NOTES FOR MY BIRTHDAY - NOVEMBER 2018

BIRTHDAY PLANS - 10.11.2018...

Hi Toppie,

Here are some ideas for what we can record for my birthday episode on my birthday - Saturday 10th November 2018.

I hope you like the ideas.

Paul

The Two Part Birthday Special - November 2018

Pt1. Toppie and John try to arrange a birthday party for Paul, but everyone is going to be away. Let’s arrange a party, but we need to surprise Paul on the day. But Paul is on birthday holiday retreat. He speaks to Toppie and John via Skype and pretends he’s in Barcelona but he’s not. John and Toppie have all the party food with them, but Paul just has crackers. He reads a poem maybe and there are Sutton Park clips. He decides to cook, but sets the fire alarm off. Let’s hope the party goes well.

Pt2. Toppie and John throw a belated birthday party for Paul back in London. All is well, only one of the guests is not what he/she appears. The podcasting world is shocked when Paul is turned to stone by one of his guests. Only to find that she is a gorgon. Martin and Ikk are on hand to solve the crime and to try and reverse the effects. Toppie is there at the party, but maybe also plays the gorgon. Harry will also be at the party. To be recorded in Canterbury.

May also record another episode or two whilst in Kent. One might be about going to Canterbury with Harry on my actual birthday.

Harry

Under-rated or Favourite things

Sketch

Sutton Park

With Toppie too?

DRAFT SKETCHES FOR MM - THELMA AND LOUISE

PLANS FOR THE MM CROSSOVER…

3 SKETCHES AND A GOODBYE

BETTINA AND AUNT TAPPIE – 1

Bettina:

Darling! What are we talking about today?

Aunt Tappie:

Oh… Silly… We’ve already discussed this…

Bettina:

Somebody ought to announce us dear… Don’t say another word until somebody announces us…

Aunt Tappie:

Well, shouldn’t people already know that… No… No… Very well…

Toppie’s voice:

Our very special guests this time are my own Aunt Tappie – often heard on the little Smellcast show and also Bettina Du Pres – actress, socialite and star of The Shy Life Podcast!

Aunt Tappie:

Well, that was absolutely lovely…

Bettina:

Toppie! She’s not just your Auntie – she is also an actress, socialite and podcaster… Really… Where he’s gone?

Aunt Tappie:

Never mind, dear – my entrance has been trumpeted and I am happy… Now… Come along… It’s not our show… We need to get a move on… Let’s talk film!

Bettina:

Oh yes, very well… Some of our favourites!

Aunt Tappie:

Thelma & Louise!

Bettina:

Oh… What a wonderful film – we both like that one, don’t we, darling!?

Aunt Tappie:

Yes dear… They’re just like us, aren’t they dear?

Bettina:

Well… They’re friends; although I don’t think we were ever quite as naughty as they were…

Aunt Tappie:

We were PRETTY naughty, darling – don’t make us out to be angels…

Bettina:

Ah no… We were never angels – but sometimes we’d pretend we were…

Aunt Tappie:

To get our own way…

Bettina:

Yes, dear! (they both laugh)

Aunt Tappie:

Do you remember when we tried to trick Mr Warhol into buying us dinner?

Bettina:

Of course, darling! We managed it too!

Aunt Tappie:

We did… You told him that your goldfish had died…

Bettina:

Yes, I did… And I smudged my mascara…

Aunt Tappie:

Yes… And I smudged my mascara too and it messed up my dress…

Bettina:

Which made you genuinely cry…

Aunt Tappie:

Yes! Yes… I did cry… Still… It got us a free dinner… (they both laugh again)

Bettina:

Anyway… Thelma and Louise…

Aunt Tappie:

WHERE dear? I don’t see them…

Bettina:

No! The FILM, darling… It’s one of our favourites…

Aunt Tappie:

Oh yes, dear – one of the very best… It’s a shame how it all ends though…

Bettina:

Oh! Spoilers, darling!

Aunt Tappie:

REALLY!? (tuts) Well, at least they go out in a blaze of glory…

Bettina:

I’d rather go out with a hunky lumberjack, myself…

Aunt Tappie:

Ha! You and me both, darling… (distracted) What? What! Oh… Apparently we’ve run out of time, Bettina, darling…

Bettina:

What!? Already!?

Aunt Tappie:

We can come back in a bit, dear – Toppie and DJ have more to be saying… We need to think of another favourite film…

Bettina:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre, darling!

Aunt Tappie:

No, Bettina! Something nice! Something for the ladies…

Bettina:

Oooh! Alright, then! More later, listeners!

Aunt Tappie:

Toodles, peeps!

BETTINA AND AUNT TAPPIE – 2

Bettina:

So – did you want me to suggest another female buddy movie, dear?

Aunt Tappie:

I’m not sure, dear – I think they want us to say some more about Thelma and Louise – it’s the movie that they’re discussing this week, remember…

Bettina:

Oh! Is it, Tappie, dear? Well, it is a very good movie… I approve!

Aunt Tappie:

What other film were you going to suggest, dear?

Bettina:

Well, my darling - I was actually thinking that Psycho might be a good one…

Aunt Tappie:

Psycho, dear!? As an example of a female buddy movie!?

Bettina:

Well, there ARE ladies in it, dear heart…

Aunt Tappie:

Yes, Betsy – I guess there is… But not in the same scene…

Bettina:

I'm sorry... Now you're confusing me... What do you mean, dear?

Aunt Tappie:

Well, lovely - if you recall the first lady gets murdered…

Bettina:

Spoilers, dear!

Aunt Tappie:

Oh, stop it, Betsy… Psycho was made 60 years ago… AND I don’t see how it counts as a female buddy movie…

Bettina:

Well dear - when the first lady dies…

Aunt Tappie:

Marion… Her name’s Marion, dear – and her sister is Lila.

Bettina:

Oh golly, dear – you do know a lot… So when Marion gets… *whispers* murdered… Her sister comes to the rescue to find out what’s going on…

Aunt Tappie:

Although she doesn’t rescue Marion, does she, dear - it's a bit late by then...

Bettina:

Well, I guess so…

Aunt Tappie:

Well then… Listen Betsy – we’re not even discussing Psycho - AND it’s not a female buddy movie…

Bettina:

Alright then, darling… So what are we discussing?

Aunt Tappie:

THELMA AND LOUISE, DEAR!?

Bettina:

AGAIN!?

Aunt Tappie:

Yes! YES!! RIGHT NOW THIS MINUTE!!

Toppie:

Sorry ladies… You’ve run out of time… You’ll have to talk about Thelma and Louise again in the last segment…

Aunt Tappie:

WHAT!? REALLY!? Well, now look what you did Bettina – with all your irrelevant wittering…

Bettina:

Well, I’m SORRRREEEE, dear…

Aunt Tappie:

I'm sure you are... Oh! Oh! This will get you excited, dear - Brad Pitt is in it…

Bettina:

He is, dear? In Psycho!?

Aunt Tappie:

NO! IN THELMA AND LOUISE…

Toppie:

Sorry, ladies… Out of time…

Aunt Tappie:

Well, REALLY!!

Bettina:

How unreasonable, dear…

BETTINA AND AUNT TAPPIE – 3

Aunt Tappie:

Darling! We're back on...

Bettina:

On where, dear!? Oh, recording... Marvellous... Do you want some gin, dear?

