THE RETURN OF THE CRYPTKEEPER...

THE RETURN OF THE CRYPTKEEPER BELATED-XMAS SPECIAL!!

This script was written in January 2018 to be included as links for an episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST where Mr Yeti pretends it's Halloween so as not to embarrass a forgetful crypt-keeper... The rest of this episode will be ad-libbed around these scripted scenes/links for release in the Spring.

SCENE 1

To be played right at the start of the episode...

PAUL: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Hello listeners! I'm feeling a bit embarrassed today... I've had a bit of a memory lapse and I want to make amends... Let me explain! Do you remember friend of the show, Gordon The Crypt-keeper? When we met him last time I completely told him that he could co-host the Christmas Special episode with me - but then Yeti Uncle John and I got distracted by ghost hunting in the college and the rest of the team went to see Dameus at Tallulah's Christmas Concert and I completely forgot to involve Gordon! Oops... Here he comes... Wish me luck!

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (yokel accent, attempting doom)

Note: Mr Trowby. Please adapt any lines to accommodate additional yokelisms. Thank you.

Oh! Hello you! How lovely to see you, Mr Yeti! How are you doing?

PAUL: (surprised)

Oh... Oooooh... I'm okay... I didn't expect to find you in quite such a merry mood...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (jovial)

Why's that? Because I'm the crypt-keeper? Oh well... No... That's just my job, as you know... I'm really quite a jolly fellow when I not keeping crypts and looking mysterious... I've been expecting you! I'm just happy to see you and all your podcast listeners... I know why you're here!

PAUL: (apologetically)

Ah yes... I'm awfully sorry I'm late...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (reassuringly)

Late? No... You're not late... We've plenty of time...

PAUL: (confused)

We have? You DO know why we're here, right?

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (enthused)

Of course... To record the Shy Life Christmas Special! Well, here I am... I'm ready! Let's do it...

PAUL: (trying to organise himself)

Oh... Oh! Yes... Right... Okay... That'll be great... Sorry I didn't send you the script in advance - we're a bit behind... You know what it's like...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (quite blasé - slightly sadly)

Oh yes... Of course... The podcasting world must be terribly chaotic! Not like my world... Everyone's just dead here...

PAUL: (distracted)

Sure... Sure...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (busily)

Well, let me just put the kettle on and I'll be back with you... I'll brew us up a nice pot of belly button fluff tea - you'll like that, right? Everyone like belly button fluff tea, don't they? You'll be alright waiting a few minutes, I'm sure...

PAUL: (jovially)

Err, yes... Of course.. Yes... Yes! I'll just... err... talk to the listeners...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON:

Good stuff! Back in a minute!! You'll have to meet Dolly... She's in today...

PAUL: (unsure)

Dolly?

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON:

The Crypt-keeper queen! She's kind of my boss... It's a long story... You'll love her...

PAUL: (to the listeners)

Great! Oh deary me... Well, what could I do, listeners? I don't know what's going on here - but I just noticed that Gordon's still got his 2017 calendar up... Maybe they've lost track of time here and don't realise that they've missed Christmas... I think I'm just going to pretend that I didn't know either... I'm going to record the episode with them and YOU LOT are going to have to sit there and pretend that you think that it's just before Christmas too... Okay? OKAY! Good! Behave yourselves, won't you? I'm sure you will... Right... Without further ado - let's run the theme tune... (the theme tune begins)

SCENE 2

To be played right after the main theme music...

PAUL: (in a stage-y whisper)

Hello again listeners! Oh dear, what a pickle I've gotten myself into now! Oops... Here comes Gordon,.. Just play along won't you? Thanks... (turning back to his friend) Heeellllloooo, Gordon! Looking very festive... That white beard really suits you - although I'm not sure it'll really be of much use on the podcast - still, maybe we can take a photo of you to use as show art...

GORDON: (mumbling under the beard)

Mumble-mumble-mumble...

PAUL: (confused)

I beg your pardon?

GORDON: (pulling the beard aside slightly)

I'm sorry... I said, I'm sure it'll be just fine - it'll get me into a more Christmassy mood...

PAUL: (politely)

Yes, yes - indeed... Just make sure the listeners can hear what you're saying!

GORDON: (apologetically)

Mumble-mumble-mumble... I'm sorry... I said... Okay, boss!!

PAUL: (with genuine praise)

That's very good...

GORDON: (nervously excited)

So what are we going to do? Sing some carols maybe? Do a little dance? What do podcast listeners like to listen to at Christmas? I really have no idea myself - this is a completely different world for me!

PAUL: (sympathetically)

Why, of course? What is your typical Christmas - the doomier gloomier side, one presumes?

GORDON: (with regret)

You could say that! It's hard to cheer people up when at the same time you're carting them off to the grave - I mean, I do my best - throw in the odd one-liner here and there, but I think it would probably be fair to say that my audience is never exactly in the mood for whatever humorous line I'm trying to peddle...

PAUL: (sounding slightly pretentious)

Oh, I am sorry... A comedy genius is rarely appreciated in his or her time... There are many who are applauded whilst they're alive - but many don't deserve it and those of us who end up as the unwilling audience would really rather they just shrivelled up and went away...

GORDON: (lowering his voice, chuckling)

Naming no names, right? Are you still jealous that Deeley The Cat still gets all the best lines on your show?

PAUL: (trying not to sound hurt)

Please refrain from bringing that up - it still upsets me on occasion - but at least he IS family, so part of me is still very proud for all of his successes...

GORDON: (sounding impressed)

That album of Atomic Kitten cover versions that he released was surprisingly experimental...

PAUL: (in agreement)

Indeed... You're not wrong... I believe that the NME gave him a 4 star review...

GORDON: (reflecting happily)

Well deserved, I'd say... Aww... (ponders for a moment) Podcaster's cats are always just ESPECIALLY cute, I always think!

PAUL: (starting to sound impatient)

Yes, yes... I'm well aware of that...

GORDON: (continuing oblivious)

Cats are ALSO Christmassy...

PAUL: (curious)

How so?

GORDON: (clearly enjoying imagining this)

Dress them in tinsel and put a seasonably festive hat on their heads and you'll see what I mean!

PAUL: (delicately)

Fair enough - but I hadn't planned any Christmas cat activity for this episode... I'm afraid "Never work with yeti poets and crypt-keepers" tends to be their motto...

GORDON: (over-excited)

Aww... I think you made that last bit up... Oooh! I have cat-nip too... I'm wearing it in my false nose!

PAUL: (relieved)

That's a false nose? Well, that explains it... I didn't like to say just in case I was mistaken... Now listen... You go and put the kettle on and when you come back I will have a complete Christmas line-up for us - you'll need tea to keep your vocal-chords perky...

GORDON: (enthusiastic)

Well, I never... When I return I'll introduce you to Dolly like I promised...

PAUL: (sounding a little patronising)

FANTASTIC... Now run along...

GORDON:

I won't be five minutes... Well... Maybe five - after all the kettle takes at least 3 minutes to boil...

