BROCANTE THE THIRD - HE'S BACK!!!
Hi Peter!
Sorry this has taken me an absolute age to write - I spend so much time recording and editing new shows that I only really get to write the scripts in "quiet moments" at work; so it can take a while... All the same - I hope you like this one; it's a little different from the first two.
Thanks again!
Paul :0)
PS Hi Jay - thank you for agreeing to play Igor! I think it was the part that you were born to play! hehe Don't slap me! :0) #shady
PS Hi Jay - thank you for agreeing to play Igor! I think it was the part that you were born to play! hehe Don't slap me! :0) #shady
MR. BROCANTE AND BETTINA'S VALUABLE ASSETS!
MAIN SCENE
CAST:
Paul The Shy Yeti Yeti... lines from Paul - in black
Brocante The Antique Dealer... lines for ThatPeter G - in blue
Bettina Du Pres... lines also for Paul - in red
Igor... lines for Jay The Hauntcub - in pink
Martin... lines for Paul (what, again!?) - in peach
CAST:
Paul The Shy Yeti Yeti... lines from Paul - in black
Brocante The Antique Dealer... lines for ThatPeter G - in blue
Bettina Du Pres... lines also for Paul - in red
Igor... lines for Jay The Hauntcub - in pink
Martin... lines for Paul (what, again!?) - in peach
Setting: Bettina's house. This conversation happens face-to-face.
Paul: (explaining what is happening)
Hi listeners. I'm somewhere else today. When I say that you understand that I mean that this time I'm not down in the Library Podcasting Studios. I'm actually at Bettina's Estate today - Bettina's not around although we will be talking to her a number of times during this episode. Anyway - she and Dameus are overseas again - still doing their little tour group and travelling from town to town as they were when we met up with them in Marseille last year.
Recap to the Marseille episode (#193) where Bettina says she will have to sell the house... Maybe also a clip from the "WHERE ARE THEY" episode from early 2019 where more info comes out...
As you'll recall Bettina is in the position where she is most probably going to have to completely sell the house - splitting any profit with the few remaining members of her family - but at first she needs to get a number of items in the house valued for auction. It just so happens that friend of the show Brocante The Art Dealer was over in the UK on business and I was able to get an appointment with him to come over to Bettina's house to take a look around for any potentially valuable items that she might like to sell off; just to help her a bit with her money troubles... Anyway, it was the first time that I've actually met Mr Brocante - he's quite a charming fellow... (lowers his tone) Of course he's slightly eccentric, but that's to be expected - I think we probably ALL are on this show...
Recap to the Marseille episode (#193) where Bettina says she will have to sell the house... Maybe also a clip from the "WHERE ARE THEY" episode from early 2019 where more info comes out...
As you'll recall Bettina is in the position where she is most probably going to have to completely sell the house - splitting any profit with the few remaining members of her family - but at first she needs to get a number of items in the house valued for auction. It just so happens that friend of the show Brocante The Art Dealer was over in the UK on business and I was able to get an appointment with him to come over to Bettina's house to take a look around for any potentially valuable items that she might like to sell off; just to help her a bit with her money troubles... Anyway, it was the first time that I've actually met Mr Brocante - he's quite a charming fellow... (lowers his tone) Of course he's slightly eccentric, but that's to be expected - I think we probably ALL are on this show...
We now join Paul and Brocante in mid-conversation...
Paul: (enthusiastically)
Well - I must say, it's really lovely to finally meet you...
Brocante: (as polite as ever)
Yes sir... Always pleased to help if I can, sir... I must say, though - you're not how I imagined you would be...
Paul: (surprised/curious)
Oh? Really? How exactly did you imagine me?
Brocante: (thoughtful)
More... Woolly, sir... However now I think I may have been confusing a yeti with a mammoth...
Paul: (delicately)
Oh! Yes... Quite different fellows altogether...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Indeed, sir... No offence intended...
Paul: (taking charge, like he know what he's actually doing!)
None taken... Anyway... Good... Right... Let's get to business, shall we?
Brocante: (mutters)
Oh my! This one's a quick worker... Yes sir! Of course, sir. Brocante's Antiques are overjoyed to be able to help you with this matter! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)
Paul: (enthusiastically)
Well - I must say, it's really lovely to finally meet you...
Brocante: (as polite as ever)
Yes sir... Always pleased to help if I can, sir... I must say, though - you're not how I imagined you would be...
Paul: (surprised/curious)
Oh? Really? How exactly did you imagine me?
Brocante: (thoughtful)
More... Woolly, sir... However now I think I may have been confusing a yeti with a mammoth...
Paul: (delicately)
Oh! Yes... Quite different fellows altogether...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Indeed, sir... No offence intended...
Paul: (taking charge, like he know what he's actually doing!)
None taken... Anyway... Good... Right... Let's get to business, shall we?
