THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - A COSY CHAT WITH DEADIEGRAMS!!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 
CATCHING WITH DEADIEGRAMS...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF TASTES LIKE BURNING...

Dear Tim,

This is probably going to be a dream sequence to be used in one of our episodes in late December...

I thank you.

Mr Yeti :)

YETI: (a little sleepy)

Hello, listeners - I've just been having a bit of a day dream... Those of you who have listened to the show for a while will remember all the lovely guests that I've had on the podcast but there's one who I spoke to in... well, rather odd circumstances... You may remember her...

FLASHBACK TO DEADIEGRAMS PREVIOUS APPEARANCE AND THEN RETURN TO NOW...

Do you recall? She was quite a presence... Sometimes when I think about future shows I imagine what it would be like if we met again in better circumstances - you know, for a cosy chat... I think it would be lovely... (his voice begins to echo) lovely... LOVELY... L-O-V-E-L-Y...

WE NOW ENTER MR YETI'S IMAGINATION - WE ARE LISTENING TO SOME KIND OF EXTRA FANCY VERSION OF THE PODCAST - MR YETI IS MORE ANIMATED THAN USUAL...

YETI: (very jolly)

Heeeeeey! Listeners.... How are you?

THERE IS APPLAUSE...

Lovely!

DEADIEGRAMS: (rather less enthusiastic)

Hello, trollface...

YETI: (correcting her, politely)

Shy Yeti...

DEADIEGRAMS: (still quite dismissive)

Whatever... This sofa's a little tatty - but I don't suppose in matters when you're 100% audio...

YETI: (still taking her comments with good humour)

Ha! You're not wrong, Deadiegrams...

DEADIEGRAMS: (slightly more friendly)

Call me D-grams... My people are trying to get me to rebrand - to be honest I'm not sure there's much point! Afterall you can't teach a dead dog new tricks...

YETI: (awkwardly)

Well, it's lovely to have you here, Deadie - I mean, D-grams... You're looking well, considering...

DEADIEGRAMS: (doing her best to show interest)

Charmed, I'm sure... I see you got back from the other-side - not many people manage that...

YETI: (enthusiastically)

Oh well, I met a nice statue who pointed me in the right direction of the bus station...

DEADIEGRAMS:

You should come back in the spring when the new plants start to grow...

YETI:

Ahhh... Daffodils?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Venice fly-traps... Deadly nightshade... Giant man-eating succulents...

YETI: (surprised)

Oh! How... unconventional... You should open your own garden centre...

DEADIEGRAMS: (bemused)

Why EVER would I want to do that? I have oceans of agony to advise on...

YETI: (still attempting to remain upbeat)

Of course... Which is exactly what I wanted to ask you about... In your long career what is it about your job that you love the most?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a chuckle)

Pay day, sweetie... That's what everybody says, surely...

YETI: (taken aback)

You get pay day? Even... now...

DEADIEGRAMS: (sounding quite impatient)

Why, of course - you don't think I do this job for free do you? Have you flipped?! No... I'm paid like anybody else... Sure, there's a little more ectoplasm on the notes than you'd normally find on the notes residing in your wallet - but I find it keeps the moths company...

YETI IS ABOUT TO ASK ANOTHER QUESTION WHEN THERE IS THE SOUND OF SUDDEN COUGHING AND YETI NOTICES THAT THEY ARE BEING OVERHEARD BY ONE OF HIS PODCAST REGULARS; YETI UNCLE JOHN. HOWEVER DEADIEGRAMS SEEMS QUITE TAKEN WITH HIS ARRIVAL...

(curious/positive) Well... Hello, dearie... Now WHO exactly are YOU!

YETI: (slightly less than enthusiastic)

Err... This is Yeti Uncle John... He's family...

DEADIEGRAMS: (confused)

I'm sorry, furface - is that a euphemism?

YETI: (snappily)

Err... No... Well, I'm not sure, actually - we don't really talk about stuff like that... I'm sorry, D-grams - I'll just find out what he wants... (turning away crossly) Yeti Uncle John! What do you want, exactly? I'm right in a middle of an interview with a very important guest...

JOHN: (grumpily)

Yes... Yes... We know that...

YETI: (mildly horrified)

WE!?!

JOHN: (irritated)

Yes! WE! US! The regulars! YOUR regulars - or had you forgotten us!?

YETI: (calming/playing vague/teasing)

Errr... Maybe slightly... You are kind of forgettable... (pause) I'm JOKING!

DEADIEGRAMS: (interrupting)

Oh, go on... Let them ask me questions... It could be fun... They might be cuter than you...

YETI: (lost for words)

I... I... I...

JOHN: (excitable)

See! She's keen! Let's chat, lady! It would be a pleasure! What's you're favourite flavour of ice cream?

DEADIEGRAMS: (leisurely, but like it's a positive thing)

Despair... with mainly just a hint of desperation...

JOHN: (enjoying the conversation)

Oooh... I think I know that taste... It's a bit rich for me - but I respect your choice there; pretty heavy duty! Okay... Next question - which do you prefer - being alive or being dead?

DEADIEGRAMS: (flamboyantly)

What a stupid question - being dead is far more fun... Of course it is!

JOHN: (curious)

Sure... I thought as much... But what are the best bits about being dead?

DEADIEGRAMS: (chuckles)

The long weekends...

JOHN: (sounding a little pleased with himself)

Cool... And my final question - which is your favourite Beatle?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Dung! Every time - no competition... I admire their work ethic... Is that it? (John mumbles in the affirmative) Well, good... (flirtily) Maybe I'll see you later for a little drinky...

JOHN: (nervously)

Oh... Err... I... Yes... Well, thank you, now... Oi, Ikk... It's your turn now...

IKK: (with enthusiasm)

Oooh! How exciting... Hello Deadiegrams - it's lovely to meet you...

DEADIEGRAMS: (surprised, an emotion she rarely experiences)

Wow! What the hell have you come as, sweetcheeks...

IKK: (pleased/excited)

Ha! I'm just here as myself...

DEADIEGRAMS: (relaxing)

Don't tell me... You're one of those alien-types, right?

IKK: (politely)

Yes, sir... Yes, sir, I am...

SHY YETI: (whispers)

Say yes, maam, Ikk - not sir...

DEADIEGRAMS: (laid back)

Sir, is just fine by me... I've always felt I had the authority of a sir...

IKK:

Absolutely, sir...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Go ahead little Martian fellow... What is your question?

IKK: (thinking about it very carefully before asking)

Where is the strangest place you have ever eaten Chinese food...

DEADIEGRAMS: (pondering)

Well, sweetcheeks - now that's a extremely good question!

IKK: (full of respect)

Thank you, your honour... So what would your answer be?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with certainty, having considered it)

Probably on the end of Blackpool Pier dressed in nothing more than a top hat and Christmas decorations - it was... oh... summer 1973 and I was mistaken for a glam rocker when actually I was simply on the way to a friend's wedding and had taken the wrong turning just off Spaghetti Junction...

