SHY YETI'S LONG-LOST COUSIN!!

SHY YETI AND LONG LOST COUSIN ALGERNON!!

This script was written between March and early July 2018 and is intended to be included as links for an episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST where Mr Yeti meets his long lost cousin Algernon. The rest of this episode will be ad-libbed around these scripted scenes/links for release later in 2018.

SCENE 1

To be played right at the start of the episode...

YETI: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Hello listeners! I'm terribly excited today... You'll never guess what's happening - you really won't! It's okay - I'm going to tell you... (takes a deep breath, makes a slightly excited whimper) I'm about to meet a long-lost member of my yeti family! My long lost Cousin Algernon!! It's been a while coming... You may remember that I had a letter from him back a few months now; well - we've been emailing one another for a month or three and have been getting on very well... So now's time to finally connect. I was hoping that Yeti Uncle John would be able to join me, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen now - well, you know how busy he gets (add any relevant event specific to time of recording)... It's all terribly exciting - I can't help myself but keep talking about it to people... Have a listen to this, why don't you!?!

Of course John is being terribly sceptical - but the rest of the team are more positive...

AT THIS POINT PAUL TALKS WITH A NUMBER OF THE REGULARS - JOHN, CROMITTY, MARTIN, BETTINA, DAMEUS, ALBERT, CHARLIE GRRR ETC - BUT IT IS ALL AD-LIB...

There you go! At least not everyone is as negative as Yeti Uncle John - he was having a go at me because at some point I mistakenly called Algernon my Uncle, but it turns out he's my Cousin - John thinks it's suspicious, but I think he's just being extra grumpy. I mean, you know how complicated yeti families can be... So he's my cousin! My cousin... It's all been ironed out now! Well, kind of...

When I say that I'm about to MEET Long Lost Cousin Algernon this isn't strictly true - we're actually going to speak online, but I'm sure we will meet eventually - this is just the start... As I say - it's ever so exciting...

We hear the beep of a Skype call and then join the conversation a little way in...

YETI: (over-excitedly)

This is amazing! I can't believe that we've been able to connect like this... Isn't technology wonderful?

ALGERNON: (calmer, but pleased)

It is boy, it surely is... Although I do hope that one day soon we'll be able to meet in person...

YETI: (showing interest)

Sure... Where is it you're living at the moment? Philadelphia, is it?

ALGERNON: (somewhat vague)

Well, yes... Mostly... But I travel... I think it's in the blood - as I hear you're very keen on it too...

YETI: (enthusiastically)

What? Travelling? Oh yes... I love it! I've been all over Europe - but I'd love to come to Philadelphia... Maybe I could arrange a trip for next year... I've been to America on a number of occasions...

ALGERNON: (taking charge)

Yes... Yes... I'n sure that would be possible... Although what I think would be better would be if I came to you... I have a long history with London and I have some business to attend over there too...

YETI: (encouraging)

Really? Well, that would be marvellous... Just let me know when you're coming... Do you have a date?

ALGERNON: (suddenly becoming very vague)

Well, no... No... Not yet... It all depends on my funding...

YETI: (curious/nosey)

Oh yes? Funding from your work?

ALGERNON: (sounding quite mysterious)

Kind of, yes...But it's... well... it's a little unconventional... I mean, you might think it is - but it's actually pretty normal for people these days - especially when you're self-employed like me...

YETI: (trying not to probe too much)

Oh... Yes... Right... I don't think I have a clear picture of what you actually do... I wasn't sure if the travelling was for work or for play...

ALGERNON: (still vague)

A little of both, of course - but no... I have quite a lot of claws in a number of different pies...

YETI: (politely)

Oooh... That sounds awfully exciting...

ALGERNON: (sounding genuine)

I import bobble-hats for kittens - very rich kittens... That's one of the things I do... Woollen ones... Expensive wool... From very shy koala bears...

YETI: (slightly lost for words)

Oh... Gosh... Interesting... I imagine bobble hats like that must be really quite expensive...

ALGERNON: (in agreement)

Oh they are... They are... Very expensive... But, of course, it's only a small part of what I get up to...

YETI: (trying to remain casual)

Gosh... Well, you must tell me more... If you'd like to...

ALGERNON: (warming to the subject of talking about himself)

Well, when I'm not importing ever-so expensive bobble-hats for ever-so rich kittens I am also a party planner... That's where I make most of my money, to be honest...

YETI: (enthused)

Wow! A party planner - an INTERNATIONAL party planner from the sounds of it... What? Rich people call you up and say - come here and organise some kind of fancy shindig for me?

ALGERNON: (modestly/non-committal)

Something like that...

YETI: (very impressed)

WOW! Golly, you don't half live a show-biz jet-setting life, Cousin Algie... I can't wait to hear more!

ALGERNON: (thoughtful)

Yes... Yes... Well, as soon as I can get over there... I either need a party to come up that is going on in London or I need my next online fund-raising total to reach its target...

YETI: (surprised)

Oh... You can't afford just to travel outside of work?

ALGERNON: (vaguely)

Alas, no... Obviously I have loads of money for an emergency - but I'm afraid it's all tied up in shares and property at the moment... I really must show you some of the photos...

YETI: (surprised/excited)

You're building a house?

ALGERNON: (sounding quite smug)

Well... It's more of a hotel... A resort, let's say... Or it will be once it's done...

YETI:

Oh, wow... Will I be able to visit?

ALGERNON: (so generous!)

When it's done - yes, of course... You should come and bring all your podcasting friends...

YETI: (dreaming big dreams)

I will... Yes... I have friends in the States... Maybe we could even have our next podcasting conference in your hotel - when it opens...

ALGERNON: (business-like)

That would be terrific... But why not organise some kind of fanclub show for your podcast in London - get me to organise it for you and then we'll get to meet... I'd like to say just pay for the flight - but inevitably there would be expenses - my accountant gets mad with me for doing unpaid work; even when it is for relatives...

