A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF TASTES LIKE BURNING...
Dear Tim,
SOME OF THIS EPISODE IS ALREADY RECORDED - YOU MAY STICK TO THE SCRIPT OR AD-LIB, I WILL NOT RECORD MY SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION UNTIL I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR WORDS AND THEN I'LL REACT WITH THOSE... CONSIDER THIS A GUIDE SCRIPT ONLY... ONLY CERTAIN SECTIONS OF THESE EPISODES HAVE BEEN SCRIPTED - BUT YOUR SECTION OF THE STORY BEGINS AS FOLLOWS...
I THANK YOU...
SOME OF THIS EPISODE IS ALREADY RECORDED - YOU MAY STICK TO THE SCRIPT OR AD-LIB, I WILL NOT RECORD MY SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION UNTIL I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR WORDS AND THEN I'LL REACT WITH THOSE... CONSIDER THIS A GUIDE SCRIPT ONLY... ONLY CERTAIN SECTIONS OF THESE EPISODES HAVE BEEN SCRIPTED - BUT YOUR SECTION OF THE STORY BEGINS AS FOLLOWS...
I THANK YOU...
Mr Yeti :)
THIS FIRST PIECE IS BASICALLY THE CLIFFHANGER FOR THE FIRST EPISODE...
Paul (Shy Yeti) is lost somewhere on "the other side" having gotten on the wrong bus from work... He is disorientated and hears a strange ghostly noise and is walking closer to it...
YETI:
Hello? Hello? Who's that? Hello... I'm looking for help... I'm lost...
VOICE: (DEADIEGRAMS)
They all say that, sweet cheeks... I know your sort... You're just after my valuables...
YETI:
Err... I'm really not.. I just want to find the way out...
VOICE:
Yeah, yeah... They all say that one too... What happened? Did you sell your soul and now you're regretting it?
YETI:
No! No... That's not what happened at all! I literally rushed to catch a bus and... well... it really wasn't the bus that I thought it was going to be...
VOICE:
Bad move... Jumping on buses without checking on their destination first...
YETI:
I know what you mean... Although I somehow doubt that the bus would have had TO THE OTHER SIDE on the front of the bus...
VOICE:
You make a good point, sonny... It probably just said HELL...
YETI:
This isn't HELL, is it? Come on... Hell doesn't even exist...
VOICE:
You've clearly never been to Miami in a heatwave...
YETI:
Well no, I'm from London... I've been to Vegas and that was pretty hot... Now, listen... I recognise your voice... I'm pretty sure I do...
VOICE:
It's possible, I suppose... After all, I do occasionally share my wisdom with the peoples of the internet...
YETI:
Do you podcast?
VOICE:
I believe that is what it is called... I also tweet...
YETI:
Blimey... That's not bad for a disembodied voice... No offence meant or anything...
VOICE:
None taken, furry chops...
YETI:
Just a minute! I just clicked...
VOICE:
That'll be your hip - or your back... It's the curse of middle age...
YETI:
Nothing like that! No, I've just remembered which podcast you're on! TASTES LIKE BURNING! With Tim and James and James and Tim...
VOICE:
That'll be your hip - or your back... It's the curse of middle age...
YETI:
Nothing like that! No, I've just remembered which podcast you're on! TASTES LIKE BURNING! With Tim and James and James and Tim...
VOICE:
No need to repeat yourself - I heard you the first time...
YETI:
Oh, I'm sorry... I have some friends - well, they're not around at the moment - they're aliens... Funny little fellas - they were great fans of that show... And of James and Tim... That's how they spoke... (does a quick impression, but it's not very good...)
VOICE:
Well now, I must admit that this is beginning to sound familiar...
YETI:
You're Deadiegrams, aren't you? THE deadiegrams!!!!
DEADIEGRAMS:
Errr... I might be... What's it worth to you?
YETI:
Oh... I'm not sure it's worth a great deal - it only means that we have kind of met... Perhaps you can point me in the right direction for getting home... Do you know where the bus stop home might be?
DEADIEGRAMS:
Buses? No... Never use them, sonny... People wee on the seats - you can catch things off them... Sure, I know I'm dead - but it's best to be careful... There are worse things than death you know... STDs for a start... Did you know dead people can still catch STDs? Only there are no ghostly doctors - so you just have to put up with it...
YETI:
NO GHOSTLY DOCTORS? But what about the ghosts of doctors who used to be alive...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Never happens...
YETI:
What do you mean it never happens - it must do... Doctors aren't eternal! Listen... Did you just make that all up - what you just said then...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Might have done... I like to spice things up now and again and you did interrupt my afternoon nap what with all that shouting you were doing out in the ghostly mists and all...
YETI:
Now you're telling me that ghosts take naps? Is that a lie too?
DEADIEGRAMS:
Spot on... You're a quick one, sonny - and no mistake.... What was that you were saying about us meeting before... Did I haunt you once or something? Don't you come here asking for your money back!
YETI:
No... No... No... It's just I think I may have tweeted you and your answered my question on the TASTES LIKE BURNING show...
