JAY THE HAUNTCUB - LINES FOR #300

LINES FOR HAUNTY – EPISODE 300…

* Scene breakdown…

·         Haunty is a bit late and apologises to Paul

·         Haunty and Dameus

·         Bettina and Haunty – before and down the aisle

·         Haunty outraged

·         Haunty furious, but calmer afterwards

·         Haunty worried that Bettina won’t take his call

Haunty is late and apologises to Paul

Haunty:

Sorry yeti – apologies – I thought I was going to be late! I’m not, am I?

Paul:

No! No! It’s fine… What happened? Traffic problems, I heard...

Haunty:

Well, partly, yes... But I had some trouble with Aragog - you know - my eight-legged child...

Paul:

Yes... Yes... Of course! Were you needed to help with urgent home-work or something? Being a dad can be very tiring, can't it? At least that's what Deeley tells me - he has three of us to look after!

Haunty:

He's not wrong... No... Originally Aragog was going to be the ring-bearer...

Paul:

Blimey! That would have been pretty ambitious; original too though!

Haunty:

Yes... That's what I thought; but it was not to be...

Paul:

Ah! What changed the plans exactly?

Haunty:

Aragog refused to travel by anything other than private jet and I just couldn't afford it...

Paul:

Fair enough; although it's understandable - hopefully we'll meet another time!

Haunty:

I do hope so... Come and visit... You really must!

Paul:

I'd love to! Love to! Hey! Time's getting on - you ought to go and get ready...

Haunty:

Sure... Sure... Is there somewhere I can go to change?

Paul:

Yes... Yes... Just down there... The door is marked - Gentlemen's Waiting Area... You may bump into Dameus - he's just having 40 winks before the ceremony... Just be careful not to make him jump - you know how nervous he gets...

Haunty:

Oh! Oh, okay... Sure... Thanks, yeti - see you in a moment... This is exciting! I'm getting nervous!

Paul:

Ha! Me too!

Haunty and Dameus

Haunty is heading to get changed for the ceremony and he bumps into Dameus in the corridor...

Haunty:

Hi, listeners - it's me... Haunty... I'm in a bit of a hurry to get ready but I had to just pause to say hello more directly to you... Dameus is meant to be around here somewhere, but I've not bumped into him yet... I'll just make my miraculous change in here - I shouldn't bother him... Anyway, it's been quite a busy day travelling here by rollercoaster - you wouldn't believe the delays I've had... Anyway... I'm really glad that I've made it - this really is going to be the wedding of the year... (there is a noise outside) Oh! What's that? Sorry, listeners - I'm just going to have a look outside... Hello? (we hear the door creak open) Hello!? Who is that?

Dameus:

It is me... Mr Dameus Of The Twinklehorns...

Haunty:

Dameus! Ha! You're funny! How are you doing? Sorry I'm running late... I'm just getting changed right this minute...

Dameus:

Of course... You are Jay The Hauntcub...

Haunty:

Err... Yeah! And you're Dameus Twinklehorn... Are you okay? Paul said you were napping...

Dameus:

I am fine, thank you, yes... I must be going... I need to be getting wedded...

Haunty:

Oh yes... Of course... Well, I'll be there in a minute... (hurriedly) Sorry, listeners - got to dash... See you later! Wish me luck! I need to get my tie straightened and THEN I need to find Miss Bettina Du Pres! She's going to have a very busy and important afternoon ahead of her!

Bettina and Haunty – before and down the aisle

Bettina tells Haunty that she is nervous...

Bettina:

Darling! I'm so glad you're able to be at my side... I'm ridiculously nervous, you know!

Haunty:

Oh, no... Bettina... Don't be nervous... This is your special day... You've been looking forward to it for months...

Bettina:

Yes... This is true, Jay dear...

Haunty:

Do you want me to fetch Aunt Tappie - I'm slightly surprised that you didn't want one last word with her before... well... you know...

Bettina:

No! No! Don't bother her, dear - I told her to sit at the front with Toppie - she's still quite tired after the journey over...

Haunty:

I guess so... Yes... So what CAN I do to reassure you?

Bettina:

Oh, Jay - you are a sweetheart... I don't think you can do anything... I don't think you need to - just get me down that aisle with a smile on my face and your job will be done...

Haunty:

Well, of course I will - but... I hate to ask this, but you're not having second thoughts are you?

Bettina:

Second thoughts? No... Honestly! No... Not even third or fourth thoughts... It's just that... well... I'm sure this isn't news to you Jay, but it's not my first time down the aisle, if you see what I mean... I can't help but be just a little cynical about the whole event...

Haunty:

I suppose... But this is different, surely - you and Dameus - you're good together, aren't you?

Bettina:

Better than husband number one, most certainly... Ha! Oh... Dameus and I have had our disagreements, sure - mostly about money - but yes... you're right - we are good together...

Haunty:

Well, I'm glad to hear you say that...

Bettina:

Yes... Well, the only trouble is - I'm pretty sure that I said much the same before I married Husband Number One...

Haunty:

Hmm... But this was years back, right?

Bettina:

Yes... Centuries ago... I'm joking; although we were both very young... well, younger...

Haunty:

So who was he? You've never really mentioned him before; not to me, at least... Does Paul know more?

Bettina:

No... I've never spoken to Paul about him... Not even to Tappie... To be perfectly honest, I daren't even say his name - there might be a mirror in the room; did you ever see the movie, Candyman?

Haunty:

Of course, but I'm not convinced that saying your ex's name is suddenly going to conjure him up...

Bettina:

Perhaps not, dear... Still... This IS The Shy Life Podcast...

Haunty:

Hmm... Anyway, now is not the time to be bringing up the past, right - I get it...

Bettina:

I'll tell you all about him one day... He was an American... I can't keep away from your country - I just can't; there's just something irresistible about the men... (she laughs)

Haunty:

Oh! Paul's giving us a sign from the main hall... Are you ready to go?

Bettina:

Oh Jay - is this really about to happen!? Hold me! Just for a moment - I mustn't cry - I'll spoil my make-up!

Haunty:

Sweetie, don't - I'll spoil mine if you start!

Bettina:

Ha! You daft thing, you... Come on... Enough of this - let's go... Best foot forward!

Haunty: (in agreement)

Best foot forward! You look a million dollars...

Bettina:

One million and one dollars... (she does her familiar laugh)

Jay laughs too and they head off down the aisle...

Bettina: (at a whisper)

Wow... So many people...

Haunty:

Isn't there just!? I presume you did actually invite them all...

Bettina: (playful)

Darling! I thought they were all with you!

Haunty: (joking)

No! Not with me; are we even in the right building!?!

Bettina:

Ha! Silly... Shut up and keep walking...

Haunty: (with mock respect)

Yes, marm... Will do...

Haunty outraged

Haunty is outraged by what has just occurred...

Haunty:

Yeti! What the hell is going on here? I don't understand...

Paul:

We're really not sure, Jay - but believe me - we're trying to find out...

