THE SHY LIFE PODCAST -
ANOTHER CRYPTKEEPER SCRIPT
A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TROWBY AND LISA...
Hello!
I hope you like the new script!
Paul :)
P.S. Additional scenes inbetween those that are scripted are for poems and Sutton Park clips - also usual starting links and discussions about what has been occuring in the script.
SCENE ONE:
Yeti: (brightly)
Hello listeners! I'm catching up with a friend of the show today... Gordon! You remember Gordon, right? Yeah... Well, I don't like to say that he's fallen on hard times - but... well... he's found himself forced into considering a career change and I'm not sure that it's working out for him! As I say, I expect you remember him - He used to be a crypt-keeper - all sinister hooded robes and the biggest scythe you've ever seen; I'm amazed that health and safety never said anything... Still - I really want to help him... I've had a word with an old friend who runs an employment agency and I'm about to have a chat with Gordon himself right about now; come on - come with me and listen in... It's okay...
I hope you like the new script!
Paul :)
P.S. Additional scenes inbetween those that are scripted are for poems and Sutton Park clips - also usual starting links and discussions about what has been occuring in the script.
SCENE ONE:
Yeti: (brightly)
Hello listeners! I'm catching up with a friend of the show today... Gordon! You remember Gordon, right? Yeah... Well, I don't like to say that he's fallen on hard times - but... well... he's found himself forced into considering a career change and I'm not sure that it's working out for him! As I say, I expect you remember him - He used to be a crypt-keeper - all sinister hooded robes and the biggest scythe you've ever seen; I'm amazed that health and safety never said anything... Still - I really want to help him... I've had a word with an old friend who runs an employment agency and I'm about to have a chat with Gordon himself right about now; come on - come with me and listen in... It's okay...
Gordon: (jovially)
Howdy, yeti! How are you doing?
Yeti: (concerned)
Good! Good... I'm more worried about you, though... How ever did you lose your job?
Gordon: (with sadness)
Oh... I was out-sourced, yeti... I've been replaced - probably by a robot...
Yeti:
Not Cuthbert, I trust?
Gordon: (quick to correct him)
Oh no... Cuthbert would never have allowed it - he's quite the gentleman...
Yeti: (approving)
Isn't he just; you're not wrong... So, what happened? No more crypt-keepers? Don't people die any more?
Gordon: (sounding a bit judge-y)
They do - but apparently it's too triggering for Millennials; they don't like to think about it...
Yeti: (trying to be helpful)
Poor them... I mean, I admit it's a little bit scary you wearing that cloak and everything - perhaps it's just an image thing; couldn't you maybe brighten up the whole cryptkeeper act somehow?
Gordon: (slightly taken-a-back)
I wouldn't call it an act exactly...
Yeti: (apologetically)
Sorry... You know what I mean...
Gordon: (with regret)
I do, but anyway - it's not up to me... The job is gone... Kaput. Nothing.
Yeti: (outraged)
Gosh. Well, that's shocking. SHOCKING, I say... Well, it does no good to fret about things - it doesn't help you pay the bills now, does it? What does Dolly say about it all? Is she still your boss or your agent or - I've completely forgotten what her job title even was...
Gordon: (brightly)
Ah... Well... That's convenient because, actually, so have I...
Yeti: (curious)
But does she still - represent you - for want of a better phrase...
Gordon: (somewhat vaguely)
It's all in the air, I'm afraid - or should I say SHE IS...
Yeti: (confused)
I'm not sure I get you... Dolly's in the air? Is she on a plane somewhere?
Gordon:
I think it's a phoenix... Either a phoenix or a carpet... She's visiting family... She's been gone for several weeks though and there doesn't seem to be any way of contacting her!
Yeti:
You can't phone? Email? Send a fax or even a carrier pigeon?
Gordon:
Apparently not, yeti...
Yeti:
Well, this is appalling and partly why I've shown up! To help you out!
Gordon:
I'm grateful yeti - I really am... I know you're very busy recording and editing podcasts...
Yeti:
That I am; but never too busy to help!
Gordon:
You're a saint, yeti - an absolute saint...
Yeti:
Sure... Sure... So... If you're not going to be a cryptkeeper any more have you had any thoughts about what you might like to do instead?
Gordon:
I'm grateful yeti - I really am... I know you're very busy recording and editing podcasts...
Yeti:
That I am; but never too busy to help!
Gordon:
You're a saint, yeti - an absolute saint...
Yeti:
Sure... Sure... So... If you're not going to be a cryptkeeper any more have you had any thoughts about what you might like to do instead?
Gordon:
Well... Not really... My mother always wanted me to be a hairdresser - but I used to have nightmares about the loose little bits of hair going up my nose; that and for safety's sake I won't go anywhere near anything more hazardous than a pair of safety scissors which sadly aren't any use when you're trying to give someone one of those new-fangled bee-hive hairdos...
