THE RETURN OF THE CRYPTKEEPER...

THE RETURN OF THE CRYPTKEEPER BELATED-XMAS SPECIAL!!

This script was written in January 2018 to be included as links for an episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST where Mr Yeti pretends it's Halloween so as not to embarrass a forgetful crypt-keeper... The rest of this episode will be ad-libbed around these scripted scenes/links for release in the Spring.

SCENE 1

To be played right at the start of the episode...

PAUL: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Hello listeners! I'm feeling a bit embarrassed today... I've had a bit of a memory lapse and I want to make amends... Let me explain! Do you remember friend of the show, Gordon The Crypt-keeper? When we met him last time I completely told him that he could co-host the Christmas Special episode with me - but then Yeti Uncle John and I got distracted by ghost hunting in the college and the rest of the team went to see Dameus at Tallulah's Christmas Concert and I completely forgot to involve Gordon! Oops... Here he comes... Wish me luck!

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (yokel accent, attempting doom)

Note: Mr Trowby. Please adapt any lines to accommodate additional yokelisms. Thank you.

Oh! Hello you! How lovely to see you, Mr Yeti! How are you doing?

PAUL: (surprised)

Oh... Oooooh... I'm okay... I didn't expect to find you in quite such a merry mood...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (jovial)

Why's that? Because I'm the crypt-keeper? Oh well... No... That's just my job, as you know... I'm really quite a jolly fellow when I not keeping crypts and looking mysterious... I've been expecting you! I'm just happy to see you and all your podcast listeners... I know why you're here!

PAUL: (apologetically)

Ah yes... I'm awfully sorry I'm late...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (reassuringly)

Late? No... You're not late... We've plenty of time...

PAUL: (confused)

We have? You DO know why we're here, right?

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (enthused)

Of course... To record the Shy Life Christmas Special! Well, here I am... I'm ready! Let's do it...

PAUL: (trying to organise himself)

Oh... Oh! Yes... Right... Okay... That'll be great... Sorry I didn't send you the script in advance - we're a bit behind... You know what it's like...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (quite blasé - slightly sadly)

Oh yes... Of course... The podcasting world must be terribly chaotic! Not like my world... Everyone's just dead here...

PAUL: (distracted)

Sure... Sure...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (busily)

Well, let me just put the kettle on and I'll be back with you... I'll brew us up a nice pot of belly button fluff tea - you'll like that, right? Everyone like belly button fluff tea, don't they? You'll be alright waiting a few minutes, I'm sure...

PAUL: (jovially)

Err, yes... Of course.. Yes... Yes! I'll just... err... talk to the listeners...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON:

Good stuff! Back in a minute!! You'll have to meet Dolly... She's in today...

PAUL: (unsure)

Dolly?

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON:

The Crypt-keeper queen! She's kind of my boss... It's a long story... You'll love her...

PAUL: (to the listeners)

Great! Oh deary me... Well, what could I do, listeners? I don't know what's going on here - but I just noticed that Gordon's still got his 2017 calendar up... Maybe they've lost track of time here and don't realise that they've missed Christmas... I think I'm just going to pretend that I didn't know either... I'm going to record the episode with them and YOU LOT are going to have to sit there and pretend that you think that it's just before Christmas too... Okay? OKAY! Good! Behave yourselves, won't you? I'm sure you will... Right... Without further ado - let's run the theme tune... (the theme tune begins)

SCENE 2

To be played right after the main theme music...

PAUL: (in a stage-y whisper)

Hello again listeners! Oh dear, what a pickle I've gotten myself into now! Oops... Here comes Gordon,.. Just play along won't you? Thanks... (turning back to his friend) Heeellllloooo, Gordon! Looking very festive... That white beard really suits you - although I'm not sure it'll really be of much use on the podcast - still, maybe we can take a photo of you to use as show art...

GORDON: (mumbling under the beard)

Mumble-mumble-mumble...

PAUL: (confused)

I beg your pardon?

GORDON: (pulling the beard aside slightly)

I'm sorry... I said, I'm sure it'll be just fine - it'll get me into a more Christmassy mood...

PAUL: (politely)

Yes, yes - indeed... Just make sure the listeners can hear what you're saying!

GORDON: (apologetically)

Mumble-mumble-mumble... I'm sorry... I said... Okay, boss!!