Haunty:

Well, what can I do? Look at Bettina... She's just sitting there - she's in a world of her own... Is it safe to move her to another room - a quieter space?

Paul:

Umm... Ikk? What do you think?

Ikk:

Yes, I think so, Paul! Jay The Hauntcub - please can you take her back to the dressing room whilst we try and work out what's gone on... I thank you...

Haunty:

Of course! I swear, when I find out who's done this to Bettina I'm going to slap him in the face with a wet kipper...

Paul:

Careful, Jay... Whoever it is might enjoy that!

Ikk:

It may even be a woman! We simply don't know!

Haunty:

But what the hell happened to Dameus!?!

Paul:

I'm not sure; that's what we intend to find out... Please Jay - if you could just get Bettina out of here...

Haunty:

Absolutely yes... Yeti... If you need me I'll be consoling a living legend in the back of an expensive limousine in a wind-swept car-park somewhere in the Surrey Hills...

Paul:

Err yes... Of course...

Ikk:

Golly! He has a way with words that Jay The Hauntcub! I never knew he was quite so passionate!

Paul:

Check out some of those old episodes of LOTSL - when he gets going; you'll be surprised...

(return to adlib scenes)

Haunty furious, but calmer afterwards

Haunty is furious - but time has passed and he is calmer...

Paul:

Ah! Jay! There you are...

Haunty:

Sorry yeti... I couldn't find the limousine - so we ended up back here in the dressing room... What's going on?

Paul:

Well... It's all pretty complicated - but we're beginning to make some sense of it... Actually - no, that's a lie - we're not making much sense of it at all... Where's Bettina?

Haunty:

Just powdering her nose - she'll be back in a minute... Is there any news of Dameus?

Paul:

No... Nothing... He appears to have left the building...

Haunty:

Was he EVER actually here? I mean - I saw what I thought was him in the corridor before the ceremony and he was acting oddly then... But now it looks like it might have been this other guy - the shape-changer, I suppose...

Paul:

I'm pretty sure Dameus was really at the very start when we first arrived - I spoke to him; he was our normal Dameus... Only somewhere along the way - possibly when he headed off to have his nap - well, the imposter took his place...

Haunty:

But who IS that guy?

Paul:

We've no idea yet... I'm sure we'll find out... The Police are taking him down the Station for questioning... He seems pretty confused himself...

Haunty:

Well, if he's an actor he could just be acting confused!

Paul:

Good point... Hmm... What's keeping Bettina? She's very quiet in there...

Haunty:

She is a bit... Let me go check! (he goes away) OH MY GOODNESS! YETI!

Paul:

What!? What's happened now?

Haunty:

She's just grabbed her handbag and her suitcase and she's shot off down the fire escape!

Paul:

She's done WHAT!?!

Haunty:

Look... There she is! In the distance! Do you see her! BETTINA! WAIT! There she goes - across the car park... Should I go after her?

Paul:

No... No... There's no point - don't you see - she has a taxi waiting... I guess she wants out of here and who can blame her?

Haunty:

I suppose so... Perhaps we should give her an hour or two and then call her mobile?

Paul:

Yes, maybe... How did she seem when you spoke with her?

Haunty:

She didn't say much at all - but I didn't really expect her to...

Paul:

But not so much as a tear? A smutty comment? She didn't even try and goose you? Nothing?

Haunty:

Nothing! But then she had just gone through a complete calamity...

Paul:

Yes... Yes... I suppose so... I wonder...

Haunty:

What yeti? What are you thinking?

Paul:

I'm not sure... I need to go and do something... I'll see you back in the main hall in ten minutes...

Haunty:

Okay... I'll be waiting, yeti...

Haunty worried that Bettina won’t take his call

Haunty had tried to call Bettina but got no reply...

Paul:

Ah! Jay! There you are...

Haunty:

What's going on? Has there been any news?

Paul:

No... Nothing yet, I'm afraid... What about you?

Haunty:

I don't know if it was too soon - but I tried to call Bettina...

Paul:

And? What happened?

Haunty:

Nothing... Nothing at all - it just went through to answer machine...

Paul:

Hmm... Much as I expected... I think we'll have to wait until she wants to contact us...

Haunty:

Do you think she's going to be okay? I really think she'd turn to Tappie?

Paul:

Oh... Goodness knows... Those two are great friends - but they can also be rivals, at times; they can compete... I'm not sure Tappie is exactly Dameus's biggest fan, so maybe Bettina doesn't feel like sharing with her; perhaps she will later... I think Bettina just panicked and wanted to get away - there probably wasn't a lot of thought in it...

Haunty:

Poor Bettina... She didn't deserve this - not any of it...

Haunty: (this is a message on her answer machine)

Bettina! This is me! Jay The Hauntcub! Are you okay? Please call us to let us know where you are - to let us know that you're alright! Everyone is worried about you... If you need Tappie to be there with you she'll be there - or me, I can come and find you... Please just get in contact... We're worried about you... Okay? We're here to help you...

Brief Scene For Another Episode

Cousin Algernon Speaking With Bettina In The Hospital

Bettina:

Algernon! Darling! How ARE you? It's so wonderful of you to come to the hospital to help me out like this...

Algernon:

Bettina! Please - don't give it a second thought - it's my pleasure... I've told you before... Anything you need - you only have to ask...

Bettina:

Algernon... You're such a gentleman... Sometimes it's hard to even imagine that you're related to Paul; let alone that scallywag Yeti Uncle John - you have a class and style that simply eludes them...

Algernon:

Ah! Bless them... My long lost family! Of course I only vaguely even know them... (chuckles)

Bettina:

Aw! But they are your relatives - surely you want to get to know them better... And Paul - Shy Yeti - he has been in touch, I believe...

Algernon:

In passing, yes... Bettina, dear... I was teasing you; but I really don't know them very well - not yet, at least...

Bettina:

It seems incredible - but I suppose there are members of my own family who I would never even recognise should I happen to walk past them on the streets of Milan or Paris, say...

Algernon:

Paul and John are from very different parts of my family, of course - and then there is the distance...

Bettina:

Indeed... Still... You're here now... Had you arrived a moment or two later then you'd have met a couple of Paul's co-hosts - they were actually here - just popping in to say hello...

Algernon:

Ah! Yes... I did see two rather odd-looking fellows leaving as I arrived... One with very big hair and the other with a rather prominent nose...

Bettina:

Yes! Yes! That's them... I sent them on their way - I knew you were due to be arriving at any minute...

Algernon:

Of course, if you'd rather have gone home with them; I quite understand - we can call them back...

Bettina:

No! No! Not at all... I much prefer your company, Algie dear - as I said to you at the charity ball the other night... It's so nice to get some intelligent conversation that isn't all about hat stands, fruit bowls - or tea kettles!

Algernon:

My preferred range of conversation topics are somewhat broader than that... Well now! I haven't even asked; are you feeling better - when are they going to discharge you?

Bettina:

Imminently, darling! Turns out it was all a fuss about nothing! The x-rays confirm it! Just a bad sprain!

