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Sunday, 11 November 2018

SHY LIFE PODCAST - EPISODE PLANS

SHY LIFE PODCAST SHOWS - COMING SOON!!

Here we are in November and there are plenty of episodes in store and we're constantly recording new shows for you! Our schedule list does tend to change every time I post, but this is a good guide!

Anyway, here is our current schedule!

206/207. Shy Yeti's Birthday 2018 - Part 1 and 2

I am planning 2-3 episodes around the time of my birthday - although I am recording them on my actual birthday so they probably won't be out until mid-November; watch this space!

208. The Two Paul's Show!

Paul catches up with his friend OtherPaul for an early birthday meal at a favourite restaurant - whilst the regulars experience an acute case of F.O.M.O.!

209. Live Pride48 Show - November 2018

Paul presents his live show for November - with more loopy extra material for those who download!

210. Catching Up With Cuthbert Computer!

Paul takes time out to catch up with Cuthbert - to find out about his favourite TV, music, food, books etc.

211. The Truth About The Murder Mystery Weekend!

It has taken a while but now we finally seem to have some answers about what ACTUALLY happened at the Murder Mystery Weekend back in October 2018 and the answers are REALLY going to shock you!

212. The Big Films Of 1972

Just for a change Nick and Paul discuss films - this time looking at the year 1972; also Aly (Nick's wife) chats to Paul about some of her favourite films and stage-plays. Recorded 27/10/18.

213. The Dragon And The Cacti!

Paul and Yeti Uncle John check in on Dragon Albert to see how he is getting on with Bert and Gert; John presumes that it will be a bit of a rescue mission - but they are both shocked by all that they find!!

214. Music From 1979

Nick and I discuss the big hits from 1979 on both sides of the pond; as recorded on 15/09/18.

### Additionally:

There will - most probably - be live shows every month; maybe even more than one closer to Christmas; but we also have plenty of other episodes either in planning or partially recorded.

### The New Caretaker / "Where's Me Booook!?"

What with Yeti Uncle John often being up in space - Bettina gives Paul the details of a caretaker who used to work on her Estate... It seems like a good idea until it becomes evident that this gentleman swings from being extremely lazy to shovelling every last thing into a bin bag... What ever will happen when he reaches the basement and finds all the tat in Cromitty's laboratory; what will happen to all those priceless Sutton Park tapes? For that matter will Cuthbert make it through the night!?!

### The Return Of Dameus The Interviewer

Dameus interviews all manner of podcasting celebrities as part of his return to the chat-show circuit.

### Re-connecting With The Past

Paul catches up with Cromitty and Martin and is excited to learn that Cuthbert has a few added advances that makes it possible to re-connect with the past via old episodes of SUTTON PARK... Ikk is slightly doubtful about it all - but he and Paul soon get to experience the process first-hand.

### Whatever Happened To Dusty The Scone-Eating Dandelion!?

Paul and the team receive a tip-off about an elusive acquaintance of theirs - Dusty The Scone-Eating Dandelion who went missing under mysterious circumstances some time ago... Will they be able to find him with the help of Martin and his detective pals!?

### Bettina and the robot butler

This episode sees Paul visiting Bettina only to find out that the house has recently become robotically automated; also Wifey Jo play a card game with Cuthbert.

### The Great Bingo Scam

Someone is rigging the bingo so that they win - is it one of the regulars or someone more sinister?

### The Continuing Mystery Of Long Lost Cousin Algernon

A number of episodes that involve Martin's investigation into Long Lost Cousin Algernon. What will he find?

### Tales Of Deadiegrams

The regulars share their memories of times when they have encountered Deadiegrams in odd situations.

### Brocante Saves The Day?

Bettina needs to sell some of her treasures and Brocante The Antique Dealer is called in - but can he save the day?

### Gordon The Crypt-keeper In Need!

Gordon is back - but he has recently lost his job! Mr Yeti does his best to try and help him out...

### More About The Alien Book

We learn a little more about The Alien Book which made Ikk so unwell at the start of the year - but, of course - things are never simple.

### Charlie Grrr and The Pie With The Pastry Plummage!

If all goes to plan with a trip to Venice in May then I plan to a record a pie-related giallo spoof with Charlie Grrr and some of the other regulars! I can promise that it'll be super silly...

### Digging Into Unheard Of Places

Paul digs through the archives to find a few interesting conversations that never made it onto shows. This episode has been postponed due to technical difficulties during summer 2018 and was replaced with another episode, but will be rescheduled once more material has been set aside.

Interviews in November

Leigh

Erik

Carey

FreakQuency

Homer

Alena

Toppie (bday)

LOTSL?

Patrick

T&L (bday)

Wes (TV)
George in Atlanta

Long Term Plots

Dameus and Bettina

Dameus asks Bettina to marry him around Valentine's Day 2019 - she says no, but only because she has been having doubts related to Zap's mysterious death. They reconvene soon after and marry 300. Zap (or his twin brother Zip) shows up at the wedding!

Ikk

Haunted by Zap / also strives to find out what happened to Dusty.

Yeti Uncle John

Confused as to whether he should tell Paul that he is his father!

Paul

His relationship with Long Lost Cousin Algernon!

Cromitty

More hypnosis - possibly Zap planted problems in other characters that are yet to come out.

Martin

Working with his boss to solve crime!

Charlie, Albert, Cuthbert

Background characters - may have their own bubbling-under stories from time-to-time.

Scripts

Long-lost relative called Algernon - 2

Deadiegrams

Big Fatty at Xmas

New Brocante script

New cryptkeeper script

Next live show

November 2018

Trowby and Lisa trying to do tests on Cuthbert?

LISTENER QUESTIONS (JAY)

Please place them here. Thank you.

SATURDAY

Recording with TS - Skype / HEAF Canterbury

SUNDAY

Recording HEAF / FreakQ

MONDAY

Do a review for Trowby and Lisa - 1 (DS)
Diary - links for Freak Q -
Record with George
Record with Carey

TUESDAY

Diary? Canterbury?
Finish 2nd birthday episode if not done?

WEDNESDAY

Diary? Leigh...
Finish 2nd birthday episode if not done?
Singing
Cuthbert ep - poems
Bits links??