Yeti:
Well, yes - quite; all quite reasonable concerns. Would you still be interested in hairdressing, do you think?
Gordon:
Probably not! Mother sort of scared me out of the idea - so much so that I think I developed a phobia!
Yeti:
I hear you on that one - after all - us yeti are known for our over-furriness... I don't really approve of de-fur-estation...
Gordon:
I get that - and it really does suits you and all of your yeti-kind...
Yeti:
Well obviously, I think so, yes - but sadly not everyone agrees...
Gordon:
Haters gonna hate, yeti...
Yeti:
Aren't they just... Anyway... Let's get our thinking caps on and get some ideas for your new career!
Gordon:
Well, I'm very grateful - I hope you realise that, yeti... What are your suggestions?
Yeti: (sounding slightly unsure)
Well, I did wonder if you could possibly make it as either a clown or a children's party entertainer; only maybe you'd have to wear a different costume - is this something that you're prepared to do?
Gordon:
Dump the hoody, do you mean?
Yeti:
Well, yes... I think you'd need to dress appropriately for the job...
Gordon: (nervously)
I'm really not sure about it, you know - I'm so used to hiding under my hood! To be honest, yeti - how do they say it now - oh yes, I've got a face for radio...
Yeti: (with encouragement)
Bless... I don't agree - but I'll take your concerns into consideration... Maybe you'd like to work at some kind of factory where you'd need to wear a protective suit!
Gordon:
I guess it's an option - although it's not something that I'd really thought that much about, I must admit! I guess it would solve one or two of my issues though - or should I say other people's issues that they might have about me!
Yeti:
Yes, indeed - well said... Anyway - I have a number of ideas for you - but rather than just talk about it - I think it makes sense to take you out and about for a walk... We're going to visit some friends of mine who have agreed to consider you for employment; or at least give you some ideas for potential places to work...
Gordon: (very pleased)
Really!?! Well, that's very kind of you, Mr Yeti...
Yeti: (encouraging)
Come along, Gordon... Let's see what we can do to help...
SCENE TWO:
Paul:
Hello listeners... We're down in the laboratory - where Cromitty and Martin keep all the archives for the show... Cromitty thought that it would actually be quite a nice idea to do some... err... well, we can't pay him, you see - so this would be a sort of experiment; unpaid work experience, if you like - to see if he'd enjoy this kind of work... Listen in - Cromitty is just showing him the ropes...
Cromitty:
Hello, Gordon... So nice to meet you...
Gordon:
Very pleased to meet you too, Cromitty... sir...
Cromitty:
It's fine... We are very casual here - you may call me by my christian name...
Martin:
It's Susan, in case you didn't know...
Gordon:
Oh... I don't think I knew that, no...
Cromitty:
Don't listen to him Gordon... My colleague, Martin, here - enjoys a prank... Shh, please - Martin - I'm just trying to help introduce Gordon to the laboratory...
Gordon:
A trickster, aye... I used to live next door to a poltergeist who was the biggest trickster that you ever did meet...
Cromitty:
My goodness... What kind of things did he do?
Gordon:
Jumped out on old ladies - whispered alarming rumours in the ears of small school children...
Martin:
That doesn't sound very nice...
Gordon:
I know - I agree... I said to him once - I said to him... Henry... Why don't you turn your pranks on people who deserve teasing - bad people - selfish people - bullies...
Martin:
And did he?
Gordon:
I'm afraid he didn't no...
Martin:
Did you have him exorcised?
Gordon:
No... But I did send a TV crew around his house to make a ghostly TV reality show and one way or another that kept him busy. The last thing I heard he'd hooked up with the ghost of a former 60s "It Girl" and they were releasing a single... It do believe it got to number one... somewhere!
Cromitty:
Hmm... I'm not sure what lessons we are supposed to have learnt from a story such as that...
Martin:
You're sending mixed messages by rewarding those who treat people poorly.
Gordon:
You're probably right - but what can I say - it happened... Experience is a great teacher...
Cromitty:
Anyway... we have things for you to do... First you'll need to move some papers from that work bench and then you'll have some space...
Gordon:
Very well... You do have a lot of clutter down here, don't you? I'm surprised!
Cromitty: (somewhat indignantly)
Ah! It is a sign of an active mind, I'll have you know!
Gordon:
Yes! Yes! Of course... (we hear noises as he begins shuffling stuff around) Oh... Dear...
Cromitty:
What's going on over there?
Gordon: (awkwardly)
I'm awfully sorry... But I just picked up a pile of your papers and they blackened like ash and disintegrated...
Cromitty:
Good grief! Oh dear... That isn't meant to happen!
Gordon: (sounding awkwardly busy, as if unconcerned)
Oh well! I'm sure it's nothing to worry about... Would you like me to help arrange the old Sutton Park tapes next?
Cromitty:
Err... No... No... Hold on there, Gordon - we may have to rethink this...