IKK: (pleased)

That's a good answer, D-Grams... Was the food good or can't you remember?

DEADIEGRAMS: (enthusiastically)

It was absolutely fantabulous... The best I ever had...

IKK: (moving on)

Thank you... Cromitty is next if you're willing to answer another question or two...

DEADIEGRAMS: (encouraging)

Why, of COURSE!!! Do step up... Thank you for your question, Tricky Ikky... It brought back good memories...

IKK GIGGLES AND CROMITTY STEPS UP TO ASK THE NEXT QUESTION...

Ah now! You're a curious one... Cromitty, is it? C-R-O-M-I-T-T-Y...

CROMITTY: (respectful)

Yes, miss... Exactly that! Ever so pleased to meet you...

DEADIEGRAMS: (on the very edge of impatience)

And you have a question for me? What flavour question exactly?

CROMITTY: (sounding quite serious)

I have scientific leanings and so my queries are along those lines...

DEADIEGRAMS: (hurriedly)

Ask away...

CROMITTY:

What is your favourite Cuppa Soup?

DEADIEGRAMS: (calmly)

Regret... With extra croutons... And yours?

CROMITTY:

I am very partial to a mixture of belly button fluff and dust - inspired by recipes handed down in our family on my grandmother's side of the family.

DEADIEGRAMS: (not sounding too much like she means it)

Fascinating... You must share the recipe with me...

CROMITTY:

I will indeed... One more question if you've time...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Of course, honeylumps - as your first question was so brief...

CROMITTY:

What is your favourite variety of science?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Hmmm... That's a harder one... Maybe biology with just a smattering of chemistry... I can't be doing with Physics - so don't ask me... Afterall we all know that the world is flat and there is no such thing as gravity!

CROMITTY:

Why, of course... Thank you, dear lady... Dameus... Are you ready to ask your question?

DAMEUS: (trying not to sound too nervous)

I am... Very much so...

CROMITTY: (prompting)

Then ask away, good sir Twinklehorn...

DEADIEGRAMS: (curious)

Twinklehorn, you say? Not one of the Twinklehorn's of New Hampshire, by any chance?

DAMEUS:

Not myself, no - but I do have connections out that way, I believe...

DEADIEGRAMS: (almost affectionately)

How fascinating... I once had flirtations with a New Hampshire Twinklehorn - I daren't even guess how long ago now - but you definitely have the family nose...

DAMEUS:

So, I'm told, Madame... So I'm told...

DEADIEGRAMS:

So... What might your question be?

DAMEUS:

Well, I'm an actor you see - and I wondered whether you'd ever tried acting yourself at all?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a chuckle)

Every day, darling... With my husband! Need I say any more?

DAMEUS: (embarrassed)

Oh! Golly! Good gracious! No! I get your point!

DEADIEGRAMS:

Still... Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh... He has been dead for 173 years...  But then I'm not far behind him and I'm absolutely fine...

DAMEUS:

Fine... Absolutely perfect... Errr... Yes... Good grief! What IS his problem?

DEADIEGRAMS: (growing distant / vague)

Believe me! I've contemplated that endlessly over the years... Hmm... The more I look at you - the more you remind me of him... (Dameus gives a little gasp!) Okay! Okay... There's nothing more to see here - do I have any more questions?

YETI:

It depends... Our Beargrrrian chum, Charlie Grrr is here... Do you answer questions about pies?

WE HEAR CHARLIE MUTTERING AND GRUMBLING ABOUT "PIES... PIES... PIES..." IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT DEADIEGRAMS DOES NOT SOUND TOO IMPRESSED...

DEADIEGRAMS: (making herself quite clear)

NO questions about pies... If I can't eat them then WE can't discuss them... The last pie I tried to eat turned out to be made of ectoplasm - and believe me - that's no fun at all! So? Are we done?

BETTINA: (urgently, out of breath)

Darling! Darling! One million kisses! One million and one kisses! Do you have time for just one more? So sorry, I'm late...

DEADIEGRAMS: (patiently)

I've never been known to say no to "just one more..." Go on dearie... What are you asking?

BETTINA: (over-the-top)

Most grateful... My name's Bettina Du Pres...

DEADIEGRAMS: (almost excited)

Darling! I know that! Everyone knows you - even the dead!

BETTINA:

Oh... Honey! So kind... I'm so flattered...

DEADIEGRAMS: (trying to hide some of her excitement)

How can I help!? I'm such a fan... How very exciting the meet you... Shh now... I'm not meant to enthuse so - but I'd be most grateful to answer your question - although I feel I should be asking you one!

BETTINA: (lowering her voice as she confesses)

Then do, darling! Please do... Actually... I need your advice on men... I'm a part-time, poorly used agony aunt and yet sometimes that is the one thing I need from other people; a listening ear!

DEADIEGRAMS: (with empathy)

Men! Oh... Aren't they just dreadful creatures - I can assure you they're no better behaved dead than they are alive!

BETTINA: (sad)

Why aren't I even surprised?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Still... I'm not sure I can offer you advice, but I can share my experiences - we can swap notes, I'm sure!

BETTINA: (impressed)

Delightful! That would be absolutely perfect!

AS THE TWO BEGIN TO CHATTER SHY YETI COMES BACK INTO THE FRAME (AS IT WERE) - HE SOUNDS A LITTLE GRUMPY!

YETI: (quite put out)

I can't believe it! I've been side-lined in my own day-dream... Well, I guess the only way to get around this is to stop daydreaming! That will shut them up...

DEADIEGRAMS: (teasing)

You wanna believe it, sweet-cheeks...

BETTINA: (non-plussed)

Oh, ignore him, darling - he's just jealous...

PAUL: (disgruntled)

WELL, REALLY!!

THE DAYDREAM ENDS AT THIS POINT AND WE RETURN TO OUR NEW YEAR EPISODE...

This script is either for our last episode of 2017 or our first episode of 2018 and was written between 13th September and 6th October 2017, with additional rewrites done between the 9th and the 24th of October 2017.

THE CRYPTKEEPER - FOR THE SHY LIFE PODCAST HALLOWEEN SHOW!!

CRYPTKEEPER LINKS FOR MISTER TROBBELIDGE...

This script was written during late August and early September 2017 to be included as links for THE SHY LIFE PODCAST'S Halloween episode to go alongside pre-recorded scenes for this edition...

SCENE 1

To be played right at the start of the episode...

PAUL: (excitedly-introduction voice)

Hello and welcome to a very exciting edition of The Shy Life Podcast! This one has been waiting for you for a while now - we recorded it on location in April as we really wanted to be prepared. Also we wanted to be different and present to you with a Spring ghost story and...

CRYPTKEEPER: (yokel accent, attempting doom)

Note: Mr Trowby. Please adapt any lines to accommodate additional yokelisms.

Ooh ahh. Excuse me, sir! I'm sorry - but you can't record Halloween podcasts there!

PAUL: (disgruntled)

Really? Says who? You? Who have you come dressed as? A bargain budget grim reaper? My goodness - I've heard of austerity, but this is ridiculous...