THURSDAY

BF message with Cuthbert
Cuthbert ep - main episode
Truth about the murder mystery weekend /
Diary?
Dragon ep?
Caretaker ep?

Do a review for Trowby and Lisa - 3 (Maggie and Her)

FRIDAY

Home Diary??

FORTHCOMING EPISODES

IDEAS FOR FUTURE EPISODES

Do a blog post about it...

Links, poems etc for Pickle Hollow polari

Another Brompton Time Travel episode - but with more cameos?

Do more about Cromitty hypnotising people to forget when he makes mistakes. One character is immune to him. Dameus after his recovery??

Next year ST GERTRUDE’S DAY SPECIAL All dressed as cats; portions of the show presented in cat only sections. Cat interviews!?! MARCH 17TH 2018...

I would like to go back to real Sutton Park

I would like to go on the Watercress line to record real steam train sounds

The Two Part Birthday Special - November 2018

Pt1. Toppie and John try to arrange a birthday party for Paul, but everyone is going to be away. Let’s arrange a party, but we need to surprise Paul on the day. But Paul is on birthday holiday retreat. Paul speaks to Toppie via Skype and pretends that he’s in Barcelona but he’s not. Paul and Toppie can also have a little natter about any other topics that come to mind. John blows Paul's story of being away and Toppie reveals that he is waiting for Ikk to pick him up so they can all have lunch together. Sadly Ikk's space ship is playing up again - it is too late for Toppie to get flights. Aunt Tappie wishes Paul happy birthday! Toppie has all the party food with him, so Paul and John just eat dry crackers. He reads a poem maybe and there are Sutton Park clips. He decides to cook, but sets the fire alarm off. Harry shows up and has big plans for his birthday!! Paul and John are slightly sceptical.

Pt2. Harry, John and the gang throw a belated birthday party for Paul back in London. All is well, only one of the guests is not what he/she appears. The podcasting world is shocked when Paul is turned to stone by one of his guests. Only to find that she is a gorgon. Martin and Ikk are on hand to solve the crime and to try and reverse the effects. Toppie calls in to the party via Skype, but maybe he also plays the gorgon. Harry will also be at the party. Includes cameos from Jo, Calum and Beverley.

May also record another episode or two whilst in Kent. One might be about going to Canterbury with Harry on my actual birthday.

THE DRAGON AND THE CACTI!!

The Robot Upgrade

Cromitty combines the two robots and the end result is terrifying!!

The Dameus and Bettina Story

Dameus is worried about their money situation. Paul finds him gambling in a casino - and wins 500 Euros. Ikk worries what may happen to Bettina having looked into an alternate future. Bettina is having to appear on awful tv shows. It’s not happening here, but what if it did?? Maybe she finds an envelope in an old hat box with valuable shares. She forgot all about them!!

LIVE PRUDE48 FESTIVAL

April Fool’s Episode. Paul joins a new network where they have to be terribly polite. Tallulah runs the Station. Special Chair - antiques section.

When Zap dies is it really him or his twin??

The last episode of the podcast - in case I die. Bettina thinks it’s an obituary and goes into mourning. Ikk... Use clip from 167 where the subject is mentioned.

THE BERT AND GERT SHOW 2

THE DAMEUS TWINKLEHORN SHOW 2

interviews the guys from THAT’S A SHAME

NOISY PUB COLOURS is Ikk’s band. Music from GarageBand.

CHRISTMAS LIVE SHOWS

XMAS SPECIAL

REVIEW OF 2018

DEC 1: Santa calls at end; will Ikk and Paul take over...

XMAS DAY: They get lost in space...

NYE: Find their way home... See Zap... but it can’t be!?!

Ikk and Cromitty On The run with Cuthbert - others help. The aliens are after him but no-one knows why. Cuthbert has co-ordinates for reconstructing a sentient hologram of Nathan. Paul and Toby were planning on going there.

Record last 2 year’s Xmas messages with Gladstone etc.

Record review of the year with different guests - Nick, regulars, Trowby and Lisa, Toppie

Ikk's sister returns - is it her or is it Zap. Her name is Zip. Is she Zap's girlfriend?

Find a way for Toppie to interview me about the Shy Yeti script book.

HALLOWEEN EPISODE 2019

Something with Fran the Buttermere Ghost coming to visit Paul - he wants to see London. Maybe he falls in love with a London ghost - or a man who's not yet dead. He’s a bit clumsy. He’s scared of the other ghosts! Maybe Fran is recorded using the other MP3 recorder. Also Albert Skype’s in and wants to join him. Paul pretends the connection is bad and then feels guilty. What is True Fear? Ask Trowby and Lisa - a list of things - is this scary? (ie: an octopus in a hat reading quotes from Noel Coward plays...)

Next Year Plot for Scotland

Paul goes to see Nessie with Ikk. They go sight-seeing! Nessie is a bit distressed - usurped by the Loch Ness chicken/ Hamster. Paul concocts a plan to get rid of the rivals who is destroying the reputation of the area by posing for photos etc. No air of mystery.

What if the cast had been changed?

Alternate cast members

They show up!?! But I thought you were only in my imagination!?!

Exeter McFafafafa - pretentious, oooh my gawd - all about him. Don’t be such a donkey!!

Amnesia Lovelyshoes - alien groupie - her sister Sasha-Ann eloped with an alien.

Mr Cyrus Hollyhock - old, is a reincarnated cat, prudish

Harry

Under-rated or Favourite things

Sketch

Sutton Park

With Toppie too?

KEW - WHAT HAPPENED TO DUSTY?

Paul sees ads about dandelion flavour this and dandelion flavour that and notices an address near Q Gardens. They go to investigate and see Dusty. He is alive but new plants have been grown from seeds. They try to rescue him! They may be able to grow a new one! What about the other plants!?!

SALISBURY - RECORDING WITH NICK AND ANDY

Another live show - January 2019 maybe?

Review something else (for Round The Archives)

1969/1974 Years?

1990

1978

1980-1983???

Discuss films instead of music

Other over-rated things

Friday, 24 August 2018

EPISODE 200 - BIG FATTY PLAYS THE VOICE OF IKK'S FATHER!!

BIG FATTY IS THE VOICE OF IKK'S FATHER...

This will probably appear as the pre-titles scene of episode 200 of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST.