Algernon:

I'm glad to hear it! What WERE you doing up a ladder in the loft anyway!

Bettina:

Oh! It's a long story, darling... I'll tell you in the taxi on the way to Rules Restaurant...

Algernon:

Ah... It really is true what they say about you - you really do love to live in utter luxury...

Bettina:

Ha! My treat, Algie dear...

Algernon:

Oh! In THAT case... Bettina - it sounds terrific, but you really don't have to...

Bettina:

Oh, but I do... I need cheering up...

Algernon:

Well, if you say so... Who am I to argue? I hear that Rules Restaurant is absolutely marvellous...

Bettina:

Oh! It is, Algie... It really is! Ah... Here comes the doctor now... Just you watch me sweet talk him - he'll be signing the discharge papers quicker than you'll even have time to call for a taxi...

Algernon:

Ha! I don't doubt it for a moment... Let me just go and make that call...

Bettina:

Excellent! Doctor! How wonderful to see me... Don't worry... I won't charge you for my time... Now then... When do I get to leave your quaint little hospital... My dinner date for the evening is here to whisk me away - I'm sure you'll remember from experience quite how much I hate to let down my admirers...

(she laughs and the scene fades down)

Completed: 18/10/2019

CURRENT EPISODES OF THE SHY LIFE PODCAST

MAJOR SHY LIFE PODCAST EPISODES

COMING SOON!!!

REVELATIONS!! 

Future plot twists! Cousin Algernon is the current Controller!!

At Bettina’s wedding Dameus is revealed to be shape-changer Zap, but it’s not really Zap it’s just one of his followers. (We May or May not reveal this until later!)

So Dameus goes missing; but where is he? We search for him but can’t find him. There are rumours that he died. An unidentified body has been found – but Bettina will not believe it.

We often hear flashbacks to him and Bettina.

Bettina eventually hooks up with Long Lost Cousin Algernon having been turned down by Haunty.

We later discover that Algernon arranged to kidnap Dameus – partly he is furious that SLP has been saying bad things about Control Inc, plus other reasons.

Dameus escapes but will he be too late? Plus further twists...

What will be the episode 400 twist? 

DAMEUS'S BIRTHDAY WISH...

A 2 part story with a third associated episode...

Part 1

It is Dameus’s birthday. We don’t give an exact date. Just TODAY!! Cromitty asks him what he’d like as a present. Dameus is also jealous of Jay and finds the message that he recorded recently. He even imagines him as a rival. (Jay gets to act like her boyfriend!) He says just for Bettina to have more faith in him, for him to forget the past. Cromitty calls her up and hypnotises her to relax. There may be contributions from Toppie/Tappie and even Jay (it shocks her to realise that she has forgotten who he is, but he sends her a clip from an old party they both attended.) Dameus comes home and she’s has forgotten him and calls the Police! There are also SP clips and maybe poems too.

Part 2

The Police come (maybe Freakquincy), but Martin is there. Paul is able to reassure Bettina that all is okay and Cromitty undoes the hypnosis and all is well. (See some of the plot of part 1) Also poems and clips. All is better but Bettina admits to Tappie that she can’t remember their first date. Paul sends her a file. Cromitty is very upset about what he called. Paul gets a call saying that the aliens want Paul as a witness at Zap’s murder trial!!

SHY YETI GIVES EVIDENCE!

Paul speaks to Martin and Freakquincy about this case. Martin admits that the Police aren’t that interested. Paul says he won’t go to the trial but then has no choice and it beamed to the court. He soon realises that he is a suspect. Ikk is called and is asked if he saw Paul there. Ikk says no, he was down on the floor. One of the waiters. Ikk was an evil man. Dameus appears and says it was him! Everyone claims they did it to take the attention away from Dameus. The aliens get cross and leave. Death by Misadventure. Dameus and Paul talk; he admits that he feared trouble but never intended to attack Zap. Paul points out that Zap was trying to kill them and shot himself.

THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE!!

There is bad feeling in Shy Life Podcast-land when a light-hearted popularity contest to celebrate 3 years of the show goes badly wrong and the results are declared as "the will of the people"! Is this true or have the results been rigged!?! Combined with Number 1 fan episode as flashback... Ikk and the regulars really want to be the Number 1 Fan for the BFO! But this may mean altering time... which is cheating!! Would they really go THAT far!?!

Ikk and Yeti Uncle decide to try and change the result of Big Fatty's Number 1 Fan Contest by going back in time... THAT IS IF THEY DON'T ACTUALLY WIN! They didn't...

ETHEL THE LANDLADY

Paul gets a call from a lady who he rung randomly during his search for University lodgings back in September 1992 - who never got back to him at the time... She thinks it is still 1992. Paul tries to explain but in the end gives up and discusses the situation with Cromitty and Yeti Uncle John. Ikk says that he can send Yeti Uncle John down a time corridor if Cuthbert agrees to help. Yeti Uncle John is interested in the free food. Cromitty interested from a scientific point of view. The first two Ethel messages appear at the end of episodes just before this one.

THE FIRST EPISODE IS RECORDED - BUT THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL...

### Charlie Grrr and The Pie With The Pastry Plumage!

A different episode will be created using this title as what I did record is not actually a giallo.

Paul and Toby go to Venice in Mid-March with Yeti Uncle John as they have been invited  by Charlie to attend a special Pie Exhibition; although a number of pies begin to go missing... Paul doesn't immediately realise that John also has an invite! It is all done in a slightly giallo style! Cromitty has built a surveillance device to watch Paul and Toby whilst they are in Venice - so they can all see Charlie's exhibition and also interact with Dameus and Bettina - but Tappie and Toppie also get involved as she is keen to spy on D & B in case Bettina is over-spending or Dameus is doing anything suspicious. Cromitty gets photos of a leather-gloved villain - but in the end it is Charlie and Yeti Uncle John both eating the pies; they bump into one another.

Record as much as can in Venice and then record...

Extra conversation between:

Paul and Yeti Uncle John

Paul and Charlie

Bettina and Paul and Dameus meeting up...

Cromitty and Toppie and Tappie about surveillance

Cromitty and Paul about the photos

Charlie upset with Paul

Cromitty and Paul learning the truth - plus the incriminating material!

Dameus talking in his sleep

Bettina heading for the casino!

Also record a normal diary episode whilst in Venice.

Albert The Dragon And The Home For Homeless/Wayward/Deprived/Under-privileged Phoenixes

COMING SOON!!

We follow Albert’s Progress as he opens a home for deprived phoenixes…

THE DAY HALLOWEEN CAME EARLY!!!

This is an episode where Cromitty tells Paul about something dreadful that happened when he and Yeti Uncle John were in Venice... Cromitty didn't come this time (??) as he has bad memories of when he was there back in 2016 (when he was still evil). Cromitty tells a tale of how he was working on some old computers and has found a box in Paul's loft that may date back to the Sutton Park era - including an old computer that he wrote his dissertation on... When he gets it working it starts chattering about Sutton Park and it gave him a shock - knocking him unconscious... It controls Martin who turned Cuthbert on... It begins to infect him - spreading a virus but Cromitty regained consciousness and was able to cut off the power. Is Cuthbert okay now? Cromitty thinks so... Only... Cuthbert appears to have amnesia! He cannot remember who Paul is... Paul is distraught!