PAUL:

Sure! Sure... (mutters to the audience) Listeners, I still have no idea what we're going to do... Can't you suggest something? Let's delve into the archives or read a poem or something - give you a chance to think... Come on now - I'm depending on you!

SCENE 3

Midway through the episode - Gordon returns and this time he brings Dolly...

PAUL: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Dear-oh-dear, listeners... I'm running out of time - I've still got no ideas for what we should record - especially not on a Christmas theme - and now here comes Gordon...

GORDON: (enthused)

Hello! Are you ready to start? Dolly will be here in a minute,,, I was thinking that maybe you could ask me what my favourite Christmassy things are - I know it sounds pretty ordinary - but nobody has probably ever asked that of a crypt-keeper - so it might even play out as a first!

PAUL: (relieved)

Ah! Indeed... Yes! What a good idea! Let's do that...

GORDON: (keenly)

Oh! Here comes Dolly... Dolly! Over here, me dear...

DOLLY: (bluntly)

Hello, boney - how's you? Oooh. Who's ya friend? Why's he all wrapped up, like? I mean it's cold - but it's not that cold...

PAUL: (lost for words)

I... err... well...

GORDON: (affectionately)

Dolly! You daft thing... That's not a coat - that's his fur... He's a yeti...

PAUL: (slightly annoyed)

I'd like to add that I am wearing clothes - they're just a little hidden... I'm not standing here topless, you know... What kind of hussy yeti do you take me for?

GORDON: (sincerely)

Apologies... Of course not... Ah yes... I see it now... What a lovely tank-top...

PAUL: (curtly)

It's actually a waistcoat - but thank you all the same...

DOLLY: (slightly suspiciously)

A yeti, aye... That's very modern of you... What made you want to be a yeti?

PAUL: (attempting not to sound too annoyed)

It was always my ambition - but being born one helped...

DOLLY: (speaking at him as if he's old and deaf)

Oh... He's quick... Funny too... I said you're funny, Mr Yeti... Quite the wit...

GORDON: (speaking amongst themselves as if he can't hear)

He is very amusing, isn't he?

DOLLY: (in half-hearted agreement)

I guess so... Nice shoes too...

GORDON: (enthused)

They are kind of swanky, aren't they?

PAUL: (trying his very hardest to sound flattered)

So very kind... Very nice to meet you, Dolly... Did you... err... want to take part in our Christmas episode too?

DOLLY: (not sounding exactly enthusiastic, but trying to be helpful)

Well, I can tap-dance - depends whether you've brought any taps with you... Hey? Hey? 

GORDON: (clearly quite enamoured)

Oh, Dolly... You're such a giggle... Isn't she such a giggle, Mr Yeti?

PAUL: (politely)

Yes! Yes! She's a scream... 

GORDON: (suddenly ready to perform)

Will we be starting soon?

PAUL: (taken a little bit off-guard)

What? Oh... Yes... Definitely... But... errr... What about a costume for Dolly? Do you have anything suitable ready prepared? This may be a podcast but we still need costumes and after all you've made such a splendid effort yourself!

GORDON: (slightly embarrassed by his own failure here)

Oh! I completely forgot! How stupid of me! Come on Dolly... We need to get you suited and booted - you'll be alright as an elf won't you? (Dolly just mutters - not fully replying) Oh - and of course - I also need to get the reindeer into position; I need them to practice their dance steps... You will wait for us, won't you, yeti?

PAUL: (politely/relieved)

Of course! Yes... Don't rush... (turning back to listeners) Blimey, listeners... I suppose I better scribble something down by way of a script... Why don't you listen to this next bit and I'll get my thinking hat on!

SCENE 4

Paul is back - he is trying to sound keen, but speaks to the listeners first... In the background we hear Gordon doing vocal warm-ups! (please record these sounds and I'll dub them behind my lines!)

PAUL: (hurriedly)

Hello listeners! Oh dear... What a mess I've got myself into here... Still... Let's just not worry too much about this and simply forge forward... Gordon and Dolly will be back in a minute and we've just got to embrace the whole Christmas spirit - even though it's months past Christmas... They don't seem to know that for some reasons... Oh well! Let them have their fun, right!? We'll sing some carols - jingle some bells and maybe crack open a few ho, ho, hos... Listen? That's him doing his vocal warm-ups... He's so enthusiastic... I can't let him down can I?

There is suddenly a noise - an ouch... Something has gone wrong with Gordon's vocal warm-ups...

(concerned) Oh dear! What's happened now? That doesn't sound too good... Oh, here comes Dolly - I'm sure she'll have an explanation...

DOLLY: (apologetically)

We've got a problem... He's got himself into a bit of a tizzy...

GORDON: (croaks)

I'm so sorry, yeti... It's me voice... I've gone and over-done it!

PAUL: (confused)

You did what? What's happened exactly?

DOLLY: (matter-of-factly)

As I say, he got himself over excited... He was doing his vocal exercises and got himself wound up in the tinsel and only went and swallowed a bauble...

PAUL: (concerned)

Good grief! Is he alright?!

DOLLY: (not exactly sounding convinced by her own words)

Oh... He'll be fine... Eventually...

GORDON: (weakly)

Maybe you could come back when I'm feeling better...

DOLLY: (sympathetic but insistent)

I don't think there will be time, Gordon... You have work responsibilities and... well.., Christmas is Christmas, isn't it? By the time you're feeling better it'll be after Christmas... Maybe you can be involved next time, aye!?

GORDON: (slightly embarrassed)

Oh... Yeti... One million apologies... One million and one apologies...

PAUL: (trying not to reveal how relieved he is)

Oh... Don't worry about it Gordon, old fella... We'll sort it out... You have to be careful with baubles in future - they're very easy to swallow...

DOLLY: (in complete agreement, bluntly)

When you've got a gob as big as his it is, that's for sure...

GORDON: (sounding harassed)

DOLLY!!

PAUL: (not sounding very keen)

Oh dear... I mean if you still want to join in Dolly then I'm sure Gordon could still rattle a tambourine...

DOLLY: (distant)

No... Sorry... I don't think so... Thanks but no thanks... I've got 17 pair of socks to knit for the local badger Kung-fu and cream tea consortium... I'll never get finished if I stand around gassing all afternoon...

PAUL: (distracted, we hear Gordon muttering in reply)

Oh... Dear... Well... Right... (turning to the listeners) Well, listeners - this is a fine pickle - but it may just have gotten me out of tricky situation... (turning back to Gordon) What a shame about all this - I'm so sorry, Gordon... Did you swallow the bauble right down or is it stuck down there somewhere? Really? Oh, dear... How awkward... Have you tried doing the Conga? No... But it might be worth trying - get things moving a bit - you might perhaps shift it... Listeners... It's probably best if you go and listen to something from the archives... I'll speak to you again at the end... Alright... Thank you! Enjoy!

Gordon doesn't sound too impressed - we move on...

SCENE 5

Paul has already said goodbye to the listeners and the end titles have played - this last scene appears right at the end...

PAUL: (apologetically)

Oh, hello again... I can't believe I let myself be dragged into discussing Christmas when we're far closer to Easter! Apologies... I do hope you enjoyed the episode anyway... Oh, by the way - Gordon coughed up the bauble and is doing fine... Oh... Here he comes... Gordon! Feeling better?!