PAUL: (with genuine praise)

That's very good...

GORDON: (nervously excited)

So what are we going to do? Sing some carols maybe? Do a little dance? What do podcast listeners like to listen to at Christmas? I really have no idea myself - this is a completely different world for me!

PAUL: (sympathetically)

Why, of course? What is your typical Christmas - the doomier gloomier side, one presumes?

GORDON: (with regret)

You could say that! It's hard to cheer people up when at the same time you're carting them off to the grave - I mean, I do my best - throw in the odd one-liner here and there, but I think it would probably be fair to say that my audience is never exactly in the mood for whatever humorous line I'm trying to peddle...

PAUL: (sounding slightly pretentious)

Oh, I am sorry... A comedy genius is rarely appreciated in his or her time... There are many who are applauded whilst they're alive - but many don't deserve it and those of us who end up as the unwilling audience would really rather they just shrivelled up and went away...

GORDON: (lowering his voice, chuckling)

Naming no names, right? Are you still jealous that Deeley The Cat still gets all the best lines on your show?

PAUL: (trying not to sound hurt)

Please refrain from bringing that up - it still upsets me on occasion - but at least he IS family, so part of me is still very proud for all of his successes...

GORDON: (sounding impressed)

That album of Atomic Kitten cover versions that he released was surprisingly experimental...

PAUL: (in agreement)

Indeed... You're not wrong... I believe that the NME gave him a 4 star review...

GORDON: (reflecting happily)

Well deserved, I'd say... Aww... (ponders for a moment) Podcaster's cats are always just ESPECIALLY cute, I always think!

PAUL: (starting to sound impatient)

Yes, yes... I'm well aware of that...

GORDON: (continuing oblivious)

Cats are ALSO Christmassy...

PAUL: (curious)

How so?

GORDON: (clearly enjoying imagining this)

Dress them in tinsel and put a seasonably festive hat on their heads and you'll see what I mean!

PAUL: (delicately)

Fair enough - but I hadn't planned any Christmas cat activity for this episode... I'm afraid "Never work with yeti poets and crypt-keepers" tends to be their motto...

GORDON: (over-excited)

Aww... I think you made that last bit up... Oooh! I have cat-nip too... I'm wearing it in my false nose!

PAUL: (relieved)

That's a false nose? Well, that explains it... I didn't like to say just in case I was mistaken... Now listen... You go and put the kettle on and when you come back I will have a complete Christmas line-up for us - you'll need tea to keep your vocal-chords perky...

GORDON: (enthusiastic)

Well, I never... When I return I'll introduce you to Dolly like I promised...

PAUL: (sounding a little patronising)

FANTASTIC... Now run along...

GORDON:

I won't be five minutes... Well... Maybe five - after all the kettle takes at least 3 minutes to boil...

PAUL:

Sure! Sure... (mutters to the audience) Listeners, I still have no idea what we're going to do... Can't you suggest something? Let's delve into the archives or read a poem or something - give you a chance to think... Come on now - I'm depending on you!

SCENE 3

Midway through the episode - Gordon returns and this time he brings Dolly...

PAUL: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Dear-oh-dear, listeners... I'm running out of time - I've still got no ideas for what we should record - especially not on a Christmas theme - and now here comes Gordon...

GORDON: (enthused)

Hello! Are you ready to start? Dolly will be here in a minute,,, I was thinking that maybe you could ask me what my favourite Christmassy things are - I know it sounds pretty ordinary - but nobody has probably ever asked that of a crypt-keeper - so it might even play out as a first!

PAUL: (relieved)

Ah! Indeed... Yes! What a good idea! Let's do that...

GORDON: (keenly)

Oh! Here comes Dolly... Dolly! Over here, me dear...

DOLLY: (bluntly)

Hello, boney - how's you? Oooh. Who's ya friend? Why's he all wrapped up, like? I mean it's cold - but it's not that cold...

PAUL: (lost for words)

I... err... well...

GORDON: (affectionately)

Dolly! You daft thing... That's not a coat - that's his fur... He's a yeti...

PAUL: (slightly annoyed)

I'd like to add that I am wearing clothes - they're just a little hidden... I'm not standing here topless, you know... What kind of hussy yeti do you take me for?