Aunt Tappie:

In a minute I'd love some - but first we need to trade some facts about the film, dear - about Thelma and Louise!

Bettina:

Oooh! Well - the first thing I want to say is that I can't believe this film is almost 30 years old; well, getting there, at least!

Aunt Tappie:

Oh, darling! I know... It seems only five minutes ago... I do actually remember seeing it at the cinema; I may even have gone to the premier - I forget now. Brad Pitt was simply OBSESSED with me around this time...

Bettina:

Really, darling... How marvellous for you... Had to fight him off, did you?

Aunt Tappie:

Something like that... I didn't fight him off too hard, mind...

Bettina:

Oh, Tappie dear! You can be such a hussy sometimes...

Aunt Tappie:

Ha! You're right... Still...

Bettina:

I've never heard him mention you in interviews...

Aunt Tappie:

No, darling... I swore him to secrecy... This was before the days of Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston, of course and years before Angelina Jolie came on the picture...

Bettina:

Sure... Sure... Anyway! Enough of that fiction; we should talk more about the film - I have facts here...

Aunt Tappie:

But the boys might already have discussed them...

Bettina:

You can't presume that, dear - directed by Ridley Scott... Geena Davis, Susan Sarandon... Harvey Keitel, Michael Madsen...

Aunt Tappie:

Brad Pitt...

Bettina:

Yes, thank you, dear - we've said QUITE enough about him, I think...

Aunt Tappie:

Six Academy Award nominations - won for Best Original Screenplay...

Bettina:

Did you know that it was very nearly Meryl Streep and Cher in the lead roles?

Aunt Tappie:

How fascinating! They could have turned it into a movie - like Mamma Mia - only... grittier... and with more scenes involving Brad Pitt...

Bettina:

Yeeeesssss... I sense a common theme here... Anyway - the story is meant to be set on a fictional route between Arkansas and the Grand Canyon, but it was actually filmed almost entirely in California and Utah. Oh golly... Do you remember that weekend we had in Utah back in '71, darling...

Aunt Tappie:

Remember it, darling? Why, of course not - but then again 1971 is a complete blur...

Bettina:

I spent most of it doing bit parts in Italian crime thrillers - the amount of Jack Daniels I drunk then was criminal...

Aunt Tappie:

I used to share a flat with a couple of hotties called Jack and Danny... The things they got up to... well... I really must write my autobiography one day!

Bettina:

Of course you'll have to make it all up if you're forgotten most of it...

Aunt Tappie:

Good point, darling! Ha!

Toppie:

Ladies! We're out of time... Let's call it a day - say goodbye to the listeners, why don't you?!

Aunt Tappie:

So soon! What a pity... Well, goodbye lovely listeners - goodbye from me - your friend Aunt Tappie!

Bettina:

...And goodbye from me too - Bettina Du Pres! It's been an absolute pleasure - one million kisses - one million and one kisses... (she does her usual chuckle)

Toppie:

Okay, ladies! Thank you! That's a wrap!

Aunt Tappie:

Wow! It's hot here, Betsy darling! Is it just me?

Bettina:

No! I'm burning up... Hey! Toppie! How's about a couple of gin and tonics for a pair of old broads...

Aunt Tappie:

Doubles! In a long glass with some extra ice!

Bettina:

Oh yes! And a cherry!

Toppie:

Your wish is my command...

Bettina and Aunt Tappie laugh and the sketch ends...

HE'S NOT ANTIQUE... HE'S BROCANTE!!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 
BROCANTE THE THIRD - HE'S BACK!!!

Hi Peter!

Sorry this has taken me an absolute age to write - I spend so much time recording and editing new shows that I only really get to write the scripts in "quiet moments" at work; so it can take a while... All the same - I hope you like this one; it's a little different from the first two.

Thanks again!

Paul :0)

PS Hi Jay - thank you for agreeing to play Igor! I think it was the part that you were born to play! hehe Don't slap me! :0) #shady

MR. BROCANTE AND BETTINA'S VALUABLE ASSETS!

MAIN SCENE

CAST:

Paul The Shy Yeti Yeti... lines from Paul - in black

Brocante The Antique Dealer... lines for ThatPeter G - in blue

Bettina Du Pres... lines also for Paul - in red

Igor... lines for Jay The Hauntcub - in pink

Martin... lines for Paul (what, again!?) - in peach

Setting: Bettina's house. This conversation happens face-to-face.

Paul: (explaining what is happening)

Hi listeners. I'm somewhere else today. When I say that you understand that I mean that this time I'm not down in the Library Podcasting Studios. I'm actually at Bettina's Estate today - Bettina's not around although we will be talking to her a number of times during this episode. Anyway - she and Dameus are overseas again - still doing their little tour group and travelling from town to town as they were when we met up with them in Marseille last year. 

Recap to the Marseille episode (#193) where Bettina says she will have to sell the house... Maybe also a clip from the "WHERE ARE THEY" episode from early 2019 where more info comes out...

As you'll recall Bettina is in the position where she is most probably going to have to completely sell the house - splitting any profit with the few remaining members of her family - but at first she needs to get a number of items in the house valued for auction. It just so happens that friend of the show Brocante The Art Dealer was over in the UK on business and I was able to get an appointment with him to come over to Bettina's house to take a look around for any potentially valuable items that she might like to sell off; just to help her a bit with her money troubles... Anyway, it was the first time that I've actually met Mr Brocante - he's quite a charming fellow... (lowers his tone) Of course he's slightly eccentric, but that's to be expected - I think we probably ALL are on this show...

We now join Paul and Brocante in mid-conversation...

Paul: (enthusiastically)

Well - I must say, it's really lovely to finally meet you...

Brocante: (as polite as ever)

Yes sir... Always pleased to help if I can, sir... I must say, though - you're not how I imagined you would be...

Paul: (surprised/curious)

Oh? Really? How exactly did you imagine me?

Brocante: (thoughtful)

More... Woolly, sir... However now I think I may have been confusing a yeti with a mammoth...

Paul: (delicately)

Oh! Yes... Quite different fellows altogether...

Brocante: (apologetically)

Indeed, sir... No offence intended...

Paul: (taking charge, like he know what he's actually doing!)

None taken... Anyway... Good... Right... Let's get to business, shall we?

Brocante: (mutters)

Oh my! This one's a quick worker... Yes sir! Of course, sir. Brocante's Antiques are overjoyed to be able to help you with this matter! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

Paul: (enthusiastically)

Well, as I've already said - it's a pleasure to do business with you again...

Brocante: (trying not to sound too depressed about it)

It's nice to finally put a face to a name - your associate Miss Bettina is one of my best customers... actually she's one of my only customers - but really I mustn't grumble...

Paul: (trying to sound organised)

Ha! Yes... So Mister Brocante - Bettina gave me a detailed list of everything that she wanted you to look over; I think I've been able to get everything together for you to study in one place...

Brocante: (politely again)

Very good, sir... 

Paul: (struggling for words)

Have you had the chance to start looking through the... err... artefacts?

Brocante:

Indeed, I have, sir...

Paul: (curious)

May I ask what you think?

Brocante: (cagily)

Well... Would you like the good news or the bad news?

Paul: (nervously)

Oh, goodness. The bad news, I guess...

Brocante: (milking it, rather...)

Well... Okay... So, the bad news is there is no good news...

Paul: (alarmed)

Oh, blimey! Are you kidding?

