THE GARDEN PARTY (PT 2)
A Script for Adam
I’ve provided a script for all these scenes - so although it might seem a lot not all of these lines are yours. Thank you again for your help!
August:
Is it just me, my dear - or is there something odd occurring here today?
Bettina:
You could be right, my darling - but whatever is going on I’ve not been warned about it in advance…
August:
Could it be part of some surprise that Paul and his friends have arranged for us?
Bettina:
I rather doubt it - they seem as confused and surprised about it all as we are. This was meant to be a party to celebrate my birthday and our wedding… I must say that I have suspicions… unpleasant ones… Is it just me or do you smell vampires in the air?
August:
Oh, Bettina dear… I’m sure it’s nothing quite so serious… I’m pretty sure it’s just all part of this special day… All I smell is the buffet and it’s making me hungry… Somebody told me that there is a candy floss machine and toffee apples too - although my filling dropped out the other day, so maybe I should avoid those! Still, let me go and top up our plates… I’ll have a word with Paul if I see him… I’m sure he’ll know what is going on…
August departs, Bettina barely notices…
Bettina: (to herself)
Deary me… I’m certain that it is vampires, you know… in which case it’s really not safe for us all to be standing out here.. I’m pretty sure that Paul once said that although most vampires can resist the sunlight these days they can’t actually attack until it’s dusk… Well, it very nearly is dusk!
Stranger (Max):
Your friend was right… And so are you… Oh, Bettina… I really am sorry that such infernal business is occurring - especially on this special day of yours…
Bettina:
I’m sorry… Who are… Oh, good grief… Max… It is, isn’t it? You showed up… I never thought you would!
Max:
Of course I showed up… After all you did invite me… I always make myself available if invited - in fact I find it hard to make myself known without an invitation, but that’s just the way things are… I’m sorry, I’m wittering… So yes, here I am… alas I have learnt that there are plans to spoil things for you and so I was doubly sure that I had to make an appearance…
Bettina:
Max, darling… I’m afraid I don’t understand…
Max:
Well, it’s the vampires, you see… They’ve been targeting you and your friends for some time, I think you know that… They’re not happy… They never are when people stand up to them…
Bettina:
But Max… I’m slightly confused now… What on Earth do you know about vampires?
Max:
Apologies, but I’m not sure that I have time to explain, my dear…
Bettina:
But this is a party… Please… Help yourself to food… to a drink…
Max:
I think you already know that it’s all a bit too late for that… Maybe on some other occasion, although these days I rarely eat or drink at parties…
Bettina:
I’m sorry… Why ever not? Are you dieting, dear - you always did like a diet even when we were married! All those mung bean salads and vegan quiches - I never did understand your infatuation with them…
Max:
I guess I was ahead of my time… They’re all the rage now… Anyway… You act confused but I think that deep down you do understand… You’re just not keen to accept it.. As you already noted… Dusk approaches… Something must be done… and I must be the one to do it…
Bettina:
Darling, are you one of those slayers that I hear Paul talking so much about?
Max:
Not exactly, no… it’s more complicated than all that!
Bettina:
Then how come you know so much?
Max:
My darling, I do regret that we have to spend our first reunion in decades talking about such unsavoury matters…
Bettina:
I understand, Max - yet still we do… You’ve still not answered my question…
Max:
About how I know so much?
Bettina:
Precisely!
Max:
Oh Bettina… It is because I am one of them… Although in no way am I part of their group and neither do I have the blood lust that they exhibit… I’m a little different…
Bettina:
Max, you always were…
Max:
You don’t seem surprised…
Bettina:
Well, the whole vampire thing is a daily reality to us here on the podcast dear… That you are involved is a surprise but I suppose that it may explain a number of issues…
Max:
It does? Ah! Well, okay then…
Bettina:
So, what now? What next?
Max:
I need to go and deal with the waiters before dusk falls… They are the vampires, you see… and dusk is when things could get really dangerous…
Bettina:
Oh! How unpleasant! Will I see you again? Once you have sorted them out?
Max:
Not today, I’m afraid… This will take some arranging… I’ll be taking my complaints right back to the source… After tonight you needn’t worry quite so much… There will be no more vampires in this area as long as I have anything to do with it…
Bettina:
Oh Max, how wonderful…
Max:
Consider it a birthday present… Although I have left you a real one with all the other presents in the drinks tent…
Bettina:
Oh, most kind… You really shouldn’t have…
Max:
I would like to see you again at some stage… I do get awfully busy with the galleries - maybe you and August would like to visit me at one of them…
Bettina:
Maybe, yes… Soon…
Max:
Still, I must depart… Dusk is falling… By the way… You didn’t accidentally palm my membership card to Fangs Anonymous when you were raiding my office that time, did you dear? I showed up for cocktails the other week but they wouldn’t let me in because I’d misplaced my club ID…
Bettina:
Oh, goodness… I don’t think I have it, no… Sorry… Paul said you’d know that I’d visited…
Max:
Of course, dear… I know your perfume anywhere!