Record some of it in the podcasting studios during Jan/Feb and the rest in Salisbury in late Feb (with Cuthbert!)

HALLOWEEN 2019!!

ANOTHER PLOT: We do a story about a ghost tour - which is a tour where ghosts take the public around - Yeti Uncle John gets involved due to his tour guide training. This might be the Halloween episode for 2019

WRITE SOMETHING FOR BIG FATTY IN THE NEW YEAR...

### I Want To Be The Number 1 Fan!

Ikk and the regulars really want to be the Number 1 Fan for the BFO! But this may mean altering time... which is cheating!! Would they really go THAT far!?!

### The Day Shy Yeti Lost His Voice

Paul has been asked to sing his friend Harry's song as a big concert - it's scary enough that it's going to be live, but now he's lost his voice! Can Ikk and the gang help him get through it and will anyone notice if they pull a few lip-syncing tricks!?

### The New Caretaker / "Where's Me Booook!?"

What with Yeti Uncle John often being up in space - Bettina gives Paul the details of a caretaker who used to work on her Estate... It seems like a good idea until it becomes evident that this gentleman swings from being extremely lazy to shovelling every last thing into a bin bag... What ever will happen when he reaches the basement and finds all the tat in Cromitty's laboratory; what will happen to all those priceless Sutton Park tapes? For that matter will Cuthbert make it through the night!?!

### The Return Of Dameus The Interviewer

Dameus interviews all manner of podcasting celebrities as part of his return to the chat-show circuit.

### Re-connecting With The Past

Paul catches up with Cromitty and Martin and is excited to learn that Cuthbert has a few added advances that makes it possible to re-connect with the past via old episodes of SUTTON PARK... Ikk is slightly doubtful about it all - but he and Paul soon get to experience the process first-hand.

### Whatever Happened To Dusty The Scone-Eating Dandelion!?

Paul and the team receive a tip-off about an elusive acquaintance of theirs - Dusty The Scone-Eating Dandelion who went missing under mysterious circumstances some time ago... Will they be able to find him with the help of Martin and his detective pals!?

### Bettina and the robot butler

This episode sees Paul visiting Bettina only to find out that the house has recently become robotically automated; also Wifey Jo play a card game with Cuthbert.

### The Great Bingo Scam

Someone is rigging the bingo so that they win - is it one of the regulars or someone more sinister?

### The Continuing Mystery Of Long Lost Cousin Algernon

A number of episodes that involve Martin's investigation into Long Lost Cousin Algernon. What will he find?

### Tales Of Deadiegrams

The regulars share their memories of times when they have encountered Deadiegrams in odd situations.

### Brocante Saves The Day?

Bettina needs to sell some of her treasures and Brocante The Antique Dealer is called in - but can he save the day?

### Gordon The Crypt-keeper In Need!

Gordon is back - but he has recently lost his job! Mr Yeti does his best to try and help him out...

### More About The Alien Book

We learn a little more about The Alien Book which made Ikk so unwell at the start of the year - but, of course - things are never simple.

### Caveman Logic and The Shy Life - 10th Anniversary shows

The second and third of three 10 year poetry anniversaries for Mr Yeti during 2019.

### Bits And Bobs and Bobs And Bits - Mk 2

More clips from the archives and recent conversations that don't have a home!!

NOTES FOR MY BIRTHDAY - NOVEMBER 2018

BIRTHDAY PLANS - 10.11.2018...

Hi Toppie,

Here are some ideas for what we can record for my birthday episode on my birthday - Saturday 10th November 2018.

I hope you like the ideas.

Paul

The Two Part Birthday Special - November 2018

Pt1. Toppie and John try to arrange a birthday party for Paul, but everyone is going to be away. Let’s arrange a party, but we need to surprise Paul on the day. But Paul is on birthday holiday retreat. He speaks to Toppie and John via Skype and pretends he’s in Barcelona but he’s not. John and Toppie have all the party food with them, but Paul just has crackers. He reads a poem maybe and there are Sutton Park clips. He decides to cook, but sets the fire alarm off. Let’s hope the party goes well.

Pt2. Toppie and John throw a belated birthday party for Paul back in London. All is well, only one of the guests is not what he/she appears. The podcasting world is shocked when Paul is turned to stone by one of his guests. Only to find that she is a gorgon. Martin and Ikk are on hand to solve the crime and to try and reverse the effects. Toppie is there at the party, but maybe also plays the gorgon. Harry will also be at the party. To be recorded in Canterbury.

May also record another episode or two whilst in Kent. One might be about going to Canterbury with Harry on my actual birthday.

Harry

Under-rated or Favourite things

Sketch

Sutton Park

With Toppie too?

DRAFT SKETCHES FOR MM - THELMA AND LOUISE

PLANS FOR THE MM CROSSOVER…

3 SKETCHES AND A GOODBYE

BETTINA AND AUNT TAPPIE – 1

Bettina:

Darling! What are we talking about today?

Aunt Tappie:

Oh… Silly… We’ve already discussed this…

Bettina:

Somebody ought to announce us dear… Don’t say another word until somebody announces us…

Aunt Tappie:

Well, shouldn’t people already know that… No… No… Very well…

Toppie’s voice:

Our very special guests this time are my own Aunt Tappie – often heard on the little Smellcast show and also Bettina Du Pres – actress, socialite and star of The Shy Life Podcast!

Aunt Tappie:

Well, that was absolutely lovely…

Bettina:

Toppie! She’s not just your Auntie – she is also an actress, socialite and podcaster… Really… Where he’s gone?

Aunt Tappie:

Never mind, dear – my entrance has been trumpeted and I am happy… Now… Come along… It’s not our show… We need to get a move on… Let’s talk film!

Bettina:

Oh yes, very well… Some of our favourites!

Aunt Tappie:

Thelma & Louise!

Bettina:

Oh… What a wonderful film – we both like that one, don’t we, darling!?

Aunt Tappie:

Yes dear… They’re just like us, aren’t they dear?

Bettina:

Well… They’re friends; although I don’t think we were ever quite as naughty as they were…

Aunt Tappie:

We were PRETTY naughty, darling – don’t make us out to be angels…

Bettina:

Ah no… We were never angels – but sometimes we’d pretend we were…

Aunt Tappie:

To get our own way…

Bettina:

Yes, dear! (they both laugh)

Aunt Tappie:

Do you remember when we tried to trick Mr Warhol into buying us dinner?

Bettina:

Of course, darling! We managed it too!

