means that we have kind of met... Perhaps you can point me in the right direction for getting home... Do you know where the bus stop home might be?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Buses? No... Never use them, sonny... People wee on the seats - you can catch things off them... Sure, I know I'm dead - but it's best to be careful... There are worse things than death you know... STDs for a start... Did you know dead people can still catch STDs? Only there are no ghostly doctors - so you just have to put up with it...

YETI:

NO GHOSTLY DOCTORS? But what about the ghosts of doctors who used to be alive...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Never happens... 

YETI:

What do you mean it never happens - it must do... Doctors aren't eternal! Listen... Did you just make that all up - what you just said then...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Might have done... I like to spice things up now and again and you did interrupt my afternoon nap what with all that shouting you were doing out in the ghostly mists and all...

YETI:

Now you're telling me that ghosts take naps? Is that a lie too?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Spot on... You're a quick one, sonny - and no mistake.... What was that you were saying about us meeting before... Did I haunt you once or something? Don't you come here asking for your money back!

YETI:

No... No... No... It's just I think I may have tweeted you and your answered my question on the TASTES LIKE BURNING show...

NOTE: AT THIS POINT WE HEAR A FLASHBACK OF EXACTLY THIS - TAKEN FROM THE EPISODE THAT WAS ACTUALLY RECORDED - I HAVE SAVED THE EXACT CLIP ALREADY...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Oh yes... Yes... That tolls a bell now you mention it, sonny...

YETI:

You were very helpful... It was nice of you to reply... Thank you...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Why, of course sonny - it was my pleasure - and my job... Gets my picture in the Spectral News now and again...

YETI:

There really is only one more thing that you could do for me, dear lady - if you would be so kind - and that is simply to point me in the direction of the bus stop... I only want to get home...

DEADIEGRAMS: (evil chuckling)

That's all you wish to know, is it? Is it, really? Well, I'm afraid it's just not going to be that easy... You see - now you're here there is simply no undoing it...

YETI:

I don't understand... Surely those buses must go back and forth...

DEADIEGRAMS:

It's none of your business whether they do or whether they don't - I am afraid it is against the rules... You are here now and here you will stay... There is no going back... No return to sender... NO! NO! NO! You can never go home - you are here forever, young man! Do you hear me? FOREVER! FOREVER! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

HER VOICE ECHOES AND WE HEAR SHY YETI PROTESTING IN DISBELIEF... THIS IS THE END OF THE FIRST OF THE TWO EPISODES - THERE MAY BE SOME KIND OF ANNOUNCER SUMMING IT ALL UP - BUT I'LL SEE ABOUT THAT LATER...

THIS IS FOR THE SECOND EPISODE - THERE WILL BE A RECAP AND THEN THE ADVENTURE WILL CONTINUE...

SHY YETI:

ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I hear you... No need to be QUITE so dramatic! If I was a less charitable and suspicious minded person then I'd almost guess that you enjoyed imparting people such bad news...

DEADIEGRAMS:

It is kind of fun... You should try it sometime...

SHY YETI:

Maybe I will... Hmm... Let me see... I think it's my turn... Hey! Deadiegrams - I just received a phonecall - it was from the launderette...They're terribly sorry - but they accidentally washed your colours with those brand new white sheets that you'd only just brought... I believe they've all gone a rather sickly shade of pink!

DEADIEGRAMS:

As bad news goes it hardly rates especially highly...

SHY YETI:

But they were new sheets - dead expensive...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Well, I'm dead too - so they're in good company... And I LIKE pink!

SHY YETI:

Oh, you spoil-sport, you...  Well, if I'm going to be stuck here then I ought to be allowed to ask a question...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Go ahead... Ask away!

SHY YETI:

Well, I was just wondering - do you have a proper christian name? Like Joyce or Suzanna or Muriel? I mean, were you once somebody's actual grandma?

DEADIEGRAMS:

That would be telling... It's not something I choose to share with anyone... I like to preserve my anonymity...

SHY YETI:

Well, I know you do... For your public... But now I'm here I feel sure that we're going to end up as very good - very close friends - buddies even... Bridge partners... Dinner party chums... I predict that pretty soon we'll end up having weekends away... I mean, as I've nowhere else to live we might as well start co-habiting immediately... I'm a very loyal friend Dee... Don't think you'll get rid of me... Ha!

DEADIEGRAMS: (to herself)

Well now, I don't like the sound of that - not one bit... He just won't stop talking! What a one-man walking mouth on legs! No wonder he's a podcaster - I guess talking is what they're best at... This one must be at it 24-7! Maybe I ought to give him directions out of here, after all... At very least I'll send him somewhere a long, long way from me... I shall send him towards the spooky tree - maybe the zombies will get him - that should keep him quiet for awhile...

SHY YETI:

I'm sorry... Were you speaking to me?

DEADIEGRAMS:

No... No... Just mulling over some ideas...

SHY YETI: (to the listeners)

Hello listeners... I'm hoping if I talk enough I'll drive her so crazy that she'll help send me home... Do you think that I'm in with a chance?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Excuse me... Yeti... Were you saying something before about needing to get home...

SHY YETI:

Oh... Well... It's not necessary - not now we've met up - I was hoping that you might be up for reading my fortune... I have bunions... You can read fortunes by examining bunions, can't you? Or is it hemorrhoids - I'm not sure if I have those or not, but you're welcome to check...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Errr... Thank you... No... I'm terribly sorry... But I am just on my way out of here - an old poltergeist friend of mine is having a birthday and as much as I'd like to take you along it's a strictly invite only do...

SHY YETI:

That's okay - I could wait here for you...

DEADIEGRAMS:

I really don't think you'd like it - it can be very cold around here and these birthday parties can last decades; literally decades... I'm sure your listeners will be missing you back in London...

SHY YETI:

Oh, I doubt it... At any rate - I'm still recording...

DEADIEGRAMS:

That's all very well, but where will you edit your material? No... No... You need to take all your recordings home with you - back to lovely London Town... You know what I'd recommend... If you follow that pathway over there - through the scary forest - past the creepy tree and alongside the spooky church; you'll find the bus station waiting there ahead of you...

SHY YETI:

The scary forest, you say? Can't you show me the way? I'm not sure that I fancy going that way by myself...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Just whistle... You'll be fine... (mutters) Right! I'm out of here - before he starts talking any more... Byyyyyyeeeee, darling! Lovely meeting you in person!

SHY YETI: (distracted)

WHISTLE!?! WHISTLE!?! Now that doesn't seem like it's going to be of much good... Hello!? Oh... Hello... Where she's gone to? Oh, blimey... Through the scary forest did she say? Well, I suppose I have no options... What should I whistle... Umm... *whistles the theme tune to Space 1999 season 2 - it's okay, it's a very vague in-joke, if it even counts as a joke!*

This script extract was written between Thursday 9th and Thursday 16th February 2017...