GORDON: (still rather croaky)

A lot better now, yes thank you... I must admit I do feel a bit embarrassed about spoiling your Christmas episode... I presume you'll be able to go on without me - I just don't think I'm going to be well enough in time...

PAUL:

No... No... That's fine... I quite understand... 

GORDON:

Maybe another time?

PAUL: (trying to show some keenness)

What about the Summer Special - we could do something for that, maybe...

GORDON: (concerned)

Good plan! Yes! You will tell the listeners that I really did swallow a bauble, won't you? I wouldn't want them thinking that I was only pretending - this is the trouble with audio; nobody can completely trust that what you're saying is actually real...

PAUL: (winding up the conversation)

Especially when it's the news... It's all put together by a bunch of R.A.D.A. students with stuck on side-burns and party hats apparently - they just make it up as they go along... (Gordon makes a shocked WOW noise) Anyway! The listeners will understand... Listen now, I better get on - I'll be in touch about some kind of future collaboration... Give my best wishes to Dolly... She's okay, I trust?

GORDON: (sounding slightly horrified)

She's okay - she's just spin-drying the Christmas decorations... We couldn't remember which of the baubles that I swallowed - it was just better to wash the whole lot of them...

PAUL: (trying not to sound too impatient)

Oh yes... I guess so... Well, now... We'll be in touch!

GORDON: (enthusiastic)

Excellent yeti... Happy Christmas...

PAUL: (keen, then with voice lowered)

Err, yeah... Happy Christmas... (turning back to the listeners) Well, listeners... It was nice to catch up with him anyway... I'm sure we'll see him again...

DOLLY RETURNS...

DOLLY: (her voice also lowered)

Has he gone?

GORDON: (confirming, his voice also lowered)

He's gone, yes indeed...

DOLLY: (hopeful)

So we don't have to keep pretending that we think it's Christmas...

GORDON: (relieved)

No, thank goodness... Poor fellow... I blame it on all those podcast episodes that he produces - it addles him...

DOLLY: (with regret)

Must do... It's understandable... Ah well... Hey... You don't think the listeners are still listening do you?

GORDON: (confident)

No... They'll have left when he did...

DOLLY:

Do you think? (pauses)

GORDON:

Hello? Listeners? (pauses) Nah... They've gone...

DOLLY: (perking up)

Time for a nice cup of tea then...

GORDON: (in agreement)

Splendid...

DOLLY: (slightly impatient)

Well, hurry up then...

GORDON: (apologetic)

Oh... Sorry... Bauble-injury... No, no... I'm fine...

DOLLY:

Hmm...

This script was written between Wednesday 3rd and Thursday 25th January 2018, with revisions made between 30th January and 6th March 2018

SHY YETI'S CHRISTMAS SCRIPT FOR 2017!!

GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE CHRISTMAS STAR!!

A Shy Yeti celebration of Christmas for 2017

CAST:

GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS
OLIVER LOUSE
SHY YETI
CHARLIE GRRR
IKK THE ALIEN
THE MAN FROM THE MANAGEMENT
THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS

Setting The Scene:

It is late afternoon, just before Christmas and we join Shy Yeti, Gladstone McWhiskers, Oliver Louse and Charlie Grrr who are busily swanning about the Christmas Market in Hyde Park. Charlie is causing all manner of disturbances, but this gives the other time to enjoy a mulled wine and to catch up. Both Gladstone and Ollie walk using electro-powered stilts - so they are all at the same height of a normal human-being rather than being lost in the crowd amongst busy feet! As they make their way through the market and the fairground people tip their caps at the three of them - clearly aware who they are - although they are definitely more interested in Gladstone than in Oliver or Shy Yeti.

SHY: (wistfully)

I can't believe it's Christmas again! One minute it's late Summer - next it's Halloween followed by my birthday and suddenly... Christmas week! BOOM!

GLADSTONE: (knowingly/in agreement)

You're not wrong there, Yeti...

OLLIE: (concerned)

I hear your birthday wasn't exactly a success this year... You must be upset - I know how much you love to celebrate it!

SHY: (playing it cool)

Oh... I'm over it now, but yes... I got myself locked in a basement in a spooky old mansion in the country... I was meant to be going to Italy, but it simply didn't happen for me...

OLLIE: (supportive)

What a shame... You doing alright now, mate?

SHY: (still very casual)

Oh yes... For sure... Water under the bridge...

OLLIE: (making polite conversation)

Which city had you planned on heading to?

SHY: (chuckling a little)

Verona... Never been before... Still haven't been - at least I have, but only in my imagination...

OLLIE: (lowering his tone, in confidence)

Sometimes you just can't beat a good imaginary holiday... I take them all the time - working for this one who doesn't much like to vacation you bloomin' well have to!

GLADSTONE: (sounding hurt, but not really meaning it)

Now! Now! That isn't true and you know it, Oliver! You should come with us to Venice next time we go... Do you know it?

SHY: (a little over-enthusiastically)

Do I know, Venice!?! Do I ever! It's only my every favourite place EVER!

OLLIE: (encouragingly)

Then you really should come next time...

GLADSTONE: (in agreement)

Absolutely!

SHY: (keenly, but growing distracted)

I WILL! Now... (looking around the busy fairground in front of them) Where exactly are we meant to be meeting Charlie!?

OLLIE: (looking around)

Is there a pie stall here? There must be!

SHY: (still a little O.T.T.)

Mince pies, surely - it's Christmas after all...

GLADSTONE: (calmly)

Let's go and take a look around...

THEY HAVEN'T GONE FAR WHEN THEY HEAR A COMMOTION - AT FIRST THEY IGNORE IT AND THEN THEY BEGIN TO RECOGNISE THE VOICE - THE FIGURE CAUSING ALL THE FUSS IS NONE OTHER THAN CHARLIE GRRR...

(intrigued/dismayed) Good gracious! What is going on now?

OLLIE: (lowering his voice)

We can keep walking, if you prefer boss - it's not like he's our responsiblility...

SHY: (keenly)

Oh! And miss all the action!? Surely not...

GLADSTONE: (with a sigh)

I wouldn't put it quite that way... But you're right - he kind of is my responsibility - maybe I can settle him down a bit and sort out whatever the problem is...

OLLIE: (solemn)

I hope you don't regret trying, boss...

GLADSTONE: (sadly)

Oh... It usually pays off in the end, at least for a while - but then only a few days down the line we're back to square one and there's some new issue that he's caused rearing its ugly head...

SHY: (with a grin at the memory)

Sometimes literally! Remember the time he invited Nessie down to London for the weekend?

OLLIE: (also chuckling)

Don't let him hear you calling him ugly... Sorry, boss!

GLADSTONE: (wincing)

Hmmm... I don't think there's any worry of that occasion - Nessie has long since gone home, but yes - I do remember it well!

SHY: (apologetically)

I must say, I do feel partly responsible for that as it was some of my team who had been hunting for Nessie in the first place... Of course when I say "hunting" I mean that in the kindest and most sociable way possible, you understand...