Aunt Tappie:

We did… You told him that your goldfish had died…

Bettina:

Yes, I did… And I smudged my mascara…

Aunt Tappie:

Yes… And I smudged my mascara too and it messed up my dress…

Bettina:

Which made you genuinely cry…

Aunt Tappie:

Yes! Yes… I did cry… Still… It got us a free dinner… (they both laugh again)

Bettina:

Anyway… Thelma and Louise…

Aunt Tappie:

WHERE dear? I don’t see them…

Bettina:

No! The FILM, darling… It’s one of our favourites…

Aunt Tappie:

Oh yes, dear – one of the very best… It’s a shame how it all ends though…

Bettina:

Oh! Spoilers, darling!

Aunt Tappie:

REALLY!? (tuts) Well, at least they go out in a blaze of glory…

Bettina:

I’d rather go out with a hunky lumberjack, myself…

Aunt Tappie:

Ha! You and me both, darling… (distracted) What? What! Oh… Apparently we’ve run out of time, Bettina, darling…

Bettina:

What!? Already!?

Aunt Tappie:

We can come back in a bit, dear – Toppie and DJ have more to be saying… We need to think of another favourite film…

Bettina:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre, darling!

Aunt Tappie:

No, Bettina! Something nice! Something for the ladies…

Bettina:

Oooh! Alright, then! More later, listeners!

Aunt Tappie:

Toodles, peeps!

BETTINA AND AUNT TAPPIE – 2

Bettina:

So – did you want me to suggest another female buddy movie, dear?

Aunt Tappie:

I’m not sure, dear – I think they want us to say some more about Thelma and Louise – it’s the movie that they’re discussing this week, remember…

Bettina:

Oh! Is it, Tappie, dear? Well, it is a very good movie… I approve!

Aunt Tappie:

What other film were you going to suggest, dear?

Bettina:

Well, my darling - I was actually thinking that Psycho might be a good one…

Aunt Tappie:

Psycho, dear!? As an example of a female buddy movie!?

Bettina:

Well, there ARE ladies in it, dear heart…

Aunt Tappie:

Yes, Betsy – I guess there is… But not in the same scene…

Bettina:

I'm sorry... Now you're confusing me... What do you mean, dear?

Aunt Tappie:

Well, lovely - if you recall the first lady gets murdered…

Bettina:

Spoilers, dear!

Aunt Tappie:

Oh, stop it, Betsy… Psycho was made 60 years ago… AND I don’t see how it counts as a female buddy movie…

Bettina:

Well dear - when the first lady dies…

Aunt Tappie:

Marion… Her name’s Marion, dear – and her sister is Lila.

Bettina:

Oh golly, dear – you do know a lot… So when Marion gets… *whispers* murdered… Her sister comes to the rescue to find out what’s going on…

Aunt Tappie:

Although she doesn’t rescue Marion, does she, dear - it's a bit late by then...

Bettina:

Well, I guess so…

Aunt Tappie:

Well then… Listen Betsy – we’re not even discussing Psycho - AND it’s not a female buddy movie…

Bettina:

Alright then, darling… So what are we discussing?

Aunt Tappie:

THELMA AND LOUISE, DEAR!?

Bettina:

AGAIN!?

Aunt Tappie:

Yes! YES!! RIGHT NOW THIS MINUTE!!

Toppie:

Sorry ladies… You’ve run out of time… You’ll have to talk about Thelma and Louise again in the last segment…

Aunt Tappie:

WHAT!? REALLY!? Well, now look what you did Bettina – with all your irrelevant wittering…

Bettina:

Well, I’m SORRRREEEE, dear…

Aunt Tappie:

I'm sure you are... Oh! Oh! This will get you excited, dear - Brad Pitt is in it…

Bettina:

He is, dear? In Psycho!?

Aunt Tappie:

NO! IN THELMA AND LOUISE…

Toppie:

Sorry, ladies… Out of time…

Aunt Tappie:

Well, REALLY!!

Bettina:

How unreasonable, dear…

BETTINA AND AUNT TAPPIE – 3

Aunt Tappie:

Darling! We're back on...

Bettina:

On where, dear!? Oh, recording... Marvellous... Do you want some gin, dear?

Aunt Tappie:

In a minute I'd love some - but first we need to trade some facts about the film, dear - about Thelma and Louise!

Bettina:

Oooh! Well - the first thing I want to say is that I can't believe this film is almost 30 years old; well, getting there, at least!

Aunt Tappie:

Oh, darling! I know... It seems only five minutes ago... I do actually remember seeing it at the cinema; I may even have gone to the premier - I forget now. Brad Pitt was simply OBSESSED with me around this time...

Bettina:

Really, darling... How marvellous for you... Had to fight him off, did you?

Aunt Tappie:

Something like that... I didn't fight him off too hard, mind...

Bettina:

Oh, Tappie dear! You can be such a hussy sometimes...

Aunt Tappie:

Ha! You're right... Still...

Bettina:

I've never heard him mention you in interviews...

Aunt Tappie:

No, darling... I swore him to secrecy... This was before the days of Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston, of course and years before Angelina Jolie came on the picture...

Bettina:

Sure... Sure... Anyway! Enough of that fiction; we should talk more about the film - I have facts here...

Aunt Tappie:

But the boys might already have discussed them...

Bettina:

You can't presume that, dear - directed by Ridley Scott... Geena Davis, Susan Sarandon... Harvey Keitel, Michael Madsen...

Aunt Tappie:

Brad Pitt...

Bettina:

Yes, thank you, dear - we've said QUITE enough about him, I think...

Aunt Tappie:

Six Academy Award nominations - won for Best Original Screenplay...

Bettina:

Did you know that it was very nearly Meryl Streep and Cher in the lead roles?

Aunt Tappie:

How fascinating! They could have turned it into a movie - like Mamma Mia - only... grittier... and with more scenes involving Brad Pitt...

Bettina:

Yeeeesssss... I sense a common theme here... Anyway - the story is meant to be set on a fictional route between Arkansas and the Grand Canyon, but it was actually filmed almost entirely in California and Utah. Oh golly... Do you remember that weekend we had in Utah back in '71, darling...

Aunt Tappie:

Remember it, darling? Why, of course not - but then again 1971 is a complete blur...

Bettina:

I spent most of it doing bit parts in Italian crime thrillers - the amount of Jack Daniels I drunk then was criminal...

Aunt Tappie:

I used to share a flat with a couple of hotties called Jack and Danny... The things they got up to... well... I really must write my autobiography one day!

Bettina:

Of course you'll have to make it all up if you're forgotten most of it...

Aunt Tappie:

Good point, darling! Ha!

Toppie:

Ladies! We're out of time... Let's call it a day - say goodbye to the listeners, why don't you?!

Aunt Tappie:

So soon! What a pity... Well, goodbye lovely listeners - goodbye from me - your friend Aunt Tappie!

Bettina:

...And goodbye from me too - Bettina Du Pres! It's been an absolute pleasure - one million kisses - one million and one kisses... (she does her usual chuckle)

Toppie:

Okay, ladies! Thank you! That's a wrap!

Aunt Tappie:

Wow! It's hot here, Betsy darling! Is it just me?