Gordon: (confused/surprised)
Oh... Alright...
THERE IS SOME MUSIC AND THEN WE HERE PAUL AND GORDON SPEAKING...
Paul: (delicately)
Oh dear, Gordon... I'm ever-so sorry that little plan didn't work out... It's not really your fault; it's just the way things are...
Gordon: (apologetically)
I think it's probably just a side-effect of being a crypt-keeper all these years... Can't be helped, I suppose - I do it without trying! It's just the way I am!
Paul:
Even the slightest touch of your... hand... appears to turn any paper to dust...
Gordon:
Cromitty was concerned that I might have the same effect on those old Sutton Park episodes; that would be unfortunate!
Paul:
Yes, indeed! We simply can't risk that! They truly are much too valuable to be lost in such a way...
Gordon:
So I'm told, yeti... Apologies for being such a problem...
Paul: (supportively)
No... No... Don't worry your hooded little head about it... No matter! We have another idea...
Gordon:
Another job?
Paul:
Yes! Yes... Another job... It involves working outside too!
Gordon: (with slight uncertainty)
On a building site?
Paul:
Close but no... It would involve working in a cottage garden!
Gordon:
Oh my! How exciting!
Paul: (calmly)
Hello listeners... We're at Bettina's house - actually we're in her private garden at her house; as you know she's not very often here any more as she and Dameus are always so busy working and travelling... But, as you know - well - things have been very complicated for her since Dameus went missing at their wedding late last year... Bettina is currently back in Britain - although we've only seen her fleetingly as she's very busy with her charity work - anyway... she's keen to get the garden back into shape as Spring approaches... Gordon, have you ever met Bettina before?
Gordon:
Alas, no - but, of course, I've heard her and... Dameus on the little show on many occasions...
Paul:
Well, of course! You've probably seen Bettina in one or two films, as well - but maybe not realised it was her...
Gordon:
True! From the sounds of it I could well have seen Dameus too and not have been aware it was him... Doesn't he specialise in playing tea-kettles and hat-stands?
Paul:
He does indeed - and it wouldn't surprise me if you had seen him... Those definitely are two of the types of roles that he's best at - although he has been known to take other parts; he played a forest at least once and... I think I'm right in saying... the year 1964...
Gordon: (sounding impressed)
A very talented man; it's hard to do something like that and make it convincing...
Paul:
He is... I agree - and yet he's so very modest about his talents; daftly so! I do wish we knew what had happened to him... He's much missed...
Gordon:
It's quite a mystery from the sounds of it...
Paul:
It is - but it's probably best if we don't discuss him whilst Bettina is around - it's rather an unresolved matter right at the moment; it's still very raw experience for her...
Gordon: (sounding understanding)
Of course... Yes... Yes... Most upsetting...
Paul:
He must be out there somewhere... It baffles me... Oh well... Moving swiftly on...
Gordon: (concerned)
Mr Yeti, Sir - I just want to say one thing before I go plunging on into that lovely garden of Bettina's - I'm concerned that's all - that I might cause some... err... floral tragedy, if you get my meaning...
Paul: (delicately)
Ah! Ah yes... I do... After what almost happened down in the Sutton Park archive, right?
Gordon:
Yes... That's it... From what I can ascertain my deathly aura very nearly eroded precious footage of the Sutton Park gang chasing evil haggis about on Pepperbox Hill back in about 1997 or somesuch...
Paul:
Yes... Yes... It was a close thing - but we got to those tapes in good time... All we lost in the end was some footage of my brother playing football in the mid-90s and with the bestest intentions I'm not sure anybody is going to miss that... Sorry, Graham... You should have looked after your own tapes! It's a lesson learnt; just because you have a librarian in the family; people always take liberties!
Gordon: (surprised)
Mr Yeti! You can be so mean, sometimes...
Paul: (unusually blunt)
Well, you know - if it's not all about me then I quickly lose interest; it's the curse of podcasting, I'm afraid!
Gordon:
I guess so... So what's to stop me making these flowers wither and die?
Paul: (almost proudly)
These Gordon... These will...
Gordon: (with excitement)
A pair of gloves!
Paul:
A special pair of gardening gloves, yes - fine for a spot of weeding and pruning but alas not something that you would really be able to use when handling old video tapes...
Gordon:
Never mind - as you say - perfect for the job in hand... Shall I try them on?
Paul: (encouraging)
Please do! Please do!
Gordon: (with pleasure)
Oooh... Oh! Hmmm... Nice! These are snug! I like them, yeti - they're comfortable! Just right for the changeable and occasionally inclement autumn weather...
Paul: (relieved)
Good! Good! The flowers should be safe...
Gordon: (pondering)
I suppose I could have just used my... talents... but on the weeds...
Paul:
Well, maybe - but better safe than sorry... Come along... Let me introduce you to Bettina... I still can't remember if you've met before... Maybe at the Christmas social one year...