Brocante: (mutters)
Oh my! This one's a quick worker... Yes sir! Of course, sir. Brocante's Antiques are overjoyed to be able to help you with this matter! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)
Well, as I've already said - it's a pleasure to do business with you again...
Brocante: (trying not to sound too depressed about it)
It's nice to finally put a face to a name - your associate Miss Bettina is one of my best customers... actually she's one of my only customers - but really I mustn't grumble...
Paul: (trying to sound organised)
Ha! Yes... So Mister Brocante - Bettina gave me a detailed list of everything that she wanted you to look over; I think I've been able to get everything together for you to study in one place...
Brocante: (trying not to sound too depressed about it)
It's nice to finally put a face to a name - your associate Miss Bettina is one of my best customers... actually she's one of my only customers - but really I mustn't grumble...
Paul: (trying to sound organised)
Ha! Yes... So Mister Brocante - Bettina gave me a detailed list of everything that she wanted you to look over; I think I've been able to get everything together for you to study in one place...
Brocante: (politely again)
Very good, sir...
Paul: (struggling for words)
Have you had the chance to start looking through the... err... artefacts?
Brocante:
Indeed, I have, sir...
Paul: (curious)
May I ask what you think?
Brocante: (cagily)
Well... Would you like the good news or the bad news?
Paul: (nervously)
Oh, goodness. The bad news, I guess...
Brocante: (milking it, rather...)
Well... Okay... So, the bad news is there is no good news...
Paul: (alarmed)
Oh, blimey! Are you kidding?
Brocante: (apologetically)
I'm afraid not... It's all bad news - at least about what you have here on this table...
Paul: (surprised)
But how? Why? What's wrong with them?
Brocante: (bluntly)
They're fakes - that's what - plain and simple...
Paul: (shocked)
What? All of them?
Brocante:
Yes! Every last one...
Paul: (confused)
But why on earth would Bettina ask you to value them if she knew they were fakes... She's not like that; she wouldn't try and pull the wool over your eyes - she'd know you'd spot a fake at first glance!
Brocante: (sounding slightly disillusioned)
Actually I probably wouldn't... Fakes are much harder to spot these days - there's so much more technology involved; last week I nearly bought a set of Queen Anne side-tables only to discover at the last minute that they were all just an elaborate form of C.G.I.!
Paul: (shocked)
Good grief! Incredible!? So how do you know these are fakes then?
Brocante: (matter-of-factly)
It's written on them in bright felt tip pen, sir... Look... Here... F-A-K-E... I had to get the dictionary out to work out what that spelt but now I know - FAKE... FAKES! The lot of them...
Paul: (confused)
I had no idea; does this happen a lot; this really doesn't make ANY sense at all, Brocante...
Brocante: (with authority)
Well... One thing I will say is that I don't think your friend Bettina would have known that these items weren't genuine... They're good fakes - but they don't exactly look very advanced examples...
Paul: (taken aback)
Really? So do you think that this might mean that somebody sold the family fortune years ago?
Brocante: (with growing interest in the subject)
I'm afraid it's possible, sir... That's if there ever was a true fortune - they might have owned the house and that was pretty much it... Still, presuming that there were valuable trinkets at some stage then they could have been sold off by pretty much anyone - not necessarily by a member of the family - it could even have been one of the staff or a passing house-guest; practically anyone!
Paul: (trying not to panic)
Oh dear! I'm going to have to break it to Bettina - but what IS she going to say about it all? She was holding out hope that she could raise enough to alleviate some of her current financial trouble; I reckon she's trying to clear her debts before she and her fiance, Dameus tie the knot later in the year!
Brocante: (trying to sound more hopeful)
Ah well... This may be true - although looking around this room I do think that maybe I might have some good news for you after all - just not news about the things that are set out here on the table...
Paul: (surprised)
I'm sorry - what do you mean, exactly?
Brocante:
Well... I think perhaps some of the other items in this room and around the house might be of value; does everything on display belong to Miss Bettina or is it the property of the company running the guided tours?
Paul: (still slightly confused)
It's all hers - or her families - from what I know... But the items that you've looked at were the only things that she thought were of actual value...
Brocante: (brightening)
Well - I am very happy to tell you that she was wrong... There are many valuable artefacts in this house - it's just that they're not obviously of any value... Let me show you...
Paul: (impressed/pleased)
Alright! This is marvellous news - I'm fascinated...
Brocante: (helpfully)
If I may, sir - allow me to show you some of the items in this house that I do believe to be of some value!
Paul: (in agreement)
Absolutely, yes...
MUSIC PLAYS - ONCE WE RETURN TO OUR "HEROES" WE FIND THEM IN ANOTHER ROOM AND BROCANTE IS SHOWING PAUL SOME VALUABLE ITEMS...
Brocante: (enthusiastically)
Now THIS is an absolute gem, sir...