Brocante: (apologetically)

I'm afraid not... It's all bad news - at least about what you have here on this table...

Paul: (surprised)

But how? Why? What's wrong with them?

Brocante: (bluntly)

They're fakes - that's what - plain and simple...

Paul: (shocked)

What? All of them?

Brocante:

Yes! Every last one...

Paul: (confused)

But why on earth would Bettina ask you to value them if she knew they were fakes... She's not like that; she wouldn't try and pull the wool over your eyes - she'd know you'd spot a fake at first glance!

Brocante: (sounding slightly disillusioned)

Actually I probably wouldn't... Fakes are much harder to spot these days - there's so much more technology involved; last week I nearly bought a set of Queen Anne side-tables only to discover at the last minute that they were all just an elaborate form of C.G.I.!

Paul: (shocked)

Good grief! Incredible!? So how do you know these are fakes then?

Brocante: (matter-of-factly)

It's written on them in bright felt tip pen, sir... Look... Here... F-A-K-E... I had to get the dictionary out to work out what that spelt but now I know - FAKE... FAKES! The lot of them...

Paul: (confused)

I had no idea; does this happen a lot; this really doesn't make ANY sense at all, Brocante...

Brocante: (with authority)

Well... One thing I will say is that I don't think your friend Bettina would have known that these items weren't genuine... They're good fakes - but they don't exactly look very advanced examples...

Paul: (taken aback)

Really? So do you think that this might mean that somebody sold the family fortune years ago?

Brocante: (with growing interest in the subject)

I'm afraid it's possible, sir... That's if there ever was a true fortune - they might have owned the house and that was pretty much it... Still, presuming that there were valuable trinkets at some stage then they could have been sold off by pretty much anyone - not necessarily by a member of the family - it could even have been one of the staff or a passing house-guest; practically anyone!

Paul: (trying not to panic)

Oh dear! I'm going to have to break it to Bettina - but what IS she going to say about it all? She was holding out hope that she could raise enough to alleviate some of her current financial trouble; I reckon she's trying to clear her debts before she and her fiance, Dameus tie the knot later in the year!

Brocante: (trying to sound more hopeful)

Ah well... This may be true - although looking around this room I do think that maybe I might have some good news for you after all - just not news about the things that are set out here on the table...

Paul: (surprised)

I'm sorry - what do you mean, exactly?

Brocante:

Well... I think perhaps some of the other items in this room and around the house might be of value; does everything on display belong to Miss Bettina or is it the property of the company running the guided tours?

Paul: (still slightly confused)

It's all hers - or her families - from what I know... But the items that you've looked at were the only things that she thought were of actual value...

Brocante: (brightening)

Well - I am very happy to tell you that she was wrong... There are many valuable artefacts in this house - it's just that they're not obviously of any value... Let me show you...

Paul: (impressed/pleased)

Alright! This is marvellous news - I'm fascinated...

Brocante: (helpfully)

If I may, sir - allow me to show you some of the items in this house that I do believe to be of some value!

Paul: (in agreement)

Absolutely, yes...

MUSIC PLAYS - ONCE WE RETURN TO OUR "HEROES" WE FIND THEM IN ANOTHER ROOM AND BROCANTE IS SHOWING PAUL SOME VALUABLE ITEMS...

Brocante: (enthusiastically)

Now THIS is an absolute gem, sir...

Paul: (baffled/trying not to sound rude)

It's a what? I'm sorry... What are you referring to? You're pointing at a blank wall and an old cardboard box awaiting recycling - is this some kind of invisible trinket that I'm not aware of?

Brocante: (encouragingly/suddenly becoming less professional with his final comment)

Look closer, sir... No... Closer... Closer still... Go on - get that great big hooter right in there and have a sniff about...

Paul: (trying to remain composed, but clearly miffed)

Alright! Alright... My nose is now currently pressed up against the plaster, thank you...

Brocante: (clearly enjoying himself)

Sorry, sir... I got a bit carried away there; so now that you're close up what do you see NOW!?

Paul: (confused)

Well, I must admit I'm kind of seeing stars - but... erm... I really don't see much other than an empty cardboard box, a spot of dust and some spider-webs...

Brocante: (trying to sound wise)

Spider-webs, yes - but not just ANY spider-webs...

Paul: (surprised)

REALLY? They're valuable...

Brocante: (enthusiastic)

ABSOLUTELY they are, sir...

Paul:

Well, I never... Would you care to explain why, maybe?

Brocante: (quickly)

I will - but do be careful, sir... You're about to step on the spider who makes the webs - I wouldn't advise it...

Paul: (apologetically)

Sorry! Sorry... I'll just stand still...

Brocante: (verging on sounding patronising)

Or you could follow me... There are more valuable things that you need to see, sir...

Paul: (slightly uncertain)

Oh... Right! I can't wait to tell Bettina about all this!

CHANGE OF LOCATION - TIME HAS PASSED AND PAUL IS NOW SPEAKING TO BETTINA ON THE PHONE - BROCANTE IS STILL THERE WITH PAUL...

Bettina: (ever-so polite)

Mister Brocante... I'm ever so grateful for all your help - who would have guessed that my dusty old box would have been so valuable! I had no idea that cobwebs would sell at such a high price!

Brocante: (showing off more than usual)

Well, dear lady - how WOULD you have known; this is why calling in a expert for these sorts of things is invaluable...

Bettina: (hopeful)

...And so you'll give me a quote?

Brocante: (politely)

I will, indeed...

Paul: (trying to make sense of all this)

...And is it ANY cobweb - like new ones as well?

Brocante: (distracted)

Mainly just the old ones - but if you store them carefully enough then they'll become old and then will eventually become collectable and of some value...

Bettina: (enthused)

Marvellous, darling! Paul, dear - why don't you show Mr Brocante down to the cellar - there must be plenty of cobwebs down there...

Paul: (less than keen)

There certainly were when Dameus locked me down there the other year...

Bettina: (apologetically)

Oh yes, dear... Well, you don't actually have to go back down there - just show him where it is...

Brocante: (sounding ultra-efficient)

Don't worry, dear lady - my assistant, Igor, is already investigating...

Bettina: (pleased)

Splendid! Splendid! I'm awfully grateful to you! Terribly so!

Brocante: (continuing, with rather too much charm)

If I may I'd like to ask you you're opinion on exactly how you'd like me to proceed... There are a number of possibilities and I'd be happy to quote you a number of different scenarios... (his voice fades away for Mr Yeti is moving away from them)

Paul: (speaking directly, cheerful)

Hello, listeners... Well now... Things seem to be going very nicely... I'm so glad I was able to help... Anything that helps Bettina with her finances; especially since she and Dameus are now engaged, of course! How fortunate that Mr Brocante was over here from the United States and was able to assist - he really is the best in the business... Well... He really is the only antique dealer that is associated with the show and was also willing to be recorded for just the price of a sandwich and a very large bottle of bubbly... Hey, look - I know it's not quite the same thing, but it's as good as we'll get...

PAUL PAUSES - HE HEARS A SOUND AND WHEN HE SPEAKS HE SOUNDS UNNERVED...

Oh!What was that? Not another skeleton in Bettina's cupboard coming to join the party; I do hope not! Where did that noise come from anyway - it sounds suspiciously like the cellar? THE CELLAR!! Hmm... Well, I'm not going down there! I wonder if it's Yeti Uncle John playing a prank!