Gordon: (sounding slightly uncomfortable)
Ah well! I may have blanked it out... Nothing against Miss Du Pres, only Christmas can be quite problematic for me sometimes... Still, there's no need to go into that now...
Paul: (distracted)
Yes... Yes... Bettina! Bettina! Are you free for a moment...
Bettina: (her usual exuberant self)
Hello Paul, dear... Yes! Yes! Do hurry over! I'm here by the Begonias...
Paul:
Ah yes! Yes, I see you... Come along, Gordon... Bettina... I can't remember if you two have met...
Bettina:
Darling! Gordon, isn't it? How wonderful! Oh, I do love your cloak - very swishy; just the thing for this autumnal weather!
Gordon: (extra politely)
Oh yes, your madameness... You're not wrong there!
Paul:
Gordon, I explained to Bettina about some of your recent problems and she's very keen to help you back on your feet...
Bettina:
Yes, dear - very keen... I can't believe they made you redundant like that - very disrespectful...
Gordon:
Oh well... You know how it is... You just can't depend on a job for life any more - even if you are dealing with the dead...
Bettina: (disapproving)
Well, yes... It would appear that everyone aims to be immortal these days; the internet has a lot to answer for!
Paul: (sympathetic)
You're not wrong... Anyway, thanks for this Bettina... I think I know what you want Gordon to focus on today... I'll show him if you'd like...
Bettina:
Absolutely... We'll catch up later, darling... Thank you so much, Gordon... (Gordon mumbles in reply)
Paul:
Come this way, Gordon...
Gordon:
I must say - it's very nice to get the chance to work outside for a change...
Paul:
Yes... Yes... I know what you mean... I'm mostly inside working in the library - occasionally I get out for podcast recordings, but a lot of that is based inside too...
Gordon:
Well, I think I'm ready to begin! Show me the flowers that you'd like me to tend to!
Paul: (thoughtful)
Well, these roses are in desperate need for a bit of a tidying up - a few wilting leaves - some dead heading and as you say - some weeds down in the bed...
Gordon:
Oooh! Goodo! Golly... Isn't the smell lovely - quite strong... Almost a little pungent... (he breathes in)
Paul: (with growing concern)
Maybe you should wear a mask... You're not sensitive to pollen at all, are you?
Gordon: (loudly sneezing)
ATTTTISSSSSHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Paul: (trying not to sound too disappointed)
Oh... Goodness... I guess that's my answer!
Gordon: (apologetically)
Oh gosh... I think I may have killed all the roses by sneezing on them... I'm awfully sorry, yeti...
Paul: (awkwardly)
Oh, Gordon! Ah... Well, never mind... We'll buy some fake flowers - Bettina need never know...
Paul: (jovial)
Hello listeners... Well, as you can see - finding Gordon a new job was a lot harder than one would have imagined... I assure you that I did do my best - but we kept encountering hiccups... We're coming across the same or associated problems whatever jobs he goes for... I guess the trouble is that Gordon has simply never had a traditional job - so it's awfully hard... He did do an afternoon in a launderette that I would have told you more about, only that it all ended up very similarly to what almost happened in the archives and what unfortunately did occur in Bettina's garden... Let's just say that all my clothes now have holes in - the ones that didn't completely fall apart, I mean...
I do have good news though... Extremely good news - Gordon has managed to get his old job back; have a listen to this - he sent me a little message just this morning!
Gordon: (equally as jolly)
Hello yeti! By now you've probably already heard my good news! Yes! I'm back in employment again - back where I belong in my old job! I had a long chat with my line-manager and I was able to ascertain why exactly it was that I'd been let go! Apparently I was considered to be a little too jolly for my position - a post that is considered to be really rather serious. Obviously I understand this and support it - but I also think that there is room for a little joviality, even in my profession. Anyway - at that moment management wasn't happy with me and so they let me go - only it turned out that my successor (who was quite the opposite to me) was a problem all of her own making! In fact, she made everyone she encountered cry and that only ends up being extremely unworkable in the long run!
(he lowers his voice)
You might actually recognise my brief replacement, Miss Tilly...
Tilly: (played by Lisa who is actually Dolly in disguise)
Oi! Don't you go looking all miserable... You might be dead but there's no excuse for being unhelpful... Carry on like that and there will be no dinner for you tonight... Just think on... Think on!
Gordon: (almost whispering)
Do you recognise her? Her name's not really Tilly... It's my good friend, Dolly! I think you met her last time you came to visit, Mr Yeti...
Dolly: (pleased with herself)
It seemed only fair to give Gordon a little bit of help - those stupid bosses of his don't appreciate how much work her puts in; my little plan seems to have done the job...
Gordon: (grateful)
Thank you, Dolly - you're a diamond - you really are!
Dolly: (hopeful)
My pleasure, Gordon... Now where's that cream doughnut you promised me by way of a thank you!?