Paul: (baffled/trying not to sound rude)
It's a what? I'm sorry... What are you referring to? You're pointing at a blank wall and an old cardboard box awaiting recycling - is this some kind of invisible trinket that I'm not aware of?
Brocante: (encouragingly/suddenly becoming less professional with his final comment)
Look closer, sir... No... Closer... Closer still... Go on - get that great big hooter right in there and have a sniff about...
Paul: (trying to remain composed, but clearly miffed)
Alright! Alright... My nose is now currently pressed up against the plaster, thank you...
Brocante: (clearly enjoying himself)
Sorry, sir... I got a bit carried away there; so now that you're close up what do you see NOW!?
Paul: (confused)
Well, I must admit I'm kind of seeing stars - but... erm... I really don't see much other than an empty cardboard box, a spot of dust and some spider-webs...
Brocante: (trying to sound wise)
Spider-webs, yes - but not just ANY spider-webs...
Paul: (surprised)
REALLY? They're valuable...
Brocante: (enthusiastic)
ABSOLUTELY they are, sir...
Paul:
Well, I never... Would you care to explain why, maybe?
Brocante: (quickly)
I will - but do be careful, sir... You're about to step on the spider who makes the webs - I wouldn't advise it...
Paul: (apologetically)
Sorry! Sorry... I'll just stand still...
Brocante: (verging on sounding patronising)
Or you could follow me... There are more valuable things that you need to see, sir...
Paul: (slightly uncertain)
Oh... Right! I can't wait to tell Bettina about all this!
CHANGE OF LOCATION - TIME HAS PASSED AND PAUL IS NOW SPEAKING TO BETTINA ON THE PHONE - BROCANTE IS STILL THERE WITH PAUL...
Bettina: (ever-so polite)
Mister Brocante... I'm ever so grateful for all your help - who would have guessed that my dusty old box would have been so valuable! I had no idea that cobwebs would sell at such a high price!
Brocante: (showing off more than usual)
Well, dear lady - how WOULD you have known; this is why calling in a expert for these sorts of things is invaluable...
Bettina: (hopeful)
...And so you'll give me a quote?
Brocante: (politely)
I will, indeed...
Paul: (trying to make sense of all this)
...And is it ANY cobweb - like new ones as well?
Brocante: (distracted)
Mainly just the old ones - but if you store them carefully enough then they'll become old and then will eventually become collectable and of some value...
Bettina: (enthused)
Marvellous, darling! Paul, dear - why don't you show Mr Brocante down to the cellar - there must be plenty of cobwebs down there...
Paul: (less than keen)
There certainly were when Dameus locked me down there the other year...
Bettina: (apologetically)
Oh yes, dear... Well, you don't actually have to go back down there - just show him where it is...
Brocante: (sounding ultra-efficient)
Don't worry, dear lady - my assistant, Igor, is already investigating...
Bettina: (pleased)
Splendid! Splendid! I'm awfully grateful to you! Terribly so!
Brocante: (continuing, with rather too much charm)
If I may I'd like to ask you you're opinion on exactly how you'd like me to proceed... There are a number of possibilities and I'd be happy to quote you a number of different scenarios... (his voice fades away for Mr Yeti is moving away from them)
Paul: (speaking directly, cheerful)
Hello, listeners... Well now... Things seem to be going very nicely... I'm so glad I was able to help... Anything that helps Bettina with her finances; especially since she and Dameus are now engaged, of course! How fortunate that Mr Brocante was over here from the United States and was able to assist - he really is the best in the business... Well... He really is the only antique dealer that is associated with the show and was also willing to be recorded for just the price of a sandwich and a very large bottle of bubbly... Hey, look - I know it's not quite the same thing, but it's as good as we'll get...
PAUL PAUSES - HE HEARS A SOUND AND WHEN HE SPEAKS HE SOUNDS UNNERVED...
Oh!What was that? Not another skeleton in Bettina's cupboard coming to join the party; I do hope not! Where did that noise come from anyway - it sounds suspiciously like the cellar? THE CELLAR!! Hmm... Well, I'm not going down there! I wonder if it's Yeti Uncle John playing a prank!
(raising his voice) JOHN! IS THAT YOU!?! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!
THE CELLAR DOOR CREAKS OPEN...
(nervously) Oh, blimey... Whatever... WHOever it is - they're emerging now - right in front of me...
A SHAMBLING FIGURE EMERGES - IT IS IGOR, BROCANTE'S ASSISTANT...
Paul: (alarmed)
ARGH!
Igor: (grumpy)
Please do not ARGH at me! I have very sensitive lug-holes...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Please don't be alarmed, sir - this is Igor, my assistant; he is helping me with my work...
Paul: (over-dramatically)
Blimey... Sorry... I wondered who he was for the moment; especially emerging from that dreaded cellar like that - you may not know this, but I was locked down there once - held against my will...