(raising his voice) JOHN! IS THAT YOU!?! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!

THE CELLAR DOOR CREAKS OPEN...

(nervously) Oh, blimey... Whatever... WHOever it is - they're emerging now - right in front of me...

A SHAMBLING FIGURE EMERGES - IT IS IGOR, BROCANTE'S ASSISTANT...

Paul: (alarmed)

ARGH!

Igor: (grumpy)

Please do not ARGH at me! I have very sensitive lug-holes...

Brocante: (apologetically)

Please don't be alarmed, sir - this is Igor, my assistant; he is helping me with my work...

Paul: (over-dramatically)

Blimey... Sorry... I wondered who he was for the moment; especially emerging from that dreaded cellar like that - you may not know this, but I was locked down there once - held against my will...

Brocante:

Apologies, sir... It's never good to have one's will held... Well... Except in romantic moments... At any rate; you and Igor might have quite a bit in common now I think about it - I'm pretty sure he's half-yeti...

Paul: (uncertain)

I guess it's possible...

Igor: (cave-man-like / thinking things over)

She looks familiar...

Paul: (bemused)

Who does? I'm sorry... I'm confused now...

Brocante: (taking control)

Igor! I need you to focus... Did you find anything on that list I gave you; anything down in the cellar?

Igor: (unsure)

I may have found a fossil...

Paul: (excited)

Oooh! That could be valuable...

Brocante: (impatiently)

I guess so - although it wasn't on my list... What else did you see?

Igor: (spoken like a cave-man - slowly as he thinks each word)

I found more spiders... Do you think they might be the ones who make the valuable web...

Paul: (enthusiastically)

If you want a real spider expert then I can give you the number of a friend of mine, Jay the Hauntcub - what he doesn't know about our spidery friends isn't worth knowing...

Brocante: (mulling it over)

I may well take you up on that one...

Igor: (loudly and also with enthusiasm)

DEBBI! DEBBBBBBBIIIIII!

Paul: (trying not to show how alarmed he is)

I'm sorry - what is he saying?

Brocante: (part embarrassed / part thrilled)

Ah... I believe that Igor has mistaken you for one of his former girl friends.

Igor:

DEBBI! DEBBBBBIIIIIIII! MY BELOVED!!!!

Brocante: (attempting to calm Igor)

No Igor... It's not Debbi... I know you miss her... You know who this is - I'm pretty sure I showed you his photo - this is Shy Yeti...

Igor: (attempting to be seductive)

Debbi. Kissy. Kissy.

Paul: (mortified)

Oh! Errr... I'm really not who you think I am. Honestly I'm not!

Igor: (Over the top)

DEBBBBBBBIIIIIIII....

Paul: (bemused)

Do I even look anything like this Debbi? No... Don't even answer that one...

Brocante: (sounding uneasy)

Well, I hate to say it - but your back hair is pretty similar...

Igor: (eagerly)

DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!!

Brocante: (apologetic but on the verge of not caring)

Leave him alone, Igor... I'm terribly sorry... Just back away slowly, sir... No sudden movements - I'll just go fetch his lead...

Paul: (growing afraid)

Oh! Cripes!

Igor: (plaintively)

DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!!

Paul:

Oh no... (panics)

Brocante: (still slightly blah)

Sir! Sir! Didn't you hear me! No sudden moves! Sir! Sir! No!!! Igor!! No! That's not a wig - please don't tug at it... Stop it now! This is most unprofessional! I'm awfully sorry, sir...

THERE IS A LOT OF COMMOTION AND THE SCENE FADES DOWN TO AN END...

BRIEF END OF EPISODE SCENE

Setting: Paul is back home. This conversation happens via phone.

Paul: (enthusiastic/relaxed)

Hello listeners! I'm back home now... Goodness me! That Igor... He's quite a handful when you get him going! I wasn't sure if I was going to get away without being made his blushing bride. I mean, I'm not against hanging out with alpha males from time-to-time, but that's going a bit too far. (the phone begins to ring) Sorry... (answers phone) Hello... Paul The Shy Yeti speaking...

Brocante: (somewhat apologetically)

Hello, Mr Yeti, sir... I'm ever-so sorry about what happened when we met; I do hope that you're on the mend...

Paul: (not sounding completely sure in his answer)

Well, yes... I guess so... How is the... err... dear boy?

Brocante:

We've sent him to finishing school; so hopefully his behaviour will improve - eventually...

Paul: (unnerved on reflection)

Ah well, good... He was just being playful, I suppose - but there was a moment when I thought that I'd never manage a take part in a decent Fox-trot ever again...

Brocante: (unused to making small-talk)

Ah yes... I'm the same... I used to be a ballerina back in my youth, but I tripped on my tutu and I've never been QUITE the same since...

Paul: (slightly confused)

Oh... How... How very tragic... I thought tutu's were short...

Brocante: (sadly)

Alas not mine... They were home-made - my mother made them from some old curtains and she couldn't be bothered to cut them to an appropriate length...

Paul: (with understanding)

Parents, hey... You can't trust them! Anyway, I do hope everything is going well with selling those cobwebs...

Brocante: (sounding suddenly more positive)

Yes! Yes! All good, sir! Actually - Igor's visit to Madame Bettina's house wasn't all bad - as well as the cobwebs - he found a fossil down in the cellar; there's talk of getting some archaeologists in...

Paul: (awkwardly)

Fossils, you say? Down in the cellar!? I was locked down there for a day or two a year or so ago - are you sure it's not... well... I was down there for a few days and...

Brocante: (confidently confirming)

It's definitely a fossil...

Paul: (relieved)

Oh... Okay... Whatever you say! All very mysterious...

Brocante: (brightly)

By the way, sir... I believe I may have met a relative of yours back here in L.A.

Paul: (surprised)

A RELATIVE? OF MINE!? Whoever could THAT be?!

Brocante: (distractedly)

Um... Let me see, sir... I wrote his name down... (murmurs for a moment) ALGERNON!! His name was Algernon... Does that ring any bells?

Paul: (now shocked)

Goodness me, why yes - yes it does!! He's my long-lost cousin - although we've quite recently got back in touch... He lives in America, doesn't he - but how ever did you end up meeting him?

Brocante: (lowering voice, possibly delighted to be having this conversation)

You know, I don't like to speak out of turn or gossip, sir... Actually that's a lie - it's actually my very favourite thing to do

Paul: (encouraging)

Mine too... Do go on...

Brocante: (thinking it over)

Well, he's definitely one of my best customers...

Paul:

Really!? Buying or selling?

Brocante:

Mainly buying...

Paul: (confused)

Goodness! How strange... When I spoke to him he'd often say that he didn't have enough money for travel and yet...

Brocante: (trying to come up with a theory)

I guess he could have been buying for a client - like you were that first time we spoke, sir...

Paul: (hopeful)

Hmm... And do you think that might have been the case? Did he ever say that he was working for someone...

Brocante: (apologetically)

Well... No... Not really, sir...

Paul: (disappointed)

Golly... He's a bit of a mystery, I must say... I raised a whole bunch of money for him last year so that he could come visit because he claimed that he couldn't afford the tickets to fly over, but...

Brocante:

Oh my, sir... I don't wish to speak out of term, but he clearly does have money and possibly quite a lot of it...

Paul: (hopeful again)

Maybe he won the lottery...

Brocante:

Maybe, sir... Maybe...