IKK: (talking to the listeners)

Goodness - it's been a long day listeners... We've got episode 200 ahead of us - in fact it's about to start any minute now - but I'm going to try and slip in 40 winks during the title music... You're going to like this, I promise you - there's a lot going on! We have a Murder Mystery Weekend to take part in - but I'm never going to get through it if I don't have a little nap. So, that's what I'm planning on doing until I'm called for. I'm all curled up on the sofa nice and snug, drinking one of those HOT-CHOC-O-LATE drinks with some of those delicious March mallows whilst I watch pop-vid-e-os on the tubes. Right now I'm feeling very sleepy now, listeners... Ever so sleepy... Sleepy... Sleepy....

Sleepy...

Within seconds Ikk is asleep; snoring even! We hear the word "sleepy" echoing - but then hear a voice.

IKK'S DAD: (a little mysterious)

IKK! IKKKKK! DO YOU HEAR ME?

IKK: (nervously)

Ohh... Oh! Who is this? You're voice sounds familiar - but I can't place it... I'm trying to sleep, you know - I have a busy time coming up... I have to fly all the way to America from the UKKK in my space ship...

IKK'S DAD: (enthusiastically)

But Ikk - you ARE sleeping... I am speaking to you in your dream...

IKK: (surprised)

Goodness! How ever did you manage that!?

IKK'S DAD: (almost losing his temper)

Look, I don't have time to tell you that - I have a gentleman caller due any minute and I need to polish the special chair first...

IKK: (confused)

Oh my! Really? Hmm... You definitely DO sound familiar, father...

IKK'S DAD: (normal, then with more authority)

Shhh now... I have an important announcement to make... Okay... I hearby declare that there will be no more SHY LIFE PODCAST little shows ever again...

IKK: (over-the-top)

WHAT? NO! SURELY NOT... PLEASE NO, FATHER - HAVE PITY ON ME - ON MY FRIENDS - ON THE LISTENERS...

IKK'S DAD: (giving in, slightly dismissive)

Oh, alright then... I simply can't bear to hear a grown alien cry... You can keep going until episode 3000 and then you must stop...

IKK: (slightly more relaxed)

3000!! But that mean that there is only two thousand, eight hundred to go... Hmmm... Okay... Well... I guess that will be enough to deal with for at least a year or two... Mr Yeti is very prolific, you know...

IKK'S DAD: (reassuring)

So I've heard... I'm glad you've made yourself some nice friends on Planet Earth, little Ikk... It makes me and your Auntie Poodle very happy to hear it...

IKK: (enthused/concerned)

Thank you, Father... That's all I've ever wanted to do - make you both proud of me... You ARE proud of me, aren't you Father? FATHER? Are you still there?

IKK'S DAD: (distracted)

Oh yes? What? I was just clipping my toe-nails and got distracted... Yes, we're both very proud of you, Little Ikk... Now, listen... I've got to go now and it's time for you to wake up?

IKK: (taken aback)

Wake up!?! What? ALREADY!?!

IKK'S DAD: (taking control)

Yes... yes... Of course... Didn't you know? A very special episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST is about to begin - and you're needed... So wake up... Wake up Ikk...

IKK: (in protest)

But FATHER...

IKK'S DAD: (insistent)

Goodbye for now... Just wake up... Wake up, Ikk... Wake up...

PAUL'S VOICE: (insistent)

Wake up Ikk...

IKK: (surprised)

Oh, Paul! It's you!

PAUL: (apologetic)

What's up? Had you dropped off? Sorry - did I disturb you?

IKK: (still a little sleepy)

I think I had, yes... Sorry... What's up?

PAUL: (excited)

It's time for episode 200, Ikk... Time for you to wake up... Time for us to run the theme music and get ourselves moving... It's all going to be terribly exciting...

IKK: (excited too)

Ooooooh!

This little script was written between 14th and 16th August 2018, with some slight revisions after this date...

Thursday, 9 August 2018

SHY YETI'S LONG-LOST COUSIN!!

SHY YETI AND LONG LOST COUSIN ALGERNON!!

This script was written between March and early July 2018 and is intended to be included as links for an episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST where Mr Yeti meets his long lost cousin Algernon. The rest of this episode will be ad-libbed around these scripted scenes/links for release later in 2018.

SCENE 1

To be played right at the start of the episode...

YETI: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Hello listeners! I'm terribly excited today... You'll never guess what's happening - you really won't! It's okay - I'm going to tell you... (takes a deep breath, makes a slightly excited whimper) I'm about to meet a long-lost member of my yeti family! My long lost Cousin Algernon!! It's been a while coming... You may remember that I had a letter from him back a few months now; well - we've been emailing one another for a month or three and have been getting on very well... So now's time to finally connect. I was hoping that Yeti Uncle John would be able to join me, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen now - well, you know how busy he gets (add any relevant event specific to time of recording)... It's all terribly exciting - I can't help myself but keep talking about it to people... Have a listen to this, why don't you!?!

Of course John is being terribly sceptical - but the rest of the team are more positive...

AT THIS POINT PAUL TALKS WITH A NUMBER OF THE REGULARS - JOHN, CROMITTY, MARTIN, BETTINA, DAMEUS, ALBERT, CHARLIE GRRR ETC - BUT IT IS ALL AD-LIB...

There you go! At least not everyone is as negative as Yeti Uncle John - he was having a go at me because at some point I mistakenly called Algernon my Uncle, but it turns out he's my Cousin - John thinks it's suspicious, but I think he's just being extra grumpy. I mean, you know how complicated yeti families can be... So he's my cousin! My cousin... It's all been ironed out now! Well, kind of...

When I say that I'm about to MEET Long Lost Cousin Algernon this isn't strictly true - we're actually going to speak online, but I'm sure we will meet eventually - this is just the start... As I say - it's ever so exciting...

We hear the beep of a Skype call and then join the conversation a little way in...

YETI: (over-excitedly)

This is amazing! I can't believe that we've been able to connect like this... Isn't technology wonderful?

ALGERNON: (calmer, but pleased)

It is boy, it surely is... Although I do hope that one day soon we'll be able to meet in person...

YETI: (showing interest)

Sure... Where is it you're living at the moment? Philadelphia, is it?

