A SCRIPT FOR HAUNTY - THE DEADIEGRAMS EPISODE OF THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - THE AFTER-LIFE...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR JAY THE HAUNTCUB FROM LIFE ON THE POO LIST...

Dear Jay,

I am not going to be too specific as to who this character is - for some reason I've ended up visualizing him like he's some kind of talking statue - but I haven't gone into that in too much detail. He kind of starts off a bit grumpy and unfriendly, but ends up being nicer - as a comparison to the more sinister deadiegrams played by TLB Tim. If you'd rather he be some kind of pirate or highwayman or bandit or something - then play him that way and I'll alter my lines accordingly. It's up to you. Depending on how you play it then I'll also decide whether to add modulation to the voice - either higher or lower; happy to receive your thoughts on this too - I can always just leave it un-tampered with! You are welcome to ad-lib extra lines or not stick directly to the script as I'll record my bits as a reaction to whatever you record. 

I thank you... Gratefully signed, Mr Yeti.

THIS SCENE WILL PROBABLY APPEAR IN THE SECOND OF THE TWO EPISODES...

Paul (Shy Yeti) is lost somewhere on "the other side" having gotten on the wrong bus from work... As he stumbles on he sees a shape before him and much against his better judgement heads towards it!

YETI:

Oooh! Listeners... I can see someone up ahead... I wonder if he can help... He looks kind of strange... Like one of those living statues you see on the streets near tourist traps.. Still, he can't be any more scary than deadiegrams... I need to ask SOMEBODY for help... Well, here goes nothing! Wish me luck, aye... (Yeti hurries on towards the figure) Hello? HELLO!? Can you help me? Please... I'm lost... Don't try and hide - I can see you there... Listeners... I can see him... I know he's not ACTUALLY a statue - I just saw him blink...

LIVING STATUE MAN:

I DID not just blink...

YETI:

You jolly well did and now you just spoke....

STATUE:

Alright! Alright! Enough already... What is it with all these questions... 

YETI:

I just need some help... I'm not meant to be here...

STATUE:

Don't tell me... You caught the wrong bus and here you are...

YETI:

Yes! Yes... Exactly that... How did you know? Did it happen to you?

STATUE:

Happen to me? HAPPEN TO ME? Are you kidding? Jeez... I'd never be that stupid...

YETI:

Well, that's not a very nice thing to say to someone...

STATUE:

Yeah, I know... Still, I quite enjoyed saying it... So - who ARE you, anyway?

YETI:

Why, I'm Shy Yeti... I'm quite a well-known poet and podcaster back where I come from...

STATUE:

Rubbish you are...

YETI:

I SO am... Oh, okay then... I may be slightly exaggerating... Still, come on... Even the dead must have heard of Pride48...

STATUE:

Nah... Never...

YETI:

Don't be a dumbo! You MUST have heard of them... What about Big Fatty? He's like the most famous of all of the podcasters! Big Fatty and Poodle McNoodle? Squeaky kitty? No? What about the gang from Cocktails and Creampuffs - Donna, Wendy and Joey... Or Pod Is My Co-pilot... Taffy, Rodan and Taylor The Latteboy...

STATUE:

Now you're just making the names up...

YETI:

I'm not! These are real people... What about Catching Up... Vera Speaks For Real...

STATUE:

I did know a Vera once - but she was trapped inside a bottle - you know... a genie... In fact she rarely got a chance to speak at all...

YETI:

Well listen... You must have heard of Adam Burns and Daniel Brewer... Greetings From Nowhere? Actually they recently wrapped up their shows... What about Chubs Gone Wild or Foul Monkeys? Come on - you must know of Toppie Smellie from The Smellcast... No? Not even Life On The Poo List, The Faraway Nearby or Tastes Like Burning?

STATUE:

TASTES LIKE BURNING, you say? Now I have heard of that one... With James and Tim and Tim and James?

YETI:

Yes! yes! They're the hosts of that show...

STATUE:

Well yeah - I have heard them... I met some aliens at our new year party and they really turned me on to that show... It's kind of groovy... 

YETI:

I KNOW THOSE ALIENS! They lived at my house for a while...

STATUE:

OMG! You're not that Shy Spaghetti person, are you?

YETI:

SHY YETI!

STATUE:

Oh... Okay... I can never make out their accents too well...

YETI:

I know... You should live with them... Still, I guess it's unlikely you being here in the underworld - or wherever this is... Just a minute - how come you were at a new year party with the aliens, if you're here?

STATUE:

Oh well... You know... I have my contacts...

YETI:

Really! Impressive... You know, I take this to mean that you can help get me home...

STATUE:

Nah... Nope... Can't do that... I mean I'm meant to be horrid to people like you... I'm not meant to help; I really shouldn't even be chatting to you like this for that matter...