Paul (voiceover);

It's all very curious... I'd like to simply dismiss this whole business as unfounded gossip - but I can't help but wonder about Cousin Algernon; I don't like to admit that Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right, but... but Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right... Something isn't definitely up with Cousin Algernon - but I'm not sure what... I do know somebody who might be able to help, though...

We hear a phone ringing - it is answered...

Martin: (slightly surprised)

Hello... Martin here... Is that you, yeti?

Paul: (delicately)

Yes... Yes... It's me... I'm sorry I'm calling so late... Just a quick question... You still have Police contacts, don't you?

Martin: (curious)

Yes... Yes! Of course... Why? Do you need some assistance?

Paul: (with concern)

I do... I really think I do... It's my Cousin Algernon... I want to find out more about him... I've had some slightly disturbing news and I don't quite know what to make of it...

Martin: (keen to help)

Oh... Really? Tell me more and I'll see what I can do to help you...

Paul: (grateful)

Thank you... Great... Well, you see... It's like this... (adlib-to-fade, banana water-melon etc.)

Paul begins to explain - but his voice fades away and the theme music drowns out his words...


MR. BROCANTE AND BETTINA'S VALUABLE ASSETS!

BRIEF PLAN FOR EPISODE...

Start title music

Introduction from home (ad-lib)

Main title music

Start of episode chat (ad-lib)

Brief chat with Bettina... (ad-lib)

Main sketch with Brocante

Poems

Bettina again (ad-lib)

Sutton Park (with Martin and Cromitty)

Chat with Yeti Uncle John, Cromitty? (end ad-lib)

First end title music

Brief sketch with Brocante

Main End title music

End scene (Paul calls Martin - see above?)


Idea: Summer 2018. This was written between: 18th September 2018 and 1st February 2019 - with further work carrying on until the 5th April 2019.

NEW DEADIEGRAMS EPISODE

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT DEADIEGRAMS...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF "TASTES LIKE BURNING"...

Dear Tim,

I will probably build an episode around this script to be released sometime in the first quarter of 2019 - as it's all about people bumping into Deadiegrams in everyday life it doesn't matter that it's not Halloween or an especially spooky occasion. Of course we both know that horror films aren't just for Halloween - but for all year around! (Just ask the Big D, she has made a career from it!)

If you didn't know it already D'grams is quite the dark horse... as the following script clearly shows... Hold tight!

I thank you and Deadiegrams for your time and effort.

Mr Yeti :)

THE MANY TALL TALES OF DAME DEADIEGRAMS

FIRST TITLES RUN

YETI: (jovial)

Hello, listeners! So good to see you again! The regulars are all here with me! We were just having a chat here about a mutual friend - we were just realising that we've not seen her around for quite a while... Who are we talking about? I guess that first sentence could apply to a number of other former guests of the show - Talluluh Twinklehorn; not seen her since Christmas... Beverley - ah... we saw her briefly at my birthday party; she's been ill, but she'll be back in greater detail soon, I promise... Wifey Jo... Well no - we do catch up with her quite a bit... Anyway - who we're actually talking about on this occasion is our old friend Deadiegrams...

You remember Deadiegrams, right? Dead grandma... Spooky voice... GREAT cook - so I'm told - if you like ectoplasm... ANYWAY...

So, as you will probably have noticed - she's not been on our own show for a while - and only fleetingly on Tats Lick Bunning (which is what Ikk calls Tastes Like Burning, the show that she is most closely associated with.) However all of us here have our own little stories of bumping into her over the last few months... And that's pretty much what the majority of this episode is going to be about - plus some poems - plus PLUS some old clips from SUTTON PARK from the 1990s. Does that sound alright to you? Okay then... Let's run the theme music and then we'll get right on with it...

MAIN TITLES RUN

YETI: (in charge, with confidence)

So everyone... Today I want to celebrate a member of the podcasting community that I think absolutely deserves some applause - someone who many people may under-appreciate because she only really broadcasts about once or twice a year because... well... quite frankly she's a big deal and now she's dead she can do whatever the hell she wants...

BETTINA: (enthused)

Hear! Hear! Tell it like it is, lovey!

IKK: (chuckling)

It's a good thing we know who you're talking about or we might be getting a little bit scared about now!

DAMEUS: (very relaxed about it)

She's not the only dead podcaster that I've met, as it happens...

BETTINA: (again, perfectly calm about the subject)

Yes... Although some of them are dearly-departed but haven't yet fully accepted it...

DAMEUS: (in agreement)

You're not wrong, dear - you're not wrong...

MARTIN: (enthusiastically)

I found her to be a most charming lady! Also she smelt decidedly lovely... considering!

CROMITTY: (sounding fascinated)

Yes, Martin - indeed; I must say that I agree! I found her to be a quite fascinating person - what do you say, Ikk?

IKK: (sincerely)

Oh yes... Absolutely yes... Yeti Uncle John still doesn't look so sure...

YETI UNCLE JOHN: (insistent)

No! No! Nonsense! In fact it wasn't so long ago that I bumped into her - she couldn't have been nicer!

YETI: (encouraging)

Why don't you tell us about it, John... Go on... Let's hear you share your memories...

YETI UNCLE JOHN'S STORY

YUJ: (voice-over, considered, thoughtful)

Well now... Let me think... Where was I now? At the supermarket, I think; not my usual branch, as it happens - but apparently Deadiegrams also likes to pop in there for a bargain from time to time...

YETI: (surprised)

What was she buying exactly? Don't they have shops where she err... lives... err.. doesn't live... on the other side... You know what I mean!

YUJ: (confused)

Maybe... Probably... Maybe not! I dunno... You ask her... I don't know about these things... Quite clearly she wasn't ON the other side that day...

YETI:

Fair enough...

YUJ: (slightly sarcastically)

May I continue?

YETI: (apologetically)

Go ahead... Sorry...

YUJ: (calmly, voice-over and then into the actual scene)

(v/o-echo) So there I was, picking up a packet of biscuits for a bit of a treat and right up ahead of me in the queue is none other than Deadiegrams herself! I can see that she's looking at me - partly in disgust and partly as if she remembers me but can't quite place where we met... So I decide that maybe I should speak to her and re-introduce myself... And so that is what I did...

(normal/polite) Excuse me, Deadie... Errr... Sorry... Miss... Errr... Grams...

DEADIEGRAMS: (slightly distant)

Ah... Hello... Have we met? You do look familiar, I must admit... You're not the guy who delivers the ectoplasm are you?

YUJ: (trying not to show his nervousness)

The WHAT!? Oh! Errr... Well, no... I think we met on the same show; a podcast; The Shy Life Podcast! We're friends with friends of yours; James and Tim - Tim and James from Tastes Like Burning!

DEADIEGRAMS: (sounding unsure)

I vaguely recall you and - of course I have most definitely shared the occasional sherry with those two lovely boys... Awfully charming types - I must say - although I listen to very few of these "podcasts" that you mention!

YUJ: (with understanding)

Ah... Well... Yes... I don't blame you really... Everybody's so busy these days - and I imagine being dead doesn't change any of that...

DEADIEGRAMS: (sounding quite liberated)

You're quite right there, deary... Still, I do technically have a lot more time to catch up with reading or knitting or pottery or whatnot and people don't tend to bother me quite so much with silly things that really I needn't know anything about...

YUJ:

I get the feeling you keep busy; I can't see you just sitting around twiddling your thumbs...