Brocante:
Apologies, sir... It's never good to have one's will held... Well... Except in romantic moments... At any rate; you and Igor might have quite a bit in common now I think about it - I'm pretty sure he's half-yeti...
Paul: (uncertain)
I guess it's possible...
Igor: (cave-man-like / thinking things over)
She looks familiar...
Paul: (bemused)
Who does? I'm sorry... I'm confused now...
Brocante: (taking control)
Igor! I need you to focus... Did you find anything on that list I gave you; anything down in the cellar?
Igor: (unsure)
I may have found a fossil...
Paul: (excited)
Oooh! That could be valuable...
Brocante: (impatiently)
I guess so - although it wasn't on my list... What else did you see?
Igor: (spoken like a cave-man - slowly as he thinks each word)
I found more spiders... Do you think they might be the ones who make the valuable web...
Paul: (enthusiastically)
If you want a real spider expert then I can give you the number of a friend of mine, Jay the Hauntcub - what he doesn't know about our spidery friends isn't worth knowing...
Brocante: (mulling it over)
I may well take you up on that one...
Igor: (loudly and also with enthusiasm)
DEBBI! DEBBBBBBBIIIIII!
Paul: (trying not to show how alarmed he is)
I'm sorry - what is he saying?
Brocante: (part embarrassed / part thrilled)
Ah... I believe that Igor has mistaken you for one of his former girl friends.
Igor:
DEBBI! DEBBBBBIIIIIIII! MY BELOVED!!!!
Brocante: (attempting to calm Igor)
No Igor... It's not Debbi... I know you miss her... You know who this is - I'm pretty sure I showed you his photo - this is Shy Yeti...
Igor: (attempting to be seductive)
Debbi. Kissy. Kissy.
Paul: (mortified)
Oh! Errr... I'm really not who you think I am. Honestly I'm not!
Igor: (Over the top)
DEBBBBBBBIIIIIIII....
Paul: (bemused)
Do I even look anything like this Debbi? No... Don't even answer that one...
Brocante: (sounding uneasy)
Well, I hate to say it - but your back hair is pretty similar...
Igor: (eagerly)
DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!!
Brocante: (apologetic but on the verge of not caring)
Leave him alone, Igor... I'm terribly sorry... Just back away slowly, sir... No sudden movements - I'll just go fetch his lead...
Paul: (growing afraid)
Oh! Cripes!
BRIEF END OF EPISODE SCENE
Setting: Paul is back home. This conversation happens via phone.
Paul: (enthusiastic/relaxed)
Hello listeners! I'm back home now... Goodness me! That Igor... He's quite a handful when you get him going! I wasn't sure if I was going to get away without being made his blushing bride. I mean, I'm not against hanging out with alpha males from time-to-time, but that's going a bit too far. (the phone begins to ring) Sorry... (answers phone) Hello... Paul The Shy Yeti speaking...
Brocante: (somewhat apologetically)
Hello, Mr Yeti, sir... I'm ever-so sorry about what happened when we met; I do hope that you're on the mend...
Paul: (not sounding completely sure in his answer)
Well, yes... I guess so... How is the... err... dear boy?
Brocante:
We've sent him to finishing school; so hopefully his behaviour will improve - eventually...
Paul: (unnerved on reflection)
Ah well, good... He was just being playful, I suppose - but there was a moment when I thought that I'd never manage a take part in a decent Fox-trot ever again...
Brocante: (unused to making small-talk)
Ah yes... I'm the same... I used to be a ballerina back in my youth, but I tripped on my tutu and I've never been QUITE the same since...
Paul: (slightly confused)
Oh... How... How very tragic... I thought tutu's were short...
Brocante: (sadly)
Alas not mine... They were home-made - my mother made them from some old curtains and she couldn't be bothered to cut them to an appropriate length...
Paul: (with understanding)
Parents, hey... You can't trust them! Anyway, I do hope everything is going well with selling those cobwebs...
Brocante: (sounding suddenly more positive)
Yes! Yes! All good, sir! Actually - Igor's visit to Madame Bettina's house wasn't all bad - as well as the cobwebs - he found a fossil down in the cellar; there's talk of getting some archaeologists in...
Paul: (awkwardly)
Fossils, you say? Down in the cellar!? I was locked down there for a day or two a year or so ago - are you sure it's not... well... I was down there for a few days and...
Brocante: (confidently confirming)
It's definitely a fossil...
Paul: (relieved)
Oh... Okay... Whatever you say! All very mysterious...
Brocante: (brightly)
By the way, sir... I believe I may have met a relative of yours back here in L.A.
Paul: (surprised)
A RELATIVE? OF MINE!? Whoever could THAT be?!
Brocante: (distractedly)
Um... Let me see, sir... I wrote his name down... (murmurs for a moment) ALGERNON!! His name was Algernon... Does that ring any bells?