Bettina:

No! I'm burning up... Hey! Toppie! How's about a couple of gin and tonics for a pair of old broads...

Aunt Tappie:

Doubles! In a long glass with some extra ice!

Bettina:

Oh yes! And a cherry!

Toppie:

Your wish is my command...

Bettina and Aunt Tappie laugh and the sketch ends...

HE'S NOT ANTIQUE... HE'S BROCANTE!!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 
BROCANTE THE THIRD - HE'S BACK!!!

Hi Peter!

Sorry this has taken me an absolute age to write - I spend so much time recording and editing new shows that I only really get to write the scripts in "quiet moments" at work; so it can take a while... All the same - I hope you like this one; it's a little different from the first two.

Thanks again!

Paul :0)

PS Hi Jay - thank you for agreeing to play Igor! I think it was the part that you were born to play! hehe Don't slap me! :0) #shady

MR. BROCANTE AND BETTINA'S VALUABLE ASSETS!

MAIN SCENE

CAST:

Paul The Shy Yeti Yeti... lines from Paul - in black

Brocante The Antique Dealer... lines for ThatPeter G - in blue

Bettina Du Pres... lines also for Paul - in red

Igor... lines for Jay The Hauntcub - in pink

Martin... lines for Paul (what, again!?) - in peach

Setting: Bettina's house. This conversation happens face-to-face.

Paul: (explaining what is happening)

Hi listeners. I'm somewhere else today. When I say that you understand that I mean that this time I'm not down in the Library Podcasting Studios. I'm actually at Bettina's Estate today - Bettina's not around although we will be talking to her a number of times during this episode. Anyway - she and Dameus are overseas again - still doing their little tour group and travelling from town to town as they were when we met up with them in Marseille last year. 

Recap to the Marseille episode (#193) where Bettina says she will have to sell the house... Maybe also a clip from the "WHERE ARE THEY" episode from early 2019 where more info comes out...

As you'll recall Bettina is in the position where she is most probably going to have to completely sell the house - splitting any profit with the few remaining members of her family - but at first she needs to get a number of items in the house valued for auction. It just so happens that friend of the show Brocante The Art Dealer was over in the UK on business and I was able to get an appointment with him to come over to Bettina's house to take a look around for any potentially valuable items that she might like to sell off; just to help her a bit with her money troubles... Anyway, it was the first time that I've actually met Mr Brocante - he's quite a charming fellow... (lowers his tone) Of course he's slightly eccentric, but that's to be expected - I think we probably ALL are on this show...

We now join Paul and Brocante in mid-conversation...

Paul: (enthusiastically)

Well - I must say, it's really lovely to finally meet you...

Brocante: (as polite as ever)

Yes sir... Always pleased to help if I can, sir... I must say, though - you're not how I imagined you would be...

Paul: (surprised/curious)

Oh? Really? How exactly did you imagine me?

Brocante: (thoughtful)

More... Woolly, sir... However now I think I may have been confusing a yeti with a mammoth...

Paul: (delicately)

Oh! Yes... Quite different fellows altogether...

Brocante: (apologetically)

Indeed, sir... No offence intended...

Paul: (taking charge, like he know what he's actually doing!)

None taken... Anyway... Good... Right... Let's get to business, shall we?

Brocante: (mutters)

Oh my! This one's a quick worker... Yes sir! Of course, sir. Brocante's Antiques are overjoyed to be able to help you with this matter! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

Paul: (enthusiastically)

Well, as I've already said - it's a pleasure to do business with you again...

Brocante: (trying not to sound too depressed about it)

It's nice to finally put a face to a name - your associate Miss Bettina is one of my best customers... actually she's one of my only customers - but really I mustn't grumble...

Paul: (trying to sound organised)

Ha! Yes... So Mister Brocante - Bettina gave me a detailed list of everything that she wanted you to look over; I think I've been able to get everything together for you to study in one place...

Brocante: (politely again)

Very good, sir... 

Paul: (struggling for words)

Have you had the chance to start looking through the... err... artefacts?

Brocante:

Indeed, I have, sir...

Paul: (curious)

May I ask what you think?

Brocante: (cagily)

Well... Would you like the good news or the bad news?

Paul: (nervously)

Oh, goodness. The bad news, I guess...

Brocante: (milking it, rather...)

Well... Okay... So, the bad news is there is no good news...

Paul: (alarmed)

Oh, blimey! Are you kidding?

Brocante: (apologetically)

I'm afraid not... It's all bad news - at least about what you have here on this table...

Paul: (surprised)

But how? Why? What's wrong with them?

Brocante: (bluntly)

They're fakes - that's what - plain and simple...

Paul: (shocked)

What? All of them?

Brocante:

Yes! Every last one...

Paul: (confused)

But why on earth would Bettina ask you to value them if she knew they were fakes... She's not like that; she wouldn't try and pull the wool over your eyes - she'd know you'd spot a fake at first glance!

Brocante: (sounding slightly disillusioned)

Actually I probably wouldn't... Fakes are much harder to spot these days - there's so much more technology involved; last week I nearly bought a set of Queen Anne side-tables only to discover at the last minute that they were all just an elaborate form of C.G.I.!

Paul: (shocked)

Good grief! Incredible!? So how do you know these are fakes then?

Brocante: (matter-of-factly)

It's written on them in bright felt tip pen, sir... Look... Here... F-A-K-E... I had to get the dictionary out to work out what that spelt but now I know - FAKE... FAKES! The lot of them...

Paul: (confused)

I had no idea; does this happen a lot; this really doesn't make ANY sense at all, Brocante...

Brocante: (with authority)

Well... One thing I will say is that I don't think your friend Bettina would have known that these items weren't genuine... They're good fakes - but they don't exactly look very advanced examples...

Paul: (taken aback)

Really? So do you think that this might mean that somebody sold the family fortune years ago?

Brocante: (with growing interest in the subject)

I'm afraid it's possible, sir... That's if there ever was a true fortune - they might have owned the house and that was pretty much it... Still, presuming that there were valuable trinkets at some stage then they could have been sold off by pretty much anyone - not necessarily by a member of the family - it could even have been one of the staff or a passing house-guest; practically anyone!

Paul: (trying not to panic)

Oh dear! I'm going to have to break it to Bettina - but what IS she going to say about it all? She was holding out hope that she could raise enough to alleviate some of her current financial trouble; I reckon she's trying to clear her debts before she and her fiance, Dameus tie the knot later in the year!

Brocante: (trying to sound more hopeful)

Ah well... This may be true - although looking around this room I do think that maybe I might have some good news for you after all - just not news about the things that are set out here on the table...

Paul: (surprised)

I'm sorry - what do you mean, exactly?

Brocante:

Well... I think perhaps some of the other items in this room and around the house might be of value; does everything on display belong to Miss Bettina or is it the property of the company running the guided tours?

Paul: (still slightly confused)

It's all hers - or her families - from what I know... But the items that you've looked at were the only things that she thought were of actual value...