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a sort of distant reflection)

You're not wrong, deary... I have plenty of time for myself these days but, quite frankly I can't be bothered to do anything to actually "better" myself; I mean what would be the point... I'm dead. Who would know!?

YUJ: (hopeful/encouraging)

Oh, I'm sure there must be someone... Other dead people? Non-dead friends who you... might bump into, perhaps?

DEADIEGRAMS: (dismissive)

No... No... No... I simply can't be bothered... I do occasionally cook - but only for myself.

YUJ: (curious)

Really? What do you cook?

DEADIEGRAMS: (beginning to sound a bit bored)

It really isn't terribly interesting, dear - but I suppose you want an answer so you can go home to your friends and tell them what I said...

YUJ: (slightly embarrassed)

Well, yes... Kind of...

DEADIEGRAMS: (chuckling)

Let me think of something bizarre... Tell them that I like to make ectoplasm stew with belly button fluff dumplings - that will turn their stomachs and no mistake...

YUJ:

And DO you? Make ectoplasm stew with belly button fluff dumplings, I mean?

DEADIEGRAMS;

Goodness me, no... I like a decent Thai meal or a pizza like everybody else - but that sounds far too boring as an anecdote, now doesn't it? It's always better to exaggerate or simply plain lie if you threaten to disappoint your audience, believe you me!!

TRANSITION SOUND...

YUJ: (chuckling)

"Ectoplasm stew with belly button fluff dumplings..." she said. "That's what I like... That's what I eat everyday until it starts to come out of my ears..."

YETI: (admiringly)

Really! How very interesting, John!

CROMITTY: (curious)

...And what happened next? Did you go for coffee and a natter?

YUJ: (with regret)

No... She paid for her biscuits and she shot out of the door before I got to say another thing to her...

IKK: (enthused/supportive)

Oh well... It was nice that you got to say hello, anyway!

BETTINA: (positive)

What a lovely story, dear... Don't you think so, Dameus...

DAMEUS: (sounding less sure)

Lovely - yet somehow also rather disturbing...

BETTINA: (disapproving)

DAMEUS!

YUJ: (with a chuckle)

Well, I know what you mean though, Dameus... I guess it is kind of weird. Anyway! So who's next? What about you Cromitty?

CROMITTY: (in reflection)

Well... The funny thing is - I was out with Martin when we bumped into her; quite recently yoo...

YETI: (encouraging)

Do tell us more, why don't you?

CROMITTY AND MARTIN'S STORY

MARTIN: (as if telling a bed-time story)

We were in Soho - at the theatre as it happens... Cromitty had cheap tickets to a play and although I'm not much into theatrics I do appreciate the smell of these old theatres... So musty! So much concealed dust! So much history...

CROMITTY: (disapproving)

Oh, Martin... You are a strange one and no mistake... Well, anyway - there we were - sitting in our seats - minutes before the start of the show - when suddenly there is a commotion...

MARTIN: (enthusiastically interrupting)

Turns out that it's Deadiegrams - coming in to watch the show - but she's late and a little dishevelled; wearing what at first appears to be a fur coat, but on closer examination is revealed to be a sleeping poltergeist called Jimmy.

CROMITTY: (a little snappy)

Don't roll your eyes, yeti - what Martin says may sound bizarre - well, it is - but is also true...

YETI: (slightly embarrassed)

I don't doubt it... Apologies... Please, do go on...

MARTIN: (continuing, with confidence)

Well... It went something like this...

There is a transitional special effect and from the sound of it we are in the theatre...

CROMITTY: (bossily)

Move up Martin - somebody is coming to sit next to us...

MARTIN: (suddenly paying attention)

Goodness! Yes... I can smell them a mile off - well now, that is curious - it's quite a scent...

DEADIEGRAMS: (in an almost seductive tone)

Le parfum de la mort...

MARTIN: (mutters)

And that's your actual French...

CROMITTY: (whispers)

I should hope so too... After all - we're at the theatre! A place of culture... Le parfum de la mort, roughly translated means "the scent of death" is what she said... (lowers his voice all the more) There's only one lady that I know what is dead and yet still goes to the theatre and that is a lady called Deadiegrams - she's been on the show; possibly before your time...

MARTIN: (impressed)

Oh yes! I've definitely heard of her. Nice! You should say hello...

CROMITTY: (sounding worried)

I'm a little bit nervous of her to be honest...

MARTIN: (intrigued)

Why? Because she's dead?

CROMITTY: (snappily)

No... I'm not a necrophobic, I'll have you know; it's just that she can be a little severe...

DEADIEGRAMS: (indignant)

You do know that I can hear all of what you're saying, right?

CROMITTY: (quickly)

Severe in a GOOD way!!!

MARTIN: (sounding content)

In a VERY good way, yes... (he sighs almost wistfully)

CROMITTY: (nervously)

I don't know if you remember me, Deadiegrams...

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a sigh)

Call me D, why don't you? And fortunately I do - remember you, I mean... (Tim. Please also record her saying "Unfortunately I do...")

MARTIN: (whispers)

Did she say UNFORTUNATELY she remembered you?

CROMITTY: (impatiently)

Of course not, Martin - you stupid boy...

MARTIN: (confidently)

It sounded like it to me... (At this point we hear Deadiegrams saying "Unfortunately...")

CROMITTY: (toadying up to her)

Martin! Shhh now! (turning back to D) I didn't know that you liked theatre, D... All the best people do, of course... (gives a little laugh) Do you come here often?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with pride)

Oh yes... Indeed, I do...

CROMITTY:

I imagine you might enjoy opera, I know I do...

DEADIEGRAMS: (her mood changing in a second to one of distaste)

OPERA!? No! Never! I loathe it... I like something with spirit - give me a PANTOMIME, ANY day!

MARTIN: (mutters, almost to self)

I knew it! Pantomimes rule!

CROMITTY: (full of unfounded authority)

Ah yes... Yes, indeed... This is - of course - a play... I believe it is called "The Mice Trip"!

MARTIN: (sounding sad)

Those poor mice... I wonder what causes them to trip... I guess it might be inferior shoe - with loose heels or souls made of cardboard and old fish skins... Will folk never learn; buy cheap buy twice my mother always used to say!

CROMITTY: (in agreement)

You might be right, Martin... Mind you - it might simply be the laces or a lack of good bow tying skills - nothing to do with the actual laces... I expect we'll see once the play begins; I have attempted to avoid all spoilers...

MARTIN: (hopeful)

I suppose it's too much to hope that it might even be about some mice going on a journey - a holiday, even...

DEADIEGRAMS: (losing patience)

It's called The Mouse Trap...Not The Mouse Trip... The title is on the programme...

CROMITTY: (surprised)

Really? Are you sure?

MARTIN: (bemused)

She's right... How curious... I suppose that probably makes more sense, actually...

CROMITTY: (relieved - making far more of it than is required)

Thank goodness for you, D... You clearly know more about this than we do!

DEADIEGRAMS: (trying not to scream)

No... No... That's not the case at all... I know the title and that's about the extent of my knowledge... Other than that I really have no idea what it's all about; I have no answers - I really didn't pay much attention... I'm only here because I got free tickets for my birthday if I'm being perfectly honest...

CROMITTY: (almost patronisingly)

Oh, how nice... Well, it is my understanding that it is a thriller...