Paul: (now shocked)
Goodness me, why yes - yes it does!! He's my long-lost cousin - although we've quite recently got back in touch... He lives in America, doesn't he - but how ever did you end up meeting him?
Brocante: (lowering voice, possibly delighted to be having this conversation)
You know, I don't like to speak out of turn or gossip, sir... Actually that's a lie - it's actually my very favourite thing to do
Paul: (encouraging)
Mine too... Do go on...
Brocante: (thinking it over)
Well, he's definitely one of my best customers...
Paul:
Really!? Buying or selling?
Brocante:
Mainly buying...
Paul: (confused)
Goodness! How strange... When I spoke to him he'd often say that he didn't have enough money for travel and yet...
Brocante: (trying to come up with a theory)
I guess he could have been buying for a client - like you were that first time we spoke, sir...
Paul: (hopeful)
Hmm... And do you think that might have been the case? Did he ever say that he was working for someone...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Well... No... Not really, sir...
Paul: (disappointed)
Golly... He's a bit of a mystery, I must say... I raised a whole bunch of money for him last year so that he could come visit because he claimed that he couldn't afford the tickets to fly over, but...
Brocante:
Oh my, sir... I don't wish to speak out of term, but he clearly does have money and possibly quite a lot of it...
Paul: (hopeful again)
Maybe he won the lottery...
Brocante:
Maybe, sir... Maybe...
Paul (voiceover);
It's all very curious... I'd like to simply dismiss this whole business as unfounded gossip - but I can't help but wonder about Cousin Algernon; I don't like to admit that Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right, but... but Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right... Something isn't definitely up with Cousin Algernon - but I'm not sure what... I do know somebody who might be able to help, though...
We hear a phone ringing - it is answered...
Martin: (slightly surprised)
Hello... Martin here... Is that you, yeti?
Paul: (delicately)
Yes... Yes... It's me... I'm sorry I'm calling so late... Just a quick question... You still have Police contacts, don't you?
Martin: (curious)
Yes... Yes! Of course... Why? Do you need some assistance?
Paul: (with concern)
I do... I really think I do... It's my Cousin Algernon... I want to find out more about him... I've had some slightly disturbing news and I don't quite know what to make of it...
Martin: (keen to help)
Oh... Really? Tell me more and I'll see what I can do to help you...
Paul: (grateful)
Thank you... Great... Well, you see... It's like this... (adlib-to-fade, banana water-melon etc.)
Paul begins to explain - but his voice fades away and the theme music drowns out his words...
MR. BROCANTE AND BETTINA'S VALUABLE ASSETS!
Have you had the chance to start looking through the... err... artefacts?
Brocante:
Indeed, I have, sir...
Paul: (curious)
May I ask what you think?
Brocante: (cagily)
Well... Would you like the good news or the bad news?
Paul: (nervously)
Oh, goodness. The bad news, I guess...
Brocante: (milking it, rather...)
Well... Okay... So, the bad news is there is no good news...
Paul: (alarmed)
Oh, blimey! Are you kidding?
Brocante: (apologetically)
I'm afraid not... It's all bad news - at least about what you have here on this table...
Paul: (surprised)
But how? Why? What's wrong with them?
Brocante: (bluntly)
They're fakes - that's what - plain and simple...
Paul: (shocked)
What? All of them?
Brocante:
Yes! Every last one...
Paul: (confused)
But why on earth would Bettina ask you to value them if she knew they were fakes... She's not like that; she wouldn't try and pull the wool over your eyes - she'd know you'd spot a fake at first glance!
Brocante: (sounding slightly disillusioned)
Actually I probably wouldn't... Fakes are much harder to spot these days - there's so much more technology involved; last week I nearly bought a set of Queen Anne side-tables only to discover at the last minute that they were all just an elaborate form of C.G.I.!
Paul: (shocked)
Good grief! Incredible!? So how do you know these are fakes then?
Brocante: (matter-of-factly)
It's written on them in bright felt tip pen, sir... Look... Here... F-A-K-E... I had to get the dictionary out to work out what that spelt but now I know - FAKE... FAKES! The lot of them...
Paul: (confused)
I had no idea; does this happen a lot; this really doesn't make ANY sense at all, Brocante...
Brocante: (with authority)
Well... One thing I will say is that I don't think your friend Bettina would have known that these items weren't genuine... They're good fakes - but they don't exactly look very advanced examples...
Paul: (taken aback)
Really? So do you think that this might mean that somebody sold the family fortune years ago?
Brocante: (with growing interest in the subject)
I'm afraid it's possible, sir... That's if there ever was a true fortune - they might have owned the house and that was pretty much it... Still, presuming that there were valuable trinkets at some stage then they could have been sold off by pretty much anyone - not necessarily by a member of the family - it could even have been one of the staff or a passing house-guest; practically anyone!
Paul: (trying not to panic)
Oh dear! I'm going to have to break it to Bettina - but what IS she going to say about it all? She was holding out hope that she could raise enough to alleviate some of her current financial trouble; I reckon she's trying to clear her debts before she and her fiance, Dameus tie the knot later in the year!