ALGERNON: (somewhat vague)

Well, yes... Mostly... But I travel... I think it's in the blood - as I hear you're very keen on it too...

YETI: (enthusiastically)

What? Travelling? Oh yes... I love it! I've been all over Europe - but I'd love to come to Philadelphia... Maybe I could arrange a trip for next year... I've been to America on a number of occasions...

ALGERNON: (taking charge)

Yes... Yes... I'n sure that would be possible... Although what I think would be better would be if I came to you... I have a long history with London and I have some business to attend over there too...

YETI: (encouraging)

Really? Well, that would be marvellous... Just let me know when you're coming... Do you have a date?

ALGERNON: (suddenly becoming very vague)

Well, no... No... Not yet... It all depends on my funding...

YETI: (curious/nosey)

Oh yes? Funding from your work?

ALGERNON: (sounding quite mysterious)

Kind of, yes...But it's... well... it's a little unconventional... I mean, you might think it is - but it's actually pretty normal for people these days - especially when you're self-employed like me...

YETI: (trying not to probe too much)

Oh... Yes... Right... I don't think I have a clear picture of what you actually do... I wasn't sure if the travelling was for work or for play...

ALGERNON: (still vague)

A little of both, of course - but no... I have quite a lot of claws in a number of different pies...

YETI: (politely)

Oooh... That sounds awfully exciting...

ALGERNON: (sounding genuine)

I import bobble-hats for kittens - very rich kittens... That's one of the things I do... Woollen ones... Expensive wool... From very shy koala bears...

YETI: (slightly lost for words)

Oh... Gosh... Interesting... I imagine bobble hats like that must be really quite expensive...

ALGERNON: (in agreement)

Oh they are... They are... Very expensive... But, of course, it's only a small part of what I get up to...

YETI: (trying to remain casual)

Gosh... Well, you must tell me more... If you'd like to...

ALGERNON: (warming to the subject of talking about himself)

Well, when I'm not importing ever-so expensive bobble-hats for ever-so rich kittens I am also a party planner... That's where I make most of my money, to be honest...

YETI: (enthused)

Wow! A party planner - an INTERNATIONAL party planner from the sounds of it... What? Rich people call you up and say - come here and organise some kind of fancy shindig for me?

ALGERNON: (modestly/non-committal)

Something like that...

YETI: (very impressed)

WOW! Golly, you don't half live a show-biz jet-setting life, Cousin Algie... I can't wait to hear more!

ALGERNON: (thoughtful)

Yes... Yes... Well, as soon as I can get over there... I either need a party to come up that is going on in London or I need my next online fund-raising total to reach its target...

YETI: (surprised)

Oh... You can't afford just to travel outside of work?

ALGERNON: (vaguely)

Alas, no... Obviously I have loads of money for an emergency - but I'm afraid it's all tied up in shares and property at the moment... I really must show you some of the photos...

YETI: (surprised/excited)

You're building a house?

ALGERNON: (sounding quite smug)

Well... It's more of a hotel... A resort, let's say... Or it will be once it's done...

YETI:

Oh, wow... Will I be able to visit?

ALGERNON: (so generous!)

When it's done - yes, of course... You should come and bring all your podcasting friends...

YETI: (dreaming big dreams)

I will... Yes... I have friends in the States... Maybe we could even have our next podcasting conference in your hotel - when it opens...

ALGERNON: (business-like)

That would be terrific... But why not organise some kind of fanclub show for your podcast in London - get me to organise it for you and then we'll get to meet... I'd like to say just pay for the flight - but inevitably there would be expenses - my accountant gets mad with me for doing unpaid work; even when it is for relatives...

YETI: (modestly/playful)

Sure... Sure... Still... I'm not sure I have enough fans in the UK - or even in the whole world to fill up a conference hall... maybe a telephone box... Ha! Even then there'd still be room for a merchandising table or two...

ALGERNON: (supportively)

Hey, guy! Don't sell yourself short...

YETI: (sounding positive and full of ideas)

No... No... I'm not... I'm just being realistic... Still... I have an idea...

ALGERNON: (almost affectionately)

Hey! Look... I'm going to have to go now, furry-guy...

YETI: (hopeful)

Can we speak again soon? I want to have a word with the listeners and then I'll have a plan to share with you...

ALGERNON: (in agreement)

Fine... Yes... Sure... Good to talk to you; speak to you later...

YETI: (enthused)

Bye now... Great to talk to you... Hey... Algie... I was going to ask... (but the call drops) Oh! Oh... Well, never mind... Hey, listeners! I have an idea... I want to help my cousin... I really want to meet him and I can tell that he's a pretty proud kind of yeti - there's no way that he's going to accept me buying him a ticket... But if I can help by getting him over here as some kind of crowd-funding deal then I'm pretty sure that he'll be fine with that... I just have to think of something that I can do that people would be prepared to donate money to see... I'm going to come up with something and then I'll call him back... If you have any ideas do please let me know, won't you? Thanks listeners... Back in a bit... Moving on... Listen to something else and I'll speak to you in a bit...

SCENE 2

To be played in the middle of the episode...

YETI: (excitedly)

Hello, listeners! Well, things are happening... I emailed Cousin Algernon with all my ideas and he seems to love them... We're about to speak again - at any minute, in fact... I do hope that he likes what I've come up with... As I explained before - I'm not averse to a spot of fund-raising... (Skype begins to ring) Oooh... There he is... Hello Cousin Algie! How are you? It's lovely to chat with you again! What's the weather like? Is it rainy? I bet it isn't - it's America, right - I bet it's sunny... Really sunny - like probably too sunny - the sort of sun which makes you feel like you're beginning to melt... (rambling now) Hey! Do you think that can actually happen? Can it actually get that hot? I mean in America - because clearly it can be hotter enough like... in a volcano, say - or up on the sun...

ALGIE: (slightly awkward)

Errr... Yeah... It is kind of sunny, for sure... But just ordinary sunny - nothing too extreme...

YETI: (enthusiastically)

Oh, I am glad... Listen now! I have so many ideas to tell you about... Ideas for things that you could do to raise money for your journey over here...

ALGIE: (surprised)

Things that I could do?

YETI: (confused)

Err... Yes...