DEADIEGRAMS: (through gritted teeth)

I am pretty sure I can feel a random act of bloodshed brewing...

CROMITTY: (confused)

I'm sorry... What do you mean?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Now, now - Deadiegrams,.. Play nice... There are other ways to have fun...

MARTIN: (also confused)

What's going on now?

DEADIEGRAMS: (enthused)

Here lads - take these bags and help me out at the end of this act...

MARTIN: (suddenly curious)

Oh... What's in here? It smells... rotten...

CROMITTY: (bemused)

Oh my! It is... rotten fruit... whatever do we want THIS for?

DEADIEGRAMS: (very matter-of-fact)

For pelting it at the cast once they really get going, of course... You will join me, won't you? It's such fun - you just have to be ready to run; just make sure you follow me and we'll be out of here in under a minute - I know a quick way out the back under the stage; they'll never catch us...

CROMITTY: (initially sounding shocked)

Well, I NEVER! (then chuckles)

MARTIN: (enthusiastically)

This sounds like FUN!

DEADIEGRAMS: (approvingly)

Atta boy!

TRANSITION SOUND...

MARTIN: (chuckling, quite proudly)

It WAS fun too... Poor Cromitty was mortified and wouldn't throw so much as a tomato - but Deadiegrams and I really laid into them... The actors were covered top to toe in gunge... They never did know whodunnit, either!

CROMITTY: (disapproving)

It was most irregular! I was quite ashamed of you both; especially with your police background, Martin!

MARTIN: (not wavering one iota)

Everybody has to let their fur down sometime, Cromitty - isn't that right, yeti?

YETI: (intrigued)

Ha! I guess so... It does sound kinda fun, though - naughty fun admittedly...

IKK: (surprised)

How very curious though - that she goes to random West End shows simply to throw rotten fruit...

YUJ: (sounding quite impressed)

It's very old school, I'll give you that...

DAMEUS: (sounding a little cross)

I'm not sure that I like the sound of any of this, I'm afraid - thankfully in my time as an actor I have never been pelted with rotten vegetables...

BETTINA: (laughing)

Rotten fruit, yes - rotten vegetables, never...

DAMEUS: (quite nostalgically)

Somebody threw a strawberry yoghurt at me once... I didn't mind that - it was really quite delicious and I hadn't had any dinner that night... Still, I do feel sorry for the actors - more often than not one does not enjoy being coated in the remains of last month's mouldy grocery purchases...

CROMITTY: (supportively)

Quite right, Dameus... It was scandalous... Bettina... Are you laughing? I'm surprised!

BETTINA: (apologetically)

Ha! Well... Not laughing quite - chuckling, yes - maybe! She's a cheeky mare that Deadiegrams... As you all know I've been an actress for many years - although thankfully I have escaped being treated so rudely by any of my audiences... Whilst the more civilised part of me disapproves - the scamp in me cannot help but secretly point and applaud... Anyway! Should we share our story now, dear?

YETI: (keen to change the subject)

Yes! Yes... Why not... Please do... Go ahead...

BETTINA AND DAMEUS'S STORY

BETTINA: (quite calmly)

Well, I suppose the truth is that after meeting her last time I actually became quite good pals with Deds as I call her - although we do tend to keep in touch virtually rather than in person - it's easier...

DAMEUS: (with encouragement)

You two have become quite good chums, haven't you dear - you catch up every week, don't you?

BETTINA: (in agreement)

That's right, dear - we never miss a week...

WE HEAR THE SKYPE NOISE AND THEN BETTINA ANSWERS...

(excitedly) Hello dear! One million kisses - one million and one kisses! Tappie sends her love, by the way... I saw her just the other day for the annual Pickle Hollow pie-baking fund-raiser...

DEADIEGRAMS: (sounding quite gentle, for a once)

Ah! How charming! Send her my regards... So what exactly are we discussing this week?

BETTINA: (pleasant/then distracted)

Ah... Now... I think you'll enjoy this, my dear - oh - Dameus... What do you want? We're just starting to record?

DAMEUS: (very respectfully)

Before you do; can I get you anything, Miss Dee? A hot drink? Something stronger?

BETTINA: (astonished)

Darling, are you feeling alright? You do know that Deadiegrams isn't actually here - we're talking via Skype.

DEADIEGRAMS: (politely, but prickly)

It's fine, dear - we could teleport it; but no - thank you... I'm fine...

DAMEUS:

No problem! It is my absolute pleasure to serve...

DEADIEGRAMS:

You know, Bets - I think we should just talk what it's like being alive - that would fascinate me - it's been such a long time; sometimes I really crave normality - ESPECIALLY when it gets kind of weird!

BETTINA: (excitedly)

I hear you, dear - but in return I still want to hear all the business from "the other side" as all the cool kids call it...

DEADIEGRAMS: (lowering her tone and speaking quite affectionately)

You are a dear silly thing, Bettina - but don't tell anyone that I told you so...

BETTINA: (chuckling)

It's okay, darling - I promise not to...

DAMEUS: (continuing to be as helpful as he can manage)

Ladies - is there anything else I can do for you - or should I just leave you to some girl talk and go and practice pretending to be a flowering cactus out in the yard...

BETTINA: (enthusiastically)

We're fine, dear - I think... Yes, you go out there and get busy rehearsing - I'll see you later...

DAMEUS: (brightly)

Alright, now... Best wishes to to you Deadiegrams...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Pleasant to see you, Dameus... (turning back to Bettina) You did well finding him,dear - I rather think that I saw him in a film the other day - he was dressed like a bird...

BETTINA: (enthusiastically)

Ah yes... That's his latest - a movie length version of Alice In Wonderland for parakeets...

DEADIEGRAMS: (relieved)

Ah! Now I see why I didn't understand a single tweet that anyone was saying...

SHE LAUGHS AND BETTINA JOINS IN - WE RETURN TO SHY YETI...

YETI: (enthused)

It's really kind of sweet - you two have quite a lovely friendship, don't you!? I can imagine you - Aunt Tappie and Deadiegrams really causing a stir on some future night on the town...

BETTINA: (encouraging)

I do HOPE so, darling! So... Who's next?

IKK: (interjecting)

It's probably me - but I share my story with Paul as we were both out together in Soho late one night and coming home we bumped into her...

DAMEUS: (concerned)

Was she drunk!? I can't imagine her drunk... (shivers) Actually - I just thought about it and now I'm feeling slightly unnerved...

CROMITTY: (in agreement)

Deadiegrams drunk is a scary thought...

MARTIN: (spooked)

I must admit that I'm positively petrified...

PAUL AND IKK'S STORY

Paul and Ikk are out on the town - we hear busy city sounds - the London night-life...

PAUL: (sounding a little "jolly")

So Ikk... Did you enjoy our night out?

IKK: (with his usual Ikk enthusiasm - maybe even more so than usual)

Oh yes, Paul - very much... I'm not sure I've ever seen librarians playing Strip Monopoly before - it was strangely...

PAUL: (chuckles)

Unerotic?

IKK: (somewhat apologetically)

Well... Yes... Actually, that's exactly the word I was going to use...

PAUL:

I found it quite amusing - I've never heard the dewey decimel system performed to a disco beat...

IKK:

I'm very sorry, Paul - but if you start speaking to me in ISBN numbers then I really won't understand a thing that you're saying...

JUST THEN THERE COMES AN EXCITED SCREECH FROM ACROSS THE ROAD - IT IS SHE...