GLADSTONE: (with understanding)

Of course - I don't doubt it for a minute...

OLLIE LOOKS AS IF HE MIGHT BE THINKING OF SAYING SOMETHING BUT THEN GETS DISTRACTED, FOR THEY ARE NOW QUITE CLOSE TO A STALL WHERE IT SEEMS THAT CHARLIE IS CAUSING A COMMOTION - IN FACT HE APPEARS TO BE ATTEMPTING TO DRUM UP TRADE FOR ONE OF HIS MANY CREATIVE PROJECTS... HE HAS EVEN SET UP A STALL AND HAS A RANGE OF HIS WARES THERE - ONLY APPARENTLY HE HADN'T CLEARED THIS WITH THE MANAGEMENT OF THE CHRISTMAS MARKET AND A NUMBER OF THE STALL HOLDERS ARE NOT BEST PLEASED AS HE SEEMS TO HAVE STOLEN THEIR THUNDER AND THE VISITORS TO THE MARKET ARE CROWDING AROUND THE BEAR RATHER THAN THEIR STALLS THAT ARE SELLING MULLED WINE, MINCE PIES AND OTHER CHRISTMAS-RELATED NICK-NACKS...

GLADSTONE: (with frustration)

Will somebody please tell me exactly what is going on here!?!

CHARLIE: (oblivious to any trouble that he may be causing)

Oh! Gladstone! How good to see you?! Ah! Shy! Oliver... What a splendid welcoming committee...

SHY: (trying to remain positive)

Afternoon, Charlie... What are you up to now?

CHARLIE: (proudly)

Just trying to give my public a little seasonal performance that's all...

OLLIE: (mutters)

Whilst offering them a range of Charlie Grrr-related merchandising at the same time...

CHARLIE: (matter-of-factly)

Well, of course - it would be remiss of me to show up for such an occasion and not to have anything of mine to sell them... My audience requires t-shirts, albums, dvds and blu-rays...

SHY: (trying to come up with as silly examples as he can manage)

Monogrammed pie-shaped cuff-links - personally paw-autographed extra glossy photo-album and uniquely poseable Charlie Grrr holographic fondu-set...

CHARLIE: (enthused)

Well yes, exactly... Of course! Although I'd not thought of that last one - I really must write it down!

GLADSTONE: (calmly but sternly)

Yes, well that is all very well - but you do realise that you should have gotten approval from the management here to actually do this - you need a special permit like all the other stall-holders here...

MANAGEMENT MAN: (quietly furious)

You can't just wander in here selling your trinkets - not without arranging it financially with ourselves...

CHARLIE: (very magnanimously)

No! No! It's fine... I am willing to waive any fee - you do not need to pay me anything...

GLADSTONE: (speaking low but informatively)

I suspect Mr... The gentleman here was rather expecting YOU to pay HIM for being here...

CHARLIE: (shocked/disbelieving)

Goodness! How preposterous! I am giving him free publicity... What more could he want? All these people here (he indicates the crowd) have been tweeting and posting photos on their instagram accounts telling their friends and family all about this little market of yours...

MANAGEMENT MAN: (outraged)

Begging you pardon, Mister Grrr, but we get thousands of tourists every year - quite probably millions and we have done so without your help up until now, I'll have you know... We're in the very centre of London... We have no need for additional publicity, thank you very much...

CHARLIE: (scoffing)

What nonsense! You're clearly being deliberately humorous - or you think you are... Well alas, I can tell you it isn't in any way amusing...

SHY/OLLIE: (unnerved)

Oh dear...

GLADSTONE: (attempting to intervene)

Well now... I'm sure we can sort this matter out...

CHARLIE: (disgruntled)

I don't know that there's time right now... I was hoping to sing my dance version of "Twinkle! Twinkle, Little Star..." but the star has already arrived...

SHY: (confused)

The star has WHAT!?

OLLIE: (surprised yet enlightened)

THE STAR HAS ARRIVED!! LOOK! UP IN THE SKY!?!

THEY ALL LOOK - AS DO THE PEOPLE MAKING UP THE CROWD AND SURE ENOUGH DESCENDING TOWARDS THEM IS WHAT LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE A STAR - ALTHOUGH ON CLOSER INSPECTION IT ACTUALLY RESEMBLES A BADLY DECORATED SPACE CRAFT INTENDED TO LOOK LIKE A STAR... EVERYONE SEEMS QUITE ASTONISHED BUT THEY  ARE BUSILY TAKING PHOTOS... STILL... SHY SOON RECOGNISES THE VEHICLE...

CHARLIE: (with his most impressive booming growl)

THE CHRISTMAS STAR HAS ARRIVED!!

GLADSTONE: (intrigued)

Most curious...

OLLIE: (impressed)

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL!!?

MANAGEMENT MAN: (dismayed/thinking practically)

GOOD GRIEF!! THIS IS A HEALTH AND SAFETY NIGHTMARE AND NO MISTAKE!!!

OLLIE: 

What's up Shy? You look a bit non-plussed...

SHY: (keen to explain)

Oh... It's okay... It's just that I recognise the space ship... It belongs to one of my colleagues from the podcast... Ikk... You may have heard him on the show - I'm not sure that you've ever met...

OLLIE: (nervously)

No... Oh... Goodness... What's he doing here?

SHY: (disapproving)

Well, he's a sweet fellow - but sometimes far too naive and easily lead... I suspect that Charlie has talked him into doing this in exchange for... well, goodness knows what - probably nothing at all... Ikk likes to be helpful - he wouldn't demand anything if he thought he was doing Charlie a favour...

CHARLIE: (boomingly)

SHHH NOW! SHHH! MAKE WAY FOR THE CHRISTMAS STAR!!!

THE CROWDS STAND BACK - ALLOWING THE STAR/SPACE CRAFT TO LAND AMONGST THE MARKET STALLS - AFTER A MOMENT OR TWO A DOORWAY APPEARS FROM BEHIND SOME TINSEL THAT HAD BEEN COVERING THE ENTRANCE AND IKK - A FRIENDLY LOOKING ALIEN WEARING A SANTA CLAUS COSTUME AND RATHER TOO MUCH GLITTER EMERGES... EVERYBODY APPLAUDS - EVEN THE MAN FROM MANAGEMENT WHO HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN SO OUTRAGED...

IKK: (in his familiar high voice)

Hello everyone... My name is Santa Cuuuulause... I really shouldn't be here yet as it's not yet Christmas Day... I'm just here to say hello though and to pick up my good friend Charlie Grrr - to take him back to Beargrrria...

GLADSTONE: (grateful, chuckling)

Now that is an eventuality that I can get behind and fully support...

OLLIE: (slightly over-come)

Is that really Santa? REALLY-REALLY!?

SHY: (grinning, with affection)

Well, of course not - no... I told you... It's my colleague, Ikk... Charlie is just using him to transport all his purchases and whatnot back to his home to save having to post everything...

RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT A FLEET OF VANS BEGIN TO PULL UP - EACH WITH THE LOGO OF A VERY EXPENSIVE LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE STAMPED ON THE SIDE...