Gordon:
Ah... Yes... I did promise... Better make a move, yeti - Dolly deserves a little TLC! Goodbye now and thank you for all your help!
Paul:
Well, listeners... There you go! That's about all we've got time for... (go into usual ending spiel)
SCENE FIVE:
One of the after the titles chats - maybe the second of the two - the first can just be the regulars commenting on what they thought of the show in general...
Ikk: (enthusiastically)
Well, Paul - that was a good episode - it was so nice to have Gordon back on the show - we've not heard from in ages... I must say that I was a little worried to begin with that things were going to end badly for him - so I'm pleased that it was a happy ending...
Paul: (also jolly)
Yes! Yes! Absolutely... Oh... Look... Here he comes now... Gordon!
Gordon: (mildly concerned)
Hello! I just wanted to say goodbye to the listeners - did I miss them?
Ikk: (encouraging)
No! No! Gordon... There is still time!
Gordon: (innocently)
Oh good... I got distracted chasing some young hoodlums from weeing on a gravestone - I got my chopper out and that scared them off; they'd not seen one that big before...
Ikk:
Oh yes... Didn't you just get it sharpened too?
Gordon:
I did, yes... Dolly said that it needed a polish too - so I got it all seen to at the same time...
Paul:
Okay... Well, we really must say goodbye now...
Gordon: (delicately)
Ikk... I know that this is probably a bit cheeky, but would you ever consider taking me up into space sometime?
Ikk: (apologetically)
I'd love to dearheart - only I'd be slightly worried that you might dissolve your own space-suit - or mine for that matter. We'd have to look into it very carefully...
Paul: (with concern)
Oh blimey! That's a good point. Poor Gordon... There must be something that you wouldn't turn to dust!
Gordon: (hopeful)
Perhaps someone could invent a space suit actually made from dust in the first place - it might be the answer...
Ikk: (intrigued)
Gordon! You could be right... I'll speak to Cromitty and Cuthbert and we'll see what we can do...
Gordon: (enthused)
Marvellous! Marvellous...
Paul:
Okay guys... We've got to go - say goodbye to the listeners... Thanks for all your help this time, Gordon! Hopefully we'll record with you and Dolly again soon!
Gordon:
I do hope so! Well, goodbye now listeners...
Ikk:
Goodbye listeners! See you soon!
Paul:
Bye now - take care out there, won't you?
Gordon:
Probably not! Mother sort of scared me out of the idea - so much so that I think I developed a phobia!
Yeti:
I hear you on that one - after all - us yeti are known for our over-furriness... I don't really approve of de-fur-estation...
Gordon:
I get that - and it really does suits you and all of your yeti-kind...
Yeti:
Well obviously, I think so, yes - but sadly not everyone agrees...
Gordon:
Haters gonna hate, yeti...
Yeti:
Aren't they just... Anyway... Let's get our thinking caps on and get some ideas for your new career!
Gordon:
Well, I'm very grateful - I hope you realise that, yeti... What are your suggestions?
Yeti: (sounding slightly unsure)
Well, I did wonder if you could possibly make it as either a clown or a children's party entertainer; only maybe you'd have to wear a different costume - is this something that you're prepared to do?
Gordon:
Dump the hoody, do you mean?
Yeti:
Well, yes... I think you'd need to dress appropriately for the job...
Gordon: (nervously)
I'm really not sure about it, you know - I'm so used to hiding under my hood! To be honest, yeti - how do they say it now - oh yes, I've got a face for radio...
Yeti: (with encouragement)
Bless... I don't agree - but I'll take your concerns into consideration... Maybe you'd like to work at some kind of factory where you'd need to wear a protective suit!
Gordon:
I guess it's an option - although it's not something that I'd really thought that much about, I must admit! I guess it would solve one or two of my issues though - or should I say other people's issues that they might have about me!
Yeti:
Yes, indeed - well said... Anyway - I have a number of ideas for you - but rather than just talk about it - I think it makes sense to take you out and about for a walk... We're going to visit some friends of mine who have agreed to consider you for employment; or at least give you some ideas for potential places to work...
Gordon: (very pleased)
Really!?! Well, that's very kind of you, Mr Yeti...
Yeti: (encouraging)
Come along, Gordon... Let's see what we can do to help...
SCENE TWO:
Paul:
Hello listeners... We're down in the laboratory - where Cromitty and Martin keep all the archives for the show... Cromitty thought that it would actually be quite a nice idea to do some... err... well, we can't pay him, you see - so this would be a sort of experiment; unpaid work experience, if you like - to see if he'd enjoy this kind of work... Listen in - Cromitty is just showing him the ropes...
Cromitty:
Hello, Gordon... So nice to meet you...
Gordon:
Very pleased to meet you too, Cromitty... sir...
Cromitty:
It's fine... We are very casual here - you may call me by my christian name...