YETI: (modestly/playful)

Sure... Sure... Still... I'm not sure I have enough fans in the UK - or even in the whole world to fill up a conference hall... maybe a telephone box... Ha! Even then there'd still be room for a merchandising table or two...

ALGERNON: (supportively)

Hey, guy! Don't sell yourself short...

YETI: (sounding positive and full of ideas)

No... No... I'm not... I'm just being realistic... Still... I have an idea...

ALGERNON: (almost affectionately)

Hey! Look... I'm going to have to go now, furry-guy...

YETI: (hopeful)

Can we speak again soon? I want to have a word with the listeners and then I'll have a plan to share with you...

ALGERNON: (in agreement)

Fine... Yes... Sure... Good to talk to you; speak to you later...

YETI: (enthused)

Bye now... Great to talk to you... Hey... Algie... I was going to ask... (but the call drops) Oh! Oh... Well, never mind... Hey, listeners! I have an idea... I want to help my cousin... I really want to meet him and I can tell that he's a pretty proud kind of yeti - there's no way that he's going to accept me buying him a ticket... But if I can help by getting him over here as some kind of crowd-funding deal then I'm pretty sure that he'll be fine with that... I just have to think of something that I can do that people would be prepared to donate money to see... I'm going to come up with something and then I'll call him back... If you have any ideas do please let me know, won't you? Thanks listeners... Back in a bit... Moving on... Listen to something else and I'll speak to you in a bit...

SCENE 2

To be played in the middle of the episode...

YETI: (excitedly)

Hello, listeners! Well, things are happening... I emailed Cousin Algernon with all my ideas and he seems to love them... We're about to speak again - at any minute, in fact... I do hope that he likes what I've come up with... As I explained before - I'm not averse to a spot of fund-raising... (Skype begins to ring) Oooh... There he is... Hello Cousin Algie! How are you? It's lovely to chat with you again! What's the weather like? Is it rainy? I bet it isn't - it's America, right - I bet it's sunny... Really sunny - like probably too sunny - the sort of sun which makes you feel like you're beginning to melt... (rambling now) Hey! Do you think that can actually happen? Can it actually get that hot? I mean in America - because clearly it can be hotter enough like... in a volcano, say - or up on the sun...

ALGIE: (slightly awkward)

Errr... Yeah... It is kind of sunny, for sure... But just ordinary sunny - nothing too extreme...

YETI: (enthusiastically)

Oh, I am glad... Listen now! I have so many ideas to tell you about... Ideas for things that you could do to raise money for your journey over here...

ALGIE: (surprised)

Things that I could do?

YETI: (confused)

Err... Yes...

ALGIE: (selflessly)

You would be helping too, I take it... I mean... It might be difficult for me to do some of the fund-raising things alone, but; well, I guess if I must then I must...

YETI: (supportively)

Oh no... Sure... Sure! It's definitely something that I could do too if you wanted me to help...

ALGIE: (more at ease/friendly)

Hey! That's really helpful of you - much appreciated... Any chance of a coffee, by the way...

YETI: (muddled)

Errr... Yeah... I... Suppose... Is that possible... Sorry! Sorry... I don't mean to be stupid - but we're talking about Skype here... If I make you a coffee here then how do I get it to you? Fax?

ALGIE: (cheerfully)

Ha! No! You're about twenty years too late... It's all emails these days!

YETI: (playing along and trying to change the subject slightly)

Ah yes... Of course it is... But surely... No... No... Never mind... So how do you see all this charitable business working exactly?

ALGIE: (in charge)

Ah... Don't you worry... I have a list of things...

YETI: (curious)

Things that we could do?

ALGIE: (quite commandingly)

Well... Not exactly... Things that you could do specifically... I have plans of my own - I'm sure you have your own ideas too that we can consider - I know you said that you wanted to help. That's right, isn't it?

YETI:

Oh yes! Yes... Sure! So if I do stuff this side of the pond - then what is it that you'll be doing where you are...

ALGIE: (vaguely)

Ah... Hmm... Well, you don't really need to know that... Not at the moment, at least - I don't want to confuse you... You look like the kind of yeti that could be easily confused... Am I right?

YETI: (slightly unsure)

Oh yes... Yes, I guess so... So what are your ideas specifically for me? Nothing dangerous, I hope!

ALGIE: (vaguely mocking)

Dangerous!? Well... No... I mean my first suggestion was a sponsored walk - so as long as you don't select a route along The Great Wall of China or anything...

YETI: (with humour)

I doubt it... I really don't think I'd be up to that... I'm not sure the wall would be up to it either...

ALGIE: (bluntly)

You're not THAT fat, surely!?!

YETI: (slightly offended)

I never mentioned my size, Cousin Algernon... I think it's a fact that you can't walk from one end of the wall to another... It's not accessible... It's just not...

ALGIE: (quite business-like, almost dismissive)

Whatever you say... So... First up... A sponsored walk...

YETI: (mutters)

Within reason...

ALGIE: (misunderstanding)

In a reasonable location, yes... Right...

YETI: (trying not to be rude)

Alright... And? What else? It's all pretty standard stuff, so far...

ALGIE: (slightly lost for ideas)

Can you tap dance?

YETI: (not sounding sure)

I can try...

ALGIE: (warming to the suggestion)

On actual taps? On an actual sink? That might be fun...

YETI: (really not sounding keen)

As I said just now - I can try if it is so required...

ALGIE: (enthusiastic)

What about giraffe surfing?

YETI: (concerned)

Is that even legal?

ALGIE: (trying to sound like he actually knows something about the subject)

It is if you're prepared to gargle custard on the top deck of a London bus at the same time...

YETI: (playful)

What do YOU know of London buses, may I ask? I'm the Londoner - not you...

ALGIE: (snooty)

I'm only telling you what I read on the internet...

YETI: (chuckling)

Oh! Well, they'll put anything on the internet these days... There are videos of me reading poems in another country on the internet... Who'd have thunk it thirty years ago...