Brocante: (brightening)

Well - I am very happy to tell you that she was wrong... There are many valuable artefacts in this house - it's just that they're not obviously of any value... Let me show you...

Paul: (impressed/pleased)

Alright! This is marvellous news - I'm fascinated...

Brocante: (helpfully)

If I may, sir - allow me to show you some of the items in this house that I do believe to be of some value!

Paul: (in agreement)

Absolutely, yes...

MUSIC PLAYS - ONCE WE RETURN TO OUR "HEROES" WE FIND THEM IN ANOTHER ROOM AND BROCANTE IS SHOWING PAUL SOME VALUABLE ITEMS...

Brocante: (enthusiastically)

Now THIS is an absolute gem, sir...

Paul: (baffled/trying not to sound rude)

It's a what? I'm sorry... What are you referring to? You're pointing at a blank wall and an old cardboard box awaiting recycling - is this some kind of invisible trinket that I'm not aware of?

Brocante: (encouragingly/suddenly becoming less professional with his final comment)

Look closer, sir... No... Closer... Closer still... Go on - get that great big hooter right in there and have a sniff about...

Paul: (trying to remain composed, but clearly miffed)

Alright! Alright... My nose is now currently pressed up against the plaster, thank you...

Brocante: (clearly enjoying himself)

Sorry, sir... I got a bit carried away there; so now that you're close up what do you see NOW!?

Paul: (confused)

Well, I must admit I'm kind of seeing stars - but... erm... I really don't see much other than an empty cardboard box, a spot of dust and some spider-webs...

Brocante: (trying to sound wise)

Spider-webs, yes - but not just ANY spider-webs...

Paul: (surprised)

REALLY? They're valuable...

Brocante: (enthusiastic)

ABSOLUTELY they are, sir...

Paul:

Well, I never... Would you care to explain why, maybe?

Brocante: (quickly)

I will - but do be careful, sir... You're about to step on the spider who makes the webs - I wouldn't advise it...

Paul: (apologetically)

Sorry! Sorry... I'll just stand still...

Brocante: (verging on sounding patronising)

Or you could follow me... There are more valuable things that you need to see, sir...

Paul: (slightly uncertain)

Oh... Right! I can't wait to tell Bettina about all this!

CHANGE OF LOCATION - TIME HAS PASSED AND PAUL IS NOW SPEAKING TO BETTINA ON THE PHONE - BROCANTE IS STILL THERE WITH PAUL...

Bettina: (ever-so polite)

Mister Brocante... I'm ever so grateful for all your help - who would have guessed that my dusty old box would have been so valuable! I had no idea that cobwebs would sell at such a high price!

Brocante: (showing off more than usual)

Well, dear lady - how WOULD you have known; this is why calling in a expert for these sorts of things is invaluable...

Bettina: (hopeful)

...And so you'll give me a quote?

Brocante: (politely)

I will, indeed...

Paul: (trying to make sense of all this)

...And is it ANY cobweb - like new ones as well?

Brocante: (distracted)

Mainly just the old ones - but if you store them carefully enough then they'll become old and then will eventually become collectable and of some value...

Bettina: (enthused)

Marvellous, darling! Paul, dear - why don't you show Mr Brocante down to the cellar - there must be plenty of cobwebs down there...

Paul: (less than keen)

There certainly were when Dameus locked me down there the other year...

Bettina: (apologetically)

Oh yes, dear... Well, you don't actually have to go back down there - just show him where it is...

Brocante: (sounding ultra-efficient)

Don't worry, dear lady - my assistant, Igor, is already investigating...

Bettina: (pleased)

Splendid! Splendid! I'm awfully grateful to you! Terribly so!

Brocante: (continuing, with rather too much charm)

If I may I'd like to ask you you're opinion on exactly how you'd like me to proceed... There are a number of possibilities and I'd be happy to quote you a number of different scenarios... (his voice fades away for Mr Yeti is moving away from them)

Paul: (speaking directly, cheerful)

Hello, listeners... Well now... Things seem to be going very nicely... I'm so glad I was able to help... Anything that helps Bettina with her finances; especially since she and Dameus are now engaged, of course! How fortunate that Mr Brocante was over here from the United States and was able to assist - he really is the best in the business... Well... He really is the only antique dealer that is associated with the show and was also willing to be recorded for just the price of a sandwich and a very large bottle of bubbly... Hey, look - I know it's not quite the same thing, but it's as good as we'll get...

PAUL PAUSES - HE HEARS A SOUND AND WHEN HE SPEAKS HE SOUNDS UNNERVED...

Oh!What was that? Not another skeleton in Bettina's cupboard coming to join the party; I do hope not! Where did that noise come from anyway - it sounds suspiciously like the cellar? THE CELLAR!! Hmm... Well, I'm not going down there! I wonder if it's Yeti Uncle John playing a prank!

(raising his voice) JOHN! IS THAT YOU!?! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!

THE CELLAR DOOR CREAKS OPEN...

(nervously) Oh, blimey... Whatever... WHOever it is - they're emerging now - right in front of me...

A SHAMBLING FIGURE EMERGES - IT IS IGOR, BROCANTE'S ASSISTANT...

Paul: (alarmed)

ARGH!

Igor: (grumpy)

Please do not ARGH at me! I have very sensitive lug-holes...

Brocante: (apologetically)

Please don't be alarmed, sir - this is Igor, my assistant; he is helping me with my work...

Paul: (over-dramatically)

Blimey... Sorry... I wondered who he was for the moment; especially emerging from that dreaded cellar like that - you may not know this, but I was locked down there once - held against my will...

Brocante:

Apologies, sir... It's never good to have one's will held... Well... Except in romantic moments... At any rate; you and Igor might have quite a bit in common now I think about it - I'm pretty sure he's half-yeti...

Paul: (uncertain)

I guess it's possible...

Igor: (cave-man-like / thinking things over)

She looks familiar...

Paul: (bemused)

Who does? I'm sorry... I'm confused now...

Brocante: (taking control)

Igor! I need you to focus... Did you find anything on that list I gave you; anything down in the cellar?

Igor: (unsure)

I may have found a fossil...

Paul: (excited)

Oooh! That could be valuable...

Brocante: (impatiently)

I guess so - although it wasn't on my list... What else did you see?

Igor: (spoken like a cave-man - slowly as he thinks each word)

I found more spiders... Do you think they might be the ones who make the valuable web...

Paul: (enthusiastically)

If you want a real spider expert then I can give you the number of a friend of mine, Jay the Hauntcub - what he doesn't know about our spidery friends isn't worth knowing...

Brocante: (mulling it over)

I may well take you up on that one...

Igor: (loudly and also with enthusiasm)

DEBBI! DEBBBBBBBIIIIII!

Paul: (trying not to show how alarmed he is)

I'm sorry - what is he saying?

Brocante: (part embarrassed / part thrilled)

Ah... I believe that Igor has mistaken you for one of his former girl friends.

Igor:

DEBBI! DEBBBBBIIIIIIII! MY BELOVED!!!!