ALGIE: (selflessly)

You would be helping too, I take it... I mean... It might be difficult for me to do some of the fund-raising things alone, but; well, I guess if I must then I must...

YETI: (supportively)

Oh no... Sure... Sure! It's definitely something that I could do too if you wanted me to help...

ALGIE: (more at ease/friendly)

Hey! That's really helpful of you - much appreciated... Any chance of a coffee, by the way...

YETI: (muddled)

Errr... Yeah... I... Suppose... Is that possible... Sorry! Sorry... I don't mean to be stupid - but we're talking about Skype here... If I make you a coffee here then how do I get it to you? Fax?

ALGIE: (cheerfully)

Ha! No! You're about twenty years too late... It's all emails these days!

YETI: (playing along and trying to change the subject slightly)

Ah yes... Of course it is... But surely... No... No... Never mind... So how do you see all this charitable business working exactly?

ALGIE: (in charge)

Ah... Don't you worry... I have a list of things...

YETI: (curious)

Things that we could do?

ALGIE: (quite commandingly)

Well... Not exactly... Things that you could do specifically... I have plans of my own - I'm sure you have your own ideas too that we can consider - I know you said that you wanted to help. That's right, isn't it?

YETI:

Oh yes! Yes... Sure! So if I do stuff this side of the pond - then what is it that you'll be doing where you are...

ALGIE: (vaguely)

Ah... Hmm... Well, you don't really need to know that... Not at the moment, at least - I don't want to confuse you... You look like the kind of yeti that could be easily confused... Am I right?

YETI: (slightly unsure)

Oh yes... Yes, I guess so... So what are your ideas specifically for me? Nothing dangerous, I hope!

ALGIE: (vaguely mocking)

Dangerous!? Well... No... I mean my first suggestion was a sponsored walk - so as long as you don't select a route along The Great Wall of China or anything...

YETI: (with humour)

I doubt it... I really don't think I'd be up to that... I'm not sure the wall would be up to it either...

ALGIE: (bluntly)

You're not THAT fat, surely!?!

YETI: (slightly offended)

I never mentioned my size, Cousin Algernon... I think it's a fact that you can't walk from one end of the wall to another... It's not accessible... It's just not...

ALGIE: (quite business-like, almost dismissive)

Whatever you say... So... First up... A sponsored walk...

YETI: (mutters)

Within reason...

ALGIE: (misunderstanding)

In a reasonable location, yes... Right...

YETI: (trying not to be rude)

Alright... And? What else? It's all pretty standard stuff, so far...

ALGIE: (slightly lost for ideas)

Can you tap dance?

YETI: (not sounding sure)

I can try...

ALGIE: (warming to the suggestion)

On actual taps? On an actual sink? That might be fun...

YETI: (really not sounding keen)

As I said just now - I can try if it is so required...

ALGIE: (enthusiastic)

What about giraffe surfing?

YETI: (concerned)

Is that even legal?

ALGIE: (trying to sound like he actually knows something about the subject)

It is if you're prepared to gargle custard on the top deck of a London bus at the same time...

YETI: (playful)

What do YOU know of London buses, may I ask? I'm the Londoner - not you...

ALGIE: (snooty)

I'm only telling you what I read on the internet...

YETI: (chuckling)

Oh! Well, they'll put anything on the internet these days... There are videos of me reading poems in another country on the internet... Who'd have thunk it thirty years ago...

ALGIE: (bossy-sounding)

No-one probably... Right! Okay... Well, I've emailed you your instructions - so go check it out and get our plans in action; it should all come together pretty quickly if we get our act together...

YETI: (enthused again)

Come together? Really? Gosh... Right... Whatever you say... And what is that you're going to do again?

ALGIE: (hurriedly)

I will exist! It'll work! Just you see! Look... Got to go... Busy! Busy! Busy! (the call is broken)

YETI: (muttering to himself)

Oh! Really!? Gosh... What an odd sort of fellow he is... Now then... Let me see this email... Sorry, listeners - I've just got to look at this for a moment - sorry to keep you...

THIS WILL PROBABLY GO INTO AN AB-LIBBED SCENE WITH PAUL AND YETI UNCLE JOHN DISCUSSING THE BIZARRE CONTENTS OF THE EMAIL!!

SCENE 3

To be played towards the end of the episode...

YETI: (excitedly)

Hi listeners! I'm really quite tired today... I've spent the last few hours quite literally running around! I've done all manner of events for charity over the last week - raising money so Long Lost Cousin Algernon can come visit! The good news is that we've hit the target and I'm about to speak to him now to let him know that we've reached the goal and that he can finally come over and visit - we can finally meet! (There is the Skype noise in the background and Mr Yeti's voice brightens) That'll be him now! Hello! Hello!?! Cousin Algernon! Hello! It's me - your cousin, Shy Yeti... How are you?

ALGIE: (sounding distracted)

Oh... Yes... Yes... I'm fine... How are you doing? You said you had something to tell me...

YETI: (over-enthusiastic)

I've raised you the money, Cousin Algernon! We've done it!?

ALGIE: (keen, but not too over-the-top)

Marvellous! I knew I could... We could, sorry... Apologies...

YETI: (supportively)

No! No! If it hadn't have been for your ideas and encouragement...

ALGIE: (vaguely apologetic)

Good point! No... No... That's fair! I'm only sorry that I couldn't have done more myself; but you know how it is!

YETI: (hopeful)

Err... I guess so... Have you booked your tickets yet?

ALGIE: (distracted)

Booked my what?

YETI: (helpful)

Your tickets... To come to London...

ALGIE: (suddenly catching on)

Oh... No... No, not yet... I'll do it tonight, I promise...

YETI: (becoming overly perky)

Well, just let me know your dates and I'll get the time off - this is going to be so exciting and hopefully all my blisters from the sponsored events I undertook will be healed up by then...

ALGIE: (quick to get away)

I'm sure they will... Look - I've gotta go... I'll be in touch... Just wanted to let you know that I got the money and I'm looking forward to buying those plane tickets... Thanks again for all your help...

YETI:

Oh... No trouble at all... Hey... By the way... I've been working out an itinerary for your trip... I'll mail it over so you can let me know if you want to change or alter anything...

ALGIE:

Okay... Sounds great... Gotta go...