ALGIE: (bossy-sounding)

No-one probably... Right! Okay... Well, I've emailed you your instructions - so go check it out and get our plans in action; it should all come together pretty quickly if we get our act together...

YETI: (enthused again)

Come together? Really? Gosh... Right... Whatever you say... And what is that you're going to do again?

ALGIE: (hurriedly)

I will exist! It'll work! Just you see! Look... Got to go... Busy! Busy! Busy! (the call is broken)

YETI: (muttering to himself)

Oh! Really!? Gosh... What an odd sort of fellow he is... Now then... Let me see this email... Sorry, listeners - I've just got to look at this for a moment - sorry to keep you...

THIS WILL PROBABLY GO INTO AN AB-LIBBED SCENE WITH PAUL AND YETI UNCLE JOHN DISCUSSING THE BIZARRE CONTENTS OF THE EMAIL!!

SCENE 3

To be played towards the end of the episode...

YETI: (excitedly)

Hi listeners! I'm really quite tired today... I've spent the last few hours quite literally running around! I've done all manner of events for charity over the last week - raising money so Long Lost Cousin Algernon can come visit! The good news is that we've hit the target and I'm about to speak to him now to let him know that we've reached the goal and that he can finally come over and visit - we can finally meet! (There is the Skype noise in the background and Mr Yeti's voice brightens) That'll be him now! Hello! Hello!?! Cousin Algernon! Hello! It's me - your cousin, Shy Yeti... How are you?

ALGIE: (sounding distracted)

Oh... Yes... Yes... I'm fine... How are you doing? You said you had something to tell me...

YETI: (over-enthusiastic)

I've raised you the money, Cousin Algernon! We've done it!?

ALGIE: (keen, but not too over-the-top)

Marvellous! I knew I could... We could, sorry... Apologies...

YETI: (supportively)

No! No! If it hadn't have been for your ideas and encouragement...

ALGIE: (vaguely apologetic)

Good point! No... No... That's fair! I'm only sorry that I couldn't have done more myself; but you know how it is!

YETI: (hopeful)

Err... I guess so... Have you booked your tickets yet?

ALGIE: (distracted)

Booked my what?

YETI: (helpful)

Your tickets... To come to London...

ALGIE: (suddenly catching on)

Oh... No... No, not yet... I'll do it tonight, I promise...

YETI: (becoming overly perky)

Well, just let me know your dates and I'll get the time off - this is going to be so exciting and hopefully all my blisters from the sponsored events I undertook will be healed up by then...

ALGIE: (quick to get away)

I'm sure they will... Look - I've gotta go... I'll be in touch... Just wanted to let you know that I got the money and I'm looking forward to buying those plane tickets... Thanks again for all your help...

YETI:

Oh... No trouble at all... Hey... By the way... I've been working out an itinerary for your trip... I'll mail it over so you can let me know if you want to change or alter anything...

ALGIE:

Okay... Sounds great... Gotta go...

YETI:

Oh! Oh... Yes... Okay... See you soon, Cousin Algernon... See you soon...

The line falls dead...

BRIEF DIALOGUE 1

To be played after the end titles... Cousin Algernon leaves a message for Shy Yeti...

ALGIE: (upbeat)

Hi Yeti! It's me Cousin Algernon... How are you doing? Listen... Something's come up at work - things are a bit weird at the moment and I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to be able to get away to come over and visit you... Luckily I hadn't booked my tickets yet - but the money's there and safely banked - so as soon as I know when I can make this trip over to you then I'll be back in touch and I'll get something booked... Loved that itinerary thing that you emailed me - it all looks very good... Gotta go... Sorry about this... I'll call you again soon... Take care... Loving the podcast... You Brits... So silly,... Bye now!


The line falls dead...

BRIEF DIALOGUE 2

To be played after the end titles... Cousin Algernon leaves a message for an unknown caller - it might be Zap depending on when the episode is released - or it may be some other character; Other Dimensional Paul etc??

ALGIE: (more sly, somewhat suspicious)

Hey, it's me, Algernon... Yeah... Sure... Yes, I did what you said... No, I didn't speak to him - I just left a message... Yes... I was really upbeat... He'll never suspect a thing... Okay, yes... Yes, alright... I'll wait to hear from you... No... No... He has no idea... No idea at all... Come on, that Yeti is about as smart as a bag of rocks - it will never even occur to him... Okay... Okay, yes... Speak to you again soon... Goodbye now... Goodbye...

The line falls dead...

TO BE CONTINUED...

This script is copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.

THE RETURN OF THE CRYPTKEEPER...

THE RETURN OF THE CRYPTKEEPER BELATED-XMAS SPECIAL!!

This script was written in January 2018 to be included as links for an episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST where Mr Yeti pretends it's Halloween so as not to embarrass a forgetful crypt-keeper... The rest of this episode will be ad-libbed around these scripted scenes/links for release in the Spring.

SCENE 1

To be played right at the start of the episode...

PAUL: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Hello listeners! I'm feeling a bit embarrassed today... I've had a bit of a memory lapse and I want to make amends... Let me explain! Do you remember friend of the show, Gordon The Crypt-keeper? When we met him last time I completely told him that he could co-host the Christmas Special episode with me - but then Yeti Uncle John and I got distracted by ghost hunting in the college and the rest of the team went to see Dameus at Tallulah's Christmas Concert and I completely forgot to involve Gordon! Oops... Here he comes... Wish me luck!

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (yokel accent, attempting doom)

Note: Mr Trowby. Please adapt any lines to accommodate additional yokelisms. Thank you.

Oh! Hello you! How lovely to see you, Mr Yeti! How are you doing?

PAUL: (surprised)

Oh... Oooooh... I'm okay... I didn't expect to find you in quite such a merry mood...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (jovial)

Why's that? Because I'm the crypt-keeper? Oh well... No... That's just my job, as you know... I'm really quite a jolly fellow when I not keeping crypts and looking mysterious... I've been expecting you! I'm just happy to see you and all your podcast listeners... I know why you're here!