Martin:
It's Susan, in case you didn't know...
Gordon:
Oh... I don't think I knew that, no...
Cromitty:
Don't listen to him Gordon... My colleague, Martin, here - enjoys a prank... Shh, please - Martin - I'm just trying to help introduce Gordon to the laboratory...
Gordon:
A trickster, aye... I used to live next door to a poltergeist who was the biggest trickster that you ever did meet...
Cromitty:
My goodness... What kind of things did he do?
Gordon:
Jumped out on old ladies - whispered alarming rumours in the ears of small school children...
Martin:
That doesn't sound very nice...
Gordon:
I know - I agree... I said to him once - I said to him... Henry... Why don't you turn your pranks on people who deserve teasing - bad people - selfish people - bullies...
Martin:
And did he?
Gordon:
I'm afraid he didn't no...
Martin:
Did you have him exorcised?
Gordon:
No... But I did send a TV crew around his house to make a ghostly TV reality show and one way or another that kept him busy. The last thing I heard he'd hooked up with the ghost of a former 60s "It Girl" and they were releasing a single... It do believe it got to number one... somewhere!
Cromitty:
Hmm... I'm not sure what lessons we are supposed to have learnt from a story such as that...
Martin:
You're sending mixed messages by rewarding those who treat people poorly.
Gordon:
You're probably right - but what can I say - it happened... Experience is a great teacher...
Cromitty:
Anyway... we have things for you to do... First you'll need to move some papers from that work bench and then you'll have some space...
Gordon:
Very well... You do have a lot of clutter down here, don't you? I'm surprised!
Cromitty: (somewhat indignantly)
Ah! It is a sign of an active mind, I'll have you know!
Gordon:
Yes! Yes! Of course... (we hear noises as he begins shuffling stuff around) Oh... Dear...
Cromitty:
What's going on over there?
Gordon: (awkwardly)
I'm awfully sorry... But I just picked up a pile of your papers and they blackened like ash and disintegrated...
Cromitty:
Good grief! Oh dear... That isn't meant to happen!
Gordon: (sounding awkwardly busy, as if unconcerned)
Oh well! I'm sure it's nothing to worry about... Would you like me to help arrange the old Sutton Park tapes next?
Cromitty:
Err... No... No... Hold on there, Gordon - we may have to rethink this...
Gordon: (confused/surprised)
Oh... Alright...
THERE IS SOME MUSIC AND THEN WE HERE PAUL AND GORDON SPEAKING...
Paul: (delicately)
Oh dear, Gordon... I'm ever-so sorry that little plan didn't work out... It's not really your fault; it's just the way things are...
Gordon: (apologetically)
I think it's probably just a side-effect of being a crypt-keeper all these years... Can't be helped, I suppose - I do it without trying! It's just the way I am!
Paul:
Even the slightest touch of your... hand... appears to turn any paper to dust...
Gordon:
Cromitty was concerned that I might have the same effect on those old Sutton Park episodes; that would be unfortunate!
Paul:
Yes, indeed! We simply can't risk that! They truly are much too valuable to be lost in such a way...
Gordon:
So I'm told, yeti... Apologies for being such a problem...
Paul: (supportively)
No... No... Don't worry your hooded little head about it... No matter! We have another idea...
Gordon:
Another job?
Paul:
Yes! Yes... Another job... It involves working outside too!
Gordon: (with slight uncertainty)
On a building site?
Paul:
Close but no... It would involve working in a cottage garden!
Gordon:
Oh my! How exciting!
SCENE THREE:
Paul: (calmly)
Hello listeners... We're at Bettina's house - actually we're in her private garden at her house; as you know she's not very often here any more as she and Dameus are always so busy working and travelling... But, as you know - well - things have been very complicated for her since Dameus went missing at their wedding late last year... Bettina is currently back in Britain - although we've only seen her fleetingly as she's very busy with her charity work - anyway... she's keen to get the garden back into shape as Spring approaches... Gordon, have you ever met Bettina before?
Gordon:
Alas, no - but, of course, I've heard her and... Dameus on the little show on many occasions...
Paul:
Well, of course! You've probably seen Bettina in one or two films, as well - but maybe not realised it was her...
Gordon:
True! From the sounds of it I could well have seen Dameus too and not have been aware it was him... Doesn't he specialise in playing tea-kettles and hat-stands?
Paul:
He does indeed - and it wouldn't surprise me if you had seen him... Those definitely are two of the types of roles that he's best at - although he has been known to take other parts; he played a forest at least once and... I think I'm right in saying... the year 1964...
Gordon: (sounding impressed)
A very talented man; it's hard to do something like that and make it convincing...
Paul:
He is... I agree - and yet he's so very modest about his talents; daftly so! I do wish we knew what had happened to him... He's much missed...
Gordon:
It's quite a mystery from the sounds of it...