DEADIEGRAMS: (definitely quite squiffy)

Yeti! Yeti! Yeti! How ARRRREEEE you, darling thing!

PAUL: (concerned, lowering his tone - not recognising her)

Goodness me... Who is that?

IKK: (also somewhat dismayed)

She obviously knows you... She came from inside that private members club - who is it? I've not got my glasses on tonight...

PAUL: (surprised)

I didn't even know you WORE glasses, Ikk!

IKK: (unaware)

Only sometimes - when I want to feel like a human... I don't actually NEED them... I just think it helps me to blend in a little better - a trench coat - a string vest - pair of polka dot flares - eight inch platform heels - a straw hat and a pair of glasses; nobody looks at me twice...

PAUL: (chuckling again)

Hmm... In London, maybe - but I think you'd stick out a bit in the provinces...

IKK: (also laughing)

Oooh, Paul... You ARE awful...

PAUL: (quickly)

That wasn't a euphemism, you know...

IKK: (apologetically and then moving on)

Was it not? Oh... Sorry... So, who is it? The shouty person, I mean...

PAUL: (surprised when he eventually recognises her)

Well, I never... It looks to me like it's Deadiegrams of all people...

IKK: (relaxing slightly)

Oh, really - maybe I'm not so surprised... Looks like she's accompanied by a rather flamboyant entourage of theatrical zombies... I've actually seen her out and about with them before...

DEADIEGRAMS: (over-dramatically, pretty drunk really)

Yeti! Yeti! You darling thing, you... How ARRRRREEEEEEE you - and who is your friend, dear?

IKK: (muttering only to Paul)

She's unusually animated tonight - I don't think I've ever seen her quite so cheerful!

PAUL: (enthusiastically)

That's Soho for you, I think... DEADIEGRAMS! How lovely to see you... What have you been up to?

DEADIEGRAMS: (very bubbly)

We've had an afternoon in the spa - sipping cocktails - a spot of tanning; such luxury...

PAUL:

Sounds great! Tanning you say!? How... Well, I take that it must be possible...

DEADIEGRAM: (indignantly)

Don't I LOOK tanned to you, beardo?

PAUL: (slightly fazed)

Errr... Yes. certainly! By the way - this is my friend, Ikk The Alien... You have met him before...

IKK: (excitedly)

Hello, Madame D... I'm in disguise... New coat! New hat... Glasses...

DEADIEGRAMS: (unusually affectionate)

Looks lovely, sweet little Ikk... Of course I remember you - I never forget a face... Have you met my friends?

PAUL: (politely)

Ah! Enchanted! Very nice to meet you...

IKK: (suddenly nervous)

How wonderful to meet you all - they don't bite, do they?

PAUL: (shocked/disapproving)

Ikk! You can't ask that...

IKK: (disagreeing)

I beg to differ - it's always best to enquire, just in case...

THE ZOMBIES ARE MOANING AND GROANING, AS ZOMBIES DO...

PAUL: (embarrassed)

I'm awfully sorry, Deadiegrams - I do apologise for my friend...

DEADIEGRAMS: (unusually chatty)

No need! Your friend has his head screwed on, I'd say - he'd be right to be concerned; only these guys are such a blast - you should come out with us for a drink or five - we're going to hit Old Compton Street and then find a good club so we can have a dance...

PAUL: (pleasant, but sounding weary)

Crikey! Sounds like fun... I'm not sure I've got the energy - what say you, Ikk!

IKK: (excitedly)

Golly! It's an offer too good to ignore...

PAUL: (encouraging)

Then run along... Go join them... I'm bushed...

IKK:

Are you sure?

PAUL:

Quite sure... You look after him now, won't you Madame D.

DEADIEGRAMS: (enthused)

DELIGHTFUL! I WILL INDEED... Sorry, Ikk - my zombie pals are fascinated by your tentacles...

IKK: (chuckling)

I get that a lot...

DEADIEGRAMS:

As long as you don't mind, dear...

IKK:

Not at all... It's not every day I get such avid attentions...

PAUL: (trying not to sound concerned)

Funny... Kind of weird... Well, you have a lovely night... Get home safe, won't you...

IKK: (hurrying away)

I WILL!!

WE RETURN TO THE PRESENT DAY...

CROMITTY: (curious)

Well, I never!! How did your evening go, Ikk? Was it fun?

IKK: (chuckling)

Oh yes... A night I shall never forget... except... well... I have actually forgotten most of it - but it was still sort of memorable for no longer being memorable; that sort of thing doesn't happen to me very often!

YETI UNCLE JOHN: (finding it all rather amusing)

Ha! You're such a hell-raiser on the quiet, aren't you?! I'm impressed...

IKK:

Thank you! I quite surprised myself, I must admit!

MARTIN:

I bet there are some great smells back in Soho...

DAMEUS:

Oh, there are... Did I ever tell you about the time I played a smell, Martin? I was dressed as a Candy Floss at the time - it was one of my favourite jobs ever.,.

MARTIN: 

Sticky though, I bet...

DAMEUS:

You're not wrong!

IKK:

That was the day Deadiegrams told me about the first job that she did after she died; apparently she spent a week as a children's party entertainer.

PAUL: (surprised)

You're kidding...

IKK:

No... It's the truth - I swear...

JUST AT THIS MOMENT BETTINA'S PHONE BEGINS TO RING...

BETTINA: (surprised/pleased)

Speak of the devil... She's calling me now... Hello, lovely - Bettina speaking - how are you? Yes... Yes... I'm in town... Dinner? Yes... Yes! Of course... Funnily enough, I'm with the gang from The Shy Life Podcast - we were just talking about you... Oh yes! All good... You want me to do what? Bring them with me? Are you sure? Okay then... Usual destination? Very well... We'll hop in a taxi and head straight there... See you in twenty minutes! Bye, darling...

PAUL: (curious)

What's going on?

BETTINA:

Grab your coats, team - Deadiegrams is in town and she's in the mood to celebrate...

CROMITTY:

Where are we headed, exactly?

YETI UNCLE JOHN:

Nowhere expensive, I hope - I couldn't afford it...

BETTINA:

The Ritz; but don't worry - dinner is on her apparently!

MARTIN: (excited)

Marvellous! The Ritz is one of my favourites! The smells are beyond exquisite...

PAUL:

Wow! I'm impressed...

BETTINA:

You'd better say goodbye to the listeners, dear - I don't think they're smartly dressed enough to come too... Sorry, listeners... I don't mean to be shady about it...

DAMEUS: (sad)

Poor listeners...

IKK:

Oh, this is going to be terribly exciting... Goodbye listeners... Let's go everyone!!

THE REST OF THE GANG CALL OUT THEIR GOODBYES...

PAUL:

Sorry, listeners... I feel bad about leaving you - but it really is time to say goodbye... Join us again soon when we'll be... doing something typically silly, no doubt... Anyway - thanks for listening; I hope you enjoyed hearing some of our reminiscences - you take care now... Better go or I'll miss riding in the taxi with the others... See ya... Bye now... Bye!

NOTE: I may ad-lib some bits about how good the meal was to put after the titles. Equally so, Tim - if you want to do any Deadiegrams ad-libs to use as out-takes then you are more than welcome!! :)

This script was written between the 3rd August and the 13th December 2018, with rewrites made between 14th December 2018 and the 3rd March 2019.