PAUL: (apologetically)

Ah yes... I'm awfully sorry I'm late...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (reassuringly)

Late? No... You're not late... We've plenty of time...

PAUL: (confused)

We have? You DO know why we're here, right?

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (enthused)

Of course... To record the Shy Life Christmas Special! Well, here I am... I'm ready! Let's do it...

PAUL: (trying to organise himself)

Oh... Oh! Yes... Right... Okay... That'll be great... Sorry I didn't send you the script in advance - we're a bit behind... You know what it's like...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (quite blasé - slightly sadly)

Oh yes... Of course... The podcasting world must be terribly chaotic! Not like my world... Everyone's just dead here...

PAUL: (distracted)

Sure... Sure...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (busily)

Well, let me just put the kettle on and I'll be back with you... I'll brew us up a nice pot of belly button fluff tea - you'll like that, right? Everyone like belly button fluff tea, don't they? You'll be alright waiting a few minutes, I'm sure...

PAUL: (jovially)

Err, yes... Of course.. Yes... Yes! I'll just... err... talk to the listeners...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON:

Good stuff! Back in a minute!! You'll have to meet Dolly... She's in today...

PAUL: (unsure)

Dolly?

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON:

The Crypt-keeper queen! She's kind of my boss... It's a long story... You'll love her...

PAUL: (to the listeners)

Great! Oh deary me... Well, what could I do, listeners? I don't know what's going on here - but I just noticed that Gordon's still got his 2017 calendar up... Maybe they've lost track of time here and don't realise that they've missed Christmas... I think I'm just going to pretend that I didn't know either... I'm going to record the episode with them and YOU LOT are going to have to sit there and pretend that you think that it's just before Christmas too... Okay? OKAY! Good! Behave yourselves, won't you? I'm sure you will... Right... Without further ado - let's run the theme tune... (the theme tune begins)

SCENE 2

To be played right after the main theme music...

PAUL: (in a stage-y whisper)

Hello again listeners! Oh dear, what a pickle I've gotten myself into now! Oops... Here comes Gordon,.. Just play along won't you? Thanks... (turning back to his friend) Heeellllloooo, Gordon! Looking very festive... That white beard really suits you - although I'm not sure it'll really be of much use on the podcast - still, maybe we can take a photo of you to use as show art...

GORDON: (mumbling under the beard)

Mumble-mumble-mumble...

PAUL: (confused)

I beg your pardon?

GORDON: (pulling the beard aside slightly)

I'm sorry... I said, I'm sure it'll be just fine - it'll get me into a more Christmassy mood...

PAUL: (politely)

Yes, yes - indeed... Just make sure the listeners can hear what you're saying!

GORDON: (apologetically)

Mumble-mumble-mumble... I'm sorry... I said... Okay, boss!!

PAUL: (with genuine praise)

That's very good...

GORDON: (nervously excited)

So what are we going to do? Sing some carols maybe? Do a little dance? What do podcast listeners like to listen to at Christmas? I really have no idea myself - this is a completely different world for me!

PAUL: (sympathetically)

Why, of course? What is your typical Christmas - the doomier gloomier side, one presumes?

GORDON: (with regret)

You could say that! It's hard to cheer people up when at the same time you're carting them off to the grave - I mean, I do my best - throw in the odd one-liner here and there, but I think it would probably be fair to say that my audience is never exactly in the mood for whatever humorous line I'm trying to peddle...

PAUL: (sounding slightly pretentious)

Oh, I am sorry... A comedy genius is rarely appreciated in his or her time... There are many who are applauded whilst they're alive - but many don't deserve it and those of us who end up as the unwilling audience would really rather they just shrivelled up and went away...

GORDON: (lowering his voice, chuckling)

Naming no names, right? Are you still jealous that Deeley The Cat still gets all the best lines on your show?

PAUL: (trying not to sound hurt)

Please refrain from bringing that up - it still upsets me on occasion - but at least he IS family, so part of me is still very proud for all of his successes...

GORDON: (sounding impressed)

That album of Atomic Kitten cover versions that he released was surprisingly experimental...

PAUL: (in agreement)

Indeed... You're not wrong... I believe that the NME gave him a 4 star review...

GORDON: (reflecting happily)

Well deserved, I'd say... Aww... (ponders for a moment) Podcaster's cats are always just ESPECIALLY cute, I always think!

PAUL: (starting to sound impatient)

Yes, yes... I'm well aware of that...

GORDON: (continuing oblivious)

Cats are ALSO Christmassy...

PAUL: (curious)

How so?

GORDON: (clearly enjoying imagining this)

Dress them in tinsel and put a seasonably festive hat on their heads and you'll see what I mean!

PAUL: (delicately)

Fair enough - but I hadn't planned any Christmas cat activity for this episode... I'm afraid "Never work with yeti poets and crypt-keepers" tends to be their motto...

GORDON: (over-excited)

Aww... I think you made that last bit up... Oooh! I have cat-nip too... I'm wearing it in my false nose!

PAUL: (relieved)

That's a false nose? Well, that explains it... I didn't like to say just in case I was mistaken... Now listen... You go and put the kettle on and when you come back I will have a complete Christmas line-up for us - you'll need tea to keep your vocal-chords perky...

GORDON: (enthusiastic)

Well, I never... When I return I'll introduce you to Dolly like I promised...

PAUL: (sounding a little patronising)

FANTASTIC... Now run along...

GORDON:

I won't be five minutes... Well... Maybe five - after all the kettle takes at least 3 minutes to boil...

PAUL:

Sure! Sure... (mutters to the audience) Listeners, I still have no idea what we're going to do... Can't you suggest something? Let's delve into the archives or read a poem or something - give you a chance to think... Come on now - I'm depending on you!

SCENE 3

Midway through the episode - Gordon returns and this time he brings Dolly...