CRYPTKEEPER: (somewhat sternly)

No... No... No... That is not the case at all - I'm not the Reaper; Grim is actually my cousin... Boy is that one a show off... Young whipper-snapper - flaunting his oopizootics and flashing his impressive blade about! I swear that one day he's going to have somebody's eye out with that thing!

PAUL: (mellowing slightly)

Good grief! It doesn't bear thinking about! So who are you, exactly?

CRYPTKEEPER: (proudly)

I'm the cryptkeeper, Dorset branch.

PAUL: (doubtful)

Really? You don't sound especially scary? Are you meant to be?

CRYPTKEEPER: (doing his best yokel Brian Blessed impression)

Don't try me, Madame... I say, don't try me... Run the title music!

PAUL: (initially put out and then resignedly, but in his radio voice)

Hey! That's my line... Oh, for goodness... Go on then... You heard the man! Run the title music! (mutters, impressed) Good grief, listeners... His eyes are actually quite hypnotic! Even on audio!!

The Title Music Plays...

SCENE 2

Before things get going...

PAUL: (still doing his confident podcasting voice)

So, there we go... That was the title music! Moving on now - we have a fear packed new episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST for you today... and... actually... that does sound a little off-putting when I say it like that... Really... It'll be very enjoyable - but because it's Halloween it'll also be a little scary too, maybe... Well, hopefully, I should say - but - you know - in a good way...

CRYPTKEEPER: (interrupting)

Hello! You do know that you can't do that here, don't you?

PAUL: (put out)

I beg your pardon!?

CRYPTKEEPER: (matter-of-fact)

You do know that you can't do that here - that there podcasting... You can't do it here... All I'm telling you is exactly what I told that last lot...

PAUL: (curious)

The last lot of what!?

CRYPTKEEPER:

Of podcasters... From them there Round The Archives podcast...

PAUL: (excitedly)

Oh, I know them... They're very good... I've been on that show, you know... I did the end theme tune...

CRYPTKEEPER: (mutters to self, but Shy overhears)

That explains a lot...

PAUL: (grumpily)

Hey! Don't be mean! Anyway - how come you get to say who stands here anyway...

CRYPTKEEPER: (forcefully)

It's MY crypt! So please - go on your way... I don't want to have to do to you what I did to your podcasting colleagues...

PAUL: (with concern)

Oh, blimey... What did you do?

CRYPTKEEPER: (sounding quite impressed by his own actions)

I don't want to go into it, but let's just say I had to open up a brand new box of rubber spiders and order extra squirty cobwebs once I was done...

PAUL: (quick to make an exit)

Good grief man! There's no need for talk like that! Alright... Alright... I'm going... I presume there must be another spooky graveyard somewhere around here... Come on listeners... Let's go... Moving on...

SCENE 3

This occurs somewhere near the middle of the episode...

PAUL: (doing his radio voice again)

Hello listeners... I hope you're enjoying our Halloween episode - it's terribly spooky, isn't it? We're going to pause for a bit of poetry now... Well, when I say a bit of poetry - don't worry - I am going to read a whole poem... I'm not going to suddenly tail off half-way through... Although I imagine one or two of you would rather that's exactly what I did! There really is no accounting for taste...

CRYPTKEEPER: (surprised)

HEY! YOU! What are you doing here again?

PAUL: (equally as surprised, but quite casual considering)

Oh! It's you again! The cryptkeeper with the... regional accent...

CRYPTKEEPER: (attempting to scare them)

That be me... I thought I told you to be on your way... Do you want me to dig out a pair of fake devil horns and a rather unconvincing plastic pitchfork to send the fear of the all hallows into you?

PAUL: (hurriedly, with concern)

No! No! Not at all... I'm sorry... I had no idea I'd wandered back into your crypt... I seem to be going round and around here... It's so hard to tell when you're working on audio...

CRYPTKEEPER: (disapprovingly)

Lack-lustre sound effects - that's your problem!

PAUL: (a little sombrely) 

I know! I know! We're just not up to the standard of some shows...

CRYPTKEEPER: (knowingly)

You're no Smellcast, that's for sure... You need to have a word with Toppie Smellie... He'll set you on the right road when comes to sound effects...

PAUL: (surprised)

You know Toppie!?!

CRYPTKEEPER: (casually)

Sure... We play bingo together... We have a fictional childhood together where we play all manner of card and board games...

PAUL: (upset)

You do... You what!?! I'm shocked... Oh! The Horror! The Horror! I thought I was the only one who he had a fictional childhood with... I'm devastated...

CRYPTKEEPER: (chuckling)

I'm only teasing, I was listening to one of your old episodes earlier... Now get out of here you bubble-headed boobie, you - before I set my pack of slightly grumpy chihuahuas on you and your rather meagre audience...

PAUL: (urgently, hurried, moving on...)

Ohhhhhhhhhhh,., Run listeners! Run! Here are some poems... 

SCENE 4

Just before the end...

PAUL: (radio voice)

So, that's about all we've got time for this episode... Oh... Just a minute... This place looks familiar... Oh, cor blimey... You'll never guess where we've ended up... 

CRYPTKEEPER: (non-plussed)

Back at my crypt...

PAUL: (embarrassed)

Sorry... Yes... It wasn't intentional... It's just such a lovely creepy location... All the other locations on this show are really low budget... Just mist with a random spot of howling or screaming thrown in... You've actually got gravestones here and some semblance of half-arsed spookiness...

CRYPTKEEPER: (mellowing)

So kind... Ah... Shucks... You do know how to flatter a fella, don't ya, yeti...

PAUL: (slightly awkwardly)

I only speak as I find... Anyway... I suppose we better be going...

CRYPTKEEPER: (now almost friendly)

Oh! Never mind... You're persistent! I admire that! How about a cup of tea and a slice of cake? Do you want to see around my crypt?

PAUL: (excitedly)

Oooh! It's the best offer that I've had all day... Can the audience come too!

CRYPTKEEPER: (overly pleased)

Why, of course! I'm always stocked up on tea bags... Come in! Come in! None of you are ticklish, are you? We have a poltergeist here called Barnaby who has wandering hands...

PAUL: (enthused)

Oooh! Sounds marvellous! Come on listeners... Let's run the end theme tune... 

SCENE 5

Right at the very end...

PAUL: (just talking quietly to the listeners)

Hello again listeners... How is your tea? Isn't he nice this cryptkeeper... I knew he wasn't as mean as he made out...

CRYPTKEEPER: (curious but kindly)

What are you saying about me, yeti?

PAUL: (happy)

Ooh! Nothing bad... Just how lovely it's been to have you on the show...

CRYPTKEEPER: (apologetically)

Oh... Well... I'm sorry we got off on the wrong fang...

PAUL: (with affection)

You're a bit of softy really aren't you... Despite your spooky look...

CRYPTKEEPER: (giggles)

Hehe... I am rather... But don't tell anyone, will you?

PAUL: (sincere, hopeful)

I won't... It's fine... What did you think of the episode? Was it scary enough?