Paul:
It is - but it's probably best if we don't discuss him whilst Bettina is around - it's rather an unresolved matter right at the moment; it's still very raw experience for her...
Gordon: (sounding understanding)
Of course... Yes... Yes... Most upsetting...
Paul:
He must be out there somewhere... It baffles me... Oh well... Moving swiftly on...
Gordon: (concerned)
Mr Yeti, Sir - I just want to say one thing before I go plunging on into that lovely garden of Bettina's - I'm concerned that's all - that I might cause some... err... floral tragedy, if you get my meaning...
Paul: (delicately)
Ah! Ah yes... I do... After what almost happened down in the Sutton Park archive, right?
Gordon:
Yes... That's it... From what I can ascertain my deathly aura very nearly eroded precious footage of the Sutton Park gang chasing evil haggis about on Pepperbox Hill back in about 1997 or somesuch...
Paul:
Yes... Yes... It was a close thing - but we got to those tapes in good time... All we lost in the end was some footage of my brother playing football in the mid-90s and with the bestest intentions I'm not sure anybody is going to miss that... Sorry, Graham... You should have looked after your own tapes! It's a lesson learnt; just because you have a librarian in the family; people always take liberties!
Gordon: (surprised)
Mr Yeti! You can be so mean, sometimes...
Paul: (unusually blunt)
Well, you know - if it's not all about me then I quickly lose interest; it's the curse of podcasting, I'm afraid!
Gordon:
I guess so... So what's to stop me making these flowers wither and die?
Paul: (almost proudly)
These Gordon... These will...
Gordon: (with excitement)
A pair of gloves!
Paul:
A special pair of gardening gloves, yes - fine for a spot of weeding and pruning but alas not something that you would really be able to use when handling old video tapes...
Gordon:
Never mind - as you say - perfect for the job in hand... Shall I try them on?
Paul: (encouraging)
Please do! Please do!
Gordon: (with pleasure)
Oooh... Oh! Hmmm... Nice! These are snug! I like them, yeti - they're comfortable! Just right for the changeable and occasionally inclement autumn weather...
Paul: (relieved)
Good! Good! The flowers should be safe...
Gordon: (pondering)
I suppose I could have just used my... talents... but on the weeds...
Paul:
Well, maybe - but better safe than sorry... Come along... Let me introduce you to Bettina... I still can't remember if you've met before... Maybe at the Christmas social one year...
Gordon: (sounding slightly uncomfortable)
Ah well! I may have blanked it out... Nothing against Miss Du Pres, only Christmas can be quite problematic for me sometimes... Still, there's no need to go into that now...
Paul: (distracted)
Yes... Yes... Bettina! Bettina! Are you free for a moment...
Bettina: (her usual exuberant self)
Hello Paul, dear... Yes! Yes! Do hurry over! I'm here by the Begonias...
Paul:
Ah yes! Yes, I see you... Come along, Gordon... Bettina... I can't remember if you two have met...
Bettina:
Darling! Gordon, isn't it? How wonderful! Oh, I do love your cloak - very swishy; just the thing for this autumnal weather!
Gordon: (extra politely)
Oh yes, your madameness... You're not wrong there!
Paul:
Gordon, I explained to Bettina about some of your recent problems and she's very keen to help you back on your feet...
Bettina:
Yes, dear - very keen... I can't believe they made you redundant like that - very disrespectful...
Gordon:
Oh well... You know how it is... You just can't depend on a job for life any more - even if you are dealing with the dead...
Bettina: (disapproving)
Well, yes... It would appear that everyone aims to be immortal these days; the internet has a lot to answer for!
Paul: (sympathetic)
You're not wrong... Anyway, thanks for this Bettina... I think I know what you want Gordon to focus on today... I'll show him if you'd like...
Bettina:
Absolutely... We'll catch up later, darling... Thank you so much, Gordon... (Gordon mumbles in reply)
Paul:
Come this way, Gordon...
Gordon:
I must say - it's very nice to get the chance to work outside for a change...
Paul:
Yes... Yes... I know what you mean... I'm mostly inside working in the library - occasionally I get out for podcast recordings, but a lot of that is based inside too...
Gordon:
Well, I think I'm ready to begin! Show me the flowers that you'd like me to tend to!
Paul: (thoughtful)
Well, these roses are in desperate need for a bit of a tidying up - a few wilting leaves - some dead heading and as you say - some weeds down in the bed...
Gordon:
Oooh! Goodo! Golly... Isn't the smell lovely - quite strong... Almost a little pungent... (he breathes in)
Paul: (with growing concern)
Maybe you should wear a mask... You're not sensitive to pollen at all, are you?
Gordon: (loudly sneezing)
ATTTTISSSSSHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Paul: (trying not to sound too disappointed)
Oh... Goodness... I guess that's my answer!
Gordon: (apologetically)
Oh gosh... I think I may have killed all the roses by sneezing on them... I'm awfully sorry, yeti...