YETI:

Who says you can't?

STATUE:

My boss...

YETI:

Oh! Forget him... Who is he anyway?

STATUE:

Well, technically it's me - I'm self-employed - but I like to give my elders and betters some respect... It's the way I would want to be treated if... if I was... if I was.. .me... him... 

YETI:

But you ARE him... you... Oh gawd, now I'm confused... Look! Listen here.... I really don't want to bother you - I just want to know how to get home... I have a podcast episode to finish and listeners waiting...

STATUE:

Hmm... You podcasters... I've heard about people like you... Are you recording this very conversation?

YETI:

Well, of course...

STATUE:

Does that mean I'll be on your podcast?

YETI:

Yeah... If that's okay - and it comes out alright... Should I interview you?

STATUE:

Oh no... I'm feeling shy now... My hair's a mess...

YETI:

It's okay... You don't have to speak if you don't want to, although this is an audio podcast - the state of your hair is hardly of relevance...

STATUE:

I'm not convinced - oh, maybe another time...

YETI:

Do you Skype?

STATUE:

Errr... We can try... I don't own a computer and I live in a completely different plain of existence - but we could definitely try...

YETI:

Hmm... Okay! So, let's get back to the matter in hand... What about giving me those directions back to the bus stop - do you know the way?

STATUE:

Oh yes... Well, they are my fleet of buses after all!

YETI:

They're what? Really?

STATUE:

REALLY!! I'm sorry... I feel bad now... It seemed like such a fun idea - to lure people from the living world here on the bus - to tease them and taunt them and give all the bored ghosts and ghouls something to do... But to be honest I never actually put a face to any of these feckless idiots... I mean, what kind of fool would just hop on a bus headed for the after-life...

YETI:

Hey! That's me you're describing there - and I didn't do it on purpose...

STATUE:

Oh! I know... Ha! Apologies! Weren't wearing your glasses, I suppose...

YETI:

Possibly! I guess you're spot on - I can't deny it, really! It's my own fault...

STATUE:

Oh, don't be too hard on yourself... I'll tell you the way back if you're nice to me...

YETI:

Oh, I will be... I promise to be grateful...

STATUE:

Well, I just can't bear to keep a podcaster from his microphone... So... You see that old dead tree over there shrouded in mist...

YETI:

I see it, yes...

STATUE:

Well, don't go anywhere near that... There's a grumpy poltergeist called Burt who lives inside it...

YETI:

Blimey, no... I'll avoid that one for sure, thank you very much...

STATUE:

No... Take the path in completely the opposite direction - passing the spooky church...

YETI:

The spooky church, aye... Why am I not surprised?

STATUE:

This place is nothing if not predictable - it's a creepy stereotype - I'll be the first to admit it... Anyway... Head on by the church - make sure you keep out of the graveyard... There's poison ivy... Poison ivy and zombies - but the poison ivy is the greater danger of the two...

YETI:

Really? Why's that?

STATUE:

The zombies are pretty harmless - the worse they do is gossip loads... You'll be fine - they may ask you in for tea, but the cakes are always stale, I wouldn't bother; just tell them you've got a bus to catch... Keep walking along the path and you'll reach the terminal within five minutes... Simple!!

YETI:

Oh! Awesome... No, further herculean feats of daring do to achieve?

STATUE:

Nope... That's it! Unless you want to take the long route around through the burning pits of hell...

YETI:

Ah! Maybe not... The short route will do me just fine... Well, I suppose I better get on before it gets dark... well... darker... mistier... spookier... scarier...

STATUE:

You'll be fine... When you get on the bus just tell them that Ferdy sent you... That's me... You'll get a ticket for the front seat with as much hot coffee as you can drink...

YETI:

That's awfully sweet of you... Well, see you around... Or not... If you're ever in London... Well, anyway...

STATUE:

Happy podcasting, good sir yeti...

YETI:

Bye now... (speaking more to self as he walks away) Well, he was nice, wasn't he listeners? I thought he was going to be a bit scary at first - but he thawed pretty quickly... Now... Which way did he say again; towards the tree or towards the church? Umm... The tree wasn't it? No... The church... I can hardly see one or the other... It's so misty... I do hope I don't get lost...

STATUE: (calling out after him)

Stick to the path... You'll lose your way... Do you hear me, yeti? Hello? Oh, fiddlesticks... That furball is going to get himself into trouble, at this rate...

ALSO... 

ADDITIONALLY TO THIS - COULD YOU DO A FEW RANDOM GHOSTLY MOANS AND WOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOO'S, PLEASE... THANKYOU...

This script extract was written between Thursday 9th and Saturday 11th February 2017 and is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017...