CRYPTKEEPER: (blithely)

Oh! I wouldn't know... I don't listen to scary things - I live it - I don't want to hear it in my spare time!

PAUL: (surprised)

You never watch horror films? Not even at Halloween?

CRYPTKEEPER: (keen)

Oh no... It's romantic comedies and anything involving making sponge cakes for me... Do you ever discuss romantic comedies and sponge cakes on your show?

PAUL: (unsure)

Hmm... Not yet... I guess we could... Would you be willing to come back on the show?

CRYPTKEEPER: (dreamily)

I'd love to... You know what I've always wanted to do, yeti...

PAUL: (curious)

No... What?

CRYPTKEEPER: (excitedly)

Play Santa... I've always wanted to do it - the red suit - the beard - the ho,ho,hos - the works...

PAUL: (uncertain)

Really?

CRYPTKEEPER:

Too right! As I say, I'd be prepared to dress up...

PAUL: (resignedly)

Well, I'm sure that could arranged - not that your costume would be too much of a problem on a podcast!

CRYPTKEEPER:

Oh, but I'd HAVE to dress up - that's half the fun...

PAUL: (in agreement)

Alright then... Fantastic! That's a deal... I'm not much of a Christmas person...

CRYPTKEEPER:

Are you not? Oh! I love it...

PAUL:

I love the food, of course... Anyway, let's do it - I'll be in touch...

CRYPTKEEPER: (quite emotional)

Terrific! You've made an old cryptkeeper very happy...

PAUL: (taking control again)

Great! I'm glad. Well, we have to go now... Say goodbye to the listeners please, cryptkeeper...

CRYPTKEEPER: (politely)

You can call me Gordon...

PAUL:

Say goodbye to the listeners please, Gordon...

GORDON: (over-playing it)

Goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee listeners...

PAUL: (to audience, lowering voice)

He's really not scary at all once you get to know him...

GORDON: (distant)

What's he saying about me? I'm ever so spooky... Honest I am... (fade out as Paul laughs)

All contents of this post are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - EPISODE 100: THATPETERG

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR THATPETERG FOR EPISODE 100...

This script is between Shy Yeti (Paul) and an antiques dealer who Paul calls looking to buy a present for Aunt Tappie which Bettina Du Pres can give to Aunt T when they eventually meet... Paul has been tasked with arranging all these and the following scenes (1 longer and 2 shorter) detail his activities.

SCENE 1 (OF 3, LONGER)

BROCANTE:

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY:

Hello? I'm calling from London, England - I've heard very good things about your business...

BROCANTE: (with extra politeness)

That is most heartening, sir! How exactly can I be of help?

SHY: (nervously, cautiously)

Well,  I was hoping to speak with Mister Brocante? Is that you, perhaps?

BROCANTE: (jovially)

Indeed, sir - at least it certainly was when I woke up this morning - I presume that nothing has changed since then? Might I be of some assistance, sir?

SHY: (self-importantly)

Err... Yes... Yes... I do hope so... I'm looking for a gift... It's from one friend of mine for another friend of mine - I'm sort of the middle man, as it were... I'm just trying to get some ideas and a friend of mine, a Mister Smellie recommended you...

BROCANTE:

Of course! I know Mister Smellie... He's always in here... He and his Auntie love to come antique shopping here.. I think those two quite literally must eat antiques - anything antique and shaped like a hen and they're simply all over it!

SHY: 

Really... How lovely... Well, you see a friend of mine, Bettina - she's an agony aunt...

BROCANTE: (almost sarcastic, hard-to-tell, maybe just very dry)

Oh! Fabulous! Agony Aunt's are just the very best kind of Auntie's there is, aren't they?

SHY: (slightly muddled)

Errr... Absolutely! Well... You see, so Bettina is a friend of Auntie Tappie's - but they've not seen one another in years - they are due to meet soon, but Bettina wants to send Tappie a gift in advance... I'm sorry... You don't need to know any of this...

BROCANTE:

Not at all! It's fascinating... I'm sorry... May I ask? Are you an Australian gentleman? I note an international number...

SHY: (enthused)

Not Australian, no... I'm a bit of a fan of Australia though - but I'm actually English... I may have said before - I'm calling you now from London...

BROCANTE:

Oh, terrific! I've been to London - but not for years... I have family in Paris...

SHY:

Different country, of course - but geographically not so terribly far away... Anyway... As I was saying... If we can work out a good present for Tappie - then Mr Smellie has said that he will come and pick it up...

BROCANTE:

Marvellous! Well, as I actually know the customer then it'll probably help us make a selection...

SHY:

That would be good. So, do you have anything particular in mind? Sorry... I don't mean to rush you...

BROCANTE:

No trouble... Now, let me think... Well, now it does occur to me that have recently come into possession of a rather natty antique badger hat dating back to the early 1800s... Is that something that you might be interested in?

SHY: (unsure)

Errr... Maybe... I must say that do find badgers quite amusing!

BROCANTE: (mystified, in awe)

Amusing! AMUSING! Badgers are not to be laughed at, sir... Badgers are the mystic gurus of the animal world - they are to be worshipped - and adored...

SHY: (respectfully)

Fine! Yes... Whatever you say... I'm convinced... I didn't actually realise that badgers wore hats... Especially not back in the early 1800s...

BROCANTE: (quite sarcastic for a moment)

Well, what did you think they wore? Sea-shells?

SHY: (slightly fazed)

Errr... Umbrellas, maybe...

BROCANTE: (almost mocking)

Don't be ridiculous...

SHY: (defensive)

Sorry... To be honest I'm not sure if Aunt Tappie is particularly interested in badgers - partly because she isn't one nor is acquainted with one... At least I don't think she is... If you've got anything Poodle-themed then my podcasting colleague and show-biz friend Big Fatty might be interested; although that's quite a different matter...

BROCANTE: (slightly put out)

Well... No... I'm sorry... I have nothing of that nature - but I do promise to keep an eye out for you...

SHY:

Okay then... Well, moving on... What else do you have that I might be interested in... And before you say it - I already have an extra-terrestrial commode shaped like a question mark...

BROCANTE: (clearly not keen to speak on the subject)

Honestly! Hey, let's not go there... A couple of weeks ago my shop was full of the things...

SHY: (beginning to garble)

Well, I believe there was an alien gathering in the Finger-lake region... I can't even begin to tell you how I know that - but somewhere on another planet there's a statue of me on a hill-side that recites choice cuts from one of my favourite books of my own poetry...

BROCANTE: (not sounding like he really means it)

How enchanting...

SHY: (reflectively)

Yes... Yes... I suppose you could say so, in a way... I've never known quite whether to be flattered or offended - I'm told that it's sometimes used as an image to scare the alien children...

BROCANTE; (briskly)

Well, that seems fair enough to me, sir... You can't choose your audience...

SHY: (attempting to move the conversation on)

Well, anyway - so just to confirm - the whole extra-terrestrial commode idea is out before we even consider it...