GORDON: (sincerely)

Apologies... Of course not... Ah yes... I see it now... What a lovely tank-top...

PAUL: (curtly)

It's actually a waistcoat - but thank you all the same...

DOLLY: (slightly suspiciously)

A yeti, aye... That's very modern of you... What made you want to be a yeti?

PAUL: (attempting not to sound too annoyed)

It was always my ambition - but being born one helped...

DOLLY: (speaking at him as if he's old and deaf)

Oh... He's quick... Funny too... I said you're funny, Mr Yeti... Quite the wit...

GORDON: (speaking amongst themselves as if he can't hear)

He is very amusing, isn't he?

DOLLY: (in half-hearted agreement)

I guess so... Nice shoes too...

GORDON: (enthused)

They are kind of swanky, aren't they?

PAUL: (trying his very hardest to sound flattered)

So very kind... Very nice to meet you, Dolly... Did you... err... want to take part in our Christmas episode too?

DOLLY: (not sounding exactly enthusiastic, but trying to be helpful)

Well, I can tap-dance - depends whether you've brought any taps with you... Hey? Hey? 

GORDON: (clearly quite enamoured)

Oh, Dolly... You're such a giggle... Isn't she such a giggle, Mr Yeti?

PAUL: (politely)

Yes! Yes! She's a scream... 

GORDON: (suddenly ready to perform)

Will we be starting soon?

PAUL: (taken a little bit off-guard)

What? Oh... Yes... Definitely... But... errr... What about a costume for Dolly? Do you have anything suitable ready prepared? This may be a podcast but we still need costumes and after all you've made such a splendid effort yourself!

GORDON: (slightly embarrassed by his own failure here)

Oh! I completely forgot! How stupid of me! Come on Dolly... We need to get you suited and booted - you'll be alright as an elf won't you? (Dolly just mutters - not fully replying) Oh - and of course - I also need to get the reindeer into position; I need them to practice their dance steps... You will wait for us, won't you, yeti?

PAUL: (politely/relieved)

Of course! Yes... Don't rush... (turning back to listeners) Blimey, listeners... I suppose I better scribble something down by way of a script... Why don't you listen to this next bit and I'll get my thinking hat on!

SCENE 4

Paul is back - he is trying to sound keen, but speaks to the listeners first... In the background we hear Gordon doing vocal warm-ups! (please record these sounds and I'll dub them behind my lines!)

PAUL: (hurriedly)

Hello listeners! Oh dear... What a mess I've got myself into here... Still... Let's just not worry too much about this and simply forge forward... Gordon and Dolly will be back in a minute and we've just got to embrace the whole Christmas spirit - even though it's months past Christmas... They don't seem to know that for some reasons... Oh well! Let them have their fun, right!? We'll sing some carols - jingle some bells and maybe crack open a few ho, ho, hos... Listen? That's him doing his vocal warm-ups... He's so enthusiastic... I can't let him down can I?

There is suddenly a noise - an ouch... Something has gone wrong with Gordon's vocal warm-ups...

(concerned) Oh dear! What's happened now? That doesn't sound too good... Oh, here comes Dolly - I'm sure she'll have an explanation...

DOLLY: (apologetically)

We've got a problem... He's got himself into a bit of a tizzy...

GORDON: (croaks)

I'm so sorry, yeti... It's me voice... I've gone and over-done it!

PAUL: (confused)

You did what? What's happened exactly?

DOLLY: (matter-of-factly)

As I say, he got himself over excited... He was doing his vocal exercises and got himself wound up in the tinsel and only went and swallowed a bauble...

PAUL: (concerned)

Good grief! Is he alright?!

DOLLY: (not exactly sounding convinced by her own words)

Oh... He'll be fine... Eventually...

GORDON: (weakly)

Maybe you could come back when I'm feeling better...

DOLLY: (sympathetic but insistent)

I don't think there will be time, Gordon... You have work responsibilities and... well.., Christmas is Christmas, isn't it? By the time you're feeling better it'll be after Christmas... Maybe you can be involved next time, aye!?

GORDON: (slightly embarrassed)

Oh... Yeti... One million apologies... One million and one apologies...

PAUL: (trying not to reveal how relieved he is)

Oh... Don't worry about it Gordon, old fella... We'll sort it out... You have to be careful with baubles in future - they're very easy to swallow...