OLLIE: (surprised)

You're RIGHT!

SHY: (with mock offence)

Of course I'm RIGHT!!

GLADSTONE: (sympathetically)

Of course he is - Shy knows Charlie Grrr ALMOST as well as we do!

MEANWHILE, CHARLIE IS BUSY GETTING ALL HIS SHOPPING TRANSFERRED FROM THE VANS INTO THE SPACE SHIP - WHILST ALSO WAVING TO THE CROWD AND SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS... IKK LOOKS A LITTLE STAR-STRUCK BY ALL THE ATTENTION - BUT IS ALSO QUITE ENJOYING THE THEATRICS OF THE MOMENT...

You know what everybody... I think we can just let Charlie and Ikk deal with this matter... We're not required here...

OLLIE: (disappointed)

Oh... You mean we don't get to ride on the rocket ship...

GLADSTONE: (horrified)

NO! We do NOT get to ride on the rocket ship...

SHY: (lowering his voice)

I've done it... It's nothing to write home about - but don't tell Ikk I said that...

GLADSTONE: (chuckling)

You know I think I've seen quite enough of the market... I believe we should leave Charlie to his audience and go and get ourselves an afternoon tea - maybe even a cocktail...

SHY: (beaming)

I like your plan...

OLLIE: (wiggling his mandibles about excitedly)

I can't deny that I like the sound of that very much too...

CHARLIE: (disappointedly noting that they are departing)

YOU'RE NOT GOING, ARE YOU? I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SING...

SHY: (mutters)

Just keep walking - pretend you don't hear him...

GLADSTONE: (in agreement)

Good idea... Hurry along, Oliver...

OLLIE: (glad to be going)

You're two are so cruel - although it's probably for the best... I really don't think my ears deserve the torture of having to listen to one of Charlie's tunes about how marvellous he is - they really don't!

CHARLIE: (calling after them)

HEY! GUYS! HEEEEEY!

BUT GLADSTONE, SHY AND OLLIE KEEP WALKING AND WE LEAVE CHARLIE, IKK AND THE CROWDS OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS ENJOYING THEMSELVES AT THE CHRISTMAS MARKET - EVEN THE MAN FROM MANAGEMENT IS POSING FOR A PHOTO WITH THE INFAMOUS BEAR WHICH LOOKS LIKELY TO APPEAR IN THE EVENING PAPERS...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS BLOG READERS!! THANK YOU FOR READING!! BEST WISHES FOR 2018!! YETI HUGS, PAUL THE SHY YETI! XXX

The idea for this script was conjured up on 12th October and was written between the 13th and 20th of December 2017, with a little tinkering right up until the day of posting. This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - BROCANTE'S RETURN!!!

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR THATPETERG FOR A NEW EPISODE...

This script is between Shy Yeti (Paul) and infamous antiques dealer, Brocante who Paul had dealings with back in episode 100 when he was middle man between Bettina Du Pres and Aunt Tappie when a present or two was required. This time, however - Paul is calling for a quite different reason. These scenes will feature during another episode - as yet undecided, to be released early (ish) in 2018.

SCENE 1 (OF 3) - EARLY IN THE EPISODE

BROCANTE: (politely)

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY: (almost nervously at first)

Hello? I'm not sure if you'll remember me...

BROCANTE: 

Ah yes! Mister Shy Yeti from Old London Town... How nice of you to call...

SHY: (surprised)

Goodness! How did you know it was me!?

BROCANTE: (with regret)

I'm telepathic... Actually no... If you want the truth you're the only person who ever calls here - literally the phone hasn't rung since you called during episode 100...

SHY: (surprised)

Good grief, really? That's almost ??? episodes ago now!

BROCANTE: (moving on - trying to sound helpful)

I know... It's a shame, but true... I've learnt to live with it... Anyway, what can I do for you, Mr Yeti? Are you on the look out for another delightful antique bargain?

SHY: (uncertain)

Well... I am and I'm not...

BROCANTE: (curious)

Would you care to explain?

SHY: (politely)

Well, I'd love to hear of any bargains that you may have to offer - but I am also curious to know whether you also buy antiques - should I have something of interest to your business...

BROCANTE: (warming to the subject)

Well now... That certainly leaves me curious... As it happens I might be interested - depending on what it is that you have to sell...

SHY:

Ah, well - let's hear what YOU have to sell first... I'm curious now... Anything exciting?

BROCANTE:

Oh yes, sir... Plenty... Let me see... I should probably let you in on a few movers and shakers for the 2018 Spring catalogue... Do you think?

SHY: (enthusiastically)

Oh yes! Yes, please!

BROCANTE: (completely seriously)

I'm sure what your thoughts are re: neck-warmers for giraffes - because we have a lovely set of those in some rather unusual some-might-say unsavoury colours; dating back to the late 1990s...

SHY: (surprised)

My goodness! I take it they've been well-looked after...

BROCANTE: (attempting to do his best sales pitch for the item)

Most definitely... They've never been used - they were stitched by my niece, Wanda when she was abducted by aliens back in '93 and all they would let her do was knit scarves... and the odd hat...

SHY:

Oooh... My friend Brenda's really into hat-making - she's a whizz with a bobble...

BROCANTE:

It's a dying art - it really is... I do hope your friend wasn't also kidnapped by aliens...

SHY:

Oh... No... I don't think so, no...

BROCANTE:

I'm glad to hear it... Of course when Wanda returned from the stars she simply didn't have the heart to give them away, except that she needed the money to bail her husband out when the aliens came back again 15 years later... He was hopeless with the knitting and so in his case the space people simply demanded money to return him...

SHY:

Goodness! I was kidnapped by aliens a while ago now - it was the making of me though... No obtrusive probing and I met some lovely alien gentlemen who are now amongst my best friends...

BROCANTE:

Alas Wanda wasn't so lucky... Returning to our original topic of conversation - I can send you photos of the scarves if you think you'd be interested...

SHY:

Oh, I'm definitely interested... The only thing that concerns me is the colour of them - you described the colour as... unsavoury - that's a very odd way to describe something that you are trying to get someone to buy...

BROCANTE:

I guess so... Although I don't suppose you really ought to eat them - so in which case they ARE unsavoury... Alien wool comes from alien cows and alien cows are grumpy at the best of times - not to mention the odd things that they eat...

SHY: (not liking the sound of that)

Oh... Oh! I'm not sure I want to think about this too much... So what was the actual colour of the scarves again?

BROCANTE:

Red... A sort of... dried blood kind of colour...

SHY:

Oh...

BROCANTE:

It would go very well with your eyes, sir...

SHY:

My eyes are blue...

BROCANTE:

Exactly! Red and blue go very well together...

SHY:

And how much are you charging for these things?

BROCANTE:

I'll send you a quote and then you can call me back and let me know your thoughts...

SHY: (in agreement)

Alright... Do you still have my email address...

BROCANTE:

Yes, sir... Probably... Do consider my offer won't you - I'll keep them reserved for you - but do be aware that there is quite a waiting list...

SHY:

Really?

BROCANTE:

No, sir... That was just wishful thinking... Goodbye now...