BROCANTE: (thinking... dragging it out a bit)

Very good... Very good... Well now, let me think... What about Regency turnip-coloured bed-socks for otters?

SHY: (drily, slightly teasing)

All the rage, are they?

BROCANTE:

Back in the day, yes sir...

SHY: (slightly distracted / almost talking to self)

Regency... That's the 1800s again, isn't it? Hmm... Still, I'm not convinced... All these things are very practical - what about something nice that exists purely to be decorative - attractive... A centre-piece... Something feminine... This is for dear Aunt Tappie remember...

BROCANTE:

Does she do Haddock?

SHY: (caustically)

"Do them"? How does one do a haddock? Quickly before it swims away, I guess... DO THEM! Whatever do you mean?

BROCANTE: (returning to his earlier politeness mode)

Well, you see, I do have a range of rather nice pencil drawings...

SHY: (deliberately/disbelievingly)

Of Haddock?

BROCANTE: (matter-of-factly)

No... Of sheep - drawn by haddock...

SHY: (mutters to self)

Right! Of course, you do... You know what - I think I might just send her a nice big bouquet of flowers and big box of chocolates... It would definitely be easier...

BROCANTE: (helpfully)

I have both here if you're interested...

SHY:

What? Antique flowers? Antique chocolates?

BROCANTE:

Of course! Dating back to the late 1920s...

SHY: (quick to end the call)

Err... Sure... Right... Well, let me get back to you... Goodbye now... Thank you for calling...

SHY YETI HURRIEDLY BREAKS THE CALL... 

BROCANTE: (slightly put out, talking to self)

What a rather odd gentleman... It's a stronger man than most that turns down pencil-drawings of sheep drawn by an Haddock in an Elizabethan wig... Oh well! His loss...

THE NEXT SCENE IS BRIEFER AND WILL BE INCORPORATED INTO EPISODE 100 SEPARATELY - ABOUT 10-15 MINUTES IN... 

SCENE 2 (OF 3, SHORT)

MR YETI CALLS BACK TO THE ANTIQUE STORE SOME WHILE LATER...

BROCANTE:

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (Once again he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY:

Hello? Mister Brocante? It's Shy Yeti again... I called you earlier...

BROCANTE:

Which century?

SHY:

Which century, what?

BROCANTE: (matter-of-factly)

Which century did you call me from? 18th? 19th? 20th? 21st Century? I've worked here a long time - I can't remember every caller - but we do keep a detailed log book of all the calls that we've received - including a good number of the messages delivered to us by pigeon-mail...

SHY: (sound a little out of sorts)

I called right at the start of this episode - about ten minutes ago... I was looking for a present for Toppie Smellie's Aunt Tappie - but we weren't having much luck! Well, now it looks like I've run out of time - I need to get packed - I have a flight to catch and I need this present selected before I leave... In fact there's no time for Toppie to come and examine it - it'll have to be express delivered!

BROCANTE: (vague)

Oh... Really? I'm terribly sorry - this is all a bit of a blur... Remind me again... What were their names? Tony Smiley, you say - and his pet poodle, Tipsy?

SHY:

No! No! It's Toppie, not Tony - Toppie Smellie... Just a minute? You're kidding me, right?

BROCANTE: (politely)

I am sir... I do remember you... I couldn't resist teasing you though, sir... To be honest I was expecting you to call back - especially after all the many various exciting potential gifts that we discussed when you called before... Who could resist?

SHY: (relieved)

Well, thank goodness... You put my blood pressure right up for a minute there...

BROCANTE: (hopeful)

Was it the bed-socks for otters sir? Was that what caused you to call back? I believe we also have them in a sort of mustard colour...

SHY:

To be honest I'm still no closer to deciding what I want to buy - so I'm just going to get the lot...

BROCANTE: (surprised)

Get the lot? What? ALL of it? Why, I don't understand, sir...

SHY:

The otter socks... The antique chocolates... The Haddock-drawn sheep portraits... The badger hat... Even the alien pooping receptacle... It's not as if I'm paying... Send the bill to Bettina Du Pres at the following address and to heck with the cost...

BROCANTE:

Err... Sir... Are you sure? *makes tapping noises* All those items come to slightly more than one million dollars...

SHY:

No problem at all? She can afford it... I recently learnt that she has shares in The Garden Gnome-ing Industry...

BROCANTE: (excitedly)

Well, if you absolutely sure, sir...

SHY: (decidedly)

Oh, yes... I am... Please, gift-wrap them and send them to Aunt Tappie and sign it With Love From Bettina Du Pres...

BROCANTE:

No problem, sir... I will get my assistant Igor, Junior onto it immediately... It will be our pleasure...

SHY: (warming to the idea, pleased)

Thank you! THANK YOU! She's going to love this! LOVE IT, I TELL YOU... *gibbers a bit, giggling to himself* I HAVE TO GO NOW! I HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH! I HAVE TO GO!!

BROCANTE:

Sir? Sir?! Are you okay? Hello? HELLO!? Good grief... Those Brits... Talk about eccentrics! They're all plain weird! (shouts) Igor! Bring the wrapping paper - no, the expensive range - the mice nibbled the cheap stuff... Presumably it's cheap but tastier... Oh, and tell the haddock that we need more sheep drawings - and make sure the paint is dry before we dispatch them this time... Oh, and tell the grand-mother otters that we need them to knit some more bed-socks too... HURRY IGOR! HURRY! HURRY!

WE HEAR IGOR, JUNIOR MAKING NOISES IN THE BACKGROUND... SHY YETI CAN STILL BE HEARD GIGGLING - THE WHOLE SCENE FADES DOWN...

HERE IS ONE FINAL BRIEF SCENE TO BE PLAYED AFTER THE END THEME MUSIC...

SCENE 3 (OF 3, SHORT)

MR BROCANTE IS BUSY IN THE SHOP WITH HIS ASSISTANT, IGOR, JUNIOR...

BROCANTE:

Igor, Junior... We have more customers looking for the antique otter bed-socks... Do you have another box or two hanging around somewhere...

IGOR: (eager to please)

Yes, Master... Yes...

BROCANTE: (impatiently)

Well, hurry then... Go - fetch it...

JUST THEN THE PHONE RINGS - IT IS SHY YETI...

BROCANTE:

Hello! Brocante's Antiques! (yet again he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)

SHY:

Hello? Mister Brocante? It's Shy Yeti again... I just wondered if you could help me...

BROCANTE:

Why certainly sir... But if you were calling to query our returns policy, then I'm sorry - but it expired just minutes before you called...

SHY:

Oh no... We don't want to return anything... Aunt Tappie was thrilled with her gifts... Admittedly Bettina Du Pres hasn't yet seen the bill - but she's loaded and her boyfriend, Nathan is even more loaded I believe, at least I heard her say he was well-endowed...

BROCANTE: (trying to remain polite)

Excellent, sir... Then how can I help?

SHY:

I wanted to buy some antiques for myself... Do you ship to the UK?

BROCANTE:

Why, of course, sir... What sort of thing were you looking for? We have storks especially trained...