PAUL: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Dear-oh-dear, listeners... I'm running out of time - I've still got no ideas for what we should record - especially not on a Christmas theme - and now here comes Gordon...

GORDON: (enthused)

Hello! Are you ready to start? Dolly will be here in a minute,,, I was thinking that maybe you could ask me what my favourite Christmassy things are - I know it sounds pretty ordinary - but nobody has probably ever asked that of a crypt-keeper - so it might even play out as a first!

PAUL: (relieved)

Ah! Indeed... Yes! What a good idea! Let's do that...

GORDON: (keenly)

Oh! Here comes Dolly... Dolly! Over here, me dear...

DOLLY: (bluntly)

Hello, boney - how's you? Oooh. Who's ya friend? Why's he all wrapped up, like? I mean it's cold - but it's not that cold...

PAUL: (lost for words)

I... err... well...

GORDON: (affectionately)

Dolly! You daft thing... That's not a coat - that's his fur... He's a yeti...

PAUL: (slightly annoyed)

I'd like to add that I am wearing clothes - they're just a little hidden... I'm not standing here topless, you know... What kind of hussy yeti do you take me for?

GORDON: (sincerely)

Apologies... Of course not... Ah yes... I see it now... What a lovely tank-top...

PAUL: (curtly)

It's actually a waistcoat - but thank you all the same...

DOLLY: (slightly suspiciously)

A yeti, aye... That's very modern of you... What made you want to be a yeti?

PAUL: (attempting not to sound too annoyed)

It was always my ambition - but being born one helped...

DOLLY: (speaking at him as if he's old and deaf)

Oh... He's quick... Funny too... I said you're funny, Mr Yeti... Quite the wit...

GORDON: (speaking amongst themselves as if he can't hear)

He is very amusing, isn't he?

DOLLY: (in half-hearted agreement)

I guess so... Nice shoes too...

GORDON: (enthused)

They are kind of swanky, aren't they?

PAUL: (trying his very hardest to sound flattered)

So very kind... Very nice to meet you, Dolly... Did you... err... want to take part in our Christmas episode too?

DOLLY: (not sounding exactly enthusiastic, but trying to be helpful)

Well, I can tap-dance - depends whether you've brought any taps with you... Hey? Hey? 

GORDON: (clearly quite enamoured)

Oh, Dolly... You're such a giggle... Isn't she such a giggle, Mr Yeti?

PAUL: (politely)

Yes! Yes! She's a scream... 

GORDON: (suddenly ready to perform)

Will we be starting soon?

PAUL: (taken a little bit off-guard)

What? Oh... Yes... Definitely... But... errr... What about a costume for Dolly? Do you have anything suitable ready prepared? This may be a podcast but we still need costumes and after all you've made such a splendid effort yourself!

GORDON: (slightly embarrassed by his own failure here)

Oh! I completely forgot! How stupid of me! Come on Dolly... We need to get you suited and booted - you'll be alright as an elf won't you? (Dolly just mutters - not fully replying) Oh - and of course - I also need to get the reindeer into position; I need them to practice their dance steps... You will wait for us, won't you, yeti?

PAUL: (politely/relieved)

Of course! Yes... Don't rush... (turning back to listeners) Blimey, listeners... I suppose I better scribble something down by way of a script... Why don't you listen to this next bit and I'll get my thinking hat on!

SCENE 4

Paul is back - he is trying to sound keen, but speaks to the listeners first... In the background we hear Gordon doing vocal warm-ups! (please record these sounds and I'll dub them behind my lines!)

PAUL: (hurriedly)

Hello listeners! Oh dear... What a mess I've got myself into here... Still... Let's just not worry too much about this and simply forge forward... Gordon and Dolly will be back in a minute and we've just got to embrace the whole Christmas spirit - even though it's months past Christmas... They don't seem to know that for some reasons... Oh well! Let them have their fun, right!? We'll sing some carols - jingle some bells and maybe crack open a few ho, ho, hos... Listen? That's him doing his vocal warm-ups... He's so enthusiastic... I can't let him down can I?

There is suddenly a noise - an ouch... Something has gone wrong with Gordon's vocal warm-ups...

(concerned) Oh dear! What's happened now? That doesn't sound too good... Oh, here comes Dolly - I'm sure she'll have an explanation...

DOLLY: (apologetically)

We've got a problem... He's got himself into a bit of a tizzy...

GORDON: (croaks)

I'm so sorry, yeti... It's me voice... I've gone and over-done it!

PAUL: (confused)

You did what? What's happened exactly?

DOLLY: (matter-of-factly)

As I say, he got himself over excited... He was doing his vocal exercises and got himself wound up in the tinsel and only went and swallowed a bauble...

PAUL: (concerned)

Good grief! Is he alright?!

DOLLY: (not exactly sounding convinced by her own words)

Oh... He'll be fine... Eventually...

GORDON: (weakly)

Maybe you could come back when I'm feeling better...

DOLLY: (sympathetic but insistent)

I don't think there will be time, Gordon... You have work responsibilities and... well.., Christmas is Christmas, isn't it? By the time you're feeling better it'll be after Christmas... Maybe you can be involved next time, aye!?

GORDON: (slightly embarrassed)

Oh... Yeti... One million apologies... One million and one apologies...

PAUL: (trying not to reveal how relieved he is)

Oh... Don't worry about it Gordon, old fella... We'll sort it out... You have to be careful with baubles in future - they're very easy to swallow...

DOLLY: (in complete agreement, bluntly)

When you've got a gob as big as his it is, that's for sure...

GORDON: (sounding harassed)

DOLLY!!

PAUL: (not sounding very keen)

Oh dear... I mean if you still want to join in Dolly then I'm sure Gordon could still rattle a tambourine...

DOLLY: (distant)

No... Sorry... I don't think so... Thanks but no thanks... I've got 17 pair of socks to knit for the local badger Kung-fu and cream tea consortium... I'll never get finished if I stand around gassing all afternoon...