Brocante: (trying to sound more hopeful)
Ah well... This may be true - although looking around this room I do think that maybe I might have some good news for you after all - just not news about the things that are set out here on the table...
Paul: (surprised)
I'm sorry - what do you mean, exactly?
Brocante:
Well... I think perhaps some of the other items in this room and around the house might be of value; does everything on display belong to Miss Bettina or is it the property of the company running the guided tours?
Paul: (still slightly confused)
It's all hers - or her families - from what I know... But the items that you've looked at were the only things that she thought were of actual value...
Brocante: (brightening)
Well - I am very happy to tell you that she was wrong... There are many valuable artefacts in this house - it's just that they're not obviously of any value... Let me show you...
Paul: (impressed/pleased)
Alright! This is marvellous news - I'm fascinated...
Brocante: (helpfully)
If I may, sir - allow me to show you some of the items in this house that I do believe to be of some value!
Paul: (in agreement)
Absolutely, yes...
MUSIC PLAYS - ONCE WE RETURN TO OUR "HEROES" WE FIND THEM IN ANOTHER ROOM AND BROCANTE IS SHOWING PAUL SOME VALUABLE ITEMS...
Brocante: (enthusiastically)
Now THIS is an absolute gem, sir...
Paul: (baffled/trying not to sound rude)
It's a what? I'm sorry... What are you referring to? You're pointing at a blank wall and an old cardboard box awaiting recycling - is this some kind of invisible trinket that I'm not aware of?
Brocante: (encouragingly/suddenly becoming less professional with his final comment)
Look closer, sir... No... Closer... Closer still... Go on - get that great big hooter right in there and have a sniff about...
Paul: (trying to remain composed, but clearly miffed)
Alright! Alright... My nose is now currently pressed up against the plaster, thank you...
Brocante: (clearly enjoying himself)
Sorry, sir... I got a bit carried away there; so now that you're close up what do you see NOW!?
Paul: (confused)
Well, I must admit I'm kind of seeing stars - but... erm... I really don't see much other than an empty cardboard box, a spot of dust and some spider-webs...
Brocante: (trying to sound wise)
Spider-webs, yes - but not just ANY spider-webs...
Paul: (surprised)
REALLY? They're valuable...
Brocante: (enthusiastic)
ABSOLUTELY they are, sir...
Paul:
Well, I never... Would you care to explain why, maybe?
Brocante: (quickly)
I will - but do be careful, sir... You're about to step on the spider who makes the webs - I wouldn't advise it...
Paul: (apologetically)
Sorry! Sorry... I'll just stand still...
Brocante: (verging on sounding patronising)
Or you could follow me... There are more valuable things that you need to see, sir...
Paul: (slightly uncertain)
Oh... Right! I can't wait to tell Bettina about all this!
CHANGE OF LOCATION - TIME HAS PASSED AND PAUL IS NOW SPEAKING TO BETTINA ON THE PHONE - BROCANTE IS STILL THERE WITH PAUL...
Bettina: (ever-so polite)
Mister Brocante... I'm ever so grateful for all your help - who would have guessed that my dusty old box would have been so valuable! I had no idea that cobwebs would sell at such a high price!
Brocante: (showing off more than usual)
Well, dear lady - how WOULD you have known; this is why calling in a expert for these sorts of things is invaluable...
Bettina: (hopeful)
...And so you'll give me a quote?
Brocante: (politely)
I will, indeed...
Paul: (trying to make sense of all this)
...And is it ANY cobweb - like new ones as well?
Brocante: (distracted)
Mainly just the old ones - but if you store them carefully enough then they'll become old and then will eventually become collectable and of some value...
Bettina: (enthused)
Marvellous, darling! Paul, dear - why don't you show Mr Brocante down to the cellar - there must be plenty of cobwebs down there...
Paul: (less than keen)
There certainly were when Dameus locked me down there the other year...
Bettina: (apologetically)
Oh yes, dear... Well, you don't actually have to go back down there - just show him where it is...
Brocante: (sounding ultra-efficient)
Don't worry, dear lady - my assistant, Igor, is already investigating...
Bettina: (pleased)
Splendid! Splendid! I'm awfully grateful to you! Terribly so!
Brocante: (continuing, with rather too much charm)
If I may I'd like to ask you you're opinion on exactly how you'd like me to proceed... There are a number of possibilities and I'd be happy to quote you a number of different scenarios... (his voice fades away for Mr Yeti is moving away from them)
Paul: (speaking directly, cheerful)
Hello, listeners... Well now... Things seem to be going very nicely... I'm so glad I was able to help... Anything that helps Bettina with her finances; especially since she and Dameus are now engaged, of course! How fortunate that Mr Brocante was over here from the United States and was able to assist - he really is the best in the business... Well... He really is the only antique dealer that is associated with the show and was also willing to be recorded for just the price of a sandwich and a very large bottle of bubbly... Hey, look - I know it's not quite the same thing, but it's as good as we'll get...