SHY: 

Oh... Ah! You're kidding again... Okay! Sure... As for what I am looking for - I'm still unsure... Do you have anything exciting that you think might be of interest to a first time investor... Anything from a couple of centuries back in a nice bright shade of pink...

BROCANTE: (helpfully)

Errr... The badger hats that we shipped to Aunt Tappie come in pink... We still have half-a-dozen boxes of those - or you might like to experiment with something slightly more exotic... We have Aztec toe-warmers, just in... They've got a bit of a pong - but nothing you can't get rid of if you bung them in the washing machine on a hot wash. We have actual live ant-eaters in the shop modelling them - should you want to check out our web-cam... They do nip - but you should be safe on the other side of the screen...

SHY:

Oh marvellous! Marvellous... This all sounds jolly good... I do hope it's awfully expensive...

BROCANTE:

Of course... We'll make sure it is - we can always add some gold braid... Might I ask, is somebody else paying?

SHY: (chuckling)

It's funny you say that... Bettina wants to buy me a thank you gift for arranging this whole reunion with Aunt Tappie - I can't say it's been terribly successful, but I still intend to take her up on the offer... This whole business has been a complete nightmare to organise! Even my grey hairs have grey hairs! Go on...What else do you have...

BROCANTE: (fading out)

Well we did just get an actual genuine Egyptian Pyramid in just the other week - they come in pairs - all ancient and curse-free, in case you wondered - so no worries there... I think they always look mighty fine on a mantel-piece if you have the space...

SHY YETI OOH AND AAHS AND THE SCENE FADES OUT AND THE EPISODE CONCLUDES...

This script was written during April 2017.

A SCRIPT FOR TIM - THE DEADIEGRAMS EPISODE OF THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - THE AFTER-LIFE...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF TASTES LIKE BURNING...

Dear Tim,

SOME OF THIS EPISODE IS ALREADY RECORDED - YOU MAY STICK TO THE SCRIPT OR AD-LIB, I WILL NOT RECORD MY SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION UNTIL I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR WORDS AND THEN I'LL REACT WITH THOSE... CONSIDER THIS A GUIDE SCRIPT ONLY... ONLY CERTAIN SECTIONS OF THESE EPISODES HAVE BEEN SCRIPTED - BUT YOUR SECTION OF THE STORY BEGINS AS FOLLOWS... 

I THANK YOU...

Mr Yeti :)

THIS FIRST PIECE IS BASICALLY THE CLIFFHANGER FOR THE FIRST EPISODE...

Paul (Shy Yeti) is lost somewhere on "the other side" having gotten on the wrong bus from work... He is disorientated and hears a strange ghostly noise and is walking closer to it...

YETI:

Hello? Hello? Who's that? Hello... I'm looking for help... I'm lost...

VOICE: (DEADIEGRAMS)

They all say that, sweet cheeks... I know your sort... You're just after my valuables...

YETI:

Err... I'm really not.. I just want to find the way out... 

VOICE:

Yeah, yeah... They all say that one too... What happened? Did you sell your soul and now you're regretting it?

YETI:

No! No... That's not what happened at all! I literally rushed to catch a bus and... well... it really wasn't the bus that I thought it was going to be...

VOICE:

Bad move... Jumping on buses without checking on their destination first...

YETI:

I know what you mean... Although I somehow doubt that the bus would have had TO THE OTHER SIDE on the front of the bus...

VOICE:

You make a good point, sonny... It probably just said HELL...

YETI:

This isn't HELL, is it? Come on... Hell doesn't even exist...

VOICE:

You've clearly never been to Miami in a heatwave...

YETI:

Well no, I'm from London... I've been to Vegas and that was pretty hot... Now, listen... I recognise your voice... I'm pretty sure I do...

VOICE:

It's possible, I suppose... After all, I do occasionally share my wisdom with the peoples of the internet...

YETI:

Do you podcast?

VOICE:

I believe that is what it is called... I also tweet...

YETI:

Blimey... That's not bad for a disembodied voice... No offence meant or anything...

VOICE:

None taken, furry chops...

YETI:

Just a minute! I just clicked...

VOICE:

That'll be your hip - or your back... It's the curse of middle age...

YETI:

Nothing like that! No, I've just remembered which podcast you're on! TASTES LIKE BURNING! With Tim and James and James and Tim...

VOICE:

No need to repeat yourself - I heard you the first time...

YETI:

Oh, I'm sorry... I have some friends - well, they're not around at the moment - they're aliens... Funny little fellas - they were great fans of that show... And of James and Tim... That's how they spoke... (does a quick impression, but it's not very good...)

VOICE:

Well now, I must admit that this is beginning to sound familiar...

YETI:

You're Deadiegrams, aren't you? THE deadiegrams!!!!

DEADIEGRAMS:

Errr... I might be... What's it worth to you?

YETI:

Oh... I'm not sure it's worth a great deal - it only means that we have kind of met... Perhaps you can point me in the right direction for getting home... Do you know where the bus stop home might be?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Buses? No... Never use them, sonny... People wee on the seats - you can catch things off them... Sure, I know I'm dead - but it's best to be careful... There are worse things than death you know... STDs for a start... Did you know dead people can still catch STDs? Only there are no ghostly doctors - so you just have to put up with it...

YETI:

NO GHOSTLY DOCTORS? But what about the ghosts of doctors who used to be alive...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Never happens... 

YETI:

What do you mean it never happens - it must do... Doctors aren't eternal! Listen... Did you just make that all up - what you just said then...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Might have done... I like to spice things up now and again and you did interrupt my afternoon nap what with all that shouting you were doing out in the ghostly mists and all...

YETI:

Now you're telling me that ghosts take naps? Is that a lie too?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Spot on... You're a quick one, sonny - and no mistake.... What was that you were saying about us meeting before... Did I haunt you once or something? Don't you come here asking for your money back!

YETI:

No... No... No... It's just I think I may have tweeted you and your answered my question on the TASTES LIKE BURNING show...

NOTE: AT THIS POINT WE HEAR A FLASHBACK OF EXACTLY THIS - TAKEN FROM THE EPISODE THAT WAS ACTUALLY RECORDED - I HAVE SAVED THE EXACT CLIP ALREADY...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Oh yes... Yes... That tolls a bell now you mention it, sonny...

YETI:

You were very helpful... It was nice of you to reply... Thank you...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Why, of course sonny - it was my pleasure - and my job... Gets my picture in the Spectral News now and again...

YETI:

There really is only one more thing that you could do for me, dear lady - if you would be so kind - and that is simply to point me in the direction of the bus stop... I only want to get home...

DEADIEGRAMS: (evil chuckling)

That's all you wish to know, is it? Is it, really? Well, I'm afraid it's just not going to be that easy... You see - now you're here there is simply no undoing it...

YETI:

I don't understand... Surely those buses must go back and forth...