Bettina:
Drat! That never even occurred to me!
Max:
Never mind! I was glad that Paul came along as your lookout… He left paw prints, before you ask… You have a good friend in him, Betsy dear! Anyway, I don’t blame you for your actions - you were curious and I’d not had a chance to explain myself… I consider myself your protector so I could hardly be cross…
Bettina:
I’m sorry… We do still have a lot questions for you, Max - but I suppose you should go…
Max:
I’m already gone… Bettina, I adore you still - but I do know that things are awfully complicated… Look after yourself…
Bettina:
Oh, Max…
But Max is no longer present…
Paul shows up…
Paul:
Bettina… What’s going on? I think we ought to go inside… We’re losing the light and there are vampires about… was that Max you were speaking to?
Bettina:
It was dear… You’re probably right about the light… Let’s get everybody into the ballroom for a fruity cocktail and an announcement or two whilst Max sorts out the vampires… Once I’m done we can start the disco!
Paul:
Whilst Max does, what?
Bettina:
It’s okay… I’ll explain on the way… Max is my protector, don’t you know!?
Paul:
Oh, right! Is he now?
Bettina:
Yes, now come on… (to everyone) Hello! Hello! Everybody! It rather looks like rain… We’ll bring the party into the ballroom for the dancing and cocktails… I may have a speech or three to make first though - so be warned! Come on! Come on! No, dawdling… Careful there, Ikk - don’t trip over your tentacles!
We hear various ad-libs from the regulars, all but Tallulah and Martin…
Additional scene - the garden
Tallulah:
Oh dear… What’s going on? Where is everyone going? Martin, dear - where are you?
Waiter:
Would you like a drink, Madame? Time is running out… It’s almost dusk and then I’ll be clocking off work…
Tallulah:
Err, no dear… Not right now… I’m just looking for my son… You’ll be glad of the rest, I expect... It must have been an exhausting afternoon for you and your team…
Waiter:
Yes! I’ll be glad of a drink, I’ll admit that…
Tallulah:
Oh yes, dear… A nice cup of coffee or a cool beer maybe…
Waiter:
Or perhaps even a Bloody Mary… Maybe you’d like to join us… Join us…
Tallulah:
Oh… Err… I don’t think so… Martin!!!
Martin:
Mother… There you are… We need to get back inside… Come on now… To the ballroom…
Waiter:
Don’t rush off… Now there are three of us… We could have quite a party…
Tallulah:
Oh, I don’t think so…
Waiter:
Join us… Join us…
Martin:
Come on mum, let’s get out of here…
Tallulah:
He’s blocking my way, son… I’m scared to come past…
Waiter:
JOIN US!!!
Martin:
You’ll be fine mum, here now - just grab my hand!
Tallulah:
It’s so dark… I can barely see you!
Waiter:
JOIN US!!
Tallulah:
Oh Martin! He’s intimidating me with his piercing… red… eyes…
Max:
Dear lady! Fear not! For your protector is here!
The waiter makes an angry hissing sound…
Tallulah:
Oh golly! Isn’t he horrid! But who are you?
Martin:
Look mum! The waiter is cowering away from him!
Max:
I’m Max Du Pres! And I’m here to assist!
Waiter: (pitifully)
Join us…
Max:
Unhand her, you sniveling wretch! Your work is done here! You have failed! Leave before I dispatch you for good!
Tallulah:
Oh golly… This Max chap - he’s very good, isn’t he?
Martin:
Yes, mother… He’s also creating a diversion… So we really ought to get out of here… Come on! Thank you, Max! Most grateful and all that!
Tallulah:
Oh yes! Ever so! Thank you!
Waiter:
Join us? Join us?
Max:
Oh dear… Will you NEVER learn? I’m going to have to reduce you to ashes now, aren’t I? I did warn you…
Tallulah:
Martin dear! Did that nice man just set that waiter on fire simply by touching him on the…?
Martin:
On his Willy? Well yes, he may well have done, but I’m sure it was for his own good… Just keep running… There are more of those bad people out here…
We hear various calls of “Join us!” as they hurry on…
Additional scene - the ballroom
Paul:
Bettina! That really is quite the surprise! So it sounds like Max isn’t exactly the foe that we were imagining!
Bettina:
Not exactly, no - although between you and I he does appear to be one of them…
Paul:
One of… Oh! A vampire?!