PAUL PAUSES - HE HEARS A SOUND AND WHEN HE SPEAKS HE SOUNDS UNNERVED...
Oh!What was that? Not another skeleton in Bettina's cupboard coming to join the party; I do hope not! Where did that noise come from anyway - it sounds suspiciously like the cellar? THE CELLAR!! Hmm... Well, I'm not going down there! I wonder if it's Yeti Uncle John playing a prank!
(raising his voice) JOHN! IS THAT YOU!?! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!
THE CELLAR DOOR CREAKS OPEN...
(nervously) Oh, blimey... Whatever... WHOever it is - they're emerging now - right in front of me...
A SHAMBLING FIGURE EMERGES - IT IS IGOR, BROCANTE'S ASSISTANT...
Paul: (alarmed)
ARGH!
Igor: (grumpy)
Please do not ARGH at me! I have very sensitive lug-holes...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Please don't be alarmed, sir - this is Igor, my assistant; he is helping me with my work...
Paul: (over-dramatically)
Blimey... Sorry... I wondered who he was for the moment; especially emerging from that dreaded cellar like that - you may not know this, but I was locked down there once - held against my will...
Brocante:
Apologies, sir... It's never good to have one's will held... Well... Except in romantic moments... At any rate; you and Igor might have quite a bit in common now I think about it - I'm pretty sure he's half-yeti...
Paul: (uncertain)
I guess it's possible...
Igor: (cave-man-like / thinking things over)
She looks familiar...
Paul: (bemused)
Who does? I'm sorry... I'm confused now...
Brocante: (taking control)
Igor! I need you to focus... Did you find anything on that list I gave you; anything down in the cellar?
Igor: (unsure)
I may have found a fossil...
Paul: (excited)
Oooh! That could be valuable...
Brocante: (impatiently)
I guess so - although it wasn't on my list... What else did you see?
Igor: (spoken like a cave-man - slowly as he thinks each word)
I found more spiders... Do you think they might be the ones who make the valuable web...
Paul: (enthusiastically)
If you want a real spider expert then I can give you the number of a friend of mine, Jay the Hauntcub - what he doesn't know about our spidery friends isn't worth knowing...
Brocante: (mulling it over)
I may well take you up on that one...
Igor: (loudly and also with enthusiasm)
DEBBI! DEBBBBBBBIIIIII!
I'm sorry - what is he saying?
Brocante: (part embarrassed / part thrilled)
Ah... I believe that Igor has mistaken you for one of his former girl friends.
Igor:
DEBBI! DEBBBBBIIIIIIII! MY BELOVED!!!!
Brocante: (attempting to calm Igor)
No Igor... It's not Debbi... I know you miss her... You know who this is - I'm pretty sure I showed you his photo - this is Shy Yeti...
Igor: (attempting to be seductive)
Debbi. Kissy. Kissy.
Paul: (mortified)
Oh! Errr... I'm really not who you think I am. Honestly I'm not!
Igor: (Over the top)
DEBBBBBBBIIIIIIII....
Paul: (bemused)
Do I even look anything like this Debbi? No... Don't even answer that one...
Brocante: (sounding uneasy)
Well, I hate to say it - but your back hair is pretty similar...
Igor: (eagerly)
DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!!
Brocante: (apologetic but on the verge of not caring)
Leave him alone, Igor... I'm terribly sorry... Just back away slowly, sir... No sudden movements - I'll just go fetch his lead...
Paul: (growing afraid)
Oh! Cripes!
Igor: (plaintively)
DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!!
Paul:
Oh no... (panics)
Brocante: (still slightly blah)
Sir! Sir! Didn't you hear me! No sudden moves! Sir! Sir! No!!! Igor!! No! That's not a wig - please don't tug at it... Stop it now! This is most unprofessional! I'm awfully sorry, sir...
THERE IS A LOT OF COMMOTION AND THE SCENE FADES DOWN TO AN END...
BRIEF END OF EPISODE SCENE
Setting: Paul is back home. This conversation happens via phone.
Paul: (enthusiastic/relaxed)
Hello listeners! I'm back home now... Goodness me! That Igor... He's quite a handful when you get him going! I wasn't sure if I was going to get away without being made his blushing bride. I mean, I'm not against hanging out with alpha males from time-to-time, but that's going a bit too far. (the phone begins to ring) Sorry... (answers phone) Hello... Paul The Shy Yeti speaking...
Brocante: (somewhat apologetically)
Hello, Mr Yeti, sir... I'm ever-so sorry about what happened when we met; I do hope that you're on the mend...
Paul: (not sounding completely sure in his answer)
Well, yes... I guess so... How is the... err... dear boy?