SHY:

Oh...

THE PHONE FALLS SILENT AND SHY YETI IS LEFT WAITING FOR THIS QUOTE - HAVING RATHER FORGOTTEN WHY HE CALLED IN THE FIRST PLACE... 

SCENE 2 (OF 3) - MID-WAY THROUGH THE EPISODE

BROCANTE: (politely, kinda blah, blah, blah)

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY: (enthusiastically)

Hello? It's me, again - Shy Yeti... We've spoken before...

BROCANTE: (vaguely)

Really? Are you sure? No, you must be mistaken... I'm pretty sure I'd remember talking to a yeti; shy or otherwise!

SHY:

I'm the yeti from England... I bought the antique badger hats... You remembered me when I called before - earlier this episode; you were telling me about scarves for giraffes...

BROCANTE: (like.. no... who are you?)

Hmm... It's not ringing any bells...

SHY:

They were the colour of err... dried blood... The scarves, I mean - not the giraffes!

BROCANTE: (enlightened)

OOOOOH! The blood-red scarves for giraffes - why didn't you say so? Mr Yeti! Of course, it's you! No need to be so mysterious - it's most splendid to hear from you... How can I help you?

SHY:

Well, do you remember that you sent me a quote... For the scarves...

BROCANTE:

Ah, okay... Remind me... What did I quote you?

SHY:

Shakespeare... "To be or not to be..."

BROCANTE:

Oh! Yes! That's a good one, isn't it, sir!?! Everyone likes that one...

SHY:

Err... Yeah...

BROCANTE:

So, now - is there anything else I can help you with? Would you like another quote? Something from an old Audrey Hepburn movie, perhaps - or The Best Of Woody Allen...

SHY: (delicately)

That would be splendid... Thank you... Only I have something that I'd like to ask you first...

BROCANTE:

Of course, sir... Go ahead... I'm all ears...

SHY:

Aha! Well, I don't know if you know this - but I do a podcast...

BROCANTE:

I'm afraid I have no idea what a podcast is, sir - I don't even own a television set...

SHY:

It's like a radio show...

BROCANTE: (trying to sound as if he is beginning to know what is going on)

I vaguely know what you are referring to - and you are the keeper of your very own "radio pod-cast" are you?

SHY:

I am, yes - and on that show I have a cast of characters who help me out...

BROCANTE:

How odd, sir? Who are these... characters if I may be so curious...

SHY:

Oh, Yeti Uncle John - we're related... Ikk - he's an alien... Cromitty - he's a slightly erratic mad-ish professor... Bettina Du Pres - a socialite of uncertain means... Dameus Twinklehorn - an actor and eccentric... Charlie Grrr - a bear celebrity... There are others - but those are the main ones...

BROCANTE: (unsure)

I see... Fascinating, sir... But how does this concern me?

SHY:

Well... It's just... You know... I kind of wondered how much they might be WORTH...

BROCANTE:

I'm sorry? How much they might be worth WHERE, sir?!

SHY: (helpfully)

In your shop... I thought you might be able to value them - tell me how much you might be able to sell them for on the celebrity marketplace... I could maybe trade them in, perhaps - get myself a new cast for episode one hundred and fifty... You know... A new year - a new cast - a bit of spring-cleaning around the old show... Things like that...

BROCANTE:

Hmm... Yes, I see your point, sir... It makes sense; mix things up a little bit... Fresh blood and all that!

SHY:

So? Is it something that you can help me with, perhaps?

BROCANTE:

Hmm... I need to think about it... Believe it or not this wouldn't be the first time this had happened - that Ricky from The Foul Monkeys podcast sells off his co-stars on a regular basis and I've been able to give him quite a good price for them too - helps him to buy new material for the show...

SHY: (hopeful)

That's what I'd heard - SOOOOooooooo - I just wondered...

BROCANTE: (being helpful)

Listen... I'll call you back... Within the hour... I promise, you... Stay by the phone...

SHY: (enthused)

Oh! How exciting...

BROCANTE RINGS OFF LEAVING SHY HOLDING THE PHONE LOOKING ONE PART ENTHUSIASTIC - ONE PART CONFUSED... WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!?!

SCENE 3 (OF 3) RIGHT AT THE END OF THE EPISODE

BROCANTE: (politely, almost bored sounding)

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY: (trying not to sound too disappointed)

Hello! It's me again - Shy Yeti... We spoke earlier... You said you were going to call me back, but I never heard from you and now the episode is almost over - I wondered whether I might have missed your call!!

BROCANTE:

Shy WHO sir?

SHY: (grumpy)

SHY YETI! FROM LONDON! WE'VE DONE BUSINESS...

BROCANTE: (coy)

Oh, sir... I'm blushing...

SHY: (embarrassed)

No! No, not like that, silly... I bought the badger hats and we were speaking before about the possibility of me selling some of my regular cast members to you as antiques or somesuch...

BROCANTE: (enlightened)

OH! SHY yeti... Why didn't you say? Of course I remember you!

SHY: (relieved)

Thank goodness... I was beginning the think that I was talking to someone with the memory of a gold fish...

BROCANTE:

Not to my knowledge, sir...

SHY:

Oh, well... I'm glad... So... Had you thought about my suggestion? I emailed you some profiles of the regular cast who appears on my podcast in the hope that you could price them up... They're quite a mixed and interesting bunch - from a bear celebrity to a... mad scientist isn't a term that I like to use...

BROCANTE: (a little vague)

I do recall... Isn't one of them a cute little alien with a high squeaky voice?

SHY:

Yes... Yes... Lovely Ikk... To be honest he's the one that I'd be most reluctant to part with...

BROCANTE:

I can see why - but he's probably the one that other podcasters would be most keen to trade you for...

SHY: (catching on)

Ah! Trade, you say... Do you mean like how football clubs swap their players around...

BROCANTE:

Exactly that... To be honest I really don't think you'll get much for them as antiques - but on the other hand I'm pretty sure a talent agency would be keen to take them off your hands...

SHY:

Talent, you say? Oh... Yes... I suppose so... I never really thought of them in terms of actually having talent... I'm sorry... I've wasted your time, haven't I?

BROCANTE: (encouraging)

No... No.. Not at all... It just so happens - that as well as owning an antique shop I also RUN a talent agency - so I'm pretty sure that we can do business... However one of the criteria of doing a deal will be that you agree to take my useless man-servant Igor as a work experience student on your podcast...

SHY:

Oh... Well... Yes... Okay, then... No problem...

BROCANTE: (doing his best sales-pitch)

Don't worry... He's quite easy to look after... He sleeps on the ceiling and will keep your home free of spiders and other creepy-crawlies by kindly eating them all for you...

IGOR: (excitedly)

Me Igor! Me love spiders! Tasty! Tasty! Tell him about the bunny rabbits, master... I like their lovely ears...

BROCANTE: (distracted)

Shhh now, Igor... I'm trying to speak... So, Mr Yeti - what do you say? Is it a deal!?

SHY: (hopeful)

That sounds perfect... So you think we'll make some money from trying to trade my regulars on the open podcast-host market, then?