YETI:

Oh! Oh... Yes... Okay... See you soon, Cousin Algernon... See you soon...

The line falls dead...

BRIEF DIALOGUE 1

To be played after the end titles... Cousin Algernon leaves a message for Shy Yeti...

ALGIE: (upbeat)

Hi Yeti! It's me Cousin Algernon... How are you doing? Listen... Something's come up at work - things are a bit weird at the moment and I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to be able to get away to come over and visit you... Luckily I hadn't booked my tickets yet - but the money's there and safely banked - so as soon as I know when I can make this trip over to you then I'll be back in touch and I'll get something booked... Loved that itinerary thing that you emailed me - it all looks very good... Gotta go... Sorry about this... I'll call you again soon... Take care... Loving the podcast... You Brits... So silly,... Bye now!

The line falls dead...

BRIEF DIALOGUE 2

To be played after the end titles... Cousin Algernon leaves a message for an unknown caller - it might be Zap depending on when the episode is released - or it may be some other character; Other Dimensional Paul etc??

ALGIE: (more sly, somewhat suspicious)

Hey, it's me, Algernon... Yeah... Sure... Yes, I did what you said... No, I didn't speak to him - I just left a message... Yes... I was really upbeat... He'll never suspect a thing... Okay, yes... Yes, alright... I'll wait to hear from you... No... No... He has no idea... No idea at all... Come on, that Yeti is about as smart as a bag of rocks - it will never even occur to him... Okay... Okay, yes... Speak to you again soon... Goodbye now... Goodbye...

The line falls dead...

TO BE CONTINUED...

This script is copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.

Wednesday, 7 March 2018

THE RETURN OF THE CRYPTKEEPER...

THE RETURN OF THE CRYPTKEEPER BELATED-XMAS SPECIAL!!

This script was written in January 2018 to be included as links for an episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST where Mr Yeti pretends it's Halloween so as not to embarrass a forgetful crypt-keeper... The rest of this episode will be ad-libbed around these scripted scenes/links for release in the Spring.

SCENE 1

To be played right at the start of the episode...

PAUL: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Hello listeners! I'm feeling a bit embarrassed today... I've had a bit of a memory lapse and I want to make amends... Let me explain! Do you remember friend of the show, Gordon The Crypt-keeper? When we met him last time I completely told him that he could co-host the Christmas Special episode with me - but then Yeti Uncle John and I got distracted by ghost hunting in the college and the rest of the team went to see Dameus at Tallulah's Christmas Concert and I completely forgot to involve Gordon! Oops... Here he comes... Wish me luck!

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (yokel accent, attempting doom)

Note: Mr Trowby. Please adapt any lines to accommodate additional yokelisms. Thank you.

Oh! Hello you! How lovely to see you, Mr Yeti! How are you doing?

PAUL: (surprised)

Oh... Oooooh... I'm okay... I didn't expect to find you in quite such a merry mood...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (jovial)

Why's that? Because I'm the crypt-keeper? Oh well... No... That's just my job, as you know... I'm really quite a jolly fellow when I not keeping crypts and looking mysterious... I've been expecting you! I'm just happy to see you and all your podcast listeners... I know why you're here!

PAUL: (apologetically)

Ah yes... I'm awfully sorry I'm late...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (reassuringly)

Late? No... You're not late... We've plenty of time...

PAUL: (confused)

We have? You DO know why we're here, right?

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (enthused)

Of course... To record the Shy Life Christmas Special! Well, here I am... I'm ready! Let's do it...

PAUL: (trying to organise himself)

Oh... Oh! Yes... Right... Okay... That'll be great... Sorry I didn't send you the script in advance - we're a bit behind... You know what it's like...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (quite blasé - slightly sadly)

Oh yes... Of course... The podcasting world must be terribly chaotic! Not like my world... Everyone's just dead here...

PAUL: (distracted)

Sure... Sure...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON: (busily)

Well, let me just put the kettle on and I'll be back with you... I'll brew us up a nice pot of belly button fluff tea - you'll like that, right? Everyone like belly button fluff tea, don't they? You'll be alright waiting a few minutes, I'm sure...

PAUL: (jovially)

Err, yes... Of course.. Yes... Yes! I'll just... err... talk to the listeners...

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON:

Good stuff! Back in a minute!! You'll have to meet Dolly... She's in today...

PAUL: (unsure)

Dolly?

CRYPT-KEEPER GORDON:

The Crypt-keeper queen! She's kind of my boss... It's a long story... You'll love her...

PAUL: (to the listeners)

Great! Oh deary me... Well, what could I do, listeners? I don't know what's going on here - but I just noticed that Gordon's still got his 2017 calendar up... Maybe they've lost track of time here and don't realise that they've missed Christmas... I think I'm just going to pretend that I didn't know either... I'm going to record the episode with them and YOU LOT are going to have to sit there and pretend that you think that it's just before Christmas too... Okay? OKAY! Good! Behave yourselves, won't you? I'm sure you will... Right... Without further ado - let's run the theme tune... (the theme tune begins)

SCENE 2

To be played right after the main theme music...

PAUL: (in a stage-y whisper)

Hello again listeners! Oh dear, what a pickle I've gotten myself into now! Oops... Here comes Gordon,.. Just play along won't you? Thanks... (turning back to his friend) Heeellllloooo, Gordon! Looking very festive... That white beard really suits you - although I'm not sure it'll really be of much use on the podcast - still, maybe we can take a photo of you to use as show art...

GORDON: (mumbling under the beard)

Mumble-mumble-mumble...

PAUL: (confused)

I beg your pardon?

GORDON: (pulling the beard aside slightly)

I'm sorry... I said, I'm sure it'll be just fine - it'll get me into a more Christmassy mood...

PAUL: (politely)

Yes, yes - indeed... Just make sure the listeners can hear what you're saying!

GORDON: (apologetically)

Mumble-mumble-mumble... I'm sorry... I said... Okay, boss!!

PAUL: (with genuine praise)

That's very good...

GORDON: (nervously excited)

So what are we going to do? Sing some carols maybe? Do a little dance? What do podcast listeners like to listen to at Christmas? I really have no idea myself - this is a completely different world for me!