DOLLY: (in complete agreement, bluntly)

When you've got a gob as big as his it is, that's for sure...

GORDON: (sounding harassed)

DOLLY!!

PAUL: (not sounding very keen)

Oh dear... I mean if you still want to join in Dolly then I'm sure Gordon could still rattle a tambourine...

DOLLY: (distant)

No... Sorry... I don't think so... Thanks but no thanks... I've got 17 pair of socks to knit for the local badger Kung-fu and cream tea consortium... I'll never get finished if I stand around gassing all afternoon...

PAUL: (distracted, we hear Gordon muttering in reply)

Oh... Dear... Well... Right... (turning to the listeners) Well, listeners - this is a fine pickle - but it may just have gotten me out of tricky situation... (turning back to Gordon) What a shame about all this - I'm so sorry, Gordon... Did you swallow the bauble right down or is it stuck down there somewhere? Really? Oh, dear... How awkward... Have you tried doing the Conga? No... But it might be worth trying - get things moving a bit - you might perhaps shift it... Listeners... It's probably best if you go and listen to something from the archives... I'll speak to you again at the end... Alright... Thank you! Enjoy!

Gordon doesn't sound too impressed - we move on...

SCENE 5

Paul has already said goodbye to the listeners and the end titles have played - this last scene appears right at the end...

PAUL: (apologetically)

Oh, hello again... I can't believe I let myself be dragged into discussing Christmas when we're far closer to Easter! Apologies... I do hope you enjoyed the episode anyway... Oh, by the way - Gordon coughed up the bauble and is doing fine... Oh... Here he comes... Gordon! Feeling better?!

GORDON: (still rather croaky)

A lot better now, yes thank you... I must admit I do feel a bit embarrassed about spoiling your Christmas episode... I presume you'll be able to go on without me - I just don't think I'm going to be well enough in time...

PAUL:

No... No... That's fine... I quite understand... 

GORDON:

Maybe another time?

PAUL: (trying to show some keenness)

What about the Summer Special - we could do something for that, maybe...

GORDON: (concerned)

Good plan! Yes! You will tell the listeners that I really did swallow a bauble, won't you? I wouldn't want them thinking that I was only pretending - this is the trouble with audio; nobody can completely trust that what you're saying is actually real...

PAUL: (winding up the conversation)

Especially when it's the news... It's all put together by a bunch of R.A.D.A. students with stuck on side-burns and party hats apparently - they just make it up as they go along... (Gordon makes a shocked WOW noise) Anyway! The listeners will understand... Listen now, I better get on - I'll be in touch about some kind of future collaboration... Give my best wishes to Dolly... She's okay, I trust?

GORDON: (sounding slightly horrified)

She's okay - she's just spin-drying the Christmas decorations... We couldn't remember which of the baubles that I swallowed - it was just better to wash the whole lot of them...

PAUL: (trying not to sound too impatient)

Oh yes... I guess so... Well, now... We'll be in touch!

GORDON: (enthusiastic)

Excellent yeti... Happy Christmas...

PAUL: (keen, then with voice lowered)

Err, yeah... Happy Christmas... (turning back to the listeners) Well, listeners... It was nice to catch up with him anyway... I'm sure we'll see him again...

DOLLY RETURNS...

DOLLY: (her voice also lowered)

Has he gone?

GORDON: (confirming, his voice also lowered)

He's gone, yes indeed...

DOLLY: (hopeful)

So we don't have to keep pretending that we think it's Christmas...

GORDON: (relieved)

No, thank goodness... Poor fellow... I blame it on all those podcast episodes that he produces - it addles him...

DOLLY: (with regret)

Must do... It's understandable... Ah well... Hey... You don't think the listeners are still listening do you?

GORDON: (confident)

No... They'll have left when he did...

DOLLY:

Do you think? (pauses)

GORDON:

Hello? Listeners? (pauses) Nah... They've gone...

DOLLY: (perking up)

Time for a nice cup of tea then...

GORDON: (in agreement)

Splendid...

DOLLY: (slightly impatient)

Well, hurry up then...

GORDON: (apologetic)

Oh... Sorry... Bauble-injury... No, no... I'm fine...

DOLLY:

Hmm...

This script was written between Wednesday 3rd and Thursday 25th January 2018, with revisions made between 30th January and 6th March 2018