DEADIEGRAMS:

It's none of your business whether they do or whether they don't - I am afraid it is against the rules... You are here now and here you will stay... There is no going back... No return to sender... NO! NO! NO! You can never go home - you are here forever, young man! Do you hear me? FOREVER! FOREVER! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

HER VOICE ECHOES AND WE HEAR SHY YETI PROTESTING IN DISBELIEF... THIS IS THE END OF THE FIRST OF THE TWO EPISODES - THERE MAY BE SOME KIND OF ANNOUNCER SUMMING IT ALL UP - BUT I'LL SEE ABOUT THAT LATER...

THIS IS FOR THE SECOND EPISODE - THERE WILL BE A RECAP AND THEN THE ADVENTURE WILL CONTINUE...

SHY YETI:

ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I hear you... No need to be QUITE so dramatic! If I was a less charitable and suspicious minded person then I'd almost guess that you enjoyed imparting people such bad news...

DEADIEGRAMS:

It is kind of fun... You should try it sometime...

SHY YETI:

Maybe I will... Hmm... Let me see... I think it's my turn... Hey! Deadiegrams - I just received a phonecall - it was from the launderette...They're terribly sorry - but they accidentally washed your colours with those brand new white sheets that you'd only just brought... I believe they've all gone a rather sickly shade of pink!

DEADIEGRAMS:

As bad news goes it hardly rates especially highly...

SHY YETI:

But they were new sheets - dead expensive...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Well, I'm dead too - so they're in good company... And I LIKE pink!

SHY YETI:

Oh, you spoil-sport, you...  Well, if I'm going to be stuck here then I ought to be allowed to ask a question...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Go ahead... Ask away!

SHY YETI:

Well, I was just wondering - do you have a proper christian name? Like Joyce or Suzanna or Muriel? I mean, were you once somebody's actual grandma?

DEADIEGRAMS:

That would be telling... It's not something I choose to share with anyone... I like to preserve my anonymity...

SHY YETI:

Well, I know you do... For your public... But now I'm here I feel sure that we're going to end up as very good - very close friends - buddies even... Bridge partners... Dinner party chums... I predict that pretty soon we'll end up having weekends away... I mean, as I've nowhere else to live we might as well start co-habiting immediately... I'm a very loyal friend Dee... Don't think you'll get rid of me... Ha!

DEADIEGRAMS: (to herself)

Well now, I don't like the sound of that - not one bit... He just won't stop talking! What a one-man walking mouth on legs! No wonder he's a podcaster - I guess talking is what they're best at... This one must be at it 24-7! Maybe I ought to give him directions out of here, after all... At very least I'll send him somewhere a long, long way from me... I shall send him towards the spooky tree - maybe the zombies will get him - that should keep him quiet for awhile...

SHY YETI:

I'm sorry... Were you speaking to me?

DEADIEGRAMS:

No... No... Just mulling over some ideas...

SHY YETI: (to the listeners)

Hello listeners... I'm hoping if I talk enough I'll drive her so crazy that she'll help send me home... Do you think that I'm in with a chance?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Excuse me... Yeti... Were you saying something before about needing to get home...

SHY YETI:

Oh... Well... It's not necessary - not now we've met up - I was hoping that you might be up for reading my fortune... I have bunions... You can read fortunes by examining bunions, can't you? Or is it hemorrhoids - I'm not sure if I have those or not, but you're welcome to check...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Errr... Thank you... No... I'm terribly sorry... But I am just on my way out of here - an old poltergeist friend of mine is having a birthday and as much as I'd like to take you along it's a strictly invite only do...

SHY YETI:

That's okay - I could wait here for you...

DEADIEGRAMS:

I really don't think you'd like it - it can be very cold around here and these birthday parties can last decades; literally decades... I'm sure your listeners will be missing you back in London...

SHY YETI:

Oh, I doubt it... At any rate - I'm still recording...

DEADIEGRAMS:

That's all very well, but where will you edit your material? No... No... You need to take all your recordings home with you - back to lovely London Town... You know what I'd recommend... If you follow that pathway over there - through the scary forest - past the creepy tree and alongside the spooky church; you'll find the bus station waiting there ahead of you...

SHY YETI:

The scary forest, you say? Can't you show me the way? I'm not sure that I fancy going that way by myself...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Just whistle... You'll be fine... (mutters) Right! I'm out of here - before he starts talking any more... Byyyyyyeeeee, darling! Lovely meeting you in person!

SHY YETI: (distracted)

WHISTLE!?! WHISTLE!?! Now that doesn't seem like it's going to be of much good... Hello!? Oh... Hello... Where she's gone to? Oh, blimey... Through the scary forest did she say? Well, I suppose I have no options... What should I whistle... Umm... *whistles the theme tune to Space 1999 season 2 - it's okay, it's a very vague in-joke, if it even counts as a joke!*

This script extract was written between Thursday 9th and Thursday 16th February 2017...

A SCRIPT FOR HAUNTY - THE DEADIEGRAMS EPISODE OF THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - THE AFTER-LIFE...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR JAY THE HAUNTCUB FROM LIFE ON THE POO LIST...

Dear Jay,

I am not going to be too specific as to who this character is - for some reason I've ended up visualizing him like he's some kind of talking statue - but I haven't gone into that in too much detail. He kind of starts off a bit grumpy and unfriendly, but ends up being nicer - as a comparison to the more sinister deadiegrams played by TLB Tim. If you'd rather he be some kind of pirate or highwayman or bandit or something - then play him that way and I'll alter my lines accordingly. It's up to you. Depending on how you play it then I'll also decide whether to add modulation to the voice - either higher or lower; happy to receive your thoughts on this too - I can always just leave it un-tampered with! You are welcome to ad-lib extra lines or not stick directly to the script as I'll record my bits as a reaction to whatever you record. 

I thank you... Gratefully signed, Mr Yeti.

THIS SCENE WILL PROBABLY APPEAR IN THE SECOND OF THE TWO EPISODES...

Paul (Shy Yeti) is lost somewhere on "the other side" having gotten on the wrong bus from work... As he stumbles on he sees a shape before him and much against his better judgement heads towards it!

YETI:

Oooh! Listeners... I can see someone up ahead... I wonder if he can help... He looks kind of strange... Like one of those living statues you see on the streets near tourist traps.. Still, he can't be any more scary than deadiegrams... I need to ask SOMEBODY for help... Well, here goes nothing! Wish me luck, aye... (Yeti hurries on towards the figure) Hello? HELLO!? Can you help me? Please... I'm lost... Don't try and hide - I can see you there... Listeners... I can see him... I know he's not ACTUALLY a statue - I just saw him blink...

LIVING STATUE MAN:

I DID not just blink...

YETI:

You jolly well did and now you just spoke....

STATUE:

Alright! Alright! Enough already... What is it with all these questions... 

YETI:

I just need some help... I'm not meant to be here...

STATUE:

Don't tell me... You caught the wrong bus and here you are...

YETI:

Yes! Yes... Exactly that... How did you know? Did it happen to you?

STATUE:

Happen to me? HAPPEN TO ME? Are you kidding? Jeez... I'd never be that stupid...

YETI:

Well, that's not a very nice thing to say to someone...