Bettina:
Yes, dear… Just not a bad one…. it’s not to say that all those documents that I found back at his office might not still be genuine… I mean, he may still be at war with Control Incorporated…
Paul:
Well, yes… Maybe… I guess we’ll deal with all that later… Gosh… It’s pitch black out there now… Is everyone safely inside?
Bettina:
I’m not sure… Ikk is doing a head count…
Ikk:
It’s all done… Cromitty has the details…
Cromitty:
Apparently there are just a couple missing… Martin and Tallulah… Oh, and Max too, of course…
Yeti Uncle John:
I wonder where they’ve got to! Most irregular!
Bettina:
I can see them coming now; across the patio… Let them in Paul, quickly…
Paul:
Oh blimey… Yes… Hurry now… Martin… Tallulah… Are you okay?
Martin:
Yes! Yes! We’re fine!
Tallulah:
There are some very nasty men out there but Max seems to be setting them on fire for us, simply by touching them on the…
Martin:
Mother!!
Paul:
Blimey! Well, it’s all very festive…
Bettina:
Is Max with you?
Martin:
I don’t think so…
But suddenly…
Max:
Actually I am here… only I can’t stop… I have some work to finish here but then I really must fly… I just wanted to say goodbye and to advise that you stay inside for as long as possible… Let things die down… Be sure to get taxis home if you must leave…
Bettina:
Don’t you worry, Max… I predict that this party will be going on until at least dawn…
Paul:
If it’s safer that way, then why not! There are plenty of spare rooms here if people need a nap, but this crowd look like quite the party-animals!
August:
Hello! Hello! What is going on here?
Bettina:
It’s Max, dear… But he has to go… He needs to vanquish a few more vampire waiters…
August:
Oh, how dreary… So you’re Max, you look a bit like my dentist…
Max:
Ah well… It’s a sideline of mine, but keep that to yourself… I really must go… I’m sure we’ll meet again…
August:
I do hope so… I lost a filling just the other day… Bettina always burns things and it plays hell with my toothipegs!
Bettina:
Darling, I do not!!
Max:
Speak to my secretary August - I’m sure we can get it fixed for you…
August:
Thank you - most kind - thanks again for all of your help…
We hear further cries of “Join us! Join us!”
Max:
Right! Must go! Take care all of you!! Don’t forget to open your present later, Bettina…
Bettina:
Oh yes, thank you!! Thank you, Max dear!
But Max is gone…
Tallulah:
Oh Martin love? Is he setting more waiters on fire out there?
Martin:
Hopefully, mum… Now come away…
Tallulah:
I still don’t understand why he has to touch them on the… oh well… I guess I’d do the same if given half a chance and I guess it does brighten up the place…
Bettina:
Oh well… Time for cocktails and a speech or two…
August:
Oh, that sounds lovely… This party has turned out rather splendidly after all…
Bettina:
I’m glad you think so, dear…
Paul:
I don’t think I like parties: although I’m not sure I ever did…
Various ad-libs from the rest of the cast as they observe the burning of the vampire waiters in the garden… we hear the beginning of a speech that Bettina is making…
Additional end scenes…
Paul speaks briefly with various cast members…
Bettina speaks with Paul. The rest of the party went okay except for numerous scorch marks out on the lawn… Tallulah still seems shaken yet enthused by her experience. Toppie and Tappie got home safely.
What is the gift? A golden heart paperweight and a freshly sharpened stake…
Max hasn’t called Bettina yet but he did call Paul and left a message:
Max:
Paul, it’s Max… I’m calling you because I’m sure Bettina and August will be awfully busy clearing up after the party - although I expect they have people to do that sort of thing for them, but anyway… You should all be clear of vampires by now, but I just wanted you to know that if you ever need my help then you should simply call my office… I consider myself Bettina’s protector but as you do so much for her, Paul then I consider myself your protector too… Just don’t take it for granted - no emergency calls for take out pizza or expensive vanilla lattes at 3 O’clock in the morning, please… well, not unless it’s a Tuesday… Anyway, you will be rewarded for keeping an eye on Bettina for me… I can’t say quite how yet, I’ve not quite worked out the reward scheme yet… Anyway, you’re on a premium tier so the perks should be good… I’ll get back to you.. Oh, and before I go… I know all about the pie seances and I’d avoid going to the other dimension if I were you. They’re waiting for you out there and they mean you harm. Let’s see how I can help, first… Alright now, gotta go… I’ll be in touch… Take care!
Paul says they’ll probably hear from Max again. So many questions!! They wonder again if the documents they found were real or fakes. I guess we could ask but he might lie. Oh well, back to business as usual…
END
SCRIPT WRITTEN: 23-30/08/2022