NOTE: AT THIS POINT WE HEAR A FLASHBACK OF EXACTLY THIS - TAKEN FROM THE EPISODE THAT WAS ACTUALLY RECORDED - I HAVE SAVED THE EXACT CLIP ALREADY...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Oh yes... Yes... That tolls a bell now you mention it, sonny...
YETI:
You were very helpful... It was nice of you to reply... Thank you...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Why, of course sonny - it was my pleasure - and my job... Gets my picture in the Spectral News now and again...
YETI:
There really is only one more thing that you could do for me, dear lady - if you would be so kind - and that is simply to point me in the direction of the bus stop... I only want to get home...
DEADIEGRAMS: (evil chuckling)
That's all you wish to know, is it? Is it, really? Well, I'm afraid it's just not going to be that easy... You see - now you're here there is simply no undoing it...
YETI:
I don't understand... Surely those buses must go back and forth...
YETI:
You were very helpful... It was nice of you to reply... Thank you...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Why, of course sonny - it was my pleasure - and my job... Gets my picture in the Spectral News now and again...
YETI:
There really is only one more thing that you could do for me, dear lady - if you would be so kind - and that is simply to point me in the direction of the bus stop... I only want to get home...
DEADIEGRAMS: (evil chuckling)
That's all you wish to know, is it? Is it, really? Well, I'm afraid it's just not going to be that easy... You see - now you're here there is simply no undoing it...
YETI:
I don't understand... Surely those buses must go back and forth...
DEADIEGRAMS:
It's none of your business whether they do or whether they don't - I am afraid it is against the rules... You are here now and here you will stay... There is no going back... No return to sender... NO! NO! NO! You can never go home - you are here forever, young man! Do you hear me? FOREVER! FOREVER! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!
HER VOICE ECHOES AND WE HEAR SHY YETI PROTESTING IN DISBELIEF... THIS IS THE END OF THE FIRST OF THE TWO EPISODES - THERE MAY BE SOME KIND OF ANNOUNCER SUMMING IT ALL UP - BUT I'LL SEE ABOUT THAT LATER...
THIS IS FOR THE SECOND EPISODE - THERE WILL BE A RECAP AND THEN THE ADVENTURE WILL CONTINUE...
SHY YETI:
ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I hear you... No need to be QUITE so dramatic! If I was a less charitable and suspicious minded person then I'd almost guess that you enjoyed imparting people such bad news...
DEADIEGRAMS:
It is kind of fun... You should try it sometime...
SHY YETI:
Maybe I will... Hmm... Let me see... I think it's my turn... Hey! Deadiegrams - I just received a phonecall - it was from the launderette...They're terribly sorry - but they accidentally washed your colours with those brand new white sheets that you'd only just brought... I believe they've all gone a rather sickly shade of pink!
DEADIEGRAMS:
As bad news goes it hardly rates especially highly...
SHY YETI:
But they were new sheets - dead expensive...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Well, I'm dead too - so they're in good company... And I LIKE pink!
SHY YETI:
Oh, you spoil-sport, you... Well, if I'm going to be stuck here then I ought to be allowed to ask a question...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Go ahead... Ask away!
SHY YETI:
Well, I was just wondering - do you have a proper christian name? Like Joyce or Suzanna or Muriel? I mean, were you once somebody's actual grandma?
DEADIEGRAMS:
It is kind of fun... You should try it sometime...
SHY YETI:
Maybe I will... Hmm... Let me see... I think it's my turn... Hey! Deadiegrams - I just received a phonecall - it was from the launderette...They're terribly sorry - but they accidentally washed your colours with those brand new white sheets that you'd only just brought... I believe they've all gone a rather sickly shade of pink!
DEADIEGRAMS:
As bad news goes it hardly rates especially highly...
SHY YETI:
But they were new sheets - dead expensive...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Well, I'm dead too - so they're in good company... And I LIKE pink!
SHY YETI:
Oh, you spoil-sport, you... Well, if I'm going to be stuck here then I ought to be allowed to ask a question...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Go ahead... Ask away!
SHY YETI:
Well, I was just wondering - do you have a proper christian name? Like Joyce or Suzanna or Muriel? I mean, were you once somebody's actual grandma?
DEADIEGRAMS:
That would be telling... It's not something I choose to share with anyone... I like to preserve my anonymity...
SHY YETI:
Well, I know you do... For your public... But now I'm here I feel sure that we're going to end up as very good - very close friends - buddies even... Bridge partners... Dinner party chums... I predict that pretty soon we'll end up having weekends away... I mean, as I've nowhere else to live we might as well start co-habiting immediately... I'm a very loyal friend Dee... Don't think you'll get rid of me... Ha!
DEADIEGRAMS: (to herself)
Well now, I don't like the sound of that - not one bit... He just won't stop talking! What a one-man walking mouth on legs! No wonder he's a podcaster - I guess talking is what they're best at... This one must be at it 24-7! Maybe I ought to give him directions out of here, after all... At very least I'll send him somewhere a long, long way from me... I shall send him towards the spooky tree - maybe the zombies will get him - that should keep him quiet for awhile...
SHY YETI:
I'm sorry... Were you speaking to me?