BROCANTE:

Oh yes... I'm pretty sure that you'll make at least ONE BILLION POUNDS... (he laughs stagely)

SHY:

Oooh 'eck! I like the sound of that...

SUDDENLY WE HEAR ANOTHER VOICE - IT IS YETI UNCLE JOHN...

YETI UNCLE JOHN: (irritatedly)

Oi! Yeti! Wake up! You're dreaming! You've a podcast to edit...

SHY: (sleepily)

Oh! What? Did I drop off...

YETI UNCLE JOHN:

You were mumbling something about the podcast, but I couldn't work out what you were talking about...

SHY:

Oh... Alright then... Sorry... Let me just get myself together and then I'll get on with the editing... I just need to make a quick phone call...

YETI UNCLE JOHN:

Alright... Well, don't take too long, will you?

SHY:

No! No... Of course not... (he thinks of minute and then mutters to himself as he dials a number) Hmm... That dream has given me an awesome idea...

BROCANTE: (politely)

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY:

Hello! Hello... It's ME, Shy Yeti! Do I have an deal for you... Now listen to this...

THE MUSIC SWELLS TO A PEAK AND THE EPISODE CONCLUDES...

This script was written between the 25th October and 28th November 2017, with further rewriting done up until 7th December 2017.

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - A COSY CHAT WITH DEADIEGRAMS!!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 
CATCHING WITH DEADIEGRAMS...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF TASTES LIKE BURNING...

Dear Tim,

This is probably going to be a dream sequence to be used in one of our episodes in late December...

I thank you.

Mr Yeti :)

YETI: (a little sleepy)

Hello, listeners - I've just been having a bit of a day dream... Those of you who have listened to the show for a while will remember all the lovely guests that I've had on the podcast but there's one who I spoke to in... well, rather odd circumstances... You may remember her...

FLASHBACK TO DEADIEGRAMS PREVIOUS APPEARANCE AND THEN RETURN TO NOW...

Do you recall? She was quite a presence... Sometimes when I think about future shows I imagine what it would be like if we met again in better circumstances - you know, for a cosy chat... I think it would be lovely... (his voice begins to echo) lovely... LOVELY... L-O-V-E-L-Y...

WE NOW ENTER MR YETI'S IMAGINATION - WE ARE LISTENING TO SOME KIND OF EXTRA FANCY VERSION OF THE PODCAST - MR YETI IS MORE ANIMATED THAN USUAL...

YETI: (very jolly)

Heeeeeey! Listeners.... How are you?

THERE IS APPLAUSE...

Lovely!

DEADIEGRAMS: (rather less enthusiastic)

Hello, trollface...

YETI: (correcting her, politely)

Shy Yeti...

DEADIEGRAMS: (still quite dismissive)

Whatever... This sofa's a little tatty - but I don't suppose in matters when you're 100% audio...

YETI: (still taking her comments with good humour)

Ha! You're not wrong, Deadiegrams...

DEADIEGRAMS: (slightly more friendly)

Call me D-grams... My people are trying to get me to rebrand - to be honest I'm not sure there's much point! Afterall you can't teach a dead dog new tricks...

YETI: (awkwardly)

Well, it's lovely to have you here, Deadie - I mean, D-grams... You're looking well, considering...

DEADIEGRAMS: (doing her best to show interest)

Charmed, I'm sure... I see you got back from the other-side - not many people manage that...

YETI: (enthusiastically)

Oh well, I met a nice statue who pointed me in the right direction of the bus station...

DEADIEGRAMS:

You should come back in the spring when the new plants start to grow...

YETI:

Ahhh... Daffodils?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Venice fly-traps... Deadly nightshade... Giant man-eating succulents...

YETI: (surprised)

Oh! How... unconventional... You should open your own garden centre...

DEADIEGRAMS: (bemused)

Why EVER would I want to do that? I have oceans of agony to advise on...

YETI: (still attempting to remain upbeat)

Of course... Which is exactly what I wanted to ask you about... In your long career what is it about your job that you love the most?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a chuckle)

Pay day, sweetie... That's what everybody says, surely...

YETI: (taken aback)

You get pay day? Even... now...

DEADIEGRAMS: (sounding quite impatient)

Why, of course - you don't think I do this job for free do you? Have you flipped?! No... I'm paid like anybody else... Sure, there's a little more ectoplasm on the notes than you'd normally find on the notes residing in your wallet - but I find it keeps the moths company...

YETI IS ABOUT TO ASK ANOTHER QUESTION WHEN THERE IS THE SOUND OF SUDDEN COUGHING AND YETI NOTICES THAT THEY ARE BEING OVERHEARD BY ONE OF HIS PODCAST REGULARS; YETI UNCLE JOHN. HOWEVER DEADIEGRAMS SEEMS QUITE TAKEN WITH HIS ARRIVAL...

(curious/positive) Well... Hello, dearie... Now WHO exactly are YOU!

YETI: (slightly less than enthusiastic)

Err... This is Yeti Uncle John... He's family...

DEADIEGRAMS: (confused)

I'm sorry, furface - is that a euphemism?

YETI: (snappily)

Err... No... Well, I'm not sure, actually - we don't really talk about stuff like that... I'm sorry, D-grams - I'll just find out what he wants... (turning away crossly) Yeti Uncle John! What do you want, exactly? I'm right in a middle of an interview with a very important guest...

JOHN: (grumpily)

Yes... Yes... We know that...

YETI: (mildly horrified)

WE!?!

JOHN: (irritated)

Yes! WE! US! The regulars! YOUR regulars - or had you forgotten us!?

YETI: (calming/playing vague/teasing)

Errr... Maybe slightly... You are kind of forgettable... (pause) I'm JOKING!

DEADIEGRAMS: (interrupting)

Oh, go on... Let them ask me questions... It could be fun... They might be cuter than you...

YETI: (lost for words)

I... I... I...

JOHN: (excitable)

See! She's keen! Let's chat, lady! It would be a pleasure! What's you're favourite flavour of ice cream?

DEADIEGRAMS: (leisurely, but like it's a positive thing)

Despair... with mainly just a hint of desperation...

JOHN: (enjoying the conversation)

Oooh... I think I know that taste... It's a bit rich for me - but I respect your choice there; pretty heavy duty! Okay... Next question - which do you prefer - being alive or being dead?

DEADIEGRAMS: (flamboyantly)

What a stupid question - being dead is far more fun... Of course it is!

JOHN: (curious)

Sure... I thought as much... But what are the best bits about being dead?

DEADIEGRAMS: (chuckles)

The long weekends...

JOHN: (sounding a little pleased with himself)

Cool... And my final question - which is your favourite Beatle?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Dung! Every time - no competition... I admire their work ethic... Is that it? (John mumbles in the affirmative) Well, good... (flirtily) Maybe I'll see you later for a little drinky...

JOHN: (nervously)

Oh... Err... I... Yes... Well, thank you, now... Oi, Ikk... It's your turn now...

IKK: (with enthusiasm)

Oooh! How exciting... Hello Deadiegrams - it's lovely to meet you...