STATUE:

Yeah, I know... Still, I quite enjoyed saying it... So - who ARE you, anyway?

YETI:

Why, I'm Shy Yeti... I'm quite a well-known poet and podcaster back where I come from...

STATUE:

Rubbish you are...

YETI:

I SO am... Oh, okay then... I may be slightly exaggerating... Still, come on... Even the dead must have heard of Pride48...

STATUE:

Nah... Never...

YETI:

Don't be a dumbo! You MUST have heard of them... What about Big Fatty? He's like the most famous of all of the podcasters! Big Fatty and Poodle McNoodle? Squeaky kitty? No? What about the gang from Cocktails and Creampuffs - Donna, Wendy and Joey... Or Pod Is My Co-pilot... Taffy, Rodan and Taylor The Latteboy...

STATUE:

Now you're just making the names up...

YETI:

I'm not! These are real people... What about Catching Up... Vera Speaks For Real...

STATUE:

I did know a Vera once - but she was trapped inside a bottle - you know... a genie... In fact she rarely got a chance to speak at all...

YETI:

Well listen... You must have heard of Adam Burns and Daniel Brewer... Greetings From Nowhere? Actually they recently wrapped up their shows... What about Chubs Gone Wild or Foul Monkeys? Come on - you must know of Toppie Smellie from The Smellcast... No? Not even Life On The Poo List, The Faraway Nearby or Tastes Like Burning?

STATUE:

TASTES LIKE BURNING, you say? Now I have heard of that one... With James and Tim and Tim and James?

YETI:

Yes! yes! They're the hosts of that show...

STATUE:

Well yeah - I have heard them... I met some aliens at our new year party and they really turned me on to that show... It's kind of groovy... 

YETI:

I KNOW THOSE ALIENS! They lived at my house for a while...

STATUE:

OMG! You're not that Shy Spaghetti person, are you?

YETI:

SHY YETI!

STATUE:

Oh... Okay... I can never make out their accents too well...

YETI:

I know... You should live with them... Still, I guess it's unlikely you being here in the underworld - or wherever this is... Just a minute - how come you were at a new year party with the aliens, if you're here?

STATUE:

Oh well... You know... I have my contacts...

YETI:

Really! Impressive... You know, I take this to mean that you can help get me home...

STATUE:

Nah... Nope... Can't do that... I mean I'm meant to be horrid to people like you... I'm not meant to help; I really shouldn't even be chatting to you like this for that matter...

YETI:

Who says you can't?

STATUE:

My boss...

YETI:

Oh! Forget him... Who is he anyway?

STATUE:

Well, technically it's me - I'm self-employed - but I like to give my elders and betters some respect... It's the way I would want to be treated if... if I was... if I was.. .me... him... 

YETI:

But you ARE him... you... Oh gawd, now I'm confused... Look! Listen here.... I really don't want to bother you - I just want to know how to get home... I have a podcast episode to finish and listeners waiting...

STATUE:

Hmm... You podcasters... I've heard about people like you... Are you recording this very conversation?

YETI:

Well, of course...

STATUE:

Does that mean I'll be on your podcast?

YETI:

Yeah... If that's okay - and it comes out alright... Should I interview you?

STATUE:

Oh no... I'm feeling shy now... My hair's a mess...

YETI:

It's okay... You don't have to speak if you don't want to, although this is an audio podcast - the state of your hair is hardly of relevance...

STATUE:

I'm not convinced - oh, maybe another time...

YETI:

Do you Skype?

STATUE:

Errr... We can try... I don't own a computer and I live in a completely different plain of existence - but we could definitely try...

YETI:

Hmm... Okay! So, let's get back to the matter in hand... What about giving me those directions back to the bus stop - do you know the way?

STATUE:

Oh yes... Well, they are my fleet of buses after all!

YETI:

They're what? Really?

STATUE:

REALLY!! I'm sorry... I feel bad now... It seemed like such a fun idea - to lure people from the living world here on the bus - to tease them and taunt them and give all the bored ghosts and ghouls something to do... But to be honest I never actually put a face to any of these feckless idiots... I mean, what kind of fool would just hop on a bus headed for the after-life...

YETI:

Hey! That's me you're describing there - and I didn't do it on purpose...

STATUE:

Oh! I know... Ha! Apologies! Weren't wearing your glasses, I suppose...

YETI:

Possibly! I guess you're spot on - I can't deny it, really! It's my own fault...

STATUE:

Oh, don't be too hard on yourself... I'll tell you the way back if you're nice to me...

YETI:

Oh, I will be... I promise to be grateful...

STATUE:

Well, I just can't bear to keep a podcaster from his microphone... So... You see that old dead tree over there shrouded in mist...

YETI:

I see it, yes...

STATUE:

Well, don't go anywhere near that... There's a grumpy poltergeist called Burt who lives inside it...

YETI:

Blimey, no... I'll avoid that one for sure, thank you very much...

STATUE:

No... Take the path in completely the opposite direction - passing the spooky church...

YETI:

The spooky church, aye... Why am I not surprised?

STATUE:

This place is nothing if not predictable - it's a creepy stereotype - I'll be the first to admit it... Anyway... Head on by the church - make sure you keep out of the graveyard... There's poison ivy... Poison ivy and zombies - but the poison ivy is the greater danger of the two...

YETI:

Really? Why's that?

STATUE:

The zombies are pretty harmless - the worse they do is gossip loads... You'll be fine - they may ask you in for tea, but the cakes are always stale, I wouldn't bother; just tell them you've got a bus to catch... Keep walking along the path and you'll reach the terminal within five minutes... Simple!!

YETI:

Oh! Awesome... No, further herculean feats of daring do to achieve?

STATUE:

Nope... That's it! Unless you want to take the long route around through the burning pits of hell...

YETI:

Ah! Maybe not... The short route will do me just fine... Well, I suppose I better get on before it gets dark... well... darker... mistier... spookier... scarier...

STATUE:

You'll be fine... When you get on the bus just tell them that Ferdy sent you... That's me... You'll get a ticket for the front seat with as much hot coffee as you can drink...

YETI:

That's awfully sweet of you... Well, see you around... Or not... If you're ever in London... Well, anyway...

STATUE:

Happy podcasting, good sir yeti...

YETI:

Bye now... (speaking more to self as he walks away) Well, he was nice, wasn't he listeners? I thought he was going to be a bit scary at first - but he thawed pretty quickly... Now... Which way did he say again; towards the tree or towards the church? Umm... The tree wasn't it? No... The church... I can hardly see one or the other... It's so misty... I do hope I don't get lost...

STATUE: (calling out after him)

Stick to the path... You'll lose your way... Do you hear me, yeti? Hello? Oh, fiddlesticks... That furball is going to get himself into trouble, at this rate...

ALSO... 

ADDITIONALLY TO THIS - COULD YOU DO A FEW RANDOM GHOSTLY MOANS AND WOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOO'S, PLEASE... THANKYOU...

This script extract was written between Thursday 9th and Saturday 11th February 2017 and is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017...