Brocante: (attempting to calm Igor)

No Igor... It's not Debbi... I know you miss her... You know who this is - I'm pretty sure I showed you his photo - this is Shy Yeti...

Igor: (attempting to be seductive)

Debbi. Kissy. Kissy.

Paul: (mortified)

Oh! Errr... I'm really not who you think I am. Honestly I'm not!

Igor: (Over the top)

DEBBBBBBBIIIIIIII....

Paul: (bemused)

Do I even look anything like this Debbi? No... Don't even answer that one...

Brocante: (sounding uneasy)

Well, I hate to say it - but your back hair is pretty similar...

Igor: (eagerly)

DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!!

Brocante: (apologetic but on the verge of not caring)

Leave him alone, Igor... I'm terribly sorry... Just back away slowly, sir... No sudden movements - I'll just go fetch his lead...

Paul: (growing afraid)

Oh! Cripes!

Igor: (plaintively)

DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!!

Paul:

Oh no... (panics)

Brocante: (still slightly blah)

Sir! Sir! Didn't you hear me! No sudden moves! Sir! Sir! No!!! Igor!! No! That's not a wig - please don't tug at it... Stop it now! This is most unprofessional! I'm awfully sorry, sir...

THERE IS A LOT OF COMMOTION AND THE SCENE FADES DOWN TO AN END...

BRIEF END OF EPISODE SCENE

Setting: Paul is back home. This conversation happens via phone.

Paul: (enthusiastic/relaxed)

Hello listeners! I'm back home now... Goodness me! That Igor... He's quite a handful when you get him going! I wasn't sure if I was going to get away without being made his blushing bride. I mean, I'm not against hanging out with alpha males from time-to-time, but that's going a bit too far. (the phone begins to ring) Sorry... (answers phone) Hello... Paul The Shy Yeti speaking...

Brocante: (somewhat apologetically)

Hello, Mr Yeti, sir... I'm ever-so sorry about what happened when we met; I do hope that you're on the mend...

Paul: (not sounding completely sure in his answer)

Well, yes... I guess so... How is the... err... dear boy?

Brocante:

We've sent him to finishing school; so hopefully his behaviour will improve - eventually...

Paul: (unnerved on reflection)

Ah well, good... He was just being playful, I suppose - but there was a moment when I thought that I'd never manage a take part in a decent Fox-trot ever again...

Brocante: (unused to making small-talk)

Ah yes... I'm the same... I used to be a ballerina back in my youth, but I tripped on my tutu and I've never been QUITE the same since...

Paul: (slightly confused)

Oh... How... How very tragic... I thought tutu's were short...

Brocante: (sadly)

Alas not mine... They were home-made - my mother made them from some old curtains and she couldn't be bothered to cut them to an appropriate length...

Paul: (with understanding)

Parents, hey... You can't trust them! Anyway, I do hope everything is going well with selling those cobwebs...

Brocante: (sounding suddenly more positive)

Yes! Yes! All good, sir! Actually - Igor's visit to Madame Bettina's house wasn't all bad - as well as the cobwebs - he found a fossil down in the cellar; there's talk of getting some archaeologists in...

Paul: (awkwardly)

Fossils, you say? Down in the cellar!? I was locked down there for a day or two a year or so ago - are you sure it's not... well... I was down there for a few days and...

Brocante: (confidently confirming)

It's definitely a fossil...

Paul: (relieved)

Oh... Okay... Whatever you say! All very mysterious...

Brocante: (brightly)

By the way, sir... I believe I may have met a relative of yours back here in L.A.

Paul: (surprised)

A RELATIVE? OF MINE!? Whoever could THAT be?!

Brocante: (distractedly)

Um... Let me see, sir... I wrote his name down... (murmurs for a moment) ALGERNON!! His name was Algernon... Does that ring any bells?

Paul: (now shocked)

Goodness me, why yes - yes it does!! He's my long-lost cousin - although we've quite recently got back in touch... He lives in America, doesn't he - but how ever did you end up meeting him?

Brocante: (lowering voice, possibly delighted to be having this conversation)

You know, I don't like to speak out of turn or gossip, sir... Actually that's a lie - it's actually my very favourite thing to do

Paul: (encouraging)

Mine too... Do go on...

Brocante: (thinking it over)

Well, he's definitely one of my best customers...

Paul:

Really!? Buying or selling?

Brocante:

Mainly buying...

Paul: (confused)

Goodness! How strange... When I spoke to him he'd often say that he didn't have enough money for travel and yet...

Brocante: (trying to come up with a theory)

I guess he could have been buying for a client - like you were that first time we spoke, sir...

Paul: (hopeful)

Hmm... And do you think that might have been the case? Did he ever say that he was working for someone...

Brocante: (apologetically)

Well... No... Not really, sir...

Paul: (disappointed)

Golly... He's a bit of a mystery, I must say... I raised a whole bunch of money for him last year so that he could come visit because he claimed that he couldn't afford the tickets to fly over, but...

Brocante:

Oh my, sir... I don't wish to speak out of term, but he clearly does have money and possibly quite a lot of it...

Paul: (hopeful again)

Maybe he won the lottery...

Brocante:

Maybe, sir... Maybe...

Paul (voiceover);

It's all very curious... I'd like to simply dismiss this whole business as unfounded gossip - but I can't help but wonder about Cousin Algernon; I don't like to admit that Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right, but... but Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right... Something isn't definitely up with Cousin Algernon - but I'm not sure what... I do know somebody who might be able to help, though...

We hear a phone ringing - it is answered...

Martin: (slightly surprised)

Hello... Martin here... Is that you, yeti?

Paul: (delicately)

Yes... Yes... It's me... I'm sorry I'm calling so late... Just a quick question... You still have Police contacts, don't you?

Martin: (curious)

Yes... Yes! Of course... Why? Do you need some assistance?

Paul: (with concern)

I do... I really think I do... It's my Cousin Algernon... I want to find out more about him... I've had some slightly disturbing news and I don't quite know what to make of it...

Martin: (keen to help)

Oh... Really? Tell me more and I'll see what I can do to help you...

Paul: (grateful)

Thank you... Great... Well, you see... It's like this... (adlib-to-fade, banana water-melon etc.)

Paul begins to explain - but his voice fades away and the theme music drowns out his words...


MR. BROCANTE AND BETTINA'S VALUABLE ASSETS!

BRIEF PLAN FOR EPISODE...

Start title music

Introduction from home (ad-lib)

Main title music

Start of episode chat (ad-lib)

Brief chat with Bettina... (ad-lib)

Main sketch with Brocante

Poems

Bettina again (ad-lib)

Sutton Park (with Martin and Cromitty)

Chat with Yeti Uncle John, Cromitty? (end ad-lib)

First end title music

Brief sketch with Brocante

Main End title music

End scene (Paul calls Martin - see above?)


Idea: Summer 2018. This was written between: 18th September 2018 and 1st February 2019 - with further work carrying on until the 5th April 2019.