PAUL: (distracted, we hear Gordon muttering in reply)

Oh... Dear... Well... Right... (turning to the listeners) Well, listeners - this is a fine pickle - but it may just have gotten me out of tricky situation... (turning back to Gordon) What a shame about all this - I'm so sorry, Gordon... Did you swallow the bauble right down or is it stuck down there somewhere? Really? Oh, dear... How awkward... Have you tried doing the Conga? No... But it might be worth trying - get things moving a bit - you might perhaps shift it... Listeners... It's probably best if you go and listen to something from the archives... I'll speak to you again at the end... Alright... Thank you! Enjoy!

Gordon doesn't sound too impressed - we move on...

SCENE 5

Paul has already said goodbye to the listeners and the end titles have played - this last scene appears right at the end...

PAUL: (apologetically)

Oh, hello again... I can't believe I let myself be dragged into discussing Christmas when we're far closer to Easter! Apologies... I do hope you enjoyed the episode anyway... Oh, by the way - Gordon coughed up the bauble and is doing fine... Oh... Here he comes... Gordon! Feeling better?!

GORDON: (still rather croaky)

A lot better now, yes thank you... I must admit I do feel a bit embarrassed about spoiling your Christmas episode... I presume you'll be able to go on without me - I just don't think I'm going to be well enough in time...

PAUL:

No... No... That's fine... I quite understand... 

GORDON:

Maybe another time?

PAUL: (trying to show some keenness)

What about the Summer Special - we could do something for that, maybe...

GORDON: (concerned)

Good plan! Yes! You will tell the listeners that I really did swallow a bauble, won't you? I wouldn't want them thinking that I was only pretending - this is the trouble with audio; nobody can completely trust that what you're saying is actually real...

PAUL: (winding up the conversation)

Especially when it's the news... It's all put together by a bunch of R.A.D.A. students with stuck on side-burns and party hats apparently - they just make it up as they go along... (Gordon makes a shocked WOW noise) Anyway! The listeners will understand... Listen now, I better get on - I'll be in touch about some kind of future collaboration... Give my best wishes to Dolly... She's okay, I trust?

GORDON: (sounding slightly horrified)

She's okay - she's just spin-drying the Christmas decorations... We couldn't remember which of the baubles that I swallowed - it was just better to wash the whole lot of them...

PAUL: (trying not to sound too impatient)

Oh yes... I guess so... Well, now... We'll be in touch!

GORDON: (enthusiastic)

Excellent yeti... Happy Christmas...

PAUL: (keen, then with voice lowered)

Err, yeah... Happy Christmas... (turning back to the listeners) Well, listeners... It was nice to catch up with him anyway... I'm sure we'll see him again...

DOLLY RETURNS...

DOLLY: (her voice also lowered)

Has he gone?

GORDON: (confirming, his voice also lowered)

He's gone, yes indeed...

DOLLY: (hopeful)

So we don't have to keep pretending that we think it's Christmas...

GORDON: (relieved)

No, thank goodness... Poor fellow... I blame it on all those podcast episodes that he produces - it addles him...

DOLLY: (with regret)

Must do... It's understandable... Ah well... Hey... You don't think the listeners are still listening do you?

GORDON: (confident)

No... They'll have left when he did...

DOLLY:

Do you think? (pauses)

GORDON:

Hello? Listeners? (pauses) Nah... They've gone...

DOLLY: (perking up)

Time for a nice cup of tea then...

GORDON: (in agreement)

Splendid...

DOLLY: (slightly impatient)

Well, hurry up then...

GORDON: (apologetic)

Oh... Sorry... Bauble-injury... No, no... I'm fine...

DOLLY:

Hmm...

This script was written between Wednesday 3rd and Thursday 25th January 2018, with revisions made between 30th January and 6th March 2018

SHY YETI'S CHRISTMAS SCRIPT FOR 2017!!

GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE CHRISTMAS STAR!!

A Shy Yeti celebration of Christmas for 2017

CAST:

GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS
OLIVER LOUSE
SHY YETI
CHARLIE GRRR
IKK THE ALIEN
THE MAN FROM THE MANAGEMENT
THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS

Setting The Scene:

It is late afternoon, just before Christmas and we join Shy Yeti, Gladstone McWhiskers, Oliver Louse and Charlie Grrr who are busily swanning about the Christmas Market in Hyde Park. Charlie is causing all manner of disturbances, but this gives the other time to enjoy a mulled wine and to catch up. Both Gladstone and Ollie walk using electro-powered stilts - so they are all at the same height of a normal human-being rather than being lost in the crowd amongst busy feet! As they make their way through the market and the fairground people tip their caps at the three of them - clearly aware who they are - although they are definitely more interested in Gladstone than in Oliver or Shy Yeti.

SHY: (wistfully)

I can't believe it's Christmas again! One minute it's late Summer - next it's Halloween followed by my birthday and suddenly... Christmas week! BOOM!

GLADSTONE: (knowingly/in agreement)

You're not wrong there, Yeti...

OLLIE: (concerned)

I hear your birthday wasn't exactly a success this year... You must be upset - I know how much you love to celebrate it!

SHY: (playing it cool)

Oh... I'm over it now, but yes... I got myself locked in a basement in a spooky old mansion in the country... I was meant to be going to Italy, but it simply didn't happen for me...

OLLIE: (supportive)

What a shame... You doing alright now, mate?

SHY: (still very casual)

Oh yes... For sure... Water under the bridge...

OLLIE: (making polite conversation)

Which city had you planned on heading to?

SHY: (chuckling a little)

Verona... Never been before... Still haven't been - at least I have, but only in my imagination...

OLLIE: (lowering his tone, in confidence)

Sometimes you just can't beat a good imaginary holiday... I take them all the time - working for this one who doesn't much like to vacation you bloomin' well have to!

GLADSTONE: (sounding hurt, but not really meaning it)

Now! Now! That isn't true and you know it, Oliver! You should come with us to Venice next time we go... Do you know it?