Paul: (awkwardly)
Oh, Gordon! Ah... Well, never mind... We'll buy some fake flowers - Bettina need never know...
SCENE FOUR:
Paul: (jovial)
Hello listeners... Well, as you can see - finding Gordon a new job was a lot harder than one would have imagined... I assure you that I did do my best - but we kept encountering hiccups... We're coming across the same or associated problems whatever jobs he goes for... I guess the trouble is that Gordon has simply never had a traditional job - so it's awfully hard... He did do an afternoon in a launderette that I would have told you more about, only that it all ended up very similarly to what almost happened in the archives and what unfortunately did occur in Bettina's garden... Let's just say that all my clothes now have holes in - the ones that didn't completely fall apart, I mean...
I do have good news though... Extremely good news - Gordon has managed to get his old job back; have a listen to this - he sent me a little message just this morning!
Gordon: (equally as jolly)
Hello yeti! By now you've probably already heard my good news! Yes! I'm back in employment again - back where I belong in my old job! I had a long chat with my line-manager and I was able to ascertain why exactly it was that I'd been let go! Apparently I was considered to be a little too jolly for my position - a post that is considered to be really rather serious. Obviously I understand this and support it - but I also think that there is room for a little joviality, even in my profession. Anyway - at that moment management wasn't happy with me and so they let me go - only it turned out that my successor (who was quite the opposite to me) was a problem all of her own making! In fact, she made everyone she encountered cry and that only ends up being extremely unworkable in the long run!
(he lowers his voice)
You might actually recognise my brief replacement, Miss Tilly...
Tilly: (played by Lisa who is actually Dolly in disguise)
Oi! Don't you go looking all miserable... You might be dead but there's no excuse for being unhelpful... Carry on like that and there will be no dinner for you tonight... Just think on... Think on!
Gordon: (almost whispering)
Do you recognise her? Her name's not really Tilly... It's my good friend, Dolly! I think you met her last time you came to visit, Mr Yeti...
Dolly: (pleased with herself)
It seemed only fair to give Gordon a little bit of help - those stupid bosses of his don't appreciate how much work her puts in; my little plan seems to have done the job...
Gordon: (grateful)
Thank you, Dolly - you're a diamond - you really are!
Dolly: (hopeful)
My pleasure, Gordon... Now where's that cream doughnut you promised me by way of a thank you!?
Gordon:
Ah... Yes... I did promise... Better make a move, yeti - Dolly deserves a little TLC! Goodbye now and thank you for all your help!
Paul:
Well, listeners... There you go! That's about all we've got time for... (go into usual ending spiel)
SCENE FIVE:
One of the after the titles chats - maybe the second of the two - the first can just be the regulars commenting on what they thought of the show in general...
Ikk: (enthusiastically)
Well, Paul - that was a good episode - it was so nice to have Gordon back on the show - we've not heard from in ages... I must say that I was a little worried to begin with that things were going to end badly for him - so I'm pleased that it was a happy ending...
Paul: (also jolly)
Yes! Yes! Absolutely... Oh... Look... Here he comes now... Gordon!
Gordon: (mildly concerned)
Hello! I just wanted to say goodbye to the listeners - did I miss them?
Ikk: (encouraging)
No! No! Gordon... There is still time!
Gordon: (innocently)
Oh good... I got distracted chasing some young hoodlums from weeing on a gravestone - I got my chopper out and that scared them off; they'd not seen one that big before...
Ikk:
Oh yes... Didn't you just get it sharpened too?
Gordon:
I did, yes... Dolly said that it needed a polish too - so I got it all seen to at the same time...
Paul:
Okay... Well, we really must say goodbye now...
Gordon: (delicately)
Ikk... I know that this is probably a bit cheeky, but would you ever consider taking me up into space sometime?
Ikk: (apologetically)
I'd love to dearheart - only I'd be slightly worried that you might dissolve your own space-suit - or mine for that matter. We'd have to look into it very carefully...
Paul: (with concern)
Oh blimey! That's a good point. Poor Gordon... There must be something that you wouldn't turn to dust!
Gordon: (hopeful)
Perhaps someone could invent a space suit actually made from dust in the first place - it might be the answer...
Ikk: (intrigued)
Gordon! You could be right... I'll speak to Cromitty and Cuthbert and we'll see what we can do...
Gordon: (enthused)
Marvellous! Marvellous...
Paul:
Okay guys... We've got to go - say goodbye to the listeners... Thanks for all your help this time, Gordon! Hopefully we'll record with you and Dolly again soon!
Gordon:
I do hope so! Well, goodbye now listeners...
Ikk:
Goodbye listeners! See you soon!
Paul:
Bye now - take care out there, won't you?
The idea for this script was concocted back in Autumn 2018, but I didn't get a chance to write it until 2019, between Spring 2019 and Autumn 2019.