PAUL: (sympathetically)

Why, of course? What is your typical Christmas - the doomier gloomier side, one presumes?

GORDON: (with regret)

You could say that! It's hard to cheer people up when at the same time you're carting them off to the grave - I mean, I do my best - throw in the odd one-liner here and there, but I think it would probably be fair to say that my audience is never exactly in the mood for whatever humorous line I'm trying to peddle...

PAUL: (sounding slightly pretentious)

Oh, I am sorry... A comedy genius is rarely appreciated in his or her time... There are many who are applauded whilst they're alive - but many don't deserve it and those of us who end up as the unwilling audience would really rather they just shrivelled up and went away...

GORDON: (lowering his voice, chuckling)

Naming no names, right? Are you still jealous that Deeley The Cat still gets all the best lines on your show?

PAUL: (trying not to sound hurt)

Please refrain from bringing that up - it still upsets me on occasion - but at least he IS family, so part of me is still very proud for all of his successes...

GORDON: (sounding impressed)

That album of Atomic Kitten cover versions that he released was surprisingly experimental...

PAUL: (in agreement)

Indeed... You're not wrong... I believe that the NME gave him a 4 star review...

GORDON: (reflecting happily)

Well deserved, I'd say... Aww... (ponders for a moment) Podcaster's cats are always just ESPECIALLY cute, I always think!

PAUL: (starting to sound impatient)

Yes, yes... I'm well aware of that...

GORDON: (continuing oblivious)

Cats are ALSO Christmassy...

PAUL: (curious)

How so?

GORDON: (clearly enjoying imagining this)

Dress them in tinsel and put a seasonably festive hat on their heads and you'll see what I mean!

PAUL: (delicately)

Fair enough - but I hadn't planned any Christmas cat activity for this episode... I'm afraid "Never work with yeti poets and crypt-keepers" tends to be their motto...

GORDON: (over-excited)

Aww... I think you made that last bit up... Oooh! I have cat-nip too... I'm wearing it in my false nose!

PAUL: (relieved)

That's a false nose? Well, that explains it... I didn't like to say just in case I was mistaken... Now listen... You go and put the kettle on and when you come back I will have a complete Christmas line-up for us - you'll need tea to keep your vocal-chords perky...

GORDON: (enthusiastic)

Well, I never... When I return I'll introduce you to Dolly like I promised...

PAUL: (sounding a little patronising)

FANTASTIC... Now run along...

GORDON:

I won't be five minutes... Well... Maybe five - after all the kettle takes at least 3 minutes to boil...

PAUL:

Sure! Sure... (mutters to the audience) Listeners, I still have no idea what we're going to do... Can't you suggest something? Let's delve into the archives or read a poem or something - give you a chance to think... Come on now - I'm depending on you!

SCENE 3

Midway through the episode - Gordon returns and this time he brings Dolly...

PAUL: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Dear-oh-dear, listeners... I'm running out of time - I've still got no ideas for what we should record - especially not on a Christmas theme - and now here comes Gordon...

GORDON: (enthused)

Hello! Are you ready to start? Dolly will be here in a minute,,, I was thinking that maybe you could ask me what my favourite Christmassy things are - I know it sounds pretty ordinary - but nobody has probably ever asked that of a crypt-keeper - so it might even play out as a first!

PAUL: (relieved)

Ah! Indeed... Yes! What a good idea! Let's do that...

GORDON: (keenly)

Oh! Here comes Dolly... Dolly! Over here, me dear...

DOLLY: (bluntly)

Hello, boney - how's you? Oooh. Who's ya friend? Why's he all wrapped up, like? I mean it's cold - but it's not that cold...

PAUL: (lost for words)

I... err... well...

GORDON: (affectionately)

Dolly! You daft thing... That's not a coat - that's his fur... He's a yeti...

PAUL: (slightly annoyed)

I'd like to add that I am wearing clothes - they're just a little hidden... I'm not standing here topless, you know... What kind of hussy yeti do you take me for?

GORDON: (sincerely)

Apologies... Of course not... Ah yes... I see it now... What a lovely tank-top...

PAUL: (curtly)

It's actually a waistcoat - but thank you all the same...

DOLLY: (slightly suspiciously)

A yeti, aye... That's very modern of you... What made you want to be a yeti?

PAUL: (attempting not to sound too annoyed)

It was always my ambition - but being born one helped...

DOLLY: (speaking at him as if he's old and deaf)

Oh... He's quick... Funny too... I said you're funny, Mr Yeti... Quite the wit...

GORDON: (speaking amongst themselves as if he can't hear)

He is very amusing, isn't he?

DOLLY: (in half-hearted agreement)

I guess so... Nice shoes too...

GORDON: (enthused)

They are kind of swanky, aren't they?

PAUL: (trying his very hardest to sound flattered)

So very kind... Very nice to meet you, Dolly... Did you... err... want to take part in our Christmas episode too?

DOLLY: (not sounding exactly enthusiastic, but trying to be helpful)

Well, I can tap-dance - depends whether you've brought any taps with you... Hey? Hey?

GORDON: (clearly quite enamoured)

Oh, Dolly... You're such a giggle... Isn't she such a giggle, Mr Yeti?

PAUL: (politely)

Yes! Yes! She's a scream...

GORDON: (suddenly ready to perform)

Will we be starting soon?

PAUL: (taken a little bit off-guard)

What? Oh... Yes... Definitely... But... errr... What about a costume for Dolly? Do you have anything suitable ready prepared? This may be a podcast but we still need costumes and after all you've made such a splendid effort yourself!

GORDON: (slightly embarrassed by his own failure here)

Oh! I completely forgot! How stupid of me! Come on Dolly... We need to get you suited and booted - you'll be alright as an elf won't you? (Dolly just mutters - not fully replying) Oh - and of course - I also need to get the reindeer into position; I need them to practice their dance steps... You will wait for us, won't you, yeti?

PAUL: (politely/relieved)

Of course! Yes... Don't rush... (turning back to listeners) Blimey, listeners... I suppose I better scribble something down by way of a script... Why don't you listen to this next bit and I'll get my thinking hat on!

SCENE 4

Paul is back - he is trying to sound keen, but speaks to the listeners first... In the background we hear Gordon doing vocal warm-ups! (please record these sounds and I'll dub them behind my lines!)