SHY: (a little over-enthusiastically)

Do I know, Venice!?! Do I ever! It's only my every favourite place EVER!

OLLIE: (encouragingly)

Then you really should come next time...

GLADSTONE: (in agreement)

Absolutely!

SHY: (keenly, but growing distracted)

I WILL! Now... (looking around the busy fairground in front of them) Where exactly are we meant to be meeting Charlie!?

OLLIE: (looking around)

Is there a pie stall here? There must be!

SHY: (still a little O.T.T.)

Mince pies, surely - it's Christmas after all...

GLADSTONE: (calmly)

Let's go and take a look around...

THEY HAVEN'T GONE FAR WHEN THEY HEAR A COMMOTION - AT FIRST THEY IGNORE IT AND THEN THEY BEGIN TO RECOGNISE THE VOICE - THE FIGURE CAUSING ALL THE FUSS IS NONE OTHER THAN CHARLIE GRRR...

(intrigued/dismayed) Good gracious! What is going on now?

OLLIE: (lowering his voice)

We can keep walking, if you prefer boss - it's not like he's our responsiblility...

SHY: (keenly)

Oh! And miss all the action!? Surely not...

GLADSTONE: (with a sigh)

I wouldn't put it quite that way... But you're right - he kind of is my responsibility - maybe I can settle him down a bit and sort out whatever the problem is...

OLLIE: (solemn)

I hope you don't regret trying, boss...

GLADSTONE: (sadly)

Oh... It usually pays off in the end, at least for a while - but then only a few days down the line we're back to square one and there's some new issue that he's caused rearing its ugly head...

SHY: (with a grin at the memory)

Sometimes literally! Remember the time he invited Nessie down to London for the weekend?

OLLIE: (also chuckling)

Don't let him hear you calling him ugly... Sorry, boss!

GLADSTONE: (wincing)

Hmmm... I don't think there's any worry of that occasion - Nessie has long since gone home, but yes - I do remember it well!

SHY: (apologetically)

I must say, I do feel partly responsible for that as it was some of my team who had been hunting for Nessie in the first place... Of course when I say "hunting" I mean that in the kindest and most sociable way possible, you understand...

GLADSTONE: (with understanding)

Of course - I don't doubt it for a minute...

OLLIE LOOKS AS IF HE MIGHT BE THINKING OF SAYING SOMETHING BUT THEN GETS DISTRACTED, FOR THEY ARE NOW QUITE CLOSE TO A STALL WHERE IT SEEMS THAT CHARLIE IS CAUSING A COMMOTION - IN FACT HE APPEARS TO BE ATTEMPTING TO DRUM UP TRADE FOR ONE OF HIS MANY CREATIVE PROJECTS... HE HAS EVEN SET UP A STALL AND HAS A RANGE OF HIS WARES THERE - ONLY APPARENTLY HE HADN'T CLEARED THIS WITH THE MANAGEMENT OF THE CHRISTMAS MARKET AND A NUMBER OF THE STALL HOLDERS ARE NOT BEST PLEASED AS HE SEEMS TO HAVE STOLEN THEIR THUNDER AND THE VISITORS TO THE MARKET ARE CROWDING AROUND THE BEAR RATHER THAN THEIR STALLS THAT ARE SELLING MULLED WINE, MINCE PIES AND OTHER CHRISTMAS-RELATED NICK-NACKS...

GLADSTONE: (with frustration)

Will somebody please tell me exactly what is going on here!?!

CHARLIE: (oblivious to any trouble that he may be causing)

Oh! Gladstone! How good to see you?! Ah! Shy! Oliver... What a splendid welcoming committee...

SHY: (trying to remain positive)

Afternoon, Charlie... What are you up to now?

CHARLIE: (proudly)

Just trying to give my public a little seasonal performance that's all...

OLLIE: (mutters)

Whilst offering them a range of Charlie Grrr-related merchandising at the same time...

CHARLIE: (matter-of-factly)

Well, of course - it would be remiss of me to show up for such an occasion and not to have anything of mine to sell them... My audience requires t-shirts, albums, dvds and blu-rays...

SHY: (trying to come up with as silly examples as he can manage)

Monogrammed pie-shaped cuff-links - personally paw-autographed extra glossy photo-album and uniquely poseable Charlie Grrr holographic fondu-set...

CHARLIE: (enthused)

Well yes, exactly... Of course! Although I'd not thought of that last one - I really must write it down!

GLADSTONE: (calmly but sternly)

Yes, well that is all very well - but you do realise that you should have gotten approval from the management here to actually do this - you need a special permit like all the other stall-holders here...

MANAGEMENT MAN: (quietly furious)

You can't just wander in here selling your trinkets - not without arranging it financially with ourselves...

CHARLIE: (very magnanimously)

No! No! It's fine... I am willing to waive any fee - you do not need to pay me anything...

GLADSTONE: (speaking low but informatively)

I suspect Mr... The gentleman here was rather expecting YOU to pay HIM for being here...

CHARLIE: (shocked/disbelieving)

Goodness! How preposterous! I am giving him free publicity... What more could he want? All these people here (he indicates the crowd) have been tweeting and posting photos on their instagram accounts telling their friends and family all about this little market of yours...

MANAGEMENT MAN: (outraged)

Begging you pardon, Mister Grrr, but we get thousands of tourists every year - quite probably millions and we have done so without your help up until now, I'll have you know... We're in the very centre of London... We have no need for additional publicity, thank you very much...

CHARLIE: (scoffing)

What nonsense! You're clearly being deliberately humorous - or you think you are... Well alas, I can tell you it isn't in any way amusing...

SHY/OLLIE: (unnerved)

Oh dear...

GLADSTONE: (attempting to intervene)

Well now... I'm sure we can sort this matter out...

CHARLIE: (disgruntled)

I don't know that there's time right now... I was hoping to sing my dance version of "Twinkle! Twinkle, Little Star..." but the star has already arrived...