Brocante:
We've sent him to finishing school; so hopefully his behaviour will improve - eventually...
Paul: (unnerved on reflection)
Ah well, good... He was just being playful, I suppose - but there was a moment when I thought that I'd never manage a take part in a decent Fox-trot ever again...
Brocante: (unused to making small-talk)
Ah yes... I'm the same... I used to be a ballerina back in my youth, but I tripped on my tutu and I've never been QUITE the same since...
Paul: (slightly confused)
Oh... How... How very tragic... I thought tutu's were short...
Brocante: (sadly)
Alas not mine... They were home-made - my mother made them from some old curtains and she couldn't be bothered to cut them to an appropriate length...
Paul: (with understanding)
Parents, hey... You can't trust them! Anyway, I do hope everything is going well with selling those cobwebs...
Brocante: (sounding suddenly more positive)
Yes! Yes! All good, sir! Actually - Igor's visit to Madame Bettina's house wasn't all bad - as well as the cobwebs - he found a fossil down in the cellar; there's talk of getting some archaeologists in...
Paul: (awkwardly)
Fossils, you say? Down in the cellar!? I was locked down there for a day or two a year or so ago - are you sure it's not... well... I was down there for a few days and...
Brocante: (confidently confirming)
It's definitely a fossil...
Paul: (relieved)
Oh... Okay... Whatever you say! All very mysterious...
Brocante: (brightly)
By the way, sir... I believe I may have met a relative of yours back here in L.A.
Paul: (surprised)
A RELATIVE? OF MINE!? Whoever could THAT be?!
Brocante: (distractedly)
Um... Let me see, sir... I wrote his name down... (murmurs for a moment) ALGERNON!! His name was Algernon... Does that ring any bells?
Paul: (now shocked)
Goodness me, why yes - yes it does!! He's my long-lost cousin - although we've quite recently got back in touch... He lives in America, doesn't he - but how ever did you end up meeting him?
Brocante: (lowering voice, possibly delighted to be having this conversation)
You know, I don't like to speak out of turn or gossip, sir... Actually that's a lie - it's actually my very favourite thing to do
Paul: (encouraging)
Mine too... Do go on...
Brocante: (thinking it over)
Well, he's definitely one of my best customers...
Paul:
Really!? Buying or selling?
Brocante:
Mainly buying...
Paul: (confused)
Goodness! How strange... When I spoke to him he'd often say that he didn't have enough money for travel and yet...
Brocante: (trying to come up with a theory)
I guess he could have been buying for a client - like you were that first time we spoke, sir...
Paul: (hopeful)
Hmm... And do you think that might have been the case? Did he ever say that he was working for someone...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Well... No... Not really, sir...
Paul: (disappointed)
Golly... He's a bit of a mystery, I must say... I raised a whole bunch of money for him last year so that he could come visit because he claimed that he couldn't afford the tickets to fly over, but...
Brocante:
Oh my, sir... I don't wish to speak out of term, but he clearly does have money and possibly quite a lot of it...
Paul: (hopeful again)
Maybe he won the lottery...
Brocante:
Maybe, sir... Maybe...
Paul (voiceover);
It's all very curious... I'd like to simply dismiss this whole business as unfounded gossip - but I can't help but wonder about Cousin Algernon; I don't like to admit that Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right, but... but Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right... Something isn't definitely up with Cousin Algernon - but I'm not sure what... I do know somebody who might be able to help, though...
We hear a phone ringing - it is answered...
Martin: (slightly surprised)
Hello... Martin here... Is that you, yeti?
Paul: (delicately)
Yes... Yes... It's me... I'm sorry I'm calling so late... Just a quick question... You still have Police contacts, don't you?
Martin: (curious)
Yes... Yes! Of course... Why? Do you need some assistance?
Paul: (with concern)
I do... I really think I do... It's my Cousin Algernon... I want to find out more about him... I've had some slightly disturbing news and I don't quite know what to make of it...
Martin: (keen to help)
Oh... Really? Tell me more and I'll see what I can do to help you...
Paul: (grateful)
Thank you... Great... Well, you see... It's like this... (adlib-to-fade, banana water-melon etc.)
Paul begins to explain - but his voice fades away and the theme music drowns out his words...
MR. BROCANTE AND BETTINA'S VALUABLE ASSETS!
Start title music
Introduction from home (ad-lib)
Main title music
Start of episode chat (ad-lib)
Brief chat with Bettina... (ad-lib)
Main sketch with Brocante
Poems
Bettina again (ad-lib)
Sutton Park (with Martin and Cromitty)
Chat with Yeti Uncle John, Cromitty? (end ad-lib)
First end title music
Brief sketch with Brocante
Main End title music
End scene (Paul calls Martin - see above?)
Idea: Summer 2018. This was written between: 18th September 2018 and 1st February 2019 - with further work carrying on until the 5th April 2019.