DEADIEGRAMS: (surprised, an emotion she rarely experiences)

Wow! What the hell have you come as, sweetcheeks...

IKK: (pleased/excited)

Ha! I'm just here as myself...

DEADIEGRAMS: (relaxing)

Don't tell me... You're one of those alien-types, right?

IKK: (politely)

Yes, sir... Yes, sir, I am...

SHY YETI: (whispers)

Say yes, maam, Ikk - not sir...

DEADIEGRAMS: (laid back)

Sir, is just fine by me... I've always felt I had the authority of a sir...

IKK:

Absolutely, sir...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Go ahead little Martian fellow... What is your question?

IKK: (thinking about it very carefully before asking)

Where is the strangest place you have ever eaten Chinese food...

DEADIEGRAMS: (pondering)

Well, sweetcheeks - now that's a extremely good question!

IKK: (full of respect)

Thank you, your honour... So what would your answer be?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with certainty, having considered it)

Probably on the end of Blackpool Pier dressed in nothing more than a top hat and Christmas decorations - it was... oh... summer 1973 and I was mistaken for a glam rocker when actually I was simply on the way to a friend's wedding and had taken the wrong turning just off Spaghetti Junction...

IKK: (pleased)

That's a good answer, D-Grams... Was the food good or can't you remember?

DEADIEGRAMS: (enthusiastically)

It was absolutely fantabulous... The best I ever had...

IKK: (moving on)

Thank you... Cromitty is next if you're willing to answer another question or two...

DEADIEGRAMS: (encouraging)

Why, of COURSE!!! Do step up... Thank you for your question, Tricky Ikky... It brought back good memories...

IKK GIGGLES AND CROMITTY STEPS UP TO ASK THE NEXT QUESTION...

Ah now! You're a curious one... Cromitty, is it? C-R-O-M-I-T-T-Y...

CROMITTY: (respectful)

Yes, miss... Exactly that! Ever so pleased to meet you...

DEADIEGRAMS: (on the very edge of impatience)

And you have a question for me? What flavour question exactly?

CROMITTY: (sounding quite serious)

I have scientific leanings and so my queries are along those lines...

DEADIEGRAMS: (hurriedly)

Ask away...

CROMITTY:

What is your favourite Cuppa Soup?

DEADIEGRAMS: (calmly)

Regret... With extra croutons... And yours?

CROMITTY:

I am very partial to a mixture of belly button fluff and dust - inspired by recipes handed down in our family on my grandmother's side of the family.

DEADIEGRAMS: (not sounding too much like she means it)

Fascinating... You must share the recipe with me...

CROMITTY:

I will indeed... One more question if you've time...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Of course, honeylumps - as your first question was so brief...

CROMITTY:

What is your favourite variety of science?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Hmmm... That's a harder one... Maybe biology with just a smattering of chemistry... I can't be doing with Physics - so don't ask me... Afterall we all know that the world is flat and there is no such thing as gravity!

CROMITTY:

Why, of course... Thank you, dear lady... Dameus... Are you ready to ask your question?

DAMEUS: (trying not to sound too nervous)

I am... Very much so...

CROMITTY: (prompting)

Then ask away, good sir Twinklehorn...

DEADIEGRAMS: (curious)

Twinklehorn, you say? Not one of the Twinklehorn's of New Hampshire, by any chance?

DAMEUS:

Not myself, no - but I do have connections out that way, I believe...

DEADIEGRAMS: (almost affectionately)

How fascinating... I once had flirtations with a New Hampshire Twinklehorn - I daren't even guess how long ago now - but you definitely have the family nose...

DAMEUS:

So, I'm told, Madame... So I'm told...

DEADIEGRAMS:

So... What might your question be?

DAMEUS:

Well, I'm an actor you see - and I wondered whether you'd ever tried acting yourself at all?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a chuckle)

Every day, darling... With my husband! Need I say any more?

DAMEUS: (embarrassed)

Oh! Golly! Good gracious! No! I get your point!

DEADIEGRAMS:

Still... Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh... He has been dead for 173 years...  But then I'm not far behind him and I'm absolutely fine...

DAMEUS:

Fine... Absolutely perfect... Errr... Yes... Good grief! What IS his problem?

DEADIEGRAMS: (growing distant / vague)

Believe me! I've contemplated that endlessly over the years... Hmm... The more I look at you - the more you remind me of him... (Dameus gives a little gasp!) Okay! Okay... There's nothing more to see here - do I have any more questions?

YETI:

It depends... Our Beargrrrian chum, Charlie Grrr is here... Do you answer questions about pies?

WE HEAR CHARLIE MUTTERING AND GRUMBLING ABOUT "PIES... PIES... PIES..." IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT DEADIEGRAMS DOES NOT SOUND TOO IMPRESSED...

DEADIEGRAMS: (making herself quite clear)

NO questions about pies... If I can't eat them then WE can't discuss them... The last pie I tried to eat turned out to be made of ectoplasm - and believe me - that's no fun at all! So? Are we done?

BETTINA: (urgently, out of breath)

Darling! Darling! One million kisses! One million and one kisses! Do you have time for just one more? So sorry, I'm late...

DEADIEGRAMS: (patiently)

I've never been known to say no to "just one more..." Go on dearie... What are you asking?

BETTINA: (over-the-top)

Most grateful... My name's Bettina Du Pres...

DEADIEGRAMS: (almost excited)

Darling! I know that! Everyone knows you - even the dead!

BETTINA:

Oh... Honey! So kind... I'm so flattered...

DEADIEGRAMS: (trying to hide some of her excitement)

How can I help!? I'm such a fan... How very exciting the meet you... Shh now... I'm not meant to enthuse so - but I'd be most grateful to answer your question - although I feel I should be asking you one!

BETTINA: (lowering her voice as she confesses)

Then do, darling! Please do... Actually... I need your advice on men... I'm a part-time, poorly used agony aunt and yet sometimes that is the one thing I need from other people; a listening ear!

DEADIEGRAMS: (with empathy)

Men! Oh... Aren't they just dreadful creatures - I can assure you they're no better behaved dead than they are alive!

BETTINA: (sad)

Why aren't I even surprised?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Still... I'm not sure I can offer you advice, but I can share my experiences - we can swap notes, I'm sure!

BETTINA: (impressed)

Delightful! That would be absolutely perfect!

AS THE TWO BEGIN TO CHATTER SHY YETI COMES BACK INTO THE FRAME (AS IT WERE) - HE SOUNDS A LITTLE GRUMPY!

YETI: (quite put out)

I can't believe it! I've been side-lined in my own day-dream... Well, I guess the only way to get around this is to stop daydreaming! That will shut them up...

DEADIEGRAMS: (teasing)

You wanna believe it, sweet-cheeks...

BETTINA: (non-plussed)

Oh, ignore him, darling - he's just jealous...

PAUL: (disgruntled)

WELL, REALLY!!

THE DAYDREAM ENDS AT THIS POINT AND WE RETURN TO OUR NEW YEAR EPISODE...

This script is either for our last episode of 2017 or our first episode of 2018 and was written between 13th September and 6th October 2017, with additional rewrites done between the 9th and the 24th of October 2017.