SHY: (confused)

The star has WHAT!?

OLLIE: (surprised yet enlightened)

THE STAR HAS ARRIVED!! LOOK! UP IN THE SKY!?!

THEY ALL LOOK - AS DO THE PEOPLE MAKING UP THE CROWD AND SURE ENOUGH DESCENDING TOWARDS THEM IS WHAT LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE A STAR - ALTHOUGH ON CLOSER INSPECTION IT ACTUALLY RESEMBLES A BADLY DECORATED SPACE CRAFT INTENDED TO LOOK LIKE A STAR... EVERYONE SEEMS QUITE ASTONISHED BUT THEY  ARE BUSILY TAKING PHOTOS... STILL... SHY SOON RECOGNISES THE VEHICLE...

CHARLIE: (with his most impressive booming growl)

THE CHRISTMAS STAR HAS ARRIVED!!

GLADSTONE: (intrigued)

Most curious...

OLLIE: (impressed)

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL!!?

MANAGEMENT MAN: (dismayed/thinking practically)

GOOD GRIEF!! THIS IS A HEALTH AND SAFETY NIGHTMARE AND NO MISTAKE!!!

OLLIE: 

What's up Shy? You look a bit non-plussed...

SHY: (keen to explain)

Oh... It's okay... It's just that I recognise the space ship... It belongs to one of my colleagues from the podcast... Ikk... You may have heard him on the show - I'm not sure that you've ever met...

OLLIE: (nervously)

No... Oh... Goodness... What's he doing here?

SHY: (disapproving)

Well, he's a sweet fellow - but sometimes far too naive and easily lead... I suspect that Charlie has talked him into doing this in exchange for... well, goodness knows what - probably nothing at all... Ikk likes to be helpful - he wouldn't demand anything if he thought he was doing Charlie a favour...

CHARLIE: (boomingly)

SHHH NOW! SHHH! MAKE WAY FOR THE CHRISTMAS STAR!!!

THE CROWDS STAND BACK - ALLOWING THE STAR/SPACE CRAFT TO LAND AMONGST THE MARKET STALLS - AFTER A MOMENT OR TWO A DOORWAY APPEARS FROM BEHIND SOME TINSEL THAT HAD BEEN COVERING THE ENTRANCE AND IKK - A FRIENDLY LOOKING ALIEN WEARING A SANTA CLAUS COSTUME AND RATHER TOO MUCH GLITTER EMERGES... EVERYBODY APPLAUDS - EVEN THE MAN FROM MANAGEMENT WHO HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN SO OUTRAGED...

IKK: (in his familiar high voice)

Hello everyone... My name is Santa Cuuuulause... I really shouldn't be here yet as it's not yet Christmas Day... I'm just here to say hello though and to pick up my good friend Charlie Grrr - to take him back to Beargrrria...

GLADSTONE: (grateful, chuckling)

Now that is an eventuality that I can get behind and fully support...

OLLIE: (slightly over-come)

Is that really Santa? REALLY-REALLY!?

SHY: (grinning, with affection)

Well, of course not - no... I told you... It's my colleague, Ikk... Charlie is just using him to transport all his purchases and whatnot back to his home to save having to post everything...

RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT A FLEET OF VANS BEGIN TO PULL UP - EACH WITH THE LOGO OF A VERY EXPENSIVE LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE STAMPED ON THE SIDE...

OLLIE: (surprised)

You're RIGHT!

SHY: (with mock offence)

Of course I'm RIGHT!!

GLADSTONE: (sympathetically)

Of course he is - Shy knows Charlie Grrr ALMOST as well as we do!

MEANWHILE, CHARLIE IS BUSY GETTING ALL HIS SHOPPING TRANSFERRED FROM THE VANS INTO THE SPACE SHIP - WHILST ALSO WAVING TO THE CROWD AND SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS... IKK LOOKS A LITTLE STAR-STRUCK BY ALL THE ATTENTION - BUT IS ALSO QUITE ENJOYING THE THEATRICS OF THE MOMENT...

You know what everybody... I think we can just let Charlie and Ikk deal with this matter... We're not required here...

OLLIE: (disappointed)

Oh... You mean we don't get to ride on the rocket ship...

GLADSTONE: (horrified)

NO! We do NOT get to ride on the rocket ship...

SHY: (lowering his voice)

I've done it... It's nothing to write home about - but don't tell Ikk I said that...

GLADSTONE: (chuckling)

You know I think I've seen quite enough of the market... I believe we should leave Charlie to his audience and go and get ourselves an afternoon tea - maybe even a cocktail...

SHY: (beaming)

I like your plan...

OLLIE: (wiggling his mandibles about excitedly)

I can't deny that I like the sound of that very much too...

CHARLIE: (disappointedly noting that they are departing)

YOU'RE NOT GOING, ARE YOU? I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SING...

SHY: (mutters)

Just keep walking - pretend you don't hear him...

GLADSTONE: (in agreement)

Good idea... Hurry along, Oliver...

OLLIE: (glad to be going)

You're two are so cruel - although it's probably for the best... I really don't think my ears deserve the torture of having to listen to one of Charlie's tunes about how marvellous he is - they really don't!

CHARLIE: (calling after them)

HEY! GUYS! HEEEEEY!

BUT GLADSTONE, SHY AND OLLIE KEEP WALKING AND WE LEAVE CHARLIE, IKK AND THE CROWDS OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS ENJOYING THEMSELVES AT THE CHRISTMAS MARKET - EVEN THE MAN FROM MANAGEMENT IS POSING FOR A PHOTO WITH THE INFAMOUS BEAR WHICH LOOKS LIKELY TO APPEAR IN THE EVENING PAPERS...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS BLOG READERS!! THANK YOU FOR READING!! BEST WISHES FOR 2018!! YETI HUGS, PAUL THE SHY YETI! XXX

The idea for this script was conjured up on 12th October and was written between the 13th and 20th of December 2017, with a little tinkering right up until the day of posting. This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.