DEADIEGRAMS:
No... No... Just mulling over some ideas...
SHY YETI: (to the listeners)
Hello listeners... I'm hoping if I talk enough I'll drive her so crazy that she'll help send me home... Do you think that I'm in with a chance?
DEADIEGRAMS:
Excuse me... Yeti... Were you saying something before about needing to get home...
SHY YETI:
Oh... Well... It's not necessary - not now we've met up - I was hoping that you might be up for reading my fortune... I have bunions... You can read fortunes by examining bunions, can't you? Or is it hemorrhoids - I'm not sure if I have those or not, but you're welcome to check...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Errr... Thank you... No... I'm terribly sorry... But I am just on my way out of here - an old poltergeist friend of mine is having a birthday and as much as I'd like to take you along it's a strictly invite only do...
SHY YETI:
That's okay - I could wait here for you...
DEADIEGRAMS:
I really don't think you'd like it - it can be very cold around here and these birthday parties can last decades; literally decades... I'm sure your listeners will be missing you back in London...
SHY YETI:
Oh, I doubt it... At any rate - I'm still recording...
DEADIEGRAMS:
That's all very well, but where will you edit your material? No... No... You need to take all your recordings home with you - back to lovely London Town... You know what I'd recommend... If you follow that pathway over there - through the scary forest - past the creepy tree and alongside the spooky church; you'll find the bus station waiting there ahead of you...
SHY YETI:
The scary forest, you say? Can't you show me the way? I'm not sure that I fancy going that way by myself...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Just whistle... You'll be fine... (mutters) Right! I'm out of here - before he starts talking any more... Byyyyyyeeeee, darling! Lovely meeting you in person!
SHY YETI: (distracted)
WHISTLE!?! WHISTLE!?! Now that doesn't seem like it's going to be of much good... Hello!? Oh... Hello... Where she's gone to? Oh, blimey... Through the scary forest did she say? Well, I suppose I have no options... What should I whistle... Umm... *whistles the theme tune to Space 1999 season 2 - it's okay, it's a very vague in-joke, if it even counts as a joke!*
Well, I know you do... For your public... But now I'm here I feel sure that we're going to end up as very good - very close friends - buddies even... Bridge partners... Dinner party chums... I predict that pretty soon we'll end up having weekends away... I mean, as I've nowhere else to live we might as well start co-habiting immediately... I'm a very loyal friend Dee... Don't think you'll get rid of me... Ha!
DEADIEGRAMS: (to herself)
Well now, I don't like the sound of that - not one bit... He just won't stop talking! What a one-man walking mouth on legs! No wonder he's a podcaster - I guess talking is what they're best at... This one must be at it 24-7! Maybe I ought to give him directions out of here, after all... At very least I'll send him somewhere a long, long way from me... I shall send him towards the spooky tree - maybe the zombies will get him - that should keep him quiet for awhile...
SHY YETI:
I'm sorry... Were you speaking to me?
DEADIEGRAMS:
No... No... Just mulling over some ideas...
SHY YETI: (to the listeners)
Hello listeners... I'm hoping if I talk enough I'll drive her so crazy that she'll help send me home... Do you think that I'm in with a chance?
DEADIEGRAMS:
Excuse me... Yeti... Were you saying something before about needing to get home...
SHY YETI:
Oh... Well... It's not necessary - not now we've met up - I was hoping that you might be up for reading my fortune... I have bunions... You can read fortunes by examining bunions, can't you? Or is it hemorrhoids - I'm not sure if I have those or not, but you're welcome to check...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Errr... Thank you... No... I'm terribly sorry... But I am just on my way out of here - an old poltergeist friend of mine is having a birthday and as much as I'd like to take you along it's a strictly invite only do...
SHY YETI:
That's okay - I could wait here for you...
DEADIEGRAMS:
I really don't think you'd like it - it can be very cold around here and these birthday parties can last decades; literally decades... I'm sure your listeners will be missing you back in London...
SHY YETI:
Oh, I doubt it... At any rate - I'm still recording...
DEADIEGRAMS:
That's all very well, but where will you edit your material? No... No... You need to take all your recordings home with you - back to lovely London Town... You know what I'd recommend... If you follow that pathway over there - through the scary forest - past the creepy tree and alongside the spooky church; you'll find the bus station waiting there ahead of you...
SHY YETI:
The scary forest, you say? Can't you show me the way? I'm not sure that I fancy going that way by myself...
DEADIEGRAMS:
Just whistle... You'll be fine... (mutters) Right! I'm out of here - before he starts talking any more... Byyyyyyeeeee, darling! Lovely meeting you in person!
SHY YETI: (distracted)
WHISTLE!?! WHISTLE!?! Now that doesn't seem like it's going to be of much good... Hello!? Oh... Hello... Where she's gone to? Oh, blimey... Through the scary forest did she say? Well, I suppose I have no options... What should I whistle... Umm... *whistles the theme tune to Space 1999 season 2 - it's okay, it's a very vague in-joke, if it even counts as a joke!*
This script extract was written between Thursday 9th and Thursday 16th February 2017...
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