PAUL: (hurriedly)

Hello listeners! Oh dear... What a mess I've got myself into here... Still... Let's just not worry too much about this and simply forge forward... Gordon and Dolly will be back in a minute and we've just got to embrace the whole Christmas spirit - even though it's months past Christmas... They don't seem to know that for some reasons... Oh well! Let them have their fun, right!? We'll sing some carols - jingle some bells and maybe crack open a few ho, ho, hos... Listen? That's him doing his vocal warm-ups... He's so enthusiastic... I can't let him down can I?

There is suddenly a noise - an ouch... Something has gone wrong with Gordon's vocal warm-ups...

(concerned) Oh dear! What's happened now? That doesn't sound too good... Oh, here comes Dolly - I'm sure she'll have an explanation...

DOLLY: (apologetically)

We've got a problem... He's got himself into a bit of a tizzy...

GORDON: (croaks)

I'm so sorry, yeti... It's me voice... I've gone and over-done it!

PAUL: (confused)

You did what? What's happened exactly?

DOLLY: (matter-of-factly)

As I say, he got himself over excited... He was doing his vocal exercises and got himself wound up in the tinsel and only went and swallowed a bauble...

PAUL: (concerned)

Good grief! Is he alright?!

DOLLY: (not exactly sounding convinced by her own words)

Oh... He'll be fine... Eventually...

GORDON: (weakly)

Maybe you could come back when I'm feeling better...

DOLLY: (sympathetic but insistent)

I don't think there will be time, Gordon... You have work responsibilities and... well.., Christmas is Christmas, isn't it? By the time you're feeling better it'll be after Christmas... Maybe you can be involved next time, aye!?

GORDON: (slightly embarrassed)

Oh... Yeti... One million apologies... One million and one apologies...

PAUL: (trying not to reveal how relieved he is)

Oh... Don't worry about it Gordon, old fella... We'll sort it out... You have to be careful with baubles in future - they're very easy to swallow...

DOLLY: (in complete agreement, bluntly)

When you've got a gob as big as his it is, that's for sure...

GORDON: (sounding harassed)

DOLLY!!

PAUL: (not sounding very keen)

Oh dear... I mean if you still want to join in Dolly then I'm sure Gordon could still rattle a tambourine...

DOLLY: (distant)

No... Sorry... I don't think so... Thanks but no thanks... I've got 17 pair of socks to knit for the local badger Kung-fu and cream tea consortium... I'll never get finished if I stand around gassing all afternoon...

PAUL: (distracted, we hear Gordon muttering in reply)

Oh... Dear... Well... Right... (turning to the listeners) Well, listeners - this is a fine pickle - but it may just have gotten me out of tricky situation... (turning back to Gordon) What a shame about all this - I'm so sorry, Gordon... Did you swallow the bauble right down or is it stuck down there somewhere? Really? Oh, dear... How awkward... Have you tried doing the Conga? No... But it might be worth trying - get things moving a bit - you might perhaps shift it... Listeners... It's probably best if you go and listen to something from the archives... I'll speak to you again at the end... Alright... Thank you! Enjoy!

Gordon doesn't sound too impressed - we move on...

SCENE 5

Paul has already said goodbye to the listeners and the end titles have played - this last scene appears right at the end...

PAUL: (apologetically)

Oh, hello again... I can't believe I let myself be dragged into discussing Christmas when we're far closer to Easter! Apologies... I do hope you enjoyed the episode anyway... Oh, by the way - Gordon coughed up the bauble and is doing fine... Oh... Here he comes... Gordon! Feeling better?!

GORDON: (still rather croaky)

A lot better now, yes thank you... I must admit I do feel a bit embarrassed about spoiling your Christmas episode... I presume you'll be able to go on without me - I just don't think I'm going to be well enough in time...

PAUL:

No... No... That's fine... I quite understand...

GORDON:

Maybe another time?

PAUL: (trying to show some keenness)

What about the Summer Special - we could do something for that, maybe...

GORDON: (concerned)

Good plan! Yes! You will tell the listeners that I really did swallow a bauble, won't you? I wouldn't want them thinking that I was only pretending - this is the trouble with audio; nobody can completely trust that what you're saying is actually real...

PAUL: (winding up the conversation)

Especially when it's the news... It's all put together by a bunch of R.A.D.A. students with stuck on side-burns and party hats apparently - they just make it up as they go along... (Gordon makes a shocked WOW noise) Anyway! The listeners will understand... Listen now, I better get on - I'll be in touch about some kind of future collaboration... Give my best wishes to Dolly... She's okay, I trust?

GORDON: (sounding slightly horrified)

She's okay - she's just spin-drying the Christmas decorations... We couldn't remember which of the baubles that I swallowed - it was just better to wash the whole lot of them...

PAUL: (trying not to sound too impatient)

Oh yes... I guess so... Well, now... We'll be in touch!

GORDON: (enthusiastic)

Excellent yeti... Happy Christmas...

PAUL: (keen, then with voice lowered)

Err, yeah... Happy Christmas... (turning back to the listeners) Well, listeners... It was nice to catch up with him anyway... I'm sure we'll see him again...

DOLLY RETURNS...

DOLLY: (her voice also lowered)

Has he gone?

GORDON: (confirming, his voice also lowered)

He's gone, yes indeed...

DOLLY: (hopeful)

So we don't have to keep pretending that we think it's Christmas...

GORDON: (relieved)

No, thank goodness... Poor fellow... I blame it on all those podcast episodes that he produces - it addles him...

DOLLY: (with regret)

Must do... It's understandable... Ah well... Hey... You don't think the listeners are still listening do you?

GORDON: (confident)

No... They'll have left when he did...

DOLLY:

Do you think? (pauses)

GORDON:

Hello? Listeners? (pauses) Nah... They've gone...

DOLLY: (perking up)

Time for a nice cup of tea then...

GORDON: (in agreement)

Splendid...

DOLLY: (slightly impatient)

Well, hurry up then...

GORDON: (apologetic)

Oh... Sorry... Bauble-injury... No, no... I'm fine...

DOLLY:

Hmm...

This script was written between Wednesday 3rd and Thursday 25th January 2018, with revisions made between 30th